Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Transition and Square One

Blog Going Under Construction!

This is a small heads up that there are going to be some changes around here.

1. Regular blogging (when I feel like it) will continue to be posted here on WordPress. Eventually the entire blog is going to be transferred to Blogger.

2. Before that transition can happen, I want to make sure I can make a petty sweet new blog as a tester. (Which will eventually turn into my personal website- if it turns out well, if not, it'll just continue to be a blog or many blogs)

So the picture perfect situation would be things turn out well and I have an entire website divided into sections for different blog/rantings of mine on top of other contents.

That probably won't happen so it'll most likely just different links to Blogspot for different blogs/rants (of course, they'll be links to 'em on the main blog- posts transferred from here)

If you're wondering what the tester is going to be about, it'll be of movies/products reviews and well, probably other reviews if I can think of more. But overall, it's going to be a reviews blog, and yes I already have a name for it. I'll most likely stick with the name but who knows I might change it.

3. More blogs/rants will be added, on the count that the website works, if not, well I probably won't have multiple blogs and just stick with my normal one and the reviews one.

If you have a website or a blog that you think it's pretty cool and would love to share how you put it up, please let me know. If you got any good ideas or suggestions, also let me know. Even if you think you're blog isn't cool looking at all, don't doubt yourself, if you're on my Blogroll to the right, you're already cool. So, please, I will take all the comments/suggestions/help I can get.

This isn't some small project I'm doing. This is going to be huge and most likely complicated project. In fact, my goal is to have the end-product so impressive, it's going to be good enough to pass this blog writing tradition onto further generations. So they too, can write about their thoughts and dreams and share it with the world.

So really, don't be shy on the comments (on here or catch me on Twitter), suggestions, and so forth, I will take all that you can dish out at me.

Thanks in advance.

Another thing to add that's got nothing to do with the previous announcement. I saw Avatar today, in 3D. I must say overall, I was glad the way they made it into a 3D movie, it wasn't obnoxious (in ways that it pops out in your face) so that made me some what happy about the way it was filmed. (There will be a more formal movie review later on over at Knuckles Reviews)

Avatar theatrical release poster

What made me think and got me wondering (I still am by the way, it's been almost 9 hours since I left the theater and I haven't stop thinking about it since and truth be told, it's making me depressed. But I can't stop thinking about it) about a lot of stuff.

The movie have many themes and truly if you think about it, it's like a layer of themes. Right off the bat someone can tell you there are two major things they can tell by watching this movie.

The last one...is something that no stranger on the street would thought of. The last theme can most likely come close to you if you know what it's like. If you seen the movie, you should know the few quotes that Jake Sully (the main character) said:

"Sooner or later, though, you always have to wake up."

"I don't know who I am anymore."

"Everything is backwards now, like out there is the true world and in here is the dream."

After watching Avatar, it's making me think and rather, I feel so connect to this movie on a personal level, it's making me hurt, a lot. And it's bringing back the conflicts I have put aside for years.

The number of times I wanted to fall asleep faster so I can dream of a world without my troubles. The number of times I wake up and getting slammed in the face with reality. It's a conflict...a major conflict.

Even with movies like Avatar that can capture my daily conflicts, it doesn't help me solve it. Because there is no Pandora and being an Avatar, is impossible.

"Sooner or later, though, you always have to wake up."

Waking up never seem so scary and pointless...

Am I back in Square One?
I think so...no...
I know so.

Friday, December 25, 2009

I Don't Know What To Do

There's been some family drama lately so I haven't been in the mood for writing. But right now, I'm kind of not sure what to do with my life.

As I have mentioned in my other blog entry I've applied to 7 universities. They are in no particular order or why I picked the schools. (Other than the fact that they are all football schools and the programs they offer)

There are the schools I applied to again.
1. Oklahoma
2. Oho State
3. Texas A&M/Kentucky
4. Maryland
5. Florida
6. UMiami

Back then, when I was applying to schools, I had my heart on being an OT (Occupational Therapist) I wanted to help people who are in my situation. I wanted to teach 'em what I learn from rehab and also what I learn from living in the real world.

So...not exactly sure how everything works, I asked my OT and PT if I can see what they do and see if they got any advice for me. It was nice of 'em to let me shadow 'em for two hours as I see what they do on a daily basis and also answered my question.

It was a great experience and truly glad I ask 'em about everything. When I heard "you may not be working directly with SCI, it might be something else, say TBI or something like that."

I wasn't happy when I heard that. I don't got anything against other injuries and truly would love to help others to get back to the "normal" life as my OT/PT once did. I truly would love to work with people with SCI. By the time I finish my undergrad program, the Master program, I'll have a lot of experience living as a SCI. I think it's a great way to help the people who just got SCI.

But when I heard the possibility (huge one also) of not being able to work with people with SCI, first thought that came to my mind. "If I can't work with people with SCI, then what's the point?"

So at this point in my life...I'm thinking...what do I do now? Should I keep pursuit Kinesiology and then on to do OT work? Or should I just forget this plan and move onto the other?

I applied to the schools base on Kinesiology, so if I decide not to go with Kinesiology, am I well fucked? (sorry for the colorful language)

What do I do? Should I change my plans? What am I going to do?

I've been thinking of talking to my parents about this subject but with the drama going on, I'm not sure if I'll ever do that until things just settles down.

But as of now, the plans probably are going to change. And as of now, this is the new plan. Unless I can think of something. Or I guess I'm just going to work at McDonald's for the rest of my life.

Plan A: Criminology and History (Double Major or Majoring/Minoring)
Plan B: Aerospace/Electrical/Mechanical Engineering (Just one Engineering, in that order of choice)
Plan C: Economics and Finance (Double Major or Majoring/Minoring)

I don't know what to do with my life...maybe I am going to flip burgers for the rest of my life...

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Scaring the Shit Out of Me

I'm in a writing mood so this is going to be a long blog. Don't worry about reading it if you don't feel like it. I just feel like writing.

When you're a kid, I think you tend to enjoy the story told by other people, especially by your grandparents. I don't know about anyone else but I sure love listening to my grandparents' stories. There's just something about their stories (maybe because they are grandparents? Haha) that would capture my mind every single time, no matter how many times they repeat it.

As technology got better by the year, I tried to teach my Grandparents what I know about computers, emails, phones, and so on in hopes that I can bring 'em joy to learning new things as they bring me joy for telling me about the past. They love the idea of today's phones and ability to call anyone in the world within minutes. (As my Great-Grandpa tells it "PHONES?! PHONES?! WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, YOU RUN TO THE PERSON'S HOUSE TO TALK TO 'EM! PHONES, HA, WHAT A JOKE!")

But when it comes computers and emails, I guess they're not ready to learn these new technologies yet. My Grandparents still don't know how to turn ON the computer let along USE one to get online, use Skype, and other good programs the computer offers. Guess it's going to be awhile before they catch on to this new idea. (You should hear my Grandpa rant about how he knew the M3 Stuart like the back of his own hands, now "this machine...this horrible machine!" haha :P)

There is a reason behind all my madness. If I can get my Grandparents to use the computer, there would be less money spend on say...postage (though I must say getting snail mail is still pretty cool) or even phone bills (Thank you Skype!) And with the amount of times we move around, emails and say text? (haha, can't wait till I have to explain that to my Grandparents) would be easier to communicate. But guess we'll just have to wait till that happens.

So, my Grandparents tends to just call us when they wish to talk. I don't mind that, I love talking to my Grandparents (even if it means staying on the phone for hours) but when they start going into story mode, that's usually when I put everything down to listen to what they have to say. (Telephone stories ain't better than stories live but hey, better than no stories!)

And that's how it was on Monday (December 7th) and I'm sure many of you already know which day it was. As President FDR said it man years ago, December 7th is "A Date Which Will Live in Infamy" Now my Grandparents didn't know each other when the attack on Pearl Harbor happened, but they sure got some nice story to tell. So for hours, my Grandparents each told their own story as if they were right in the house with us. And if you can believe it or not, the stories still captured my mind and full attention.

I think it's a skill, to be able to tell stories through the phone and still have everyone flabbergasted, ya it takes skills.

Sure makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to tell stories like my Grandparents. And also makes me wonder if Sarah will love their stories like I am now.


I have said it before, people give me more credit than I deserve in this life time. I'm not as smart as people think I am and I have done many things I regret. I have found that when people see my grades or test scores, they assume I am smart. They assume I get the materials that's taught by the teacher or every little things in life. Most of the time, I don't get it at all. A simple material needs to be reviewed by me many times before it finally register in my mind and that's just how I am, sorry if I throw you off.

What got me wonder the most is when people ask me "are you trying to convince me you don't get this? are you trying to say you're really that stupid?" It seem to be one of the popular questions of this semester. I truly don't know how to answer that one but, "yes I guess I am really that stupid."

Guys, I'm not as smart as you think I am and if that means give me less credit, please do so. My grades...I work my butt off for 'em. My scores, study for hours to get the score I want. I truly am a lot less than what people give me credit for. I'm not born smart or with a talent, I just work my butt off every time.


I think ever since Sean's passing, cancer's been a touchy subject for a lot of us. A difficult enough thing for us to deal with even if it's just on TV. (During Thanksgiving, as soon as we saw a commercial about cancer, we would switch the channel just to avoid hearing it) It's not that we don't wish to talk about Sean and how great of a person he was, but really, this subject is just something we as a family try to avoid.

But it's the when you least expect it, it hits you the hardest. Going through my Favorites on Twitter one night, I saw a tweet of me and Sean making caricature designs. And as I clicked on Sean's design I froze. Because that design is now a perfect world thing.

