Saturday, October 31, 2009


First, I hope everyone had a happy and safe Halloween. :D

In my family, we ain't really big on candy. When I was younger, we would go out Trick or Treatin' but after I think I got to 5th grade, that just stopped. Since I'm not huge on candy, I guess I don't really have a huge lost in it.

I think as I grow older, the idea of getting candy is just not really huge anymore. Ya I may still dress up and go out to get candy, but really, I think the idea is all about hanging with friends. And though the MPs want to make sure that we older kids don't get in trouble, we still manage to find ways to mess up houses without getting in trouble.

Those were the days, thinking back to my first costume, I was only a kid dressing up in my Dad's BDU, I can't imagine me doing anything else. Just putting it that costume on made me believe I really was a soldier.

Crazy Times

Those were the times ain't it.

As I got older, we made it a family tradition to carve pumpkins. At first we weren't that good, using cut outs and other people's idea to go about our pumpkin carving fun. Then as years go on, we started to expand our designs to more than just the old fashion Jack-o'-lanterns.

Family Favorite

Even when Dad's gone during Halloween, Mom and I manage to get pumpkin carving to our own. I can still remember carving pumpkin at the hospital, Mom sneak in a small pumpkin so she and I could carve it together. (Needless to say I was too knock out from the meds to do anything. But still was fund memory)

This year, I invited some friends over. We sat around deciding on different things to do. A friend carved some Pokémons while another carved out his favorite college football team. I sat there and couldn't decide which one to do.

And it came to me like a whisper in the wind. I ended up decided on doing an Autobot. With a help of a friend, we managed to carve out a good looking Autobot right on the pumpkin. But with a slip, the top of the Autobot's head fell off.

Find where we went wrong

That did not make me happy at all. There was a reason I picked Autobot because Sean loved Transformers. It was in my mind to do something in his honor and memory. So needless to say I wasn't happy when it first broke.

But as the night went on, I guess it was ok. A lot of the kids that came to our house knew it was a Transformer and glad they loved it. After all, it's for 'em to see.

But as kids continue to knock on our door, every single one of 'em reminds me of Sean. The little costume, the little voice that barely whispers "Happy Halloween." and the smile when they get to pick out their own candy out of the basket. Every single one of 'em reminded me of Sean. Not sure if I should or how I can shake that feeling. I love it when I feel he's right next to me but at the same time, I ache for many different reasons.

Happy Halloween, buddy
I'll save some candy for you, kiddo.

Halloween Football! Winning team is in bold.
Army- Bye Week (Prepping for the game against AF!)
Maryland- Bye Week
Washington- Bye Week
Alabama- Bye Week

Ohio St v New Mexico St, 45-0

Virginia Military Institute v Charleston Southern, 31-21

Navy v Temple, 27-24
Texas A&M v Iowa State, 35-10
Texas Tech v Kansas, 42-21
Florida v Georgia, 41-17 Freaking awesome catch by Cooper!

Great Catch by Cooper!

Cal at Arizona St, 23-21
UMiami at Wake Forest, 28-27 Good win Hurricanes!
Michigan at Illinios, 38-13

Air Force at Colorado St, 34-16
UCLA at Oregon St, 26-19

Oklahoma v Kansas St, 42-30

LSU v Tulane, 42-0
USC at Oregon, 47-20 Really glad USC got their butt kicked. GO DUCKS!

Outta There!

I woke up this morning thinking of someone I miss dearly. I remember when Sean first asked me "when can we leave?" and that look on his face was just priceless. So upon packing up some of my things and leaving the hospital, I couldn't help but think of that little guy. And likewise for the rest of the day, I just couldn't stop thinking of that little man.

After Mom picked me up and dropped me off back at the house, I didn't stay long before I went off to run errands. The house felt different, my room, the car, and even Dosh felt different (even though she was extremely glad to see me) but then, they also did when I got out of rehab. You wouldn't believe how much things you missed while you're in the hospital and when you get discharged, you tend to lose track or time, date, and so much more. It's as if you're in a coma or something, you just can't seem to keep up.

I liked the weather though, getting the nice cold weather I'm hoping for and of course, snow. Ain't this weather just great? Can't wait till I catch some fresh powder and grab some big air.

I didn't realize how much errands I had to do. I was out the entire day and didn't get home till late at night. Don't think I realized just how much more baby stuff we need. (Though I did find a nice cool site with everything you'll need, called They got everything, literally, good place. Just might have to start ordering from there from now on) Mom is still thinking up a name while telling me what to pick up for the baby and what she'll need in a bag all ready to go just in case the baby decides to pop out of her early. (That bag now sits in my backseat, everything Mom ever need it for her hospital stay)

And while the day is busy and the hours are short, I still couldn't help but think of Sean. It's one of those days when everything I do reminds me of him. Every one and every thing I hear reminds me of the little man. And yes, I wish he's still here, running errands with me, or even just sit in the car and laugh our butts off at nothing.

I can't get myself to look at a picture of Sean. I can't get myself to listen to songs that reminds me of him. I can't even get myself to order Sean's favorite food. I miss the little guy, a lot more than usual today and while talking to my aunt (who is now back overseas to finish up her tour), I found out that we were both thinking about Sean today and as she cried over Skype, I couldn't get myself to. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing but I can't cry, but my heart sure aches like no tomorrow. I miss the man, our jokes, our laughs, and our serious time.

I talked to my aunt for a few after that on Skype. We talked about how thing are going around the house and she said she's excited for Mom to have the baby too. I don't think any of us is looking to replace Sean, but a new addition to our life would also be nice.

Here's something my aunt wrote, she gave me permission to share it with everyone and in hopes that Sean will read it like he did before.

We miss you buddy, very much.

Hey Lil Man,

It's 0200 and I can't sleep. With PT in just a few hours, I am trying not to hear my thoughts, but that didn't work. I miss you so much, your way of touching my face, your sweet kisses, the face you made when your nose tickled and the way you said "Mama, not my nose!!" I remember how I had told you one day that every time your nose tickled it was because I wanted to kiss would even get mad at me when it just wouldn't stop annoying you. I miss your dino kisses. I miss your voice when you said my name, when you said "Mama, I just like you more better" I miss your dimples, no one can smile like you do. I miss your attitude, I miss hearing you say that you are the boss of stuff...

I am sorry for so much baby. I am sorry you had to got through it all and alone without me or your Daddy there. I am sorry I didn't let you go to school, I am sorry you didn't get to see the ocean and the ranch one more time. I am sorry you didn't get to see me or your Daddy one more time. I am sorry I couldn't hold you when you were hurting. I am sorry we couldn't make you better. I am sorry finger phones don't work in Heaven...

I look around this place sometimes, I just stand there and see everything that reminds me of you. HUMVEEs, pictures...I want to hug you...I can't hug memories.

