Kingsley, Happiness, and Heartaches

I wrote this after visiting my friend Kingsley at the hospital. He’s currently fighting a cancer so rare; they don’t even have a name for it.

I don’t know how I would feel coming back to this place. Last time I was here, I saw my 5 year old cousin fought a war against brain cancer. Last time I was here, I saw him took his final breath as he proudly lay down his arms in this war. I didn’t know if it was the best for me or for Kingsley that I dropped by unannounced. I heard the news and had no other intentions but to pay him a visit and wish him well.

As I pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, memories flashed in my mind. I tried my best to block both the horrible and fund memories out of my head but it was useless. I saw myself and Cousin Sean going in this hospital and only I came out. I saw the tears in my family’s eyes as Sean fought his last few breaths here on Earth. It was that part of my life I just did not want to re-live.

I said a quick prayer before heading into the hospital. I was immediately greeted by a Drum Major. Then, realizing that was close to Halloween, I smiled at the Drum Major (one of the hospital staff that was sitting at the welcome desk) and went to grab a visitor’s badge. I truly didn’t know what to expect coming back here. Before heading to Kingsley’s room, I stopped by the bathroom and splashed my face with some cold water.

Everything felt surreal. I had no plans on coming back here any time soon and yet; here I am, visiting a dear friend.

I made my way up to the 7th floor and made my way to his room. I had no plans coming back here any time soon and here I am, rolling down the same hallway I did just a short year ago. Upon entering the room, I heard a weak, yet familiar voice.

“Hey dude, you made it.” Kingsley said to me.

I forced a smile and replied, “Hey.”

I didn’t know what to expect or how I’d feel. Last time I was here, my cousin was fighting a war against cancer. Last time I saw someone with cancer was Mom, her lifeless body sleeping peacefully in her old room. I couldn’t imagine Kingsley as sick as he was. In my mind, he was still the person filled with excitement and always out looking for something to do. Instead, what I saw, was a man swelled up from the chemotherapy and weak as a twig. There was an awkwardness between us and I think there was a big elephant in the room that neither of us wanted to talk about. Even though it was staring right into our eyes.

Kingsley and I caught each other up with both of our busy lives. I told him about what’s been going on and he did the same. As we talked, there was less awkwardness in between us, though we both did not wan to bring up just how cancer changed so many things in both of our lives.

Then Kingsley spoke, “Well…ya you know…” and with as much energy as he can, talked his hearts out. I have never known Kingsley for someone who will talk about his feelings or what he’s going through, but there he was, talking about the diagnosis, breaking the news to his parents and girlfriend, the treatment, and just how sick he feels on a day to day basis. I didn’t say anything but sat there and listened. Kingsley’s voice was sore as it can be and seem to give all his energy telling me just what’s going on.

I didn’t say much, just listened. It’s amazing what you can see and hear when you stop and listen.

Then Kingsley caught me off guard.

“Let’s play some Call of Duty, dude. Some friends lend me a PS3.”

We spend next couple hours playing Call of Duty. There weren’t many words as we geared up and the good old PS3. Despise the chemo and how weak he was, Kingsley pretty much kicked my ass. And like the Kingsley I know, threw some friendly competition words around.

I’m sitting here now, right by Kingsley’s bed as he just passed out cold from all the meds they’ve been given him. I still don’t how I should feel or the things I must do to keep Kingsley’s spirit in check. I’m just here as a friend and it is in the deepest part of my heart that I hope Kingsley can pull through this one. Kingsley’s a good friend and truly, I hope the best for him.

Kingsley’s up now…kind of surprised that I’m still here and asked if I’d like to have bucket duty.
Here we go.

I’ve visited Kingsley several times since the initial visit. He seems weak as ever and that somehow scares me more than usual. Seeing him struggling to pull up his own covers reminds me of how bad Mom got when she was sick. It reminded me a lot of things…and I am confronting them before I actually want to. But I’m here for a good friend; I’m here when no one else would even care. Just fighting through this together I guess.

Yesterday, I watched as they put a feeding tube in him. As the tube passed through the gastro reflex, the unspeakable came rushing out of his mouth, again, reminded me of Mom. Truly hope Kingsley will get the nutrition he needs ASAP. I plan to visit as often as I can. I know what support can do when someone is truly sick. There are just no words I can use to describe what's going on, simply because there is just too much going on.

On another note, Sarah’s first birthday is in two days. Both of my grandparents are coming to celebrate this milestone. It’s rather scary how fast time passed by and Sarah’s already one. I got her several gifts I know she’d like but at the same time, I wish I can give her one thing that I just can’t.