In a perfect world, Sean would still be alive.
In a perfect world, that family would not be missing a wonderful son and little boy.
In a perfect world, kids like Sean wouldn't have to suffer.
In a perfect world, shit like this just don't happen.

I sure miss the little guy. Every day, little things I do reminds me of him. The weather, the cars, homework, everything. And boy, what I would do to see him again. Maybe play a little football, race around the block, or just hang out like we used to, I'd do anything to see the little guy again. And I'm sure everyone is feeling the same thing, especially Sean's parents.

Forth and last:

Awhile ago, I wrote something about Dreams and Nightmares. The dreams (nightmares, whatever you want to call 'em) haven't stopped. And somehow, my brain is playing 'em like a movie and a broken record.

Someone once DM me on Twitter and asked me if I ever thought of maybe having PTSD. I told her "No" because these little things I go through is nothing compare to what my Dad or other people gone through. I don't need help, they need help because they deserve it. That person told me, "This is about you, no one else in the world, it's about you."

Maybe she's right.

This morning, Mom asked me if I was doing ok and truly ok. She told me she's concerned about me and there are a few things that she just can't keep ignoring. I don't know why I lied to her but I told her I'm fine. I didn't correct myself or told her sorry that I lied. I lied straight to my Mother's face and she accepted the lie.

I'm changing and it's scaring the shit out of me. It's making my parents worry. And worse, it's making me lose many friends I've made.

Tonight will mark the third time someone tell me (both online and in person) "You make no sense." Truth is...I know I make no sense. I don't make sense to myself. I'm changing to someone I'm not familiar with and it's scaring the shit out of me. This isn't the person I grew up with and know. This ain't me at all.

I'm changing and it's scaring the shit out of me.

Saturday, December 12, 2009


I've said before that football is constantly a bitter sweet moment for me. I've said before that when I see other people in both football and JROTC uniforms, I get jealous of 'em. I've said before that when I see/hear people talking about joining the military or their new journey through the military makes me happy and at the same time, feel pain behind all measures. I'll try to steer away from that topic today to mention something powerful and amazing.

And that, is the power of Brotherhood.

Today's the Army and Navy game. It's a game that I have been watching since I can remember. It's a game that all the families of two very different branches come together in the battle to see who is best. It's the day you'll hear people screaming GO ARMY and GO NAVY, all day. If you saw the game today, you'll remember what one man said. "For once, two good guys come together and fight."

1944 Army Navy Game

And you would also remember what another man said, "After this game, both teams come together in brotherhood." And that is truly what makes this Army and Navy game so great. People came from all over the nation, from different nationalities, to come and serve their country. They thought about playing football but most importantly, they thought about serving their country. And it is with each of their dedication that makes this yearly fight so nerve wracking.

At the end of the day, no matter if you're an Army fan or a Navy fan, I think everyone can agree with me the gratitude we have for not only the players but for everyone who went above and beyond the call of duty. At a time when others are unsure of their future, these Cadets and Midshipmen already knew what they wanted: serving their country. At the time other college students may be sleeping and slacking off, they are up and at it with their day and studies.

No matter how bad they tease each other. No matter the amount of Squid jokes or the Grunt jokes, they know that together, we serve a country greater than ourselves. They fight not only on the football field but together for freedom, for this great country, and ultimately, for the Brotherhood.

And that...sure make me feel damn proud to not only be an American but part of the greatest family in the word: The United States Armed Forces family.

Good game, Army.
Good game, Navy.
To the Brotherhood. HOOAH!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Can't Always Have What You Want

I'm on the flight home from California. A friend had a ballet performance of The Nutcracker so I thought I come out to CA to support her. I must say though I'm not a fan of shows like that, she did great. I'm extremely proud of her and I'm glad I made the trip out just to see her perform.

Now, as I am slowly flying out of California and working my way towards the Nevada border, I'm thinking of a lot of things that we want that we may not be able to get.

When we are young, the candy at the store seems like the best things to have. And even after we build up the courage to ask our parents, they tend to say no. And trying to get them to say yes, we cry, whine, and more. But that doesn't seem to work either. So thus, we end up crying our heads off when we leave the store.

We can't always have what we like and what we want.

As we get older and able to provide for ourselves, we try to full fill all the wants in our lives. Maybe your child wants a Transformer for Christmas. Maybe your husband wants a new XBOX and the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. Maybe you want that iPhone or Droid you've been hearing so much about. And most of the time, those who can provide for themselves and their family do full fill every one's wants. (Maybe not every day, maybe say once a year, during Christmas)

But there are also times that you wish you can have something or even someone but sure it will never happen. It's as if you are sitting in your classroom, wishing that boy or girl would turn around and just notice you. Or even, that person will come out of their relationship to notice you, to see how much you are willing to provide for 'em just to make 'em happy .

We can't always have what we want.

I don't use the word "Love" very often. I hardly say it, I hardly type it, and I sure don't try to manipulate it into words like "ILY" or "ILYT". Love, like hate, is a strong emotion and I truly believe if used in the wrong context, you can hurt the person you are talking to. And worse, you may hurt yourself. Aside from my family, I try not to use the L word that often.

Nor do I believe that "Love" can be find without people meeting each other. Nor can a person fall for another without meeting and get to know the person. As technology gets better and better, I often laugh at the online dating sites that tend to sound so perfect for finding your "right match". Who wouldn't want to find their "right match" with just a few clicks? But is it truly possible? I don't believe it, not at all. Such thing couldn't have happen for two people who never met each other to suddenly "become the best match and live happily ever after" Can it? Is life truly like a fairy tale?

I don't believe it but why is this happening to me. I didn't know her a year ago. I have never met her, I've only met her online and talked to her through chat rooms and Skype. And now, 11 months later, I think I'm slowly falling for her. Seeing her name makes me happy. Hearing her voice makes me smile. Her words make me laugh, her personality shines through the screen. And every time I talk to her on Skype, all the troubles of my day seem to disappear.

I think of her often, even when I'm not on the computer I think of her name. When I don't talk to her, I hope and pray that she is ok and life is treating her well. Hearing her talk about her troubles makes my heart ache. Hearing her talk about her shitty day makes me wish there is something I can do to make it better. To make everything better.

We can't always have what we want.

And that is very true. As much as I'd like to get to know her better and truly get to know her, it will most likely not happen. She is having a relationship trouble her own and caught between the past with a former (also current?) boyfriend and looking into the future. I can't get myself to interrupt anything that will ruin her mindset and disrupt her. As much as I think I'm falling for her and would love to get to know her better, I just want her happy. Even if it makes my heart ache every time she talks about her relationship problems and troubles, I'll listen and hope that my words can some what cheer her up, my ears can some how release her worries and troubles. I just want her happy.

We can't always have what we want.
But I sure wish I can. I'm falling for her and I don't know what to do.

To this person: (who probably never reads my blog) I am falling for you. I ache with you when you ache, I'm sad with you when you're sad. And when you smile and laugh, it sure makes my day a whole lot better knowing that you are happy.

One night you talked about the man you are looking for and the things that you don't like in a man. As those words flow through my headphones, I ache knowing that I am that man that you are looking for. I ache knowing that I most likely will never have the chance to prove it to you. And most of all, I ache knowing that you are not happy. That though the past with him were great, you are looking for something and someone better.

I know that anything I am feeling now may just what other people call "small crush" and that this feeling leads to nothing but a dead end, but I am telling you now, I am falling for you.

Whatever happens, I wish you well, I wish you happy, and all the smiles are pure joy and not a cover for the hurt and pain that is within you.

We can't always have what we want.
But I'd sure love to have her.

Oregon v Oregon St, 37-33

USC v Arizona, 21-17
Alabama v Florida, 32-13 (GO BAMA!)

Cal at Washington, 42-10

Texas at Nebraska, 13-12 (Truly thought Texas would score more points against Nebraska, guess not they're not as good as we thought...)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Strangers' Secret

As I finally finished packing for tomorrow's (or I should say today's) trip, I settled in and did what I usually do to relax and end my day. I turn on music, and chat and help mod a site called TeenSpot

Now if you don't know what TeenSpot is, it's well basically a place where teens (they accept users up to age 25, with good conduct of course) can come together either to chat online or go over to the forum and talk with other users. Aside from the username and their custom profile, that's pretty much it when it comes to learning who each users are.

Anyways, tonight, as I am finishing up Trauma (good show, by the way, if you haven't seen it, I'd really check out the series) on Hulu, a bunch of people over at the site decided to talk about secrets. No rules on what to say, just type "Secrets:" and share what you want. And of course, no one there was judging any of the secrets that each user said...

As I sat there reading each and every line, I started to wonder if sharing secrets with strangers would be the best way to go. As one user said it, "What can be better than sharing secrets with strangers?" I thought it would be easy, as I see the number of users constantly writing their own secrets in the chat room.

So I wrote something also. I said,

I am not as strong as people think I am. I laugh about it, I joke about it but it's what hurts me and kills me the most, not some days, every. Single. Day.

I lay awake in bed thinking of that day and I wake up from nightmares of that day. Just to do it all over again.

Someone in the chat then told me how depressing that sounds and I thought to myself, it does and it's true...of which made me thought how hard it was for me to type that, even in a room full of strangers. How much it hurt for me to type it and read my own words on the screen.

It's not a secret, it's just something I try to hide from those around me. (Including my parents) I am not a transparent person at all and though I wish to be one, my fears and worries tend to keep me from being so.

