When does This Grieve End?!

For the past nights, my mind and myself have been sinking into a deeper hole. This ain't me and this ain't how I want to act but I can't get myself out of this hole.

During the day when I'm out and about, I'm usually fine. Maybe because I'm busy focusing my days ahead or maybe I'm digging a deeper hole than I am realizing.

At night is when the mind moves and the memories slowly become taunting images and flashbacks like there's no tomorrow.

I heard a friend talking to her Mom. Her voice and the way she talks to her Mom reminded me of myself years ago. I can see it in my mind the younger me talking to Mom with a smile. I can hear Mom's gentle voice, I can hear her laugh. But it's all #*%&ing memories. I find myself full of of hate and at times tears filled eyes because of the things I couldn't do. The full hatred for cancer, for myself, and for whoever is responsible for putting cancer on this planet. I physically hurt and can feel the massive pain. Why is this a daily struggle, I'm not sure but I hate it. I miss my Mom, my hero, the one who brought me to this planet.

I'm sick of crying.

I often sit in Skype calls with my friends and not speak of any words. I listen while friends wondered why I don't ever talk. I listen more often because while hearing their laughs and conversation, my imagination grows as if everything's normal and that there is no one trouble in the world. But at the same time, listening hurts like no other. Simply because I know some laughter are there to cover the pain. We all have our own pains but in ways we all pretend laughing it off will solve everything.

God I sound *%^&ing emo.

Someone once told me, "you cover it so well, but I can see and hear your pain through your laughter, your words, and that 'smile' of yours. I wish I can do something for you Matt, please take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself."

Is it that *%^&ing obvious.

I like Skyping or hearing her talk. Because she speaks so freely and she reminds me so much of Mom and Nicole. I like IMing or texting her because her personality shines through like no other. Of everything, she reminds me of Mom. And in ways it brings comfort and in ways in bring pain of the empty bedroom down the hallway. I hear her and it's like hearing Mom again.

What I would do to really hear Mom's voice again. What I would do to see her making breakfast or for the chance for me to make breakfast for her. What I would give to hold her hands and hug her once more.

When does this grieve end, someone please tell me.
I am so sick of crying and grieving.

Mama, help, please.
I need help, Mama.

Words I Can't Get Myself To Say

There's a part of me that always knows that this will happen sometimes in the future, whether it's online or in person. I just didn't know it would be this soon.

The same question was asked over and over today, both on Twitter and in person. "Where's mom?"
And I couldn't find the words to answer the question. On Twitter, I posted a link to the blog post for that person and nothing more. In person, I said, "away" and let the silence rang through the air.

I never thought it would be this difficult to answer a simple question. I never thought a question like that would make me hurt, physically. I felt my heart ache when the question was asked. It hurts.

Earlier today, I read Mr. Lance Armstrong's blog post For Stacy and just like that, missed Mom like never before. I missed her smile, I miss her cooking, I miss her words, I miss her.

I cried then the question came and my heart stopped.
I couldn't find the words to answer the question. And soon realized that it's only been 4 months since Mom passed away and already it felt like eternity. And that eternity feel made me believe that I could answer "Where's mom?" but I couldn't.

I couldn't say the words to explained what happened. I wouldn't say the one sentence that would answer the question. I just couldn't. There are just words I can't get myself to say. Even thinking about it makes my heart ache.

I can't say it even if I want to explain what's going on. I've already done it once through writing that blog and somehow, saying it again seems impossible.

So forgive me, people who asked me that question. I can't answer that in a short sentence because of how much it hurts me. Please make your way to the blog post and your question will be answered.

Once again, I'm sorry. There are just words I can't get myself to say.
At least, not yet.

I love you, Mama. Sarah's growing up so fast and we miss you every day.

Reality

Yesterday, while browsing around Military.com, I came across an article labeled, War Widows Struggle With a Special Grief and without thinking, I clicked on the link and read the entire article. The article was nothing special, it didn't teach me anything and I can't tell you about. I mean...you expect these things, even if you don't want to think or talk about it.