I need you to help me out lil man. I need strength so I can be a good soldier. I know I am not doing the best job right now...I need you to remind me to smile, over and over again...I need you to tell me it will be okay because today more than ever since you died, I just want to hold you tight and never let go... I just can't do it without you ...

I love you
Your Mama, forever and ever...

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Transition to LifeTransition to Life

Been here for 15 days and in ways, I'm not ready to go home (ya I know I've wanted to get out of here since I got here but...) I think rehab did a toll on me.

I think after I got hurt, rehab was the biggest thing in my life. In some ways you're like a baby again, sometimes there's excitement in re-learning things like sitting up, use the chair, eat, hold a spoon, and even go to the bathroom but really most of the time you feel childish for doing all these things.

And slowly you shut yourself down, not towards others, but yourself.

There's a lot of things you can learn in rehab from your OT or PT, there's a lot things you pick up yourself or learn it from the advice of other people in rehab.

But no matter how much you learn in rehab, there's something they won't ever teach you.

How to make the transition better, easier, and less awkward for you, your friends and your family. Ya there might be little things you learn or didn't learn in rehab but the transition, the awkwardness, the fear, nightmare, and how to deal with it all and more is something you'll never learn in rehab.

So likewise, towards the end of your rehab stay, you tend to not want to go home. It's not world that scares you but the transition, the nightmares and awkwardness that tends to scare you the most.

I guess staying at the hospital for this long is reminding me of that fear and though I'll eventually get over it, it's another fear I don't wish to add on my list. I guess in ways the human body always fear for something and well that is just one of my many fears.

I talked to the doctor today, he sees no more reason for keeping me here and said I can leave tomorrow if I wish. that I have the permission to leave, I don't want to. There are things I fear and wish to avoid at this point of my life, yet, there's no way of me hiding from it. Even if it means I fall off the ends of the world.

Like I said before, I am very much FUBAR and I don't know how to fix ways I don't think I can or ever will.

Thus is life I guess.

In other news, Mom's been going to the clinic every couple days now (for check ups and what not...) According to the doctor, the baby is arriving soon (he said probably around 3rd or 4th? Mom wish it was now, she's had enough of this baby in her) Of which I guess it kind of gives me the "need" to get home ASAP so I can get everything in order and do what I need to do to prep for this baby to come.

Dad isn't home yet and well I'm still not sure what Mom wants to do for name. She still got the name "Sarah" in mind. As for the middle name, I guess it's my job or something. (My friend Brooke and I came up with these: Nicole, Audrey, Ashlynn, and Baylee, so I don't know maybe Mom will ok these. More suggestions would be good)

I often wonder if life can be normal for me, but then I remembered being a cripple, a brat, and a human mean there is no normality.

But sure is crazy though. I'm going to do my best to live out these last few days on my own. Soon, there will be a little one I drag around or sitting on my lap. I personally can't wait, though I can do without the crying and poop and so on. Mom and I came to the agreement that I can do everything except the diaper change- because of my grip thing and well, the changing station is too high for me. So until Dad gets home, I'll be pulling most of the night shifts and feeding and what not. Really hope I don't mess up.

That strange feeling is still there. Kind of more nervous feeling than others. Really hoping I'll be a good brother. Really hoping that I won't drop the kid, or have any kind of influence on her that will mess her up later. A lot of people say it's normal and we'll see I guess. Really hope when we're in our 30s and 40s, we'll look back and know everything was good.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Heads Up

I think being here for 2 weeks, I've notice something about the hospital on post and how different it can be to a civilian hospital. (Now I'm comparing this to the experience I had with civies hospitals, I know there are good ones out there, but this is just what I'm base on at the hospital and rehab after I got hurt)

Evans U.S. Army Hospital, 1997

1. Nurses/docs here care (or what seem like it) more than civies doc. They take time to talk to you. Not those awkward conversations and small talks but really talk to you.In other words, they can truly relation to everyone there in one way or another. They know what it's like to deploy, have family deploy, and so on.

2. Though the hospital building seem small and old, within the building is just amazing. Ya it's probably not the best technology out there but really, the Army hook you up with some cool rooms and well not to mention they got decent food out there. Food that I can actually see what it is.

3. Though naggy, the nurses are still pretty cool. Most of them , are fairly young and well enough to ask you about shows like House rather than some shows that's been off air for ages.

4. Some docs and nurses ain't afraid to joke around. They ain't scared to scare you just as a joke or for a nice laugh. Really, it's hilariously what they'll say to you just to either make you feel that much better or make your day better.

5. Unlike the hospital I stay at when I got hurt, these guys actually act like they love this job and that us, the patients, aren't just a chore that needs to be done.

Those are just for now, we'll see how long I stay here to find their flows (nagging, bothering, of course, the norm is given)

East Entrance of Evans U.S. Army Hospital, 2001

So, given the free time I got laying around, I get most of things done. Things as in homework and what not. Tests are mostly excused, bring home, or just done when I get back to school. As far as college goes, the list remains (Florida, Ohio State, Kentucky, Texas A&M, Maryland, Oklahoma, UMiami) and well lately I've been thinking a lot about my top 3 schools and as much as Florida/Miami sounds amazing, I think those two will be my last choices. (Took me long time to finally make up my mind about that because of how bad I want to play rugby for The Rattlers So I think the decision is now

1. Oklahoma
2. Oho State
3. Texas A&M/Kentucky
4. Maryland
5. Florida
6. UMiami

What I'm going to do also is look at places with cooler temperature (up north and maybe even in CO) and if that means I have to go with any of my back up majors, so be it. Really hoping I can stick with this major though.

For those who are wondering here are my planned majors in order:
Plan A: Kinesiology
Plan B: Criminology and History (Double Major or Majoring/Minoring)
Plan C: Sports Management/Medicine
Plan D: Economics and Finance (Double Major or Majoring/Minoring)
Plan E: Aerospace/Electrical/Mechanical Engineering (Just one Engineering, in that order of choice)

So all that should keep me busy for awhile, between that and school and so on.

For my online friends (TS people, Twitter, and others that I talk to online) this is a heads up that I'm going to be pretty busy with school, college stuff and of course, Mom's going to give birth soon to my little sister. So really, I'll still be online but just not as much. I'll try to update either my Twitter and/or blog as often as I can. So If I don't get online or you don't seem me around Twitter/TS/Blog or even online, don't worry, I'm good, I'm just busy.

If there is really something going on, you guys would eventually know. Whether it's good or bad. So really, please don't worry about me. I'll be fine, really :)

Rehab is like Boot Camp

Again, I am stuck here...because to the doctors, 99 is a temp and well, at least for me thinking it ain't he disagree with me leaving, I'm about to storm out of here just to flip 'em off or something...