I’m dreading the day she opens her mouth and stare at me with those wondering eyes and ask, “Matty…where’s Mama? How come she’s not here? Does she not love me?”

I’m dreading it now, because I know that’s what she’s wondering about daily right now. She just don’t know how to put it in words.

And when she does ask, I wouldn’t know how to put it in words either.

I wrote this last night and slowly realize I haven't been happy in a long time. I laugh, sure. I smile, sure. But I haven't been happy in a long time. And as much as I'd like to fix that, I don't know how.

Relaxing on my parents' bed. Last time I was here, I was 5, snuggling with Mom while she told me jokes. We laughed and stayed in bed forever.

Now I sit here thinking of all the memories we made throughout the years.

Every time I see the sunrise, I remember sharing our ritual together. And I think of you.
Every time I hear our favorite song, I remember sharing a dance or singing a chorus together. And I think of you.
Every time I smell the items you once hold dear, I remember sharing stories and making memories. And I think of you.
Every time I touch your picture, I remember giving you a hug while you latch onto me forever. And I think of you.

My heart aches like no other tonight.
I'm just a little boy, asking for his Mama.

I miss you Mama.
Come visit soon.
http://www.twitlonger.com/show/6pjmsa

Outta There!

I woke up this morning thinking of someone I miss dearly. I remember when Sean first asked me "when can we leave?" and that look on his face was just priceless. So upon packing up some of my things and leaving the hospital, I couldn't help but think of that little guy. And likewise for the rest of the day, I just couldn't stop thinking of that little man.

After Mom picked me up and dropped me off back at the house, I didn't stay long before I went off to run errands. The house felt different, my room, the car, and even Dosh felt different (even though she was extremely glad to see me) but then, they also did when I got out of rehab. You wouldn't believe how much things you missed while you're in the hospital and when you get discharged, you tend to lose track or time, date, and so much more. It's as if you're in a coma or something, you just can't seem to keep up.

I liked the weather though, getting the nice cold weather I'm hoping for and of course, snow. Ain't this weather just great? Can't wait till I catch some fresh powder and grab some big air.

I didn't realize how much errands I had to do. I was out the entire day and didn't get home till late at night. Don't think I realized just how much more baby stuff we need. (Though I did find a nice cool site with everything you'll need, called Diapers.com They got everything, literally, good place. Just might have to start ordering from there from now on) Mom is still thinking up a name while telling me what to pick up for the baby and what she'll need in a bag all ready to go just in case the baby decides to pop out of her early. (That bag now sits in my backseat, everything Mom ever need it for her hospital stay)

And while the day is busy and the hours are short, I still couldn't help but think of Sean. It's one of those days when everything I do reminds me of him. Every one and every thing I hear reminds me of the little man. And yes, I wish he's still here, running errands with me, or even just sit in the car and laugh our butts off at nothing.

I can't get myself to look at a picture of Sean. I can't get myself to listen to songs that reminds me of him. I can't even get myself to order Sean's favorite food. I miss the little guy, a lot more than usual today and while talking to my aunt (who is now back overseas to finish up her tour), I found out that we were both thinking about Sean today and as she cried over Skype, I couldn't get myself to. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing but I can't cry, but my heart sure aches like no tomorrow. I miss the man, our jokes, our laughs, and our serious time.

I talked to my aunt for a few after that on Skype. We talked about how thing are going around the house and she said she's excited for Mom to have the baby too. I don't think any of us is looking to replace Sean, but a new addition to our life would also be nice.

Here's something my aunt wrote, she gave me permission to share it with everyone and in hopes that Sean will read it like he did before.

We miss you buddy, very much.

Hey Lil Man,

It's 0200 and I can't sleep. With PT in just a few hours, I am trying not to hear my thoughts, but that didn't work. I miss you so much, your way of touching my face, your sweet kisses, the face you made when your nose tickled and the way you said "Mama, not my nose!!" I remember how I had told you one day that every time your nose tickled it was because I wanted to kiss it...you would even get mad at me when it just wouldn't stop annoying you. I miss your dino kisses. I miss your voice when you said my name, when you said "Mama, I just like you more better" I miss your dimples, no one can smile like you do. I miss your attitude, I miss hearing you say that you are the boss of stuff...