And sitting here at this hour, with a few hours before we must leave for the airport, I've decided to write some of my darkest secret down in this entry and as much as it hurts me now and probably will in the future, I need to vent. I need to some how let this heavy burden out knowing that it may still be inside of me for the rest of my life. I guess you can call this the first step to something better.

At least I sure hope it is.

I am not as strong as people think I am.

1. I laugh about my injury, I joke about the chair but it's what hurts me and kills me the most, not some days, Every. Single. Day.

I lay awake in bed thinking of the day my life changed forever and I wake up from nightmares of my Mom crying, Coaches staring, and my brain telling me to get up, but I just couldn't. Like a movie, my brain is playing the events over and over again. And right now, I can't stop this movie. It's a horror film and I am sick of hearing and seeing it but I don't know how to make it stop. This movie's been playing for 3 years now and like a child, I still get scared, no, horrified of it. Every. Single. Time.

2. Whether is on-line or in person, when I see, talk to, or meet a person in the military or a Veteran, I hurt. Hurt to a point that I am physically in pain. When people are talking about going to Afghan soon or going to basic soon, it eats at me slowly. It's a cruel and unusual punishment.

It gets worse when I hear people bitching about their MOS or how much hell a deployment was. I want punch 'em in the face, break their nose, and most likely scream at 'em with tears in my eyes telling 'em how much I want to join, how much I would love going over there with my unit, with my battle buddies, and no matter how much "Hell" it is on a deployment, I'd love it anyways because it's my job. And fuck, I love this job.

But I can't. And seeing pictures of my friends (and even strangers) in uniform, I hurt. My soul is being eaten away because this is not me. My heart and soul is elsewhere. It's at basic, at AIT, OSUT, my new duty station, my deployment, and Posts all over the world.

3. Saturday/Sunday/Monday are usually the worse and best time of my week. Why? Football. A true football player will tell you how much he loves the game even years after he last played it himself. A true football fan be a fan of football forever, even when he is 80 years old. For the joy, for the action, the thrill, whatever it is, we love football.

I love football.

"Everything I love is killing me" as Mr. Alan Jackson said it best in his song Everything I Love. And football sure is one of 'em. Like the one I talked about before, I envy and am extremely of those who still gets to play football. And when they bitch about how crazy practice was, I want to scream the same thing.

At least you can go out on the field with your teammates. At least you can go out and put that helmet on. At least you can put on 'em cleats. At least you still get to play.

At least...

4. Last year, during junior year, I went through a child scare. Meaning, this girl I got with told me she's late. If you know something about SCI, your chances of conceiving after the injury is dramatically lowered. While I was in rehab, they told me about it and though I never thought much of it then, I was thinking hard about it when the girl told me she was late. Could it be possible? Out of the chances, that I might have actually made something like this possible?

I found out later that she was in fact, pregnant. As I lay in bed one night, I was filled with all sorts of emotions. I was scared, worried, and in ways, excited. Just like the first time I had sex after my injury, it opened up a new doors for me that I can still do things despite this injury. That I can still have kids some day. It is not to say that I didn't worry about the girl, about what her parents think, what my parents think and whether or not we should actually keep the baby. It was crazy time but in ways, I was truly excited.

I never got to tell the girl what I think. I never got to tell her everything I know about my injury and conceiving. She told me later on she went and had an abortion.

I cried that night.

What if that was my only chance to conceive? What if something like this don't happen again? How could she have done it without talking to me? There was a lot of anger that night, though more sadness than anger. I sat at my desk and wrote a little note of which I eventually burn.

I'm sorry, whatever you'll going to be. Boy or girl, I'm sorry you never could be. I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to tell your Mom what I thought. I'm sorry I don't have the chance to show you how good of a father I can be. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry.

So now...I may never know what happens. Whether or not I can have a kid some day is still unknown to me, but this incident will forever be in my mind and heart. And some day in the future, if I am being told I can't have kids, I'd look back at this incident and hating myself even more than I do now. Hating myself for losing the only chance of having a kid, a family, and a real good Dad.

I miss you, kiddo, and I'm sorry.

5. Sean's death hit close to home just how crazy cancer can do to anyone, let alone a kid. And I think it hit me harder than I expected.

The image of him gasping for air and asking for his parents are forever embedded in my mind. I've already had several dreams of Sean crying to me asking me why I couldn't help him, why I couldn't make him better.

I don't want to forget his face, his smile, and his laugh. But in turn, I don't wish to hear him cry every time I turn my head, I don't wish to see his shadow behind my chair, wondering why I can't make him better.

6. I truly hope this will never come true.

As a child, I would have nightmares of my Dad getting hurt while at a deployment. As I got older, those dreams faded and eventually came to a stop. Just before my injury (and still happens occasionally) I began having dreams of my family members getting killed in combat.

It was as if I am standing right next to them. And it scares me. Having this much family members (whether blood related or not) deployed right now, it scares me. I truly hope they stay safe and the dreams will never come true.

7. I love Sarah but I am deadly afraid of her, already.

I might have said this before on a lighter note but I am as serious as I was before. She is no more than 3 weeks old and I am already deadly afraid of her.

It's not her cry that gets to me. It's not her tears that gets to me, it's her. Or maybe it's me. It's a fear that one day, carrying her the wrong way will trigger a spasm or spasm just happens to kick in when I'm holding her. What if I drop her?

Don't get me wrong, I love her, I really do, I think she is the most adorable thing ever (and I'm not saying that because she's my sister) and I love holding her close. But I am still deadly afraid of dropping her.

If I do and something happens to her, I would never be able to live with myself. I wouldn't be living at all.

I'm not a transparent person at all and telling all this haven't even began to show transparency. But at least I'm trying...

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Baby Busy Life

For those of you who have been wondering why I haven't blog as often as I used to, sorry to disappoint you, my life (our lives) have been pretty busy lately with Sarah and other things going on in our lives.

School have been pretty busy especially with the semester coming to an end. So there are homework that needs to be done, tests that need to be studied and not to mention the SAT subject tests I'm taking in December.

So, yes, my life is been pretty busy right now so I won't blog as much as I did before, but I will always try and squeeze in a few tweets here and there :)

As far as Thanksgiving plans go, though our family tradition is to go to my grandparents ranch and enjoy Thanksgiving dinner, sometimes, they like to mix it up a little. Like this year, the grandparents decided it would be great to fly out to California and spend Thanksgiving there! (If you think I sounded sarcastic, I am) I love my grandparents but really, sometimes I can't help but wonder about how crazy they truly are. So the plan is for everyone who can be home for Thanksgiving (sorry to those who are deployed, we love you guys, really) are flying out to California and we are having our dinner there.

That plan sounds great but wait...we have Sarah, she'll be 2.5 weeks old next week. Is she really okay to fly? According to Mom, she should be okay (other than the crying during air pressure change) but at this point I am truly wonder what my grandparents were thinking (or weren't thinking)

I manage to get us tickets to fly out to California so hopefully it's going to be a good Thanksgiving.

Hope everyone is well and I shall blog whenever I can. Truly hope December gets here quick, I need to get this SAT and finals over with. (Not to mention the result of those college applications too)

This week's football:
Winning team is in bold

USC- Bye Week
Washington- Bye Week
Navy- Bye Week

Ohio St at Michigan, 21-10
Maryland at Florida St, 29-26
Duke at UMiami, 34-16

Chattanooga at Alabama, 45-0

Florida Intl. at Florida, 62-3
Oklahoma at Texas Tech, 41-13

Virginia Military Institute vs Old Dominion, 42-35

Air Force at BYU, 38-21
Baylor at Texas A&M, 38-3
LSU at Ole Miss, 25-23

Army at North Texas, 17-13


Oregon at Arizona, 44-41, 2OT, freaking amazing game!!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Thanksgiving Tradition

We, as a family, tend to do something crazy every Thanksgiving. And well after a long day today, I've determined that the crazy thing this Thanksgiving is that we actually made it to California okay and actually turned out to be a pretty good Thanksgiving.

Dad, Mom, Sarah, and I got to California yesterday afternoon. After we got to the house, we were welcomed by a few family members who were already there. We gave each other hugs and kisses and hung out all afternoon. And as the night moves on, more and more family members showed up.

For dinner, we had home made Chinese food. It turned out to be the only dinner we have as a family sitting around the dinner table. (We have a huge family, if you didn't already know) We prayed first for our family members who couldn't make it back stateside for Thanksgiving and pray that they will not only have a happy Thanksgiving, but a safe one also. We then prayed for the safety of our troops overseas and all over the world, because we know when one family hurts, we all hurt. Lastly, we prayed for Sean and thanked God for giving us so much happy moments with Sean. And at the same time we thank God for taking care of our little buddy, after all, we all know that his 2nd favorite holiday was Thanksgiving.

After dinner on Wednesday, all the little cousins got together and had a backyard football game. (Family tradition, first night is kiddies football, second night is adults football night, and last day is usually when everyone joins in) As we sat around and watching the little kids play, I couldn't help but see myself from years ago. The way I would make the strangest and craziest catch by fooling around. And at the same time, I couldn't help but saw Sean. He sure love playing football during Thanksgiving.

We spend rest of the night planning our Black Friday routes, listening to Grandpa's story from when he was in the Army, playing poker, watching the city lights from the porch, and of course, enjoying each others company.

Thursday morning, I think everyone slept in and didn't eat much at all for breakfast or lunch. We sat around watching football games and talking football, the world, and of course, our military lives. After a long day of waiting, it was finally dinner time. We didn't sit at the table this time, but instead grabbed our food and sat right in front of the TV as we watched the Texas and A&M game.

And as Beasley took that hard hit, trust me, the entire family was thinking of the same thing I was. I think we as a family all held our breath.