As I got to the middle of the article, I thought of Dad. He's working and somewhere in the world, a man is struggling with a special kind of grief. You often hear the word widow in the military. But not often do you hear widower in this community. Especially when your wife wasn't in the military. Especially when your wife was healthy as a horse months before she passed away. And that, makes Dad's grief a special one.

Now I don't know how Dad is dealing with all this. I don't know whether or not he's talking to his friends or a doc about it but I know he's not talking to me. I just hope he is talking to someone, and in some way, he is letting out this grief in a healthy way. I lost my mother to cancer. I can't lose my Dad to grief.

Though in ways, I feel I already lost him.

Towards the end of the article, something caught my eye, "...is among several...widows who still keep message machines tucked away in their closets..." I read that and I thought of myself and Dad, we still have the message machine in the house (in fact, it never even move an inch) We still have messages left in the machine. We still have the usual joyful greeting from Mom, "We're not home right now!" We still have a few messages on there left by Mom. And as much as I'd to hear Mom's voice again, "don't forget to pick up milk!" can and most likely will kill me all over again. So, for now, we leave it in it's place. In the living room, by the TV, and in our hearts.

"Reality is when you take your husband's name off your cell phone."

I completely agree...if we ever get the strength and courage to take Mom off of our phones, our answering machine, and our minds.

I don't think I ever will be able to do that.
I miss you, Mama. Dad is too.

P.S. It kind of hit me today that it's already May...which means there are about 17 days of real school left (plus senior finals and check out) then after that it's 3 days of mandatory fun before graduation on the 22nd. Time's going by too fast. And friends I met all over the world are graduating soon or already graduated. Really, where did the time go? I wonder if I'll ever get to meet some of 'em again...

Follows Us Like a Well-trained Animal

Mom liked Army Wives.

I never really understood the reason why she liked this show and watch it weekly but she would always tell me that it's the "drama and the crazy life that Hollywood thinks we're living" Guess she likes that side of Hollywood.

Yesterday was the season premiere of Army Wives and early in the afternoon, I went to the living room to set the DVR. Dad didn't say a word as I set up the DVR to record the entire season. We just kind of stood there in silence for a couple minutes before Dad said, "Your Mom would like that."

"I know she would, Dad." I told him.

There's an elephant in the room. And its name is Death. This elephant follows us around constantly like a well-trained animal. But we don't want this animal here, we just want to be left alone.

So last night, even with the recorder on, Dad and I sat down to watch Army Wives on Lifetime. We have two couches but for some reason, Dad and I sat on the same one. We sat on neither side of the couch and left the middle seat empty. I don't know why we did that but I guess we left the middle seat for Mom. Maybe she's was with us yesterday. Or maybe we were just hoping she would come rushing into the door at any minute, jump on the couch and yell, "GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING, RIGHT NOW!"

But we both knew Mama wouldn't come. Even if she did came, we couldn't see or feel her.

We sat there for the hour, didn't say a word and just watched the season premiere. In my head I could hear Mom's tears from watching this show. I could hear her gasping at the drama. I could hear her squealing at how "cute" some of these soldiers are. But I didn't want to hear 'em in my head. For once, I miss Mom's commentary when we watch Army Wives together. I miss the "oh my, cover my eyes, quick" or the "ohhh they're getting it on, man I wish your Dad was home." or even the "Pamla is so cute!" and other commentaries. I miss the quick and sudden squeeze that Mom gives me during the show and yes, I miss the squeals she makes when she watches this show.

I miss a lot of things right now. And wouldn't if Mama was here.

After the show, Dad turned the TV off and stood up. Said he's going out back for a smoke and well, went to cry in the backyard. Dosh and I went into my room as Dad sat out in the back and cried for nearly two hours. We sat in the silence house and heard the tears drop from a grown man's face. I wanted to be there for Dad and even if we sat there in silence, I wanted to make sure he knows I was there.

