Sunday, October 31, 2010

Week of October 31st, 2010

Real quick...

Hope that everyone is having a good weekend and wish you guys a happy and safe Halloween! Remember to Trick-Or-Treat safely!

Not sure about you guys but personally can't believe tomorrow will be November. Is it just me or 2010 is going by really fast?!

This week's Weekly's one of those songs that I wondered how I have live this long without discovering it. Truly is good music, have a listen..

Dean Brody- Brothers

Saturday, October 30, 2010

If You Know the Address to Heaven...

“…those who are dead are not dead. They just live in my head…”

I think ever since I heard that song by Coldplay, those two lines are forever embedded in my head. Because when I have the days when I miss Mom, miss my family and friends, I think of this line:

“They just live in my head…”

I swear that makes me sound like I’m psycho. Don’t it?

Some nights ago, as I was trying to retrieve one of my textbook from my book case, my copy of Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell fell to the ground and with it, a letter, addressing to me.

It was another one of Mom’s letters, hidden and waiting for me to discover it.


I know at times you hurt and I hurt with you. I know your heart aches when you can no longer hear my voice. I know your heart aches more when your friends are with their Moms. And how I wish I can be there for you, for your Dad, and for Sarah. But I now sit with God and watch over you, sweetheart. No matter where you are in the world, I am always with you.

Remember when you were five, when I had to go on business trips, you would always want to know if you could come along? Your curiosity always tends to wonder what I will be doing and whether or not there will be presents for you when I come back. On top of all that, you always wanted to write to me, said that your words will make me come back quicker.

What a bundle of joy, innocent, and curiosity you were, honey. Your never ending strive to do your best made you stand out from your classmates and friends. Your never ending friendship and love for those around you made you an instant friend to all. On top of that, your words are truly wise beyond your age, honey. I read all your blogs and was in tears of just how proud I am of your work and of you. (And I’m not just saying that because I’m your Mama!) I always looked forward to reading your words and your work. How I wish I can do that today. But don’t worry, even when I am not near, I am always reading your blogs and your writings. Just remember what I said, honey, that words and freedom of speech are one of the most important freedom that a person can have in this country. Many people died fighting for that freedom and one of the things you can do to honor them is to continue writing and practice your freedom of speech.

I am never far from you, Sarah, or your Dad. Remember, sweetheart, no matter where you go in the world, I will be right there with you. Keep writing, even when your heart is not in the right place, write, because I am always looking forward to reading your words.

Keep writing, sweetheart. I look forward reading your work.
A few letters won’t hurt either, honey. If it’s from you, I’ll love it
Your Mama

Though reading letters like this makes me sad and miss Mom like never before but at the same time it makes me proud to call her my Mama. The letter got me thinking about writing her letters. So that afternoon, I stopped by a coffee shop and wrote her some letters.

There was only one problem…

I had no clue where to address the letters or how.
What’s the address to Heaven?

Then I thought maybe I should start another blog and I can put the letters on that blog…
I don’t know…I can hardly keep track of the two blogs I currently have, how am I going to maintain one more?
I don’t know…we’ll see.

If you know the address to Heaven, please let me know.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Frustrated. Angry. Pissed Off.

I have never been so frustrated with myself.

This has yet to be one of those difficult Sundays. Had a lot of things to take care of/do but my body just didn't want to listen. Started the morning with some major spasms then continued with low blood pressure. Then seemed like everyone want to be in this "party" as I keep getting signs of Dysreflexia and had no $%^&ing clue why.

My body was literally breaking down in front of me and I had no $%^&ing clue what was wrong. I couldn't see straight on top of the few unmentionables.

I tried getting the best of it by doing things around the house. Which turn out to be disastrous. I got real angry and real fast. I felt like I just got home from rehab. I was pissed at everything, I was yelling and swearing up and down. I couldn't control my anger nor did I wanted to.

I threw and broke things (clean up was a b$%^&) that was at my reach, I swore worse than a sailor (no offense those of you from the Navy community) and I was yelling at everything around/everyone me, including Sarah.

I think I scared her today. She's never seen me so angry.
I scared myself, I was going back to the person I don't want to be.
Maybe SCI does that to you, I don't know.

I'm sorry Sarah, for yelling.
Here comes the spasms. Where's the duct tape, I probably need to tape my mouth shut.

Week of October 24th, 2010

There are reasons why I faded away from using after I discovered

There always tends to be a few times when you are listening to a certain station (say country) and they give you something completely random and not related (like metal). Usually I have a huge on my face and that tends to get me to leave Pandora.

But last night, Pandora introduced me to Lynyrd Skynyrd. According to Wikipedia, Lynyrd Skynyrd is "an American rock band, formed in Jacksonville, Florida in 1964. The band became prominent in the Southern United States in 1973, and rose to worldwide recognition."

Edit: I should said that I HAVE heard of Skynyrd and songs like Sweet Home Alabama Guess it's cuz I posted this early in the morning and threw out my enter music library out my brain...what I meant was I haven't heard THIS song before!