And we all let go of that breath when Beasley gave the Hook 'em sign:

At least we know he didn't hurt his spinal cord. That's one good news. Anyways, after eating and having many different types of dessert (my favorite is still pumpkin pie), everyone went in their car and drove out to a secret spot that Uncle Jeff picked out.

An empty parking lot. (For the last two years, I've sat out playing football with everyone, I just can't get around the grass, it's hard on myself and the chair, so trust me, I was excited to see the parking lot)

And just like that, we used the lights on the vehicles and played good old fashion football. I caught a few passes that was pretty cool and even scored a TD. It was a great game.

I just couldn't stop smiling, feels good to be playing again, even if it's a family football game, it felt great.

We drove back to the house and sat on the porch listening to another one of Grandpa's story and drinking hot chocolate. As we sat on the porch and look down at the city lights, we said a last prayer of the night.

Pray for the families of all those who are deployed, of the ones lost at Ft. Hood, and most important, for Veterans who make all this possible.

Sure is a great Thanksgiving if you ask me.

Tomorrow's Friday and well, most of us are going to take part of the Black Friday shopping events. Some of us went to bed early while some of us (like me) is staying up playing poker, watching TVs and so on. Strangely, it is also my Dad's birthday tomorrow. (I haven't got him anything so...hopefully I can pick up something shopping around tomorrow) So we'll be celebrating his birthday before he flies home.

Hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving week football!

Texas at Texas A&M- 49-39

Alabama at Auburn, 26-21

Oklahoma v Oklahoma St, 27-0

Maryland v Boston College, 19-17
UMiami at S. Florida, 31-10
Florida v Florida St, 37-10

Texas Tech at Baylor, 20-13

Washington v Washington St, 30-0

LSU v Arkanas, 33-30 OT

Notre Dame v Stanford, 45-38

USC v UCLA, 28-7, poor UCLA, they were pissed! Haha

Navy at Hawaii, 24-17

Friday, November 13, 2009

Dream that Hurts

It's been a busy week between caring for Sarah, doing school work, physical therapy and of course, studying for the SAT 2 I'm taking in December (Not the entire SAT, oh Lord, no, just taking the two subject tests and what not so I can give the scores to the colleges I applied to- and for the people who are wondering if I submit 'em applications yet, I did, just need to wait till March/April to hear back from 'em)

But I guess busy can be a good thing, maybe, I'm not so sure yet.

Lately, I've been having the same dream and waking up in the morning, I realize some of 'em aren't dreams, some of 'em are just from my past.

Dream started out something like this:

Way before Sarah was born, my parents and I would be sitting at the dinner table, talking about our day, our highs and our lows of the day and everything in between. And out of random, I said out loud, "Mom, Dad, I want to enlist." And remember both of their mouth just froze. After a couple minutes, Dad said, "You're 14, son, let's talk about it later on, shall we? You got at least 3 years to go before I can even think about signing that paper for you."

But for some reason, I didn't want to stop talking about it, I answered, "Well I know Dad I got a few years but I already know what I want to do. Go 11 Bravo and I don't know maybe I'll get to join the Rangers or even SF!"

I remember that sad look on Mom's face but she still said with a smile, "Want to be just like your Daddy, don't you sweetheart?" I answered yes.

Dad said again, "I don't think you are so sure, son. By telling me 'you don't know' I know you're not sure what you want to do. You're 14, really, think about it and we'll talk later on, alright?"

Then time seemed to fast forwarded to when I was 17, I never got hurt, I never went to rehab, and likely, the chair never happened.

"So Dad...can you sign this?"
"This is what you want to do?"
"Yes, sir."
"Go tell your Mom you love her and head to bed, you'll get the paper back in the morning."
"Yes, sir. Goodnight, Dad."
"Night, son."

And before I knew it, I was kissing my Mom goodbye on the way to basic, my Dad never said much but shook my hand and told me to take care of myself and don't be a smart ass. I nodded and went on the bus.

Time fast forward again and I was home on leave after getting assigned to my new duty station, Ft. Campbell. The place reminded me so much of everything, after all, I lived there when I was a kid. All my friends and I hung out, we had fun and of course, I spend the time with my parents and Sarah (who was born when I was in basic)

At the end of the leave, I told 'em I'm getting deployed to AStan, neither of 'em were happy but they said they were proud of me, they told me to keep in touch and keep my head down.

I gave Mom and Sarah a kiss, gave Dad a hug and shook his hand then left the house.

I woke up with some what of a cold sweat and just minutes before my alarm goes off. There were few dreams just like this one but I was at Ft. Sill for AIT. I wouldn't classify this as a nightmare or bad dream, it's a good dream and truly, I'm glad I keep on getting the same dream over and over again.

Only bad thing about it is after I get up, I feel so good about the dream that I physically hurt. Because I know it won't ever happen to me, not in this lifetime. And even if I try to hide the hurt from my family and friends, my parents always seems know what's up. And I think in some ways, they are hurting with me.

I wouldn't change my life for the world but sometimes, you just can't help but wonder.

This week's football schedule/scores:
Winning team is in bold

Virginia Military Institute at Army- 22-17
Michigan at Wisconsin- 45-24

Maryland vs Virginia Tech- 36-9

Stanford at USC- 55-21
Washington at Oregon St- 48-21
Delaware at Navy- 35-18
UMiami at North Carolina- 33-24
Iowa at Ohio St- 27-24 OT
Florida at S. Carolina- 24-14

UNLV at Air Force- 45-17

Texas A&M at Oklahoma- 65-10
Louisiana Tech at LSU- 24-16
Arizona at Cal- 24-16
Alabama at Mississippi St- 31-3

Texas Tech at Oklahoma St- 24-17

Arizona St at Oregon- 44-21

Friday, November 6, 2009

God Must be Busy but I Saw God Today

Every time I hear the song "God Must be Busy" by Brooks&Dunn, it tends to stop me where I am and make me think. Of all the things that happen in the world, really, this song is amazing.

Just listen for yourself:

That being said, I think this is just the week when everything in the nation gone wrong. With the tragedy at Ft. Hood, I'm sure no one thought would be worse. But just next day, there were another tragedy at Orlando and really, while there were craziness, panic, and fear, all these incidents made me think of the song. Made me thought of the lyrics:

God must be busy.

God really must be busy this week.

My hearts and prayer goes out to the families involved in both incident. We are still trying to find out if two families we know are doing okay. Truly praying that they are.

And even in the mist of all the craziness, there is miracle and peace. Mom gave birth to Sarah Jadira (meaning deserves touch) around 1730 on Thursday. Truly in the mist of crazy news about Ft. Hood, we are extremely glad (and happy) to have Sarah join our family. And seeing Sarah with Mom and Dad (who got home late Wednesday night, I didn't see him till Thursday morning. I love my Dad really, but starting to be sick of all the mystery his job entails) reminded me of George Strait's "I Saw God Today" This truly is the miracle of life.

Sarah is a healthy baby (weighed at about 6lbs at birth, small but we love her anyways) and cute little girl (though I must say all babies look the same to me, ha) so far she's been pretty quiet and sure hope she keeps it that way, haha :P

Thanks for everyone's congrats wishes and those who offered to make food for our family. If you really insist (and live nearby, really friends from Twitter, we appreciate the offer but that's too much trouble for you guys who live miles and miles away. Appreciate the offer though :D) please drop the food right outside our front door. We can't thank you guys enough for thinking of us during this crazy yet wonderful time :)

This is the start of a great and long journey, Mom's glad that she "popped" and well, Dad and I are both glad that both her and Sarah are healthy and well. Mom and Sarah should be home Sunday or Monday and then it's onto the sleep deprived moments of life!

If I haven't mentioned it before, majority of the nights will be my job to take care of when Sarah is hungry. My parents are in charge of the diaper duty- since I can't exactly reach the changing station- and during the day my parents will be taking care of Sarah while I'm at school. Dad will be home till his paternity leave (thanks Army) ends and most likely couple days after that before heading back to work. While Mom will be home for her maternity leave for I believe 6 weeks? We're still not sure what to do after that but I'm sure my parents will come up with something soon.

I will post pictures as soon as I can. There are craziness in the family between the birth of Sarah and finding out if our family friends are ok at Ft. Hood. So it might take awhile but hopefully some times soon.

Thanks again everyone :)

This week's football. Sarah's "first" football weekend! Note: Winning team is in bold.

Texas Tech- Bye Week

UMiami vs Virginia- 52-17
Michigan vs Purdue- 38-36

Maryland at NC State- 38-31

Texas A&M at Colorado- 35-34

Navy at Notre Dame- 23-21

Army at Air Force- 35-7 Can't believe how bad we got creamed :(
Washington at UCLA- 24-23
Alabama vs LSU- 24-15, BAMA!
Ohio St at Penn St- 24-7
Oregon at Stanford- 51-42

Virginia Military Institute at Liberty- 54-14
Cal vs Oregon State- 31-14

Florida vs Vanderbilt- 27-3

Oklahoma at Nebraska- 10-3
USC at Arizona St- 14-9

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Car Birth?

I never get why people hate school so much. I think if everyone just take a look at school in general, they'll see how great it can really be.

True that I, at times hate school and wish to skip it but overall, I think I just like (and even love) school. There might be a good reason for it also. After I got hurt I missed months of school to spend the time in hospital and rehab. I couldn't wait to go back to school. And as I live out my SCI, there are times (like the most recent visit) I need to stay in the hospital and well, that means missing school. It might seem kind of cool to miss school at first, but trust me, staying at the hospital is no fun. On top of that, after awhile, you get sick of the nurses, no matter how hot they might be.