But instead, he screamed at me with his Army voice, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU I WAS SMOKING?! GET BACK IN SIDE AND WATCH SARAH." and well, I obeyed. I obeyed because I knew that was an order. I obeyed because I was scared. Scared not of Dad's voice but scared of losing him to grief.

Mama, please tell Dad it's going to be ok. Somehow.

It was a weird day yesterday. The elephant in the room seem to have got bigger and just pinned Dad and I to our separate corners. It was a weird Sunday and I'm sure there'll be more days like this. And it's these kind of days that cut into our hearts like no other.

I recorded yesterday's episode for you Mama. I'll visit in a couple days, this 3-day weekend. We can watch Army Wives together then I'll tell you all about Prom, Mama, and about school, classes, Sarah, Nicole, Dad, and everything else you'd like to know. I'm sure you'd like that. I miss you, Mama, I love you and I'll see you soon.

So I Cried. So I Chuckled.

Thank you again to those who send their condolences. Truly, thank you.

Someone I know but never met before and I got talking today. She told me, "I know you're hurting...I'm a Mom, I worry." And she is right, I am hurting. And I will for a long time. People tell me I should put myself first, that Sarah and Dad will be ok and I should most definitely take care of myself first.

But I can't, I don't know why I can't. I just can't. I HAVE to make sure that Dad and Sarah are okay. Especially Sarah. And if that means putting myself aside, so be it.

So yes, I am hurting. I laugh, I smile, I chuckle, and I joke. But I am hurting. Like something is nibbling at my heart and it hurts like a bitch.

Earlier, Sarah woke up crying and I knew she was hungry. After I fed her and put her back to bed, I went back into my room and continued reading Wired For War while listening to the radio. And out of nowhere, a song by country classic artist Patty Loveless came on the radio.

Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same.

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?

Time is too long, Mama, even if it eases our pain. I don't want to say goodbye Mama. I don't want to hurt, but I am. I don't want to cry, but I am. If you can hold me like you did before, please do. But please, I don't want to say goodbye.

Didn't take long for the song to make me cry...so I cried.

So with tears in my eyes, I checked my email. I checked my Google Reader and saw today's Cyanide&Happiness.

Didn't take long for the comic to make me chuckle...so I chuckled.

I'm sure this is Mom's doing, because only she can make me cry then make me chuckle within the matter of minutes.

Time is too long, Mama, even if it eases our pain. I don't want to say goodbye Mama. I don't want to hurt, but I am. I don't want to cry, but I am. If you can hold me like you did before, please do. But please, I don't want to say goodbye.

I love you Mama.

Are you okay?

First off, thank you for everyone's comments and support you guys are giving me. A lot of people have read my last blog and been asking me if I'm doing ok or if I'm alright. And well...here's your answer...

On the way home from the Commissary, the radio played Darryl Worley's I Miss My Friend. Midway through his sentence, Dad stopped talking and never continued.

I may have said before that we needed to "get away" from the Ranch and from all of the current events but there are just things that we CANNOT avoid. There are just things that we're not used to yet (and I wonder if we'll ever get use to it) And there are even things that we just don't know HOW to move on without Mom.

Things like:

• Going to the PX/Commissary without Mom.
  
• Prepping or even having dinner at home.
  
• Setting one less plate when we do eat at home.
  
• Selling Mom's car
  
• Turning off Mom's phone
  
• Resetting the answering machine
  

and so much more...