I am sorry for so much baby. I am sorry you had to got through it all and alone without me or your Daddy there. I am sorry I didn't let you go to school, I am sorry you didn't get to see the ocean and the ranch one more time. I am sorry you didn't get to see me or your Daddy one more time. I am sorry I couldn't hold you when you were hurting. I am sorry we couldn't make you better. I am sorry finger phones don't work in Heaven...

I look around this place sometimes, I just stand there and see everything that reminds me of you. HUMVEEs, pictures...I want to hug you...I can't hug memories.

I need you to help me out lil man. I need strength so I can be a good soldier. I know I am not doing the best job right now...I need you to remind me to smile, over and over again...I need you to tell me it will be okay because today more than ever since you died, I just want to hold you tight and never let go... I just can't do it without you ...

I love you
Your Mama, forever and ever...

Transition to LifeTransition to Life

Been here for 15 days and in ways, I'm not ready to go home (ya I know I've wanted to get out of here since I got here but...) I think rehab did a toll on me.

I think after I got hurt, rehab was the biggest thing in my life. In some ways you're like a baby again, sometimes there's excitement in re-learning things like sitting up, use the chair, eat, hold a spoon, and even go to the bathroom but really most of the time you feel childish for doing all these things.

And slowly you shut yourself down, not towards others, but yourself.

There's a lot of things you can learn in rehab from your OT or PT, there's a lot things you pick up yourself or learn it from the advice of other people in rehab.

But no matter how much you learn in rehab, there's something they won't ever teach you.

How to make the transition better, easier, and less awkward for you, your friends and your family. Ya there might be little things you learn or didn't learn in rehab but the transition, the awkwardness, the fear, nightmare, and how to deal with it all and more is something you'll never learn in rehab.

So likewise, towards the end of your rehab stay, you tend to not want to go home. It's not world that scares you but the transition, the nightmares and awkwardness that tends to scare you the most.

I guess staying at the hospital for this long is reminding me of that fear and though I'll eventually get over it, it's another fear I don't wish to add on my list. I guess in ways the human body always fear for something and well that is just one of my many fears.

I talked to the doctor today, he sees no more reason for keeping me here and said I can leave tomorrow if I wish. Well..now that I have the permission to leave, I don't want to. There are things I fear and wish to avoid at this point of my life, yet, there's no way of me hiding from it. Even if it means I fall off the ends of the world.

Like I said before, I am very much FUBAR and I don't know how to fix it....in ways I don't think I can or ever will.

Thus is life I guess.

In other news, Mom's been going to the clinic every couple days now (for check ups and what not...) According to the doctor, the baby is arriving soon (he said probably around 3rd or 4th? Mom wish it was now, she's had enough of this baby in her) Of which I guess it kind of gives me the "need" to get home ASAP so I can get everything in order and do what I need to do to prep for this baby to come.

Dad isn't home yet and well I'm still not sure what Mom wants to do for name. She still got the name "Sarah" in mind. As for the middle name, I guess it's my job or something. (My friend Brooke and I came up with these: Nicole, Audrey, Ashlynn, and Baylee, so I don't know maybe Mom will ok these. More suggestions would be good)

I often wonder if life can be normal for me, but then I remembered being a cripple, a brat, and a human mean there is no normality.

But sure is crazy though. I'm going to do my best to live out these last few days on my own. Soon, there will be a little one I drag around or sitting on my lap. I personally can't wait, though I can do without the crying and poop and so on. Mom and I came to the agreement that I can do everything except the diaper change- because of my grip thing and well, the changing station is too high for me. So until Dad gets home, I'll be pulling most of the night shifts and feeding and what not. Really hope I don't mess up.

That strange feeling is still there. Kind of more nervous feeling than others. Really hoping I'll be a good brother. Really hoping that I won't drop the kid, or have any kind of influence on her that will mess her up later. A lot of people say it's normal and we'll see I guess. Really hope when we're in our 30s and 40s, we'll look back and know everything was good.

Heads Up

I think being here for 2 weeks, I've notice something about the hospital on post and how different it can be to a civilian hospital. (Now I'm comparing this to the experience I had with civies hospitals, I know there are good ones out there, but this is just what I'm base on at the hospital and rehab after I got hurt)

Evans U.S. Army Hospital, 1997

1. Nurses/docs here care (or what seem like it) more than civies doc. They take time to talk to you. Not those awkward conversations and small talks but really talk to you.In other words, they can truly relation to everyone there in one way or another. They know what it's like to deploy, have family deploy, and so on.

2. Though the hospital building seem small and old, within the building is just amazing. Ya it's probably not the best technology out there but really, the Army hook you up with some cool rooms and well not to mention they got decent food out there. Food that I can actually see what it is.