So, after being gone for two weeks, I was truly glad to be back at school again. Even with the amount of tests I have to make up, I'm just glad to be back.

Today, over all was a good day. Friends were glad to see me and I sure am glad to see 'em. It really is good to be back.

After school, there were few errands (more like many) I had to run for Mom. While doing that, for the strangest reason, I swear I heard Sean's voice. Again, I know I'm going nuts. I didn't think much of it, really, at this point I know I'm out of it with lack of sleep and so on.

I manage to make it to physical therapy on time today, good stuff! Sure is good to be back to some sort of a regular schedule. Sure tennis is fun but hey PT still is pretty awesome, haha. :P I thought PT went alright, but right now, considering how different I feel, ya I know I'm out of shape!

Better lose those lbs that the doctor wanted me to lose, haha.

I got an email from Sean's Dad when I got home. He told me he saw a kid that looks just like Sean when he went on patrol days ago. I didn't say much to him about it but truly, we're all trying to recover and in the same time remember in our own little ways. Even if everything reminds us of Sean, I think and really hope he's still with us (if not watch over us) doing what he does best, goofing off and just ball of energy (whether he's on meds or not!)

Mom's doing well (for those who have been asking) she really is ready to get this baby out of her. Me, at the same time, is getting really nervous just to get her to the hospital in time.

And like my Mom, she said, "Don't worry Matt, worse comes worse, we'll have a car birth!"

Great...a car birth...
Why not just call her Saab then?

Thanks Mom...thanks, way to make me more nervous than I was before.

Saturday, October 31, 2009


First, I hope everyone had a happy and safe Halloween. :D

In my family, we ain't really big on candy. When I was younger, we would go out Trick or Treatin' but after I think I got to 5th grade, that just stopped. Since I'm not huge on candy, I guess I don't really have a huge lost in it.

I think as I grow older, the idea of getting candy is just not really huge anymore. Ya I may still dress up and go out to get candy, but really, I think the idea is all about hanging with friends. And though the MPs want to make sure that we older kids don't get in trouble, we still manage to find ways to mess up houses without getting in trouble.

Those were the days, thinking back to my first costume, I was only a kid dressing up in my Dad's BDU, I can't imagine me doing anything else. Just putting it that costume on made me believe I really was a soldier.

Crazy Times

Those were the times ain't it.

As I got older, we made it a family tradition to carve pumpkins. At first we weren't that good, using cut outs and other people's idea to go about our pumpkin carving fun. Then as years go on, we started to expand our designs to more than just the old fashion Jack-o'-lanterns.

Family Favorite

Even when Dad's gone during Halloween, Mom and I manage to get pumpkin carving to our own. I can still remember carving pumpkin at the hospital, Mom sneak in a small pumpkin so she and I could carve it together. (Needless to say I was too knock out from the meds to do anything. But still was fund memory)

This year, I invited some friends over. We sat around deciding on different things to do. A friend carved some Pokémons while another carved out his favorite college football team. I sat there and couldn't decide which one to do.

And it came to me like a whisper in the wind. I ended up decided on doing an Autobot. With a help of a friend, we managed to carve out a good looking Autobot right on the pumpkin. But with a slip, the top of the Autobot's head fell off.

Find where we went wrong

That did not make me happy at all. There was a reason I picked Autobot because Sean loved Transformers. It was in my mind to do something in his honor and memory. So needless to say I wasn't happy when it first broke.

But as the night went on, I guess it was ok. A lot of the kids that came to our house knew it was a Transformer and glad they loved it. After all, it's for 'em to see.

But as kids continue to knock on our door, every single one of 'em reminds me of Sean. The little costume, the little voice that barely whispers "Happy Halloween." and the smile when they get to pick out their own candy out of the basket. Every single one of 'em reminded me of Sean. Not sure if I should or how I can shake that feeling. I love it when I feel he's right next to me but at the same time, I ache for many different reasons.

Happy Halloween, buddy
I'll save some candy for you, kiddo.

Halloween Football! Winning team is in bold.
Army- Bye Week (Prepping for the game against AF!)
Maryland- Bye Week
Washington- Bye Week
Alabama- Bye Week

Ohio St v New Mexico St, 45-0

Virginia Military Institute v Charleston Southern, 31-21

Navy v Temple, 27-24
Texas A&M v Iowa State, 35-10
Texas Tech v Kansas, 42-21
Florida v Georgia, 41-17 Freaking awesome catch by Cooper!

Great Catch by Cooper!

Cal at Arizona St, 23-21
UMiami at Wake Forest, 28-27 Good win Hurricanes!
Michigan at Illinios, 38-13

Air Force at Colorado St, 34-16
UCLA at Oregon St, 26-19

Oklahoma v Kansas St, 42-30

LSU v Tulane, 42-0
USC at Oregon, 47-20 Really glad USC got their butt kicked. GO DUCKS!

Outta There!

I woke up this morning thinking of someone I miss dearly. I remember when Sean first asked me "when can we leave?" and that look on his face was just priceless. So upon packing up some of my things and leaving the hospital, I couldn't help but think of that little guy. And likewise for the rest of the day, I just couldn't stop thinking of that little man.

After Mom picked me up and dropped me off back at the house, I didn't stay long before I went off to run errands. The house felt different, my room, the car, and even Dosh felt different (even though she was extremely glad to see me) but then, they also did when I got out of rehab. You wouldn't believe how much things you missed while you're in the hospital and when you get discharged, you tend to lose track or time, date, and so much more. It's as if you're in a coma or something, you just can't seem to keep up.

I liked the weather though, getting the nice cold weather I'm hoping for and of course, snow. Ain't this weather just great? Can't wait till I catch some fresh powder and grab some big air.

I didn't realize how much errands I had to do. I was out the entire day and didn't get home till late at night. Don't think I realized just how much more baby stuff we need. (Though I did find a nice cool site with everything you'll need, called Diapers.com They got everything, literally, good place. Just might have to start ordering from there from now on) Mom is still thinking up a name while telling me what to pick up for the baby and what she'll need in a bag all ready to go just in case the baby decides to pop out of her early. (That bag now sits in my backseat, everything Mom ever need it for her hospital stay)

And while the day is busy and the hours are short, I still couldn't help but think of Sean. It's one of those days when everything I do reminds me of him. Every one and every thing I hear reminds me of the little man. And yes, I wish he's still here, running errands with me, or even just sit in the car and laugh our butts off at nothing.

I can't get myself to look at a picture of Sean. I can't get myself to listen to songs that reminds me of him. I can't even get myself to order Sean's favorite food. I miss the little guy, a lot more than usual today and while talking to my aunt (who is now back overseas to finish up her tour), I found out that we were both thinking about Sean today and as she cried over Skype, I couldn't get myself to. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing but I can't cry, but my heart sure aches like no tomorrow. I miss the man, our jokes, our laughs, and our serious time.

I talked to my aunt for a few after that on Skype. We talked about how thing are going around the house and she said she's excited for Mom to have the baby too. I don't think any of us is looking to replace Sean, but a new addition to our life would also be nice.

Here's something my aunt wrote, she gave me permission to share it with everyone and in hopes that Sean will read it like he did before.

We miss you buddy, very much.

Hey Lil Man,

It's 0200 and I can't sleep. With PT in just a few hours, I am trying not to hear my thoughts, but that didn't work. I miss you so much, your way of touching my face, your sweet kisses, the face you made when your nose tickled and the way you said "Mama, not my nose!!" I remember how I had told you one day that every time your nose tickled it was because I wanted to kiss it...you would even get mad at me when it just wouldn't stop annoying you. I miss your dino kisses. I miss your voice when you said my name, when you said "Mama, I just like you more better" I miss your dimples, no one can smile like you do. I miss your attitude, I miss hearing you say that you are the boss of stuff...

I am sorry for so much baby. I am sorry you had to got through it all and alone without me or your Daddy there. I am sorry I didn't let you go to school, I am sorry you didn't get to see the ocean and the ranch one more time. I am sorry you didn't get to see me or your Daddy one more time. I am sorry I couldn't hold you when you were hurting. I am sorry we couldn't make you better. I am sorry finger phones don't work in Heaven...

I look around this place sometimes, I just stand there and see everything that reminds me of you. HUMVEEs, pictures...I want to hug you...I can't hug memories.

I need you to help me out lil man. I need strength so I can be a good soldier. I know I am not doing the best job right now...I need you to remind me to smile, over and over again...I need you to tell me it will be okay because today more than ever since you died, I just want to hold you tight and never let go... I just can't do it without you ...

I love you
Your Mama, forever and ever...

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Transition to LifeTransition to Life

Been here for 15 days and in ways, I'm not ready to go home (ya I know I've wanted to get out of here since I got here but...) I think rehab did a toll on me.

I think after I got hurt, rehab was the biggest thing in my life. In some ways you're like a baby again, sometimes there's excitement in re-learning things like sitting up, use the chair, eat, hold a spoon, and even go to the bathroom but really most of the time you feel childish for doing all these things.

And slowly you shut yourself down, not towards others, but yourself.

There's a lot of things you can learn in rehab from your OT or PT, there's a lot things you pick up yourself or learn it from the advice of other people in rehab.

But no matter how much you learn in rehab, there's something they won't ever teach you.

How to make the transition better, easier, and less awkward for you, your friends and your family. Ya there might be little things you learn or didn't learn in rehab but the transition, the awkwardness, the fear, nightmare, and how to deal with it all and more is something you'll never learn in rehab.

So likewise, towards the end of your rehab stay, you tend to not want to go home. It's not world that scares you but the transition, the nightmares and awkwardness that tends to scare you the most.