Even though we know one day we have to move on with our lives, right now, we can't. (Or maybe we can never move on) Right now, Mom's voice on the answering machine warms (and at the same time breaks) our hearts. Right now, Mom's car in the driveway somehow reassures us that Mom's just away for a business trip and shall return soon. I don't know why Dad and I keep fooling ourselves like this but maybe this is our way of dealing (or rather not dealing) with everything. Things truly aren't the same without Mom, our eating habits are different, our breathing habits are different. WE are different. Mom was the backbone of this family and now without her, Dad and I are just trying to form something out of our gelatin body but can't. We simply can't. Mom seems to be the person that kept Dad and I sane. And now we're just trying to look as sane as possible. So the world will believe we're sane. So our friends and family will believe we're doing alright. So we can fool ourselves and telling ourselves that it's alright. But it's not alright. Mom dying is not alright. Dad and I aren't alright (but we sure do a good job pretending we are) We miss you, Mama. Teach us how to be right again. Edit: Let it be known that it was extremely difficult for me to write this. I don't usually admit that I'm not doing alright. In fact, this is the first time I've say that I'm not alright. Trust me, this never happens.

I Need A Break

First, thank you all for the tweets and contacts about how Sarah's doing. She's a lot better now and the fever has gone down. She's on a few medications but should be back to her normal self pretty soon! Thanks guys for caring about her!

Now onto the matter at hand...

I'm pretty sure I need a break.

A break from what? Well everything but I know that would be a fairy tale. To take a break from life and everything around you, well ya that would be impossible.

I'm thinking more about taking a break from PT (Physical Therapy) You may or may not know from what I've written last time but doctors told me that I show signs of Muscle Atrophy. And well, lately I've been switching up my usual PT routines and focusing more on making this Atrophy thing go away.

And quite frankly, I'm not happy about it. I've had SCI (Spinal Cord Injury) for 3 years and been to PT countless time, what I was doing was SUPPOSED to help with that but nope. It didn't. And now, I feel like I'm rushing to do something to avoid this diagnostics. I'm rushing and exhausting myself over it and that I am not happy, at all.

I sat in my car for a few moments today before going home from PT. I sat there and stared at my legs and thought about the amount of time and energy I'm letting go for such thing and decided, I'm tired of it.

Tired of it and need a break.

I know, guys, I know. PT can help with spasms and plenty of other stuff but quite frankly, I'm at that point of my SCI life that I'm just sick of PT, I'm sick of the medications I'm taking and yes, I'm sick of SCI. Anyone got any ideas of how I can take a break from this? Because I sure don't know how.

Sounds like one of those week/month when I just want to lay on the ground and NOT do anything.

Sounds like one of those week/month when I just want my legs back, even if it's just for an hour.

I wish Avatar was real...
then I can close my eyes and be free...

Transition and Square One

Blog Going Under Construction!

This is a small heads up that there are going to be some changes around here.

1. Regular blogging (when I feel like it) will continue to be posted here on WordPress. Eventually the entire blog is going to be transferred to Blogger.

2. Before that transition can happen, I want to make sure I can make a petty sweet new blog as a tester. (Which will eventually turn into my personal website- if it turns out well, if not, it'll just continue to be a blog or many blogs)

So the picture perfect situation would be things turn out well and I have an entire website divided into sections for different blog/rantings of mine on top of other contents.

That probably won't happen so it'll most likely just different links to Blogspot for different blogs/rants (of course, they'll be links to 'em on the main blog- posts transferred from here)

If you're wondering what the tester is going to be about, it'll be of movies/products reviews and well, probably other reviews if I can think of more. But overall, it's going to be a reviews blog, and yes I already have a name for it. I'll most likely stick with the name but who knows I might change it.

3. More blogs/rants will be added, on the count that the website works, if not, well I probably won't have multiple blogs and just stick with my normal one and the reviews one.

If you have a website or a blog that you think it's pretty cool and would love to share how you put it up, please let me know. If you got any good ideas or suggestions, also let me know. Even if you think you're blog isn't cool looking at all, don't doubt yourself, if you're on my Blogroll to the right, you're already cool. So, please, I will take all the comments/suggestions/help I can get.