The weather is getting nice out, slowly I can see the winter slowly rowing in out here and for once, I don't mind waiting in line at the Commissary or the OX, hey even the ATM on pay day. Just want out of here. Staying in the hospital for this long (I think around 12 days?) it reminded me of 3 years ago. The hours is bed wondering if I'll live or not. The days of wondering what happened to me, why couldn't I move my arms, legs, and more. The diagnoses still scares me. The words that came out of the doctor's mouth still haunts me daily. Strange how things in the past can still mess with you daily.

I still remember when the doctor's told me how lucky I am to be alive, how good rehab is these days. I didn't believe 'em one bit. Some I still don't but, oh well I guess.

Anyways, staying here for this long reminds me of that hospital stay and now, for some strange reason, it's making me think of rehab. Rehab in ways are just like boot camp. You get a place to sleep, food and well, the rest is just shit. If you get a good OT and PT, they'll challenge you but if you don't they'll make you feel like dirt. And come to think of it, you'd be feeling like shit anyways. Overall, everyone's first week feels like dirt. You are so dependent on everyone, it's as if you're a baby. You can't get out of bed on your own, you can't eat, drink, or even piss on your own. You'll feel degraded as if you're literally nothing. That's exactly what rehab is like. Then as time moves on you'll find ways to do things that don't make sense. You get pissed at yourself when you can't get up from bed, when you can't hold a fork or get dressed.

Rehab is like hell and just like boot camp. I don't like it one bit when I was there and now, with this hind sight, I still don't like it but I'm glad of what I learned (or re-learned?) during that time. But really though, staying here in the hospital for so long reminds me of my past. Reminds of me the days I spend in ICU, in rehab and the transition back into the real world.

And truth be told, it scares me. Nightmares wake me up and keep me awake. The thought of nightmares make me want to stay up for days or at least long enough so I pass out. So maybe, just maybe I wouldn't have nightmares.

After reading my last blog, a friend told that I ain't FUBAR. Again, thank you but I am. I know I am. So many things in life that happened that I don't wish to share, yet. Those things define who I am, who I've become , and most likely who I'll be in the future. I'm a person with many secrets and I am in no way transparent to others. That's just how I am.

And after staring at my chair for the entire night, I'm angry at her, pissed off and so much more.
Like I said before, it's a love&hate relationship between my chair and I. Right now, it's all hate.

Sorry girl, I hate you right now. I wish I never met you.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


Right now, I'm wondering if this is how Sean felt. I'm wondering if this is how people in the hospital feel as the IVs drips and machine beeping and the nurses constantly checking up on you. Do you not know the meaning of a well deserved rest? No wonder people lose pounds when they're in (and if these nurses are civilians, I'd probably bitch 'em out. Too bad I can't, some of 'em are even Captains, let's not get smoked later on just cause I bitched out an O-3) so instead of getting sleep, I'm getting nurses visit and machine beeping. Really, I'm not dying, I just, want to go home.

There's too many things that need to be taken care of. Things need to be brought before the baby comes and not to mention I need to get use to the accessible crib and so much more. In just a week or two, I'll no longer be an only child. And truth be told, I'm excited for this new life and adventure.

Mom's been talking about names again. She really like the name Sarah (meaning princess) but I told her it's too original. She haven't even got a middle name in mind either. I swear this baby just might be nameless till Dad gets home. (Can they do that?!) Either way, she's ready for the baby to pop out and she's ready to push all the baby chores to me. Guess one thing good is that she won't have these strange cravings at the strangest hours.

Aside from the home events, drama still continues at school. Loads of college applications to finish and homework to do. Though I got to say how great some friends are who decided to stop buy so we can have a study group and college apps party. Never thought senior year could be this crazy...

I do have a request for my readers. Do you guys think it'd be a good idea for me to use one of my blogs as part of the essay? Meaning to just copy and paste it? If so, which one is good? (Just like to take a vote and see what's people's view on it.)

I think when I'm bored and really nothing to do it's when I go through stuff and think and wonder about others. While flipping through some of my stuff on the computer, I discovered poems I made just out of random. They're mostly (or I think all of 'em are) military related. Reading all of 'em back to myself, I'm starting to wonder if I should publish it or something. I mean, it's be cool.

There's just so much going through my mind right now it's not even funny. School, college, Sean, Dad, Mom, the baby, Dosh, Airborne, and just so much more.

I've been reading up on the DoD release and the thought of units being rotated worries me, makes me wonder and makes me wish for a lott of things. Been hearing a lot about Basic/Boot Camp/RTC, AIT/Tech School/A-school from my friends and well...with each conversation, my heart aches and crumbles while my face is covered in laughs and smiles. I still see myself joining, I still go see the recruiters daily, I still see myself in ACUs, doing drills, in formations, PTing, and so much more. But, well...guess seeing is crazy in this case. I may joke around that often but seeing friends and family in the service is slowly eating me away, just not sure I'll lose it.

Or maybe I already have...seeing things that I hope ain't real, dreaming things that can't come true. Little things in life, gestures, actions make me flinch, every tackle I see is me, and laying in this bed with the IVs and this stupid mask, I want to just give up, to let it all go. If I had no one, none at all, that's what I'd do. I'd just say bye to it and flip it off. But no, that ain't an option, I got to keep it up for Mom, Dad, and the new baby. If it wasn't for 'em...

I'd be hanging out with Sean right now. With Sean, Mr. Reagon, Mr. Charles, Mr. Jackson, and all the fallen heroes...

God damn, I am fucked up. I need a drink or at least a smoke. I don't even remember when I started smoking...just did and even with my paralysis, I made it work.
How? I just did...
Why? Because...
Will I get in trouble? I'm not sure, nor do I care...old enough to drive, die for my country (or lack there of) I'm sure smoking ain't shit (nor is drinking for that matter)

After so long, I think I'll finally say it and release it to the world. Me, Matthew QKnuckles, is FUBAR. More FUBAR than anyone know or imagine.

My life is a mirror, you'll see me as me but you won't ever know the real me...
Like I said,

Since I was feeling good at all for last week's football game, here's the score:
Cal at UCLA, 45-26
USC at Notre Dame, 34-27

Army at Temple, 27-13
Oregon- Bye Week
Texas A&M at Kansas State, 62-14
Alabama vs South Carolina, 20-6
Ohio St at Purdue, 26-18
Oklahoma at Texas, 16-13
Navy at Southern Methodist, 38-35

Maryland vs Virginia, 20-9
UMiami at UCF, 27-7
Texas Tech at Nebraska, 31-1
Virginia Military Institute vs Stony Brook, 27-20

Air Force vs Wyoming, 10-0

Florida vs Arkansas, 23-20
LSU- Bye Week
Michigan vs Delaware State, 63-6
Washington at Arizona State, 17-24

Winning teams are in bold

And below is this week's game results:
Army vs Rutgers, 27-10

Ohio St vs Minnesota, 38-7

Maryland at Duke, 17-13

Virginia Military Institute at Presbyterian, 31-20

Washington v Oregon, 43-19

Alabama vs Tennessee, 12-10 One of the most amazing game I've ever seen. Go Bama!
Oklahoma at Kansas, 35-13
Navy vs Wake Forest, 13-10
Michigan vs Penn State, 35-10
UMiami vs Clemson, 40-37 OT

Air Force at Utah, 23-16

Cal vs Washington State, 49-17

UCLA at Arizona, 27-13

Texas A&M at Texas Tech, 52-30 Go Aggies! :D

Florida at Mississippi State, 29-19
LSU vs Auburn, 31-10

USC vs Oregon State, 42-36

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I Need a Freaking Smoke

I think it's hilarious, even at this time of the day, Dad find the way to smoke me out. And I don't even know where in the world he's at. Really, what the hell?!