I guess staying at the hospital for this long is reminding me of that fear and though I'll eventually get over it, it's another fear I don't wish to add on my list. I guess in ways the human body always fear for something and well that is just one of my many fears.

I talked to the doctor today, he sees no more reason for keeping me here and said I can leave tomorrow if I wish. Well..now that I have the permission to leave, I don't want to. There are things I fear and wish to avoid at this point of my life, yet, there's no way of me hiding from it. Even if it means I fall off the ends of the world.

Like I said before, I am very much FUBAR and I don't know how to fix it....in ways I don't think I can or ever will.

Thus is life I guess.

In other news, Mom's been going to the clinic every couple days now (for check ups and what not...) According to the doctor, the baby is arriving soon (he said probably around 3rd or 4th? Mom wish it was now, she's had enough of this baby in her) Of which I guess it kind of gives me the "need" to get home ASAP so I can get everything in order and do what I need to do to prep for this baby to come.

Dad isn't home yet and well I'm still not sure what Mom wants to do for name. She still got the name "Sarah" in mind. As for the middle name, I guess it's my job or something. (My friend Brooke and I came up with these: Nicole, Audrey, Ashlynn, and Baylee, so I don't know maybe Mom will ok these. More suggestions would be good)

I often wonder if life can be normal for me, but then I remembered being a cripple, a brat, and a human mean there is no normality.

But sure is crazy though. I'm going to do my best to live out these last few days on my own. Soon, there will be a little one I drag around or sitting on my lap. I personally can't wait, though I can do without the crying and poop and so on. Mom and I came to the agreement that I can do everything except the diaper change- because of my grip thing and well, the changing station is too high for me. So until Dad gets home, I'll be pulling most of the night shifts and feeding and what not. Really hope I don't mess up.

That strange feeling is still there. Kind of more nervous feeling than others. Really hoping I'll be a good brother. Really hoping that I won't drop the kid, or have any kind of influence on her that will mess her up later. A lot of people say it's normal and we'll see I guess. Really hope when we're in our 30s and 40s, we'll look back and know everything was good.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Heads Up

I think being here for 2 weeks, I've notice something about the hospital on post and how different it can be to a civilian hospital. (Now I'm comparing this to the experience I had with civies hospitals, I know there are good ones out there, but this is just what I'm base on at the hospital and rehab after I got hurt)

Evans U.S. Army Hospital, 1997

1. Nurses/docs here care (or what seem like it) more than civies doc. They take time to talk to you. Not those awkward conversations and small talks but really talk to you.In other words, they can truly relation to everyone there in one way or another. They know what it's like to deploy, have family deploy, and so on.

2. Though the hospital building seem small and old, within the building is just amazing. Ya it's probably not the best technology out there but really, the Army hook you up with some cool rooms and well not to mention they got decent food out there. Food that I can actually see what it is.

3. Though naggy, the nurses are still pretty cool. Most of them , are fairly young and well enough to ask you about shows like House rather than some shows that's been off air for ages.

4. Some docs and nurses ain't afraid to joke around. They ain't scared to scare you just as a joke or for a nice laugh. Really, it's hilariously what they'll say to you just to either make you feel that much better or make your day better.

5. Unlike the hospital I stay at when I got hurt, these guys actually act like they love this job and that us, the patients, aren't just a chore that needs to be done.

Those are just for now, we'll see how long I stay here to find their flows (nagging, bothering, of course, the norm is given)

East Entrance of Evans U.S. Army Hospital, 2001

So, given the free time I got laying around, I get most of things done. Things as in homework and what not. Tests are mostly excused, bring home, or just done when I get back to school. As far as college goes, the list remains (Florida, Ohio State, Kentucky, Texas A&M, Maryland, Oklahoma, UMiami) and well lately I've been thinking a lot about my top 3 schools and as much as Florida/Miami sounds amazing, I think those two will be my last choices. (Took me long time to finally make up my mind about that because of how bad I want to play rugby for The Rattlers So I think the decision is now

1. Oklahoma
2. Oho State
3. Texas A&M/Kentucky
4. Maryland
5. Florida
6. UMiami

What I'm going to do also is look at places with cooler temperature (up north and maybe even in CO) and if that means I have to go with any of my back up majors, so be it. Really hoping I can stick with this major though.

For those who are wondering here are my planned majors in order:
Plan A: Kinesiology
Plan B: Criminology and History (Double Major or Majoring/Minoring)
Plan C: Sports Management/Medicine
Plan D: Economics and Finance (Double Major or Majoring/Minoring)
Plan E: Aerospace/Electrical/Mechanical Engineering (Just one Engineering, in that order of choice)

So all that should keep me busy for awhile, between that and school and so on.

For my online friends (TS people, Twitter, and others that I talk to online) this is a heads up that I'm going to be pretty busy with school, college stuff and of course, Mom's going to give birth soon to my little sister. So really, I'll still be online but just not as much. I'll try to update either my Twitter and/or blog as often as I can. So If I don't get online or you don't seem me around Twitter/TS/Blog or even online, don't worry, I'm good, I'm just busy.

If there is really something going on, you guys would eventually know. Whether it's good or bad. So really, please don't worry about me. I'll be fine, really :)

Rehab is like Boot Camp

Again, I am stuck here...because to the doctors, 99 is a temp and well, at least for me thinking it ain't he disagree with me leaving, I'm about to storm out of here just to flip 'em off or something...

The weather is getting nice out, slowly I can see the winter slowly rowing in out here and for once, I don't mind waiting in line at the Commissary or the OX, hey even the ATM on pay day. Just want out of here. Staying in the hospital for this long (I think around 12 days?) it reminded me of 3 years ago. The hours is bed wondering if I'll live or not. The days of wondering what happened to me, why couldn't I move my arms, legs, and more. The diagnoses still scares me. The words that came out of the doctor's mouth still haunts me daily. Strange how things in the past can still mess with you daily.

I still remember when the doctor's told me how lucky I am to be alive, how good rehab is these days. I didn't believe 'em one bit. Some I still don't but, oh well I guess.

Anyways, staying here for this long reminds me of that hospital stay and now, for some strange reason, it's making me think of rehab. Rehab in ways are just like boot camp. You get a place to sleep, food and well, the rest is just shit. If you get a good OT and PT, they'll challenge you but if you don't they'll make you feel like dirt. And come to think of it, you'd be feeling like shit anyways. Overall, everyone's first week feels like dirt. You are so dependent on everyone, it's as if you're a baby. You can't get out of bed on your own, you can't eat, drink, or even piss on your own. You'll feel degraded as if you're literally nothing. That's exactly what rehab is like. Then as time moves on you'll find ways to do things that don't make sense. You get pissed at yourself when you can't get up from bed, when you can't hold a fork or get dressed.

Rehab is like hell and just like boot camp. I don't like it one bit when I was there and now, with this hind sight, I still don't like it but I'm glad of what I learned (or re-learned?) during that time. But really though, staying here in the hospital for so long reminds me of my past. Reminds of me the days I spend in ICU, in rehab and the transition back into the real world.

And truth be told, it scares me. Nightmares wake me up and keep me awake. The thought of nightmares make me want to stay up for days or at least long enough so I pass out. So maybe, just maybe I wouldn't have nightmares.

After reading my last blog, a friend told that I ain't FUBAR. Again, thank you but I am. I know I am. So many things in life that happened that I don't wish to share, yet. Those things define who I am, who I've become , and most likely who I'll be in the future. I'm a person with many secrets and I am in no way transparent to others. That's just how I am.

And after staring at my chair for the entire night, I'm angry at her, pissed off and so much more.
Like I said before, it's a love&hate relationship between my chair and I. Right now, it's all hate.

Sorry girl, I hate you right now. I wish I never met you.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


Right now, I'm wondering if this is how Sean felt. I'm wondering if this is how people in the hospital feel as the IVs drips and machine beeping and the nurses constantly checking up on you. Do you not know the meaning of a well deserved rest? No wonder people lose pounds when they're in (and if these nurses are civilians, I'd probably bitch 'em out. Too bad I can't, some of 'em are even Captains, let's not get smoked later on just cause I bitched out an O-3) so instead of getting sleep, I'm getting nurses visit and machine beeping. Really, I'm not dying, I just, want to go home.

There's too many things that need to be taken care of. Things need to be brought before the baby comes and not to mention I need to get use to the accessible crib and so much more. In just a week or two, I'll no longer be an only child. And truth be told, I'm excited for this new life and adventure.

Mom's been talking about names again. She really like the name Sarah (meaning princess) but I told her it's too original. She haven't even got a middle name in mind either. I swear this baby just might be nameless till Dad gets home. (Can they do that?!) Either way, she's ready for the baby to pop out and she's ready to push all the baby chores to me. Guess one thing good is that she won't have these strange cravings at the strangest hours.

Aside from the home events, drama still continues at school. Loads of college applications to finish and homework to do. Though I got to say how great some friends are who decided to stop buy so we can have a study group and college apps party. Never thought senior year could be this crazy...

I do have a request for my readers. Do you guys think it'd be a good idea for me to use one of my blogs as part of the essay? Meaning to just copy and paste it? If so, which one is good? (Just like to take a vote and see what's people's view on it.)

I think when I'm bored and really nothing to do it's when I go through stuff and think and wonder about others. While flipping through some of my stuff on the computer, I discovered poems I made just out of random. They're mostly (or I think all of 'em are) military related. Reading all of 'em back to myself, I'm starting to wonder if I should publish it or something. I mean, it's be cool.