3. Though naggy, the nurses are still pretty cool. Most of them , are fairly young and well enough to ask you about shows like House rather than some shows that's been off air for ages.

4. Some docs and nurses ain't afraid to joke around. They ain't scared to scare you just as a joke or for a nice laugh. Really, it's hilariously what they'll say to you just to either make you feel that much better or make your day better.

5. Unlike the hospital I stay at when I got hurt, these guys actually act like they love this job and that us, the patients, aren't just a chore that needs to be done.

Those are just for now, we'll see how long I stay here to find their flows (nagging, bothering, of course, the norm is given)

East Entrance of Evans U.S. Army Hospital, 2001

So, given the free time I got laying around, I get most of things done. Things as in homework and what not. Tests are mostly excused, bring home, or just done when I get back to school. As far as college goes, the list remains (Florida, Ohio State, Kentucky, Texas A&M, Maryland, Oklahoma, UMiami) and well lately I've been thinking a lot about my top 3 schools and as much as Florida/Miami sounds amazing, I think those two will be my last choices. (Took me long time to finally make up my mind about that because of how bad I want to play rugby for The Rattlers So I think the decision is now

1. Oklahoma
2. Oho State
3. Texas A&M/Kentucky
4. Maryland
5. Florida
6. UMiami

What I'm going to do also is look at places with cooler temperature (up north and maybe even in CO) and if that means I have to go with any of my back up majors, so be it. Really hoping I can stick with this major though.

For those who are wondering here are my planned majors in order:
Plan A: Kinesiology
Plan B: Criminology and History (Double Major or Majoring/Minoring)
Plan C: Sports Management/Medicine
Plan D: Economics and Finance (Double Major or Majoring/Minoring)
Plan E: Aerospace/Electrical/Mechanical Engineering (Just one Engineering, in that order of choice)

So all that should keep me busy for awhile, between that and school and so on.

For my online friends (TS people, Twitter, and others that I talk to online) this is a heads up that I'm going to be pretty busy with school, college stuff and of course, Mom's going to give birth soon to my little sister. So really, I'll still be online but just not as much. I'll try to update either my Twitter and/or blog as often as I can. So If I don't get online or you don't seem me around Twitter/TS/Blog or even online, don't worry, I'm good, I'm just busy.

If there is really something going on, you guys would eventually know. Whether it's good or bad. So really, please don't worry about me. I'll be fine, really :)

ERs really need some fixin'

So...bad day.

Good to start off, good weather, good breakfast, great day till I found out my catheter is blocked for some reason. Fuck.

So I called up Mom and have her excuse me and I drove to the ER hoping to get help with this situation, I need to, or else it just might be death or worse...AD. (Autonomic Dysreflexia)

After getting to the ER, like usual, it was packed. Ok ya no problem, I went up to the nurse and told her my situation and she stared at me and said, "We'll fix you up in no time."

Usually with situations like this, I usually get first dips before the guy complaining of a small cut on his hand or say...chopped off finger. Don't worry, I didn't see anyone like that today, just a couple old people and some kids and this one dude that got banged up during a car accident, nothing big, really. So after looking around, good thing, I can go back to school before I miss anything too major. Can't believe I was thinking that because I never made it back to school. Spend more than half the day waiting at the ER.

I can't wait half a day, that would really kill me or like I said, worse. Look up Autonomic Dysreflexia, you'll know how serious it is that I get this situation taken care of. I was at this point, freaking out. I was starting to have headaches, I was sweating (you're probably thinking "big deal" I sweat. Look up spinal injury and sweating, you'll know ABs-able bodied- and people like me don't sweat the same) and great...my legs are starting to feel cold.

Scared, yes I was. I didn't even want to think about the what-ifs when they're not going to fix me up. So I asked to be seen and still same answer, "We'll see you soon."

Right...

When I opened my eyes again, I was laying in bed with this nice IV in my arm. A nurse told me they fixed the situation and if I want to go home I could. I asked what happened, they said I passed out then they gave me some Hydralazine, some Clonidine and other meds and I'm good to go if I wanted to.

Yes, I want to. And it was already 1600. Crap, school's over. I called up Mom and told her I'm fine and was on my way home. Extremely bad and eventful day. I got some Prazosin and Clonidine as a goodbye "gift" from the ER.

So...what I got out of today?
ERs no longer stand for Emergency. More like "Er, I'm still waiting."

When are they going to change that?
Just glad I'm home and for once, happy that I'm studying for the AP test coming up soon.