Within this week or the next, Mom will have the baby and really they still don't know what to name it and I, again, have to lay here listening to Mom going through the list like different color paint swatches. If you've been reading, you know I'm sick, I'm laying in the hospital bed, bored, sick, fever, and so on.

And as if I can't feel any worse, got an one minute call from Dad. And like the Dad he is, he smoked me out. Not really sure for what because I was half out of it so I just answered "Yes, sir" throughout the phone. I think it was something about being sick and not watching out for myself and Mom. I don't know, don't really remember what he was talking about.

Anyways, I think in ways it's funny. My Dad, a SNCO whose been in the Army for years can smoke me out even when I don't know where he's at. Even when he probably can't get to a phone, he still somehow get one just to smoke me out. Even if it's for a minute.

Not sure how I feel about that but I guess like my Grandpa say it, "They yell and scream because they love you."

Guess he loves me. I love you too Dad. (Wonder if I can yell at him? Oh I wouldn't dare, haha) Boy, I can use a smoke right now.

Right now, for those who are wondering, I'm still out of it. But well enough to be awake, half out of it, talking to a friend on IM while watching Bones with her on Hulu. And well type this blog. So really thank you to everyone who have been wondering how I'm doing. I'm alive and out of it but hey, that's me, ain't it :P

Just hope I can get home soon!
Thanks again everyone. Hopefully Dad wouldn't smoke me out any time soon.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Naive. Sick. Thinking.

Right now, I can't sleep. I got this horrible fever that I can't break nor can I breathe without this oxygen mask on me. I haven't been feeling well at all, even with the amount of time I spend sleeping these days. Whatever it is I have...horrible and I'm sick of it. This is one of many reason I why I hate being sick. It gives me too much time to sick or lay here just thinking and not doing anything. Which in ways, it's horrible.

I've been thinking a lot about Dad and Sean lately. Dad still isn't back yet and Mom's due soon and geeze I get sick at the worse time, ever.

I remember when Sean was getting treatment, I would sit by his bed (or on his bed) and some times, I would watch him sleep. I'd wonder if the poison that was dripping into his veins would do the trick, wondering if anything was growing in his brain. I remember wondering if my Aunt and Uncle would have to bury Sean, I remember thanking God for Sean and everyone in the family and wonder if all this he's doing is all part of his plan. Sean's always been a smart one. I remember when we had his latest MRI, he was sitting in his room and he told me, "It's back Cousin Matty. In my head, it's back!" and I remember telling him don't be silly and everything will be ok. Now I'm wondering if he knew it all along, he sure is a smart man.

At times, I wonder if I can just take Sean and run away. Hoping that the tumor and sickness won't hurt him anymore. Silly of me I guess. Within just 2 weeks, what was a small tumor the size of a nail turned into a tumors and sizes of a dollar and spreading like a germ and wildfire. It all seem like yesterday. Seems like yesterday he was just sitting in my lap, smiling and joking around. Seems like yesterday he took his last step, held his blankie, ate on his own, talked, and so much more. Really all seem like yesterday...I remember all the emotion that everyone in the family was feeling, that sadness, that pain, and so much more. We're all expected him to go to Heaven soon but that fear just scare the hell out of you. The fear I see when I saw him taking his last breath, his last heartbeat.

I remember reading somewhere that every day, 6 families will see their love ones leaving for Heaven. I remember thinking that can never be us, at least not this early.

I can be really naive sometimes.

I remember saying to myself that 45,000 troops is what Mr. President will go with. I remember yelling at the TV saying 45,000 troops. Then I realize people don't even know what really is going on. People hear about the troops and units being send overseas constantly but people don't really hear or think about those who deploy without us even knowing it. I've been ask before what my Dad does and I just told 'em "He's Army" and move on. I don't think people realize not everything in the Army is out in the open. And even when they hear about the 45,000 troops that will be needed for Afghanistan, they don't know or don't think about the people already there or in other parts of the world. I don't think people know what to ay when you tell 'em that your Dad isn't part of the usual group of Army. They tend to say "cool" and "sweet" and nothing more. Because they don't know what to say. Ya it's cool sometimes but's more than being cool.

Sometimes, it's about staying up late or waking up early with nightmares wondering where Dad is, if he's okay, safe, and when he'll be coming home. The nerve of him being here one day smoking your butt out and the next he can be anywhere else in the word. And it tends to happen when I got nothing to do, when there's less things to worry about or more time to wonder about things like that.

I'm sick really sick and not sure when I'll get better. Soon I hope, really, so I don't have to have time to think about the stupid things. So I can have more time taking care of Mom and the new baby, so I'm not laying in the hospital bed wondering and thinking about the unthinkable.

God I can use a drink right now or at least a smoke.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Sick but Alive

First off, thanks for everyone's get well wishes. Can't thank you all enough

Second, I'm hating my Mom for writing that last blog, way to embarrass me, Mom.

It's been a crazy last couple of days and well, I'm alive just not yet well. I came in the hospital with AD (Autonomic Dysreflexia) and expected to be treated for just that but some how, I got sicker. Fever, puking up, you name it. Just not good last couple of days. So the doctor did some tests to find out I not only have a liver infection but also kidney infections to go with it. When I heard it, I was about to shot someone. Really, with my injury, anything can kill me before I know it. So I guess in a way I'm glad I came to the hospital to be treated for AD, without this trip, I'd probably never really realize I was sick.

Anyways, for those who are wondering, I'm still feeling out of it and feeling pretty sick. Laying in the hospital bed with the machine beeping and the IVs dripping (oh look I've turn into a "rapper" since I've been here, great! NOT!) but I'm here ain't I? My fever is still flexing up and down but with 'em knowing what's wrong with me, I'm pretty sure these meds they're giving me will make me better soon. Hopefully, actually, really hoping I'll be out of here and get back to school. Can't imagine the amount of work I got to and on top of the college applications. (I've been trying to work on some homework but meh, sick as a dog, going need to catch up later on)

Anyways, thank you again everyone for the get well wishes. Really hoping I'll be out of this place soon and into the "normal" routine.