There's just so much going through my mind right now it's not even funny. School, college, Sean, Dad, Mom, the baby, Dosh, Airborne, and just so much more.

I've been reading up on the DoD release and the thought of units being rotated worries me, makes me wonder and makes me wish for a lott of things. Been hearing a lot about Basic/Boot Camp/RTC, AIT/Tech School/A-school from my friends and well...with each conversation, my heart aches and crumbles while my face is covered in laughs and smiles. I still see myself joining, I still go see the recruiters daily, I still see myself in ACUs, doing drills, in formations, PTing, and so much more. But, well...guess seeing is crazy in this case. I may joke around that often but seeing friends and family in the service is slowly eating me away, just not sure I'll lose it.

Or maybe I already have...seeing things that I hope ain't real, dreaming things that can't come true. Little things in life, gestures, actions make me flinch, every tackle I see is me, and laying in this bed with the IVs and this stupid mask, I want to just give up, to let it all go. If I had no one, none at all, that's what I'd do. I'd just say bye to it and flip it off. But no, that ain't an option, I got to keep it up for Mom, Dad, and the new baby. If it wasn't for 'em...

I'd be hanging out with Sean right now. With Sean, Mr. Reagon, Mr. Charles, Mr. Jackson, and all the fallen heroes...

God damn, I am fucked up. I need a drink or at least a smoke. I don't even remember when I started smoking...just did and even with my paralysis, I made it work.
How? I just did...
Why? Because...
Will I get in trouble? I'm not sure, nor do I care...old enough to drive, die for my country (or lack there of) I'm sure smoking ain't shit (nor is drinking for that matter)

After so long, I think I'll finally say it and release it to the world. Me, Matthew QKnuckles, is FUBAR. More FUBAR than anyone know or imagine.

My life is a mirror, you'll see me as me but you won't ever know the real me...
Like I said,

Since I was feeling good at all for last week's football game, here's the score:
Cal at UCLA, 45-26
USC at Notre Dame, 34-27

Army at Temple, 27-13
Oregon- Bye Week
Texas A&M at Kansas State, 62-14
Alabama vs South Carolina, 20-6
Ohio St at Purdue, 26-18
Oklahoma at Texas, 16-13
Navy at Southern Methodist, 38-35

Maryland vs Virginia, 20-9
UMiami at UCF, 27-7
Texas Tech at Nebraska, 31-1
Virginia Military Institute vs Stony Brook, 27-20

Air Force vs Wyoming, 10-0

Florida vs Arkansas, 23-20
LSU- Bye Week
Michigan vs Delaware State, 63-6
Washington at Arizona State, 17-24

Winning teams are in bold

And below is this week's game results:
Army vs Rutgers, 27-10

Ohio St vs Minnesota, 38-7

Maryland at Duke, 17-13

Virginia Military Institute at Presbyterian, 31-20

Washington v Oregon, 43-19

Alabama vs Tennessee, 12-10 One of the most amazing game I've ever seen. Go Bama!
Oklahoma at Kansas, 35-13
Navy vs Wake Forest, 13-10
Michigan vs Penn State, 35-10
UMiami vs Clemson, 40-37 OT

Air Force at Utah, 23-16

Cal vs Washington State, 49-17

UCLA at Arizona, 27-13

Texas A&M at Texas Tech, 52-30 Go Aggies! :D

Florida at Mississippi State, 29-19
LSU vs Auburn, 31-10

USC vs Oregon State, 42-36

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I Need a Freaking Smoke

I think it's hilarious, even at this time of the day, Dad find the way to smoke me out. And I don't even know where in the world he's at. Really, what the hell?!

Within this week or the next, Mom will have the baby and really they still don't know what to name it and I, again, have to lay here listening to Mom going through the list like different color paint swatches. If you've been reading, you know I'm sick, I'm laying in the hospital bed, bored, sick, fever, and so on.

And as if I can't feel any worse, got an one minute call from Dad. And like the Dad he is, he smoked me out. Not really sure for what because I was half out of it so I just answered "Yes, sir" throughout the phone. I think it was something about being sick and not watching out for myself and Mom. I don't know, don't really remember what he was talking about.

Anyways, I think in ways it's funny. My Dad, a SNCO whose been in the Army for years can smoke me out even when I don't know where he's at. Even when he probably can't get to a phone, he still somehow get one just to smoke me out. Even if it's for a minute.

Not sure how I feel about that but I guess like my Grandpa say it, "They yell and scream because they love you."

Guess he loves me. I love you too Dad. (Wonder if I can yell at him? Oh I wouldn't dare, haha) Boy, I can use a smoke right now.

Right now, for those who are wondering, I'm still out of it. But well enough to be awake, half out of it, talking to a friend on IM while watching Bones with her on Hulu. And well type this blog. So really thank you to everyone who have been wondering how I'm doing. I'm alive and out of it but hey, that's me, ain't it :P

Just hope I can get home soon!
Thanks again everyone. Hopefully Dad wouldn't smoke me out any time soon.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Naive. Sick. Thinking.

Right now, I can't sleep. I got this horrible fever that I can't break nor can I breathe without this oxygen mask on me. I haven't been feeling well at all, even with the amount of time I spend sleeping these days. Whatever it is I have...horrible and I'm sick of it. This is one of many reason I why I hate being sick. It gives me too much time to sick or lay here just thinking and not doing anything. Which in ways, it's horrible.

I've been thinking a lot about Dad and Sean lately. Dad still isn't back yet and Mom's due soon and geeze I get sick at the worse time, ever.

I remember when Sean was getting treatment, I would sit by his bed (or on his bed) and some times, I would watch him sleep. I'd wonder if the poison that was dripping into his veins would do the trick, wondering if anything was growing in his brain. I remember wondering if my Aunt and Uncle would have to bury Sean, I remember thanking God for Sean and everyone in the family and wonder if all this he's doing is all part of his plan. Sean's always been a smart one. I remember when we had his latest MRI, he was sitting in his room and he told me, "It's back Cousin Matty. In my head, it's back!" and I remember telling him don't be silly and everything will be ok. Now I'm wondering if he knew it all along, he sure is a smart man.

At times, I wonder if I can just take Sean and run away. Hoping that the tumor and sickness won't hurt him anymore. Silly of me I guess. Within just 2 weeks, what was a small tumor the size of a nail turned into a tumors and sizes of a dollar and spreading like a germ and wildfire. It all seem like yesterday. Seems like yesterday he was just sitting in my lap, smiling and joking around. Seems like yesterday he took his last step, held his blankie, ate on his own, talked, and so much more. Really all seem like yesterday...I remember all the emotion that everyone in the family was feeling, that sadness, that pain, and so much more. We're all expected him to go to Heaven soon but that fear just scare the hell out of you. The fear I see when I saw him taking his last breath, his last heartbeat.

I remember reading somewhere that every day, 6 families will see their love ones leaving for Heaven. I remember thinking that can never be us, at least not this early.

I can be really naive sometimes.

I remember saying to myself that 45,000 troops is what Mr. President will go with. I remember yelling at the TV saying 45,000 troops. Then I realize people don't even know what really is going on. People hear about the troops and units being send overseas constantly but people don't really hear or think about those who deploy without us even knowing it. I've been ask before what my Dad does and I just told 'em "He's Army" and move on. I don't think people realize not everything in the Army is out in the open. And even when they hear about the 45,000 troops that will be needed for Afghanistan, they don't know or don't think about the people already there or in other parts of the world. I don't think people know what to ay when you tell 'em that your Dad isn't part of the usual group of Army. They tend to say "cool" and "sweet" and nothing more. Because they don't know what to say. Ya it's cool sometimes but really...it's more than being cool.

Sometimes, it's about staying up late or waking up early with nightmares wondering where Dad is, if he's okay, safe, and when he'll be coming home. The nerve of him being here one day smoking your butt out and the next he can be anywhere else in the word. And it tends to happen when I got nothing to do, when there's less things to worry about or more time to wonder about things like that.

I'm sick really sick and not sure when I'll get better. Soon I hope, really, so I don't have to have time to think about the stupid things. So I can have more time taking care of Mom and the new baby, so I'm not laying in the hospital bed wondering and thinking about the unthinkable.

God I can use a drink right now or at least a smoke.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Sick but Alive

First off, thanks for everyone's get well wishes. Can't thank you all enough

Second, I'm hating my Mom for writing that last blog, way to embarrass me, Mom.

It's been a crazy last couple of days and well, I'm alive just not yet well. I came in the hospital with AD (Autonomic Dysreflexia) and expected to be treated for just that but some how, I got sicker. Fever, puking up, you name it. Just not good last couple of days. So the doctor did some tests to find out I not only have a liver infection but also kidney infections to go with it. When I heard it, I was about to shot someone. Really, with my injury, anything can kill me before I know it. So I guess in a way I'm glad I came to the hospital to be treated for AD, without this trip, I'd probably never really realize I was sick.

Anyways, for those who are wondering, I'm still feeling out of it and feeling pretty sick. Laying in the hospital bed with the machine beeping and the IVs dripping (oh look I've turn into a "rapper" since I've been here, great! NOT!) but I'm here ain't I? My fever is still flexing up and down but with 'em knowing what's wrong with me, I'm pretty sure these meds they're giving me will make me better soon. Hopefully, actually, really hoping I'll be out of here and get back to school. Can't imagine the amount of work I got to and on top of the college applications. (I've been trying to work on some homework but meh, sick as a dog, going need to catch up later on)

Anyways, thank you again everyone for the get well wishes. Really hoping I'll be out of this place soon and into the "normal" routine.

