Monday, October 26, 2009

Rehab is like Boot Camp

Again, I am stuck here...because to the doctors, 99 is a temp and well, at least for me thinking it ain't he disagree with me leaving, I'm about to storm out of here just to flip 'em off or something...

The weather is getting nice out, slowly I can see the winter slowly rowing in out here and for once, I don't mind waiting in line at the Commissary or the OX, hey even the ATM on pay day. Just want out of here. Staying in the hospital for this long (I think around 12 days?) it reminded me of 3 years ago. The hours is bed wondering if I'll live or not. The days of wondering what happened to me, why couldn't I move my arms, legs, and more. The diagnoses still scares me. The words that came out of the doctor's mouth still haunts me daily. Strange how things in the past can still mess with you daily.

I still remember when the doctor's told me how lucky I am to be alive, how good rehab is these days. I didn't believe 'em one bit. Some I still don't but, oh well I guess.

Anyways, staying here for this long reminds me of that hospital stay and now, for some strange reason, it's making me think of rehab. Rehab in ways are just like boot camp. You get a place to sleep, food and well, the rest is just shit. If you get a good OT and PT, they'll challenge you but if you don't they'll make you feel like dirt. And come to think of it, you'd be feeling like shit anyways. Overall, everyone's first week feels like dirt. You are so dependent on everyone, it's as if you're a baby. You can't get out of bed on your own, you can't eat, drink, or even piss on your own. You'll feel degraded as if you're literally nothing. That's exactly what rehab is like. Then as time moves on you'll find ways to do things that don't make sense. You get pissed at yourself when you can't get up from bed, when you can't hold a fork or get dressed.

Rehab is like hell and just like boot camp. I don't like it one bit when I was there and now, with this hind sight, I still don't like it but I'm glad of what I learned (or re-learned?) during that time. But really though, staying here in the hospital for so long reminds me of my past. Reminds of me the days I spend in ICU, in rehab and the transition back into the real world.

And truth be told, it scares me. Nightmares wake me up and keep me awake. The thought of nightmares make me want to stay up for days or at least long enough so I pass out. So maybe, just maybe I wouldn't have nightmares.

After reading my last blog, a friend told that I ain't FUBAR. Again, thank you but I am. I know I am. So many things in life that happened that I don't wish to share, yet. Those things define who I am, who I've become , and most likely who I'll be in the future. I'm a person with many secrets and I am in no way transparent to others. That's just how I am.

And after staring at my chair for the entire night, I'm angry at her, pissed off and so much more.
Like I said before, it's a love&hate relationship between my chair and I. Right now, it's all hate.

Sorry girl, I hate you right now. I wish I never met you.


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