Friday, October 16, 2009

My Baby is Very Sick

Before Matt passed out in his hospital bed earlier, he told me.

" friends on Twitter don't know what's happening and I don't want 'em to worry about me"

He was sick as a dog but he had to make sure I'll write somethin' on the blog for all his Twitter friends to know. I figure I write somethin' right now.

Matt has been tellin' me about Twitter family that constantly gives him support when he needs it. Sure is thankful he has y'all!

Matt had gotten sick and showed signs of Autonomic Dysreflexia a couple days ago. Brought him to the ER and they treated him for AD. He's gotten sicker since then and the doctor is suspecting some kind of kidney or liver infection. Test results will be telling us more.

Now Matt is a strong boy and will be fine, I'm sure. Thank y'all for being so kind to my baby boy.

Very thankful and many love

Sunday, October 11, 2009

We're All Hurting

I've never been a fan of silence. When the room is too quiet, I tend to listen to music or TV. Even if I'm not watching the show or the movie, I just like the background noise.

I went to pick up my Aunt and Uncle this evening. The drive there was strange, reminds me of the days I'd drive up in the dark nights to go see Sean. It reminded me of the nights I'd sit in my room wondering if I should drive up to the hospital just to see Sean. Makes me wonder if the school events I went to was worth it, if staying at home was worth it.

Was it?

Homecoming should be happy, should be joyful, full of hugs, kisses, and happy tears. It sure is different today. I saw my Uncle and Aunt, both in uniform, being thanked by strangers for doing what they do. And on their faces, I can see the sadness and urge to see Sean again. I gave 'em both a hug and went on towards the car. There was no words, none at all as we got in the car. I didn't ask how their flight as, if they are hungry, tired, I didn't. Because somehow, I knew all their answer would be "okay"

The trip was an half an hour drive and well it felt like hours. There was a cold silent in the car, a silent I didn't dare to break. It was one of the strangest drive, ever.

"Sure is nice to be stateside." My Uncle said and nothing more.

There still wasn't anything being said once we get home. I got stuff ready so my Aunt/Uncle can settle in. While Mom and Aunt cooked, my Uncle and I sat there and flip through the channels of the TV. Even through dinner, there was a strange silence.

I was told to do my homework that the adults will take over what's needed to be done. I didn't argue, though I had no mind to do my homework or write my college essays. I had no intend of doing any homework anytime soon but I didn't argue. Went into my room and sat at my desk, staring at my homework and wondering a lot about life and beyond.

I heard my Uncle said that he's going out for a smoke. And out of nowhere, I heard a cry. My Uncle's a Marine, he's a typical jarhead, tough, rough, and no emotion, ever. And there I was, sitting in my room, hearing my Uncle cry right outside my window.

I know he'll never admit this incident, I know I may never physically see him crying anywhere, but I know, we're all hurting.

Sean, buddy, see, your parents are home. They miss you and I'm sure they are proud of you. We all are.

Sean's always been a fan of my grandparents ranch down in Texas. After much discussion, Sean's parents have decided to cremate Sean's body then spread his ashes at the ranch. Sean's a huge fan of horses and love to be around 'em. I think it's this a good decision and fully support Sean's parents for it.

The memorial service will be tomorrow and it will be small and private. Since on such short notice, Sean's parents understand if there are family members that can not make it to the service. After the cremation ceremony, Sean's parents will be flying out to my grandparents' ranch to spread the ashes. They encourage everyone to be thinking of their love ones not only tomorrow but every single day, to know that life is precious and family is precious.

For family members and friends who like to support. Sean's parents wish for all to support their local children hospitals or St. Jude's in their fight to beat childhood cancer.

After all, all children should live carefree.

Side note:
We're all thankful for the support that our friends have given us. Thank you all for continuing to offer to help, your kind words, and more. Since Sean's parents leave only last a few days, please do not contact 'em in any way. We all just wish to put Sean in his resting place and slowly, move on with our lives. All inquires please contact me, my information can be found on the right side of the blog. Thank you all very much, we can't thank you all enough.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

“No crying Cousin Matty, crying’s for babies!”

God I miss the kid.

He's fucking 5.
5 for Heaven's Sake.

Nothing make sense anymore.

I miss you bud, say hi to God for me. I guess right now you got the best seat in the world to look at football games, right. All the games you can watch and all the popcorn you can have. Go Navy, right?

I love you kiddo.

"No crying Cousin Matty, crying's for babies!"

You're right kiddo, I'm a big baby
God I miss you.

Cal- Bye Week
USC- Bye Week

Army v Vanderbilt, 16-13 (OT)
UCLA v. Oregon- 24-10
Texas A&M v Oklahoma State 36-31
Alabama vs Ole Miss, 22-3
Ohio St v Wisconsin, 31-13
Oklahoma v Baylor, 33-7
Navy at Rice, 63-14

Maryland at Wake Forest, 42-32

UMiami v Florida A&M, 48-16
Texas Tech v Kansas State, 66-14
Stanford at Oregon State, 38-28
Virginia Military Institute at Coastal Carolina, 20-6

Texas v Colorado, 38-14

Air Force v TCU, 20-17

Florida v LSU, 13-3
Michigan at Iowa, 30-28

Washington v Arizona, 36-33

Winning teams are in bold

Friday, October 9, 2009

We'll Miss You and We Already Are

I once asked Sean if he can have one wish, just one, what would he wish for. He sat on my lap laughing and picking out all sorts of things from being a superhero to being just like his Dad, a Marine. From meeting a Transformer to being "all grown up" and as I told him he could only have one. He giggled and told me. "Three!" and I smile and told him, "Ok three" We had just finished watching Aladdin, and I'm sure that's where he got the three from

I said a wish. Sean says Three.

I wonder if Sean knew it all along. I wonder if he wanted to fight long enough to see his parents again. I wonder about a lot of things right now...

It's been a long journey, for all of us. And I think Sean knows it more than any of us do. I think he already knew when things started to go downhill. It's still a dream to me. Nothing seems normal at this point.

The new spot on brain, cancer cells is CSF, small lesion turns into tumor, then more tumors, seizures. Make-a-wish (or rather, three), more seizures, stats are dropping, need oxygen, catheter, morphine, Ativan, phenobarbital, Codeine, Zofran, Visteril, Morphine, more morphine. Nothing seems normal anymore.

The scared look on his face made all of us scared. He's just skin and bones, fighting for his last breath, mumbled "Mama" and "Daddy"

He fought till he couldn't no more.

I never thought I would hear those words about my 5 year old cousin. He's 5, for fucking sakes, 5. But after this morning, the words will forever be in my heart and mind. He's gone. Sean fought until the last painful breath. I'm not going to lie and tell everyone how peaceful he was. Because it was NOTHING peaceful about it. Sean was like a fish out of the water, trying so hard to breathe, but nothing.