I'm not a huge fan of Rock music but hey, this song ain't too bad.
Have a listen.
Lynyrd Skynyrd- Gimme Three Steps

Friday, October 22, 2010

Cancer "Awareness"

This Monday, as soon as I got on campus, my attention got geared towards the sign they have around the trees. Turns out, this week is Breast Cancer Awareness/Memorial Week on campus. I read through the sign and sighed before going my way.

Even before class, I felt this anger, this strange pulse of frustration in me. I had to rant and out comes this message that I posted through Twitlonger.

This is a rant from the son of a cancer victim and I truly hope that people like @chemo_babe can understand my frustration. I am sorry if this rant frustrates or even anger you guys who are reading out there but someone have to say it.

This week is Breast Cancer Awareness/Memorial Week on campus. Though I am proud of all the awareness throughout the world for Breast Cancer, I am filled with sorrow and pain. If only ALL the cancer get this much awareness and "publicity" in the world. Then maybe, maybe, we can be THIS close to finding a cure to cancer. Not just Breast Cancer but CANCER.

Awareness is a powerful thing. But amongst the awareness I only see segregation. The "more men/women have this cancer so we must fund more research for this cancer" debate. The "no one ever heard of this cancer before so $*%^ having awareness" implications fill the air. Through the awareness, I see nothing but the ideas of separated but equal. As you all probably know, that does not go well whether it's regarding to race or cancer.

As the son of a victim of cancer, I feel massive pain. Beneath the awareness around the world, I see different organization trying to get more funds by pushing what cancer they wish to "cure". They have no care of other cancers around them and it's as if that cancer is the only one in the entire world. Again, separate but equal.

I understand that no one cancer react the same way to another. And like the flu, cancer affect everyone differently. But really, I am sure many can tell that there are more cancers than what is known to the mass population. How come people only hear about the few cancers? Awareness, "publicity". Separate but equal?

As I go around campus this week, I will truly be proud of the world for such awareness for Breast Cancer. But it is also in the deepest part of my heart that I hope one day, no one cancer gets more "publicity" than another. Brain Cancer, Ovarian Cancer, Pancreatic Cancer, Childhood Cancer and Colon Cancer all stand alike. We stand to find a cure. A cure to ALL cancers. Together and equal.

They say #beatcancer and not #beatbreastcancer or #beatpancreaticcancer

It's #beatcancer

Together, equal, we shall find a cure. #beatcancer

Dedicated to all those affected by cancer, any form of cancer.
Special shout out to Mom, we miss your smile and the way you brighten up a room. Some day, Mama, we'll #beatcancer I love you.


That's exactly how I felt. Frustrated.
Awareness have turned into an type of campaign ad. A way for companies to sell their product simply by putting a pink ribbon on something.


I still feel very frustrated. It's something I wish I can change but know it's nearly impossible.

Talking with my Twitter friend @chemo_babe, she informed me that my rant was "really an important rant!" and truly, I'm glad she think so. I'm already getting a bunch of mail from anonymous telling me I did wrong. (Which brings me to another point, if you think I did wrong, at least have the guts to tell me who you are, not hide behind some anonymous mail)

Yesterday, @chemo_babe wrote a post on her blog about What Is Awareness, have a read and think about what you, as a consumer, is actually doing by buying things pink.

Every day this week, I went out to our secret spot, sat in my car and thought about Mom, about cancer, about life, and what's beyond it. I talked to Mom for the longest time, hoping that with the help of God and her, I can find peace in this crazy world.

Hopefully I can...sometimes soon.
Happy Friday, guys, hope you guys got fun things planned for the weekend.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Week of October 17th, 2010

I just heard this song this morning by Craig Morgan. Couldn't stop laughing when I heard the lyrics, guess who it is about?

Yup, you guessed right, Brett Favre.

Have a listen:

Craig Morgan- Still a Little Chicken Left on That Bone

Also, if you have connection with the Rutger's football team, please forward this letter to both Coach Schiano and Eric LeGrand. If you haven't heard, LeGrand broke his neck during the Army game. From what I've heard, broken neck and probably will be like me. Being sick of people saying "I'm so sorry" and all that emo crap after I got hurt, I wrote a letter to both Coach Schiano, Eric, and Eric's family to hope tell 'em what Spinal Cord Injury is really like and to look up at the possibilities and not the disability.

Story here

Dear Coach Schiano,

My name is Matthew Knipe, I am a 19 years old currently living in Colorado with my family. My father is in the Army and I am sure by hearing that, you know who I was cheering for at the game yesterday. I sat in my living room, cheering for a team that I long loved since I was a child and now, I wish to pass on this message to both you and Eric LeGrand. As soon as I saw Eric went down, I knew of the possibilities.

You see, Coach Schiano, I have been in Eric's shoes. I grew up around football and loved the sport. I breathe and lived football and watched games like there is no other. My dream, to play high school and college football. When I was a freshman in high school, I never would have imagine that I would hear the last play of my life. I broke my neck on September 25th, 2006 and like Eric, I broke my neck (though my injury was lower, at C4-6). My parents were told that I would not be able to make it through the night.