Friday, October 16, 2009

My Baby is Very Sick

Before Matt passed out in his hospital bed earlier, he told me.

"Mama...my friends on Twitter don't know what's happening and I don't want 'em to worry about me"

He was sick as a dog but he had to make sure I'll write somethin' on the blog for all his Twitter friends to know. I figure I write somethin' right now.

Matt has been tellin' me about Twitter family that constantly gives him support when he needs it. Sure is thankful he has y'all!

Matt had gotten sick and showed signs of Autonomic Dysreflexia a couple days ago. Brought him to the ER and they treated him for AD. He's gotten sicker since then and the doctor is suspecting some kind of kidney or liver infection. Test results will be telling us more.

Now Matt is a strong boy and will be fine, I'm sure. Thank y'all for being so kind to my baby boy.

Very thankful and many love

Sunday, October 11, 2009

We're All Hurting

I've never been a fan of silence. When the room is too quiet, I tend to listen to music or TV. Even if I'm not watching the show or the movie, I just like the background noise.

I went to pick up my Aunt and Uncle this evening. The drive there was strange, reminds me of the days I'd drive up in the dark nights to go see Sean. It reminded me of the nights I'd sit in my room wondering if I should drive up to the hospital just to see Sean. Makes me wonder if the school events I went to was worth it, if staying at home was worth it.

Was it?

Homecoming should be happy, should be joyful, full of hugs, kisses, and happy tears. It sure is different today. I saw my Uncle and Aunt, both in uniform, being thanked by strangers for doing what they do. And on their faces, I can see the sadness and urge to see Sean again. I gave 'em both a hug and went on towards the car. There was no words, none at all as we got in the car. I didn't ask how their flight as, if they are hungry, tired, I didn't. Because somehow, I knew all their answer would be "okay"

The trip was an half an hour drive and well it felt like hours. There was a cold silent in the car, a silent I didn't dare to break. It was one of the strangest drive, ever.

"Sure is nice to be stateside." My Uncle said and nothing more.

There still wasn't anything being said once we get home. I got stuff ready so my Aunt/Uncle can settle in. While Mom and Aunt cooked, my Uncle and I sat there and flip through the channels of the TV. Even through dinner, there was a strange silence.

I was told to do my homework that the adults will take over what's needed to be done. I didn't argue, though I had no mind to do my homework or write my college essays. I had no intend of doing any homework anytime soon but I didn't argue. Went into my room and sat at my desk, staring at my homework and wondering a lot about life and beyond.

I heard my Uncle said that he's going out for a smoke. And out of nowhere, I heard a cry. My Uncle's a Marine, he's a typical jarhead, tough, rough, and no emotion, ever. And there I was, sitting in my room, hearing my Uncle cry right outside my window.

I know he'll never admit this incident, I know I may never physically see him crying anywhere, but I know, we're all hurting.

Sean, buddy, see, your parents are home. They miss you and I'm sure they are proud of you. We all are.

Sean's always been a fan of my grandparents ranch down in Texas. After much discussion, Sean's parents have decided to cremate Sean's body then spread his ashes at the ranch. Sean's a huge fan of horses and love to be around 'em. I think it's this a good decision and fully support Sean's parents for it.

The memorial service will be tomorrow and it will be small and private. Since on such short notice, Sean's parents understand if there are family members that can not make it to the service. After the cremation ceremony, Sean's parents will be flying out to my grandparents' ranch to spread the ashes. They encourage everyone to be thinking of their love ones not only tomorrow but every single day, to know that life is precious and family is precious.

For family members and friends who like to support. Sean's parents wish for all to support their local children hospitals or St. Jude's in their fight to beat childhood cancer.

After all, all children should live carefree.

Side note:
We're all thankful for the support that our friends have given us. Thank you all for continuing to offer to help, your kind words, and more. Since Sean's parents leave only last a few days, please do not contact 'em in any way. We all just wish to put Sean in his resting place and slowly, move on with our lives. All inquires please contact me, my information can be found on the right side of the blog. Thank you all very much, we can't thank you all enough.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

“No crying Cousin Matty, crying’s for babies!”

God I miss the kid.

He's fucking 5.
5 for Heaven's Sake.

Nothing make sense anymore.

I miss you bud, say hi to God for me. I guess right now you got the best seat in the world to look at football games, right. All the games you can watch and all the popcorn you can have. Go Navy, right?

I love you kiddo.

"No crying Cousin Matty, crying's for babies!"

You're right kiddo, I'm a big baby
God I miss you.

Cal- Bye Week
USC- Bye Week

Army v Vanderbilt, 16-13 (OT)
UCLA v. Oregon- 24-10
Texas A&M v Oklahoma State 36-31
Alabama vs Ole Miss, 22-3
Ohio St v Wisconsin, 31-13
Oklahoma v Baylor, 33-7
Navy at Rice, 63-14

Maryland at Wake Forest, 42-32

UMiami v Florida A&M, 48-16
Texas Tech v Kansas State, 66-14
Stanford at Oregon State, 38-28
Virginia Military Institute at Coastal Carolina, 20-6

Texas v Colorado, 38-14

Air Force v TCU, 20-17

Florida v LSU, 13-3
Michigan at Iowa, 30-28

Washington v Arizona, 36-33

Winning teams are in bold

Friday, October 9, 2009

We'll Miss You and We Already Are

I once asked Sean if he can have one wish, just one, what would he wish for. He sat on my lap laughing and picking out all sorts of things from being a superhero to being just like his Dad, a Marine. From meeting a Transformer to being "all grown up" and as I told him he could only have one. He giggled and told me. "Three!" and I smile and told him, "Ok three" We had just finished watching Aladdin, and I'm sure that's where he got the three from

I said a wish. Sean says Three.

I wonder if Sean knew it all along. I wonder if he wanted to fight long enough to see his parents again. I wonder about a lot of things right now...

It's been a long journey, for all of us. And I think Sean knows it more than any of us do. I think he already knew when things started to go downhill. It's still a dream to me. Nothing seems normal at this point.

The new spot on brain, cancer cells is CSF, small lesion turns into tumor, then more tumors, seizures. Make-a-wish (or rather, three), more seizures, stats are dropping, need oxygen, catheter, morphine, Ativan, phenobarbital, Codeine, Zofran, Visteril, Morphine, more morphine. Nothing seems normal anymore.

The scared look on his face made all of us scared. He's just skin and bones, fighting for his last breath, mumbled "Mama" and "Daddy"

He fought till he couldn't no more.

I never thought I would hear those words about my 5 year old cousin. He's 5, for fucking sakes, 5. But after this morning, the words will forever be in my heart and mind. He's gone. Sean fought until the last painful breath. I'm not going to lie and tell everyone how peaceful he was. Because it was NOTHING peaceful about it. Sean was like a fish out of the water, trying so hard to breathe, but nothing.

When he started having a hard time breathing I went to get Mom. I sat on the side of the bed as Mom climbed in, we started talking to him. We told him that everything will be okay and that soon, very soon, his Mom and Dad will be home. We told him how proud we were of him and how much proud both of his parents are. I told him to say Hi to God and Jesus for me. I told him that there are a lot of brave soldier and marines waiting for him. That he will be safe and okay. Mom told him he wouldn't hurt anymore. I told him good night, I told him I loved him and Mom did the same.

We took off his shirt so we could touch him (Mom said that he could feel us and we needed to feel him...) Mom put her hand on his chest. Told me she could feel his heart beat. Then it slowed down. We weren't there to hear his first heartbeat but we felt his last one.

He fought as long as he could, he fought hard in hopes to see his parents again. He fought till he couldn't no more.

I miss the little guy. My bond with Sean is indescribable. I mean, I know we're not supposed to pick favorites but out of all the cousins in the family, I got to say I like Sean the most. There's just something about him, I don't know, something special about him. We're roughly 13 years apart and really, you'd think we'd be farther apart. But he was like my own little brother. At two years old, he of all people climbed onto my hospital bed (after I got hurt), smiled and hid his face right in my arms. He taught me with smile and laughter, there's nothing you can't conquer. That smile, that joy is something I can never and will never forget.

His body lay peacefully in the bed and we know he's already in Heaven, enjoying the Sun, the clouds, and many years of no pain and worries. As Grandpa (and many others) have told me before, "It's never goodbye, it's see you later."

See you later buddy, don't forget us.
Run, play, have no worries.
We'll miss you, and we already are.

Thank you to everyone who's been there for me and my family. Thank you for the emails and the Tweets (not to mention DMs) asking how Mom and I are doing. We are, well, as well as we can be at this point. We are both sad that Sean's gone but know he is no longer in pain. And with the end of this precious life, we know soon that our family will be joined by another. Maybe this is God's plan all along, or at least I think it is.

A lot of things (as far as funerals and flowers go) are, of course, still up to my Aunt and Uncle. We manage to get a word out to my Aunt and Uncle and well, at this point, we're not sure when either of 'em will be back in the states or how long their leave will be. Either way, we're here too help 'em with any thing they need.

For those who would like to help, I think Mom and I couldn't agree more the best way is to help others who are currently fighting this disease. Hospitals and organizations like St. Jude's Children Research Hospital, Cure Childhood Cancer, and Cure Search really help with the cause of finding a cure. This is a horrible disease and monster, one that no kid like Sean should ever need to fight.

I truly hope that one day, kids like Sean can grow up thinking about their favorite cartoon rather than how many more rounds of Chemotherapy they need to go through just to survive.

To all the brave little warriors out there, I salute you.
To all the families, I salute you.
To Sean, you'll always be my favorite. But don't tell anyone, they'll be jealous.

Rest well and play well buddy, you deserve it.