When he started having a hard time breathing I went to get Mom. I sat on the side of the bed as Mom climbed in, we started talking to him. We told him that everything will be okay and that soon, very soon, his Mom and Dad will be home. We told him how proud we were of him and how much proud both of his parents are. I told him to say Hi to God and Jesus for me. I told him that there are a lot of brave soldier and marines waiting for him. That he will be safe and okay. Mom told him he wouldn't hurt anymore. I told him good night, I told him I loved him and Mom did the same.

We took off his shirt so we could touch him (Mom said that he could feel us and we needed to feel him...) Mom put her hand on his chest. Told me she could feel his heart beat. Then it slowed down. We weren't there to hear his first heartbeat but we felt his last one.

He fought as long as he could, he fought hard in hopes to see his parents again. He fought till he couldn't no more.

I miss the little guy. My bond with Sean is indescribable. I mean, I know we're not supposed to pick favorites but out of all the cousins in the family, I got to say I like Sean the most. There's just something about him, I don't know, something special about him. We're roughly 13 years apart and really, you'd think we'd be farther apart. But he was like my own little brother. At two years old, he of all people climbed onto my hospital bed (after I got hurt), smiled and hid his face right in my arms. He taught me with smile and laughter, there's nothing you can't conquer. That smile, that joy is something I can never and will never forget.

His body lay peacefully in the bed and we know he's already in Heaven, enjoying the Sun, the clouds, and many years of no pain and worries. As Grandpa (and many others) have told me before, "It's never goodbye, it's see you later."

See you later buddy, don't forget us.
Run, play, have no worries.
We'll miss you, and we already are.

Thank you to everyone who's been there for me and my family. Thank you for the emails and the Tweets (not to mention DMs) asking how Mom and I are doing. We are, well, as well as we can be at this point. We are both sad that Sean's gone but know he is no longer in pain. And with the end of this precious life, we know soon that our family will be joined by another. Maybe this is God's plan all along, or at least I think it is.

A lot of things (as far as funerals and flowers go) are, of course, still up to my Aunt and Uncle. We manage to get a word out to my Aunt and Uncle and well, at this point, we're not sure when either of 'em will be back in the states or how long their leave will be. Either way, we're here too help 'em with any thing they need.

For those who would like to help, I think Mom and I couldn't agree more the best way is to help others who are currently fighting this disease. Hospitals and organizations like St. Jude's Children Research Hospital, Cure Childhood Cancer, and Cure Search really help with the cause of finding a cure. This is a horrible disease and monster, one that no kid like Sean should ever need to fight.

I truly hope that one day, kids like Sean can grow up thinking about their favorite cartoon rather than how many more rounds of Chemotherapy they need to go through just to survive.

To all the brave little warriors out there, I salute you.
To all the families, I salute you.
To Sean, you'll always be my favorite. But don't tell anyone, they'll be jealous.

Rest well and play well buddy, you deserve it.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Cancer Pisses Me Off

I think living this long, a lot of things tend to piss me off. Stupid, ignorant people tend to do the trick. And then I've discovered that things in life do the same too. Things like my injury sometimes just piss the hell out of me. Well...cancer, is one also.

They said God has a plan for all of us. That everyone in God's eyes are equal and no matter how wrong it something is, it's all God's plan. And even at times we don't understand it, it's all God's plan.

Tonight, I hope whatever God has in store, it's a good one.

I remember at one of our family reunions, my Great Uncle would tell us, "Everyday is Christmas if you look at it, because greatest gift of all is to have all these people around you. Then you know it's a good day."

The news of Sean's diagnoses took a lot of us by surprise. And still I wonder why my Uncle and Aunt didn't share it with us earlier. But then I realize, even if we know, there really isn't anything we can do other than being there for 'em. There was nothing they can do either, filling for a late deployment, in ways adds on the hurt.

Earlier tonight, we got a call from the hospital. Mom and I didn't need to hear what they had to say and rush our way out here. The 2 hour drive turned into just a over an hour. We had been told Sean might not make it through the night...

And within both of us, there are panics, worries, and pain. But Mom always seem to know how to try and stay calm. According to her, "Pray, hope, and stay calm is the best anyone can do." (I personally don't know how she got the mind to tell me to do all that, stay away from the room for awhile and do my homework) I'm not going to lie, I'm not doing homework, not worried about school or college applications. I just want to be in there with Sean but Mom's orders. Pray. Hope. Stay Calm. Contact Red Cross. And do my homework.

I'd never thought staying calm could be so hard. All this time, I thought I was the calm one. Boy was I wrong.

While I'm sitting here, I thought about the amount of families that's going through the same worries. And there are so many good people out there, The good people, the compassion and even their dedication. The complete strangers who get together to give a kid his last wish. (And in ways, hearing the words "last wish" tears me apart. A kid, many younger than I am, how can they be having a last wish? That don't make no sense to me...)

I remember one night when Sean and I were hanging out, he asked me what Heaven is like. He asked me if he can get anything he wants at Heaven. He said to me, "I like to go to Heaven" And for that moment, a 5 year old scared me to death. He's five, laying next to me in his hospital bed, asking me about Heaven. And that look on his face, the seriousness...scared me the most.

Mom told me days ago that Sean ain't the same as he was before. The little bundle of joy is starting to be taking over by a monster he can't even see. By a monster that I, a 18 year old, have trouble pronounce. Sean hasn't been eating or talking, he's constantly sleeping, vomiting. And somehow, no one can do anything about it. Geeze...he's fucking 5. He wants to see the sky, the ocean, and real life Transformers.

I just hope he gets to. He haven't even fighting that long. His brain just ain't the same anymore, stupid tumor. He couldn't hold his toys anymore. And earlier tonight, he told me "my legs are tired" (Doc said that slowly, Sean is paralyzed from the neck down) I wish there was something I can do. A book I can read him that will make him feel better, a story, a face, anything. All just to make him better. He told us, "I want Mama and Daddy. Finger phones don't work in Heaven..."

Just makes me want to cry.

Not that long ago, Mom shared with me something that my Uncle wrote:

"Out doing my job in this strange country one day, I couldn't help but felt an unbelievable pain in my of which felt just like a shrapnel wound. I expected blood, and with my shakey hands on my heart, I expected to feel the red liquid flowing through my fingers. But there were none. As I chow down the MRE, the incredible pain in my heart persisted and slowly I come to the truth: I miss my boy. My boy battling cancer.

The boys asked me what's wrong, if it was the food. And as I stare blankly into the dry sky, I shook my head. No one understands, and in this country, among the boys I trust my life with, I felt alone and lost."

I think we all feel alone and lost. Mom and I are taking shifts with Sean tonight and truly praying and hoping that everything will be alright. I've contacted Red Cross and getting the word out to both my Uncle and Aunt. Just hopefully everything will be alright.

After all, he is my little buddy. And always will be.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Punks. Homecoming. Tennis. Jostens!

