Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Naive. Sick. Thinking.

Right now, I can't sleep. I got this horrible fever that I can't break nor can I breathe without this oxygen mask on me. I haven't been feeling well at all, even with the amount of time I spend sleeping these days. Whatever it is I have...horrible and I'm sick of it. This is one of many reason I why I hate being sick. It gives me too much time to sick or lay here just thinking and not doing anything. Which in ways, it's horrible.

I've been thinking a lot about Dad and Sean lately. Dad still isn't back yet and Mom's due soon and geeze I get sick at the worse time, ever.

I remember when Sean was getting treatment, I would sit by his bed (or on his bed) and some times, I would watch him sleep. I'd wonder if the poison that was dripping into his veins would do the trick, wondering if anything was growing in his brain. I remember wondering if my Aunt and Uncle would have to bury Sean, I remember thanking God for Sean and everyone in the family and wonder if all this he's doing is all part of his plan. Sean's always been a smart one. I remember when we had his latest MRI, he was sitting in his room and he told me, "It's back Cousin Matty. In my head, it's back!" and I remember telling him don't be silly and everything will be ok. Now I'm wondering if he knew it all along, he sure is a smart man.

At times, I wonder if I can just take Sean and run away. Hoping that the tumor and sickness won't hurt him anymore. Silly of me I guess. Within just 2 weeks, what was a small tumor the size of a nail turned into a tumors and sizes of a dollar and spreading like a germ and wildfire. It all seem like yesterday. Seems like yesterday he was just sitting in my lap, smiling and joking around. Seems like yesterday he took his last step, held his blankie, ate on his own, talked, and so much more. Really all seem like yesterday...I remember all the emotion that everyone in the family was feeling, that sadness, that pain, and so much more. We're all expected him to go to Heaven soon but that fear just scare the hell out of you. The fear I see when I saw him taking his last breath, his last heartbeat.

I remember reading somewhere that every day, 6 families will see their love ones leaving for Heaven. I remember thinking that can never be us, at least not this early.

I can be really naive sometimes.

I remember saying to myself that 45,000 troops is what Mr. President will go with. I remember yelling at the TV saying 45,000 troops. Then I realize people don't even know what really is going on. People hear about the troops and units being send overseas constantly but people don't really hear or think about those who deploy without us even knowing it. I've been ask before what my Dad does and I just told 'em "He's Army" and move on. I don't think people realize not everything in the Army is out in the open. And even when they hear about the 45,000 troops that will be needed for Afghanistan, they don't know or don't think about the people already there or in other parts of the world. I don't think people know what to ay when you tell 'em that your Dad isn't part of the usual group of Army. They tend to say "cool" and "sweet" and nothing more. Because they don't know what to say. Ya it's cool sometimes but really...it's more than being cool.

Sometimes, it's about staying up late or waking up early with nightmares wondering where Dad is, if he's okay, safe, and when he'll be coming home. The nerve of him being here one day smoking your butt out and the next he can be anywhere else in the word. And it tends to happen when I got nothing to do, when there's less things to worry about or more time to wonder about things like that.

I'm sick really sick and not sure when I'll get better. Soon I hope, really, so I don't have to have time to think about the stupid things. So I can have more time taking care of Mom and the new baby, so I'm not laying in the hospital bed wondering and thinking about the unthinkable.

God I can use a drink right now or at least a smoke.


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