Fast forward 4 years, here I am and doing well. I graduated high school and is currently attending college. Though I at times still miss football, getting hurt on the field that day changed my life. I have ever since grow more passion about the sport and cherish my life, every day. Looking back these four years, I have do more things than I ever will have I not gotten hurt. Spinal Cord Injury changed my life, for both good and bad, though majority good.

Please help me forward the letter below to Eric. I have been in his shoes and know what it's like to have life change on a dime. Please pass the word also to the LeGrand family, that though this tunnel ahead of them is tough and bumpy, at the end of the tunnel is more joy than anyone will ever experience.

Every person who sustained Spinal Cord Injury is lucky to be alive. They were given a second chance at life. And that, is something that everyone get on a daily basis.

Thank you, Coach Schiano for reading my letter and thank you also for passing on this message to Eric and his family.
I wish you and the Rutgers team and family well.

Hey Eric,

You don't know me nor do I really know you. But now, you have join the ranks of the elite squad. The group of people who are lucky to be alive and who are extremely lucky to have a second chance at life. Let me welcome you to the elite squad and let you know that you are NOT alone.

My name is Matthew Knipe and I broke my neck 4 years ago on the field just like you did. I know EXACTLY what's going on in your mind and your parents'/family's mind. I know things look crazy right now and that halo immobilizer is probably driving you nuts, but trust me, it'll only get crazier from here.

I am not the one to sugar coat anything but I can tell you, after all this crazier things will get loads more fun and exciting. I can already tell you now that you should get used to the ceiling and once they move you out of that bed, you'll actually miss the ceiling. Rehab will be hell but once you get home and get used to things, it'll be the most exciting time of your life.

I am 4 years pass my injury and though at times missing football, I am extremely glad that I am alive and well. I have been giving a second chance at life and not many people get that chance. Things may look gray right now, but no worries, dude, it'll be alright. Rehab is just the road to something great, look forward to leaving the hospital and out of rehab, because there's an entire new world waiting on you. Trust me, I'm a quadriplegic and I know. Plus, the ladies will like the chair, trust me on that one.

LeGrand family, I understand that this is a difficult time and that not everything make sense right now. All the Spinal Cord Injury acronym that the doctors are sharing is extremely confusing and frustrating to know the future. But please have hope, it is with hope and determination that things will turn out better than before. Spinal Cord Injury have changed my life, many say for the worse but I disagree, it opened up a lot of doors and windows for me that I didn't see/recognize before my injury.

Feel free to contact me at anytime, Eric and the LeGrand family. You guys are part of a family now, a Spinal Cord Injury family and if there is anything I can do or help answer, I'd be glad to do that. My email is:

Good luck with rehab, Eric. It'll be a tough one but nothing like the years you train to get into Rutger. Let me know if you need anything or want advice from someone who went through that same rehab process.

P.S. When you're out of rehab and ready for a challenge, dude. I'll have a race with ya. I got a manual chair but I am sure I can beat you in a race. What you say?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A Step Closer?

Last night, some friends were talking about height, weight, BMI, and about how healthy it is. While a person continue to believe that this person's weight is not healthy at all, the person itself disagrees. She believes that she is just where she'd like and she is ok for having her current weight and BMI.

And at one point during the discussion, she tried to make an argument of what she believed in and said, "It's not like i've got limited mobility."

I responded with:

"oh thanks, *insert person's name here* >.>"

I could not believe her response:


And like that, she laughed it off without thinking twice.
She laughed it off and acted like nothing happened.
Completely horrible choice of words but doesn't seem like she cared.

People really don't think before they speak. Maybe I should forgive her, she is only 15...or maybe I should let her know how horrible she messed up. I don't know yet...

It's the simple words and randomness that people say that gets to me.
What a horrible way to live.

Seemed like someone knew what was going on and shared an article with me. Quite frankly, it made me smile a bit. Reading this article made me wonder if we are a step closer to curing Spinal Cord Injuries. Made me wonder if soon, I can walk again. But at the same time, it kind of made me jealous of those who are able to be part of this study. There's a part of me that wish I had just gotten hurt, that way, maybe I can be part of the research too.

But like I said before, we can't always have what we want.

Whether or not we're a step closer to the cure, I don't know. But I hope so.
I hope so.

Click for bigger image

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Week of October 10th, 2010

There has been a lot of new country singles lately and man, there are just a few that I definitely love and can't wait for the album to be released. And last week's tunes- The Breath You Take by George Strait is one of those singles that I love.

Here's another one, by the famous Billy Currington

Billy Currington- Let Me Down Easy

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Week of October 3rd, 2010

Lately I've heard two new single by two different artist and really enjoy both of 'em. Here is one of 'em, it's a new single by no one other than the King of Country. George Strait!

I think in life, people tend to go years without slowing down and think about the breath they take. George Strait sure got some amazing lyrics going on here. Enjoy the tune.

The Breath You Take by George Strait