Start off this blog with a small rant and then recent happenings.

What kind of people in the world think it's "cool" and "fun" to pick a fight with a kid in a wheelchair?! Well I don't know about you but I think we should give 'em all a name. $*%&#$%&#^%#*$*%$#%^

Right, if you're wondering what happened. It was after school, I stayed behind to back to my Government class and ask about the homework. Was on my way out to the parking long and well, guess 'em punks decided to pick a fight with me. I usually would of course run 'em over or punch 'em anyway I can but not this time. One kid managed to shove my chair from the back, probably hoping I would fall out but I got these seat/lap belts on my chair so I'm basically attached to the chair. Don't need to tell you what happened next, I'm pretty sure the kid was surprise I went with the chair too because took him a second before he started smack talking.

They tossed a couple kicks, punches then got me out of my chair just so they can "pick a fight" with me some more while some kid was zooming around in my chair. (Of which that pisses me off more because really, don't touch my chair) I didn't bother to try and do anything. There was no point in wasting my energy, plus, I'm going to need it to get back in my chair after they leave.

Base case of Mondays?

But before they complete their "task", like our NJROTC Chief was walking by and yelled at 'em. And like a bunch of cats they scrammed like there was no tomorrow. Chief was pretty awesome about everything after the punks ran off. He walked over and asked me if I was okay, asked me how to carry me back in my chair, (huge kudos to him, most people don't really ask and just toss me in the chair like a wet towel) and made sure I was alright before letting me take off. Thanks to him, my afternoon was a lot easier. (Can't imagine having to find my chair, somehow drag myself back to it and back in the chair then drive home, would have been my worse day)

To those who are panicking, don't I'm fine. Nothing huge, cuts and bruises but I'll be fine. Just a bad case of Monday is all I guess. Mom even told me to slap some meat on 'em bruises...sometimes, I wonder how old she really is for telling me to do that stuff.

But what's done it's done, moving on.

This week is Homecoming, strangely as that sound, I am not looking for a date and so far I don't have a date to the dance. I guess there are a lot of reasons behind why that is (one of which is being at a new school when I literally don't know anyone well enough to just ask 'em. Plus, to 'em I am just a strange random senior in a wheelchair, the chances of me getting asked out to the dance before Saturday, slim. But hey still hoping lol :P)

Of course for Homecoming Week we got spirit week and they are:

Monday: Traffic Signal day. Wear Green if you DON'T have a date, yellow if you don't know, or red if you already have a date to the dance. Thoughts on that, a lot of people were wearing green and few yellow/red. In ways it makes me nervous, it ways, well I really don't care. I did ask K if she wants to come to Homecoming with me, though. How silly of me to ask, even when I know she can't...still not sure why I asked, but I did.
Tuesday: PJ Day. Had a rough day Monday so hey good way to "not" get ready for school. I still think that PJ Day increase productivity, staff and administration don't agree with me, got to some how change that.
Wednesday: Mustache Day. I swear...this gives me a huge excuse not to shave the night before and in the morning. I'm not sure if I'm going through a Moses's phase or something but I go a day without shaving and my face just goes puff. Strange...
Thursday: Hippie Day. Not exactly sure what this mean...but I'm most likely not going to dress up. Somehow I have a feeling some kid (probably freshies) will be dumb enough to make a "fake" joint and get in trouble for it. Ha, I'd pay to see that one.
Friday: Hat/School Color Day. Well this should be easy enough. Not that I don't wear my Cowboy hat or some kind of hat on a daily basis but it'll most likely cheer me up with my Wrangler jeans and cowboy hat :)

And well the Homecoming game is this Friday with the dance on Saturday. Really though, some friends and myself decided it'd be even cooler to just party at someone's place. I tend to agree...our football team is 0-5 or 6? Bad record and it'd hurt worse to watch 'em play than just partying with my friends. But guess we'll see, there's still time before we have to buy our tickets so who knows. Mom's got the Girls' Night Out Thing this weekend, I'll just have a party at home lmao :P

Aside from Homecoming week, there's been a lot and I say A LOT of mandatory Senior Class Meeting these days. And somehow, they are all the same message over and over again. Tell us to be smart and doing something stupid will just make 'em lose their chance at graduating. I think we all heard that before, they really should start telling us something new.

Tennis season:
Last Saturday was our last match in the regular season last Saturday. I think we got really good team and we did a lot of good stuff (Swear I contributed nothing to this team, lol :P)

We as a team:
  • Took first place at the school's tournament. Champions at all three single spots and #2 doubles. Second place at #3 and #4 doubles
  • #3 doubles team finished 8th in the Pueblo South Tournament (features the top 10 teams from both 4A and 5A schools)
  • Won against Canon City (they supposedly lost to 'em last year)
  • Won against rival school, 5-2

And well regionals will start on Thursday and then it's state. Can't believe our school actually have a good chance to go to state! So we'll see what happens later on in the week.

A side note on school: I think every senior knows what the senior year means. The people at Jostens will be at schools to collect orders fo 'em caps, gowns, graduation announcements, and other stuff we probably don't need to spend but parents think it's "needed" but hey I guess more to it for 'em it is their money. (I am still trying to send out a proposal to my Mom about buying a class ring....we'll see what happens)

As for Sean, he had a rough night last night so Mom decided to take today off so she can stay with Sean for the night and then some. We are still waiting to hear back from Sean's parents so I won't go into details for now. According to Mom, we need loads of good thoughts/prayers for Sean and that's all I'll disclose for now.

Better head to class, long lunch period is over.
Have a good rest of your day.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Feeling the Unknown

I often wish at times we as humans can't feel. So that people in general don't have to feel pain, sadness, worry, and much more. So that people in general don't have to feel the pain of losing someone or even the worries of hearing the worse news of your life.

I probably mention before that when I was younger, I would stare at the casualties list for both Iraq and Afghanistan every day, hoping that, one my Dad or people I know isn't on the list and two, there wouldn't be a single listing on any given day. Mom told me before it's not good to look at the list, that it generate worries more than it needs to.

Early this morning, after watching American Son, I went on to do my daily doings, of one includes reading from my Google Reader. First thing I read was "Eight U.S. Troops Killed in Afghan Battle" and trust me, it ain't a good way to start your day.

I think every military family can tell you that when you read news like this or hear it on the radio, first thing you wish is not to be your husband/wife, your parents, or even your son/daughter. And often times, when the names are released, you let go and give out the biggest sigh. It's not selfishness, I don't think, it's just how humans work. We just don't wish for things to happen to people close to us and truly I don't think this got to do with being selfish or not.

After reading that article, I had this knot in my chest. This strangest feeling in my heart that I can't shake. And all day, I'm thirsty, my lips feel dry like the desert and my throat ache like nothing I've felt before. I went to Sunday Mass today with the hugest pain in my chest and even the Chaplain asked me if I was okay or if there was something I wish to confess.

There wasn't and I really don't know what's going on. But I told him I was okay before heading on home. Mom was still at the hospital with Sean so for lunch, I made myself a sandwich and even got started on homework before the Cowboys and Bronco's game. But now, after the game, and piles of homework, this feeling is getting worse.

So I found myself sitting in my room, with the house phone in my lap and staring at pages and pages of DoD releases and hoping somehow they will release any information, any at all. Mom doesn't know what's going on and let's keep it this way. It's better for me to worry and go through this than her. I wonder about Sean, how he's doing and truly pray that everyone I know is ok.

Why is it that the unknown seem scarier than the known?

And at the same time, I know many families out there right now feeling the same way or even worse. I really hope this feeling pass soon or at least knowing something, anything. Because not knowing but feeling it is in ways, worse than staring at it in the face.

Truly praying for everyone in the military community tonight.

I apologize for making anyone nervous or upset by reading this blog.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

"We don't hug, Cousin Matty, we're boys!"

After my match today, I decided to drive up to the hospital so Sean and I can watch the Navy and Air Force game before it ends. We managed to catch the second half of the game and it was loads of fun to hear Sean yell "YAY NAVY" throughout the game (it was a great game, if you didn't see it I suggest you find a re-run of it)

Navy wins! Look like they might be holding onto Commander-in-Chief's Trophy for another year. Wonder when Army will get the trophy again, haha.

There's nothing more I like than hanging out with Sean. When I came in his room today, he jumped off of his bed and literally yelled my name. That smile on his face was amazing. As I was about to give him a hug, he told me, "We don't hug, Cousin Matty, we're boys!" Made me chuckle a bit, another one of those "kids say the darnest things" Though he did sneak in a hug later on while we were watching football, according to him it's ok because "no one's watching" :D

We watched a couple football games before he got sick of it. While watching football today I realized I'm applying to a lot of SEC schools. Coincidence? I'm not sure :P But hey it's kind of cool :D So I asked him if he wants to watch a movie. He looked at me and said yes.

So right now I'm laying in bed with Sean while watching Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. I can tell he's not feeling well and really, looking at him anyone would know he's sick. I would say his head probably is swollen about twice its original size- may be bits exaggerating, but you get the point. Mom said it's from the tumor, and ya, I can tell. His cheeks are swollen (I think from the meds?) and overall, his voice seems sore and tired. As he put is head against my shoulder, I could feel this strange pain in my heart. I ache for him, knowing he's hurting constantly. At the same time, I am still proud of him. Even with the pain, he doesn't complain as much as I think he would, he's still laugh and smiling at silly things and of course, still think hugs are for girls.

They say that strength comes in different sizes. And I think this pint size kid is one of the strongest person I know.

On a side note: I took a look at my September stats for the blog, it's amazing how it fluctuates like that. Imagine it being a company. Wonder how the stock holders of this "company" will think, haha.

Sept Viewing Stats

On another note: I've been watching Professor Shiller's Financial Markets lectures over at Open Yale Courses on my free time. It's basically college Finance lecture class and really, I think it's quite interesting. I'm having a blast watching the lectures and learning from them. (More than I am learning from my Finance class right now!) Call me a nerd but really, learning a lot about the subject, Professor Shiller, and just college lectures in general. Great heads up on college life I guess :D

Anyways, back to the movie. Then it's reading him a bed time story, make sure he's asleep and driving on home. Really wish I can stay but Mom's making me drive home so I can work on my homework and college applications all day tomorrow. She even suggested a homework/college applications party at the house tomorrow. Strangest idea, who would come to that?!

Texas- Bye Week
Florida- Bye Week

Michigan at Michigan State, 26-20 Didn't catch this game but WOW!
Maryland vs Clemson, 24-21
Army vs Tulane, 17-16

Alabama at Kentucky, 38-20

Virginia Military Institute vs Gardner-Webb, 27-23

Washington at Notre Dame, 37-30 (OT)
Stanford vs UCLA, 24-16
Texas Tech vs New Mexico, 48-28
Air Force at Navy, 16-13 (OT)
LSU at Georgia, 20-13

Ohio St at Indiana, 33-14
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt, 23-7

Texas A&M vs Arkansas, 47-19

UMiami vs Oklahoma, 21-20
Cal vs USC, 30-3

Oregon vs Washington State, 52-6

Winning teams are in bold

Though I Wish

It's early Saturday morning right now and well, I'm ready for my tennis match later on in the day so thought I write something. (Plus the fact I can't sleep, maybe after this I can get some Zs...)

So late last night, Mom decided to drive up to the hospital to stay with Sean for the weekend. I told her it's a bad idea to drive so late, she said she can't sleep and Sean can use the company. There was nothing I can do to stop her, I even offered to drive her up there, she said no. Said that since I got a match today, I need to stay home and that she'll be fine.


Either or, she made it to the hospital okay. She saw me online and we got talking on Google Talk She asked me about college applications (no surprise), grades, school work, then we got talking about Sean. I asked her what's going to happen next for him. He's been through loads already and though I wish for him to fight on and be healthy again, sometimes, I wish he would just stop. Stop and go to Heaven so he doesn't have to feel pain no more. I don't know what that make me, selfish or stupid or even a horrible person, I don't know. Either way I feel bad just thinking about it.

What would we do without Google?

Mom told me what the doctor said about the last scan. I won't go into details for now, since we still need to reach at least one of his parents. Let's just say that they aren't the news we are hoping for. I guess tumors, in ways, are like dragons, nothing can kill 'em except a brave knight. And right now, no knight is powerful and brave enough to fight off this dragon. (Horrible analogy I know but really I believe Sean's a brave and strong knight, the dragon is just putting up a fight also) Sean's doctors have contacted St. Jude and they have agree that if it's what Sean's parents want. They can start treatment for Sean over in Memphis.

There's a plus side to St. Jude's, they have a great program and they focus sully on childhood cancer. There's a downside to that, it's nowhere near where my aunt/uncle is stationed. In fact, it's not even in the same state.

So Mom did some research and looked for places around where my aunt/uncle are stationed and Duke looks extremely promising. So there's a plus there for Duke, even if their focus isn't on childhood cancers, it's a good hospital.

Well, the ultimate decision is on Sean's parents. Since they're both deployed, we'll just have to see what they think once we can reach 'em. (I've been hearing about deployment extensions...I really hope Sean doesn't have to battle this thing alone for much longer. No matter how much time me or Mom spend with him, we know he wants his parents. After all, it is his Mom and Dad)

Knight v Dragon - Sean v Tumor?

I got to leave for my match in three hours and still having slept. Been thinking about my little buddy, hope he's doing alright. Today's the Air Force and Navy game, I just might rush up to the hospital after my match so I can watch the game with him at the hospital. We'll see.