This isn't some small project I'm doing. This is going to be huge and most likely complicated project. In fact, my goal is to have the end-product so impressive, it's going to be good enough to pass this blog writing tradition onto further generations. So they too, can write about their thoughts and dreams and share it with the world.

So really, don't be shy on the comments (on here or catch me on Twitter), suggestions, and so forth, I will take all that you can dish out at me.

Thanks in advance.

Another thing to add that's got nothing to do with the previous announcement. I saw Avatar today, in 3D. I must say overall, I was glad the way they made it into a 3D movie, it wasn't obnoxious (in ways that it pops out in your face) so that made me some what happy about the way it was filmed. (There will be a more formal movie review later on over at Knuckles Reviews)

Avatar theatrical release poster

What made me think and got me wondering (I still am by the way, it's been almost 9 hours since I left the theater and I haven't stop thinking about it since and truth be told, it's making me depressed. But I can't stop thinking about it) about a lot of stuff.

The movie have many themes and truly if you think about it, it's like a layer of themes. Right off the bat someone can tell you there are two major things they can tell by watching this movie.

The last one...is something that no stranger on the street would thought of. The last theme can most likely come close to you if you know what it's like. If you seen the movie, you should know the few quotes that Jake Sully (the main character) said:

"Sooner or later, though, you always have to wake up."

"I don't know who I am anymore."

"Everything is backwards now, like out there is the true world and in here is the dream."

After watching Avatar, it's making me think and rather, I feel so connect to this movie on a personal level, it's making me hurt, a lot. And it's bringing back the conflicts I have put aside for years.

The number of times I wanted to fall asleep faster so I can dream of a world without my troubles. The number of times I wake up and getting slammed in the face with reality. It's a conflict...a major conflict.

Even with movies like Avatar that can capture my daily conflicts, it doesn't help me solve it. Because there is no Pandora and being an Avatar, is impossible.

"Sooner or later, though, you always have to wake up."

Waking up never seem so scary and pointless...

Am I back in Square One?
I think so...no...
I know so.

What is wrong with me...

As I said before...5 hours of sleep is usually good for me and that was the last time I slept. I haven't had a decent shut eye for a couple days now and yet I am still functioning like a normal human being.

Today was the first day of school and though there were some major setbacks of being the new student it was alright. My schedule was also messed up and will...just hope I can get it fixed before next week. After practice, I came home and finished my homework and study for my test tomorrow (yes that's what happens when you decide to take AP classes).

And now at 0330, I am not tired but sore from I don't know what and in major pain. Not a physical pain but an emotional one. Maybe it's the "date" coming closer and closer. Maybe it was the start of my senior year. Maybe it's everything but tonight, I'm in a bad mood. I'm sad that I can't get up off this couch to get a drink and back writing within seconds. I'm sad that I can't jump into my bed and truly sleep. Everything just seem so wrong...and I don't know how to fix it.

And the one man I can talk to about this is somewhere in the world, doing what he does best. I feel like a little boy again, wondering where Dad went and when he'll be back. I feel like a little kid again, sitting here crying silently so my Mom wouldn't hear me. I feel like a baby again, wishing someone to hold me forever and with a kiss, make the "bobo" go away.

I don't know why I am crying, but these tears flow like the Mississippi River and there ain't nothing that can stop it.

God what is wrong with me...

Pain and Relieve

I'm not one for complaining and bitching about how much pain I'm going through. Especially when my cousin, Sean, is going through his daily dose of chemotherapy. Hear him going on and cry about how much it hurts, that's just my indication for me to hold in my pain and take care of him.

Now I've never done chemo before so I can't possibly compare this pain to what Sean is going through. But I know what SCI nerve pain is, I know that agony you're going through when you're sitting in your chair or laying in bed wishing the pain would stop. And in your mind you still wonder why you're hurting. Even though the doctor explained it many times why you still get nerve pains after such injury as a Spinal Cord Injury. And why, when you can't move your legs or feel the majority of your body, you still feel pain. Extreme pain.

So you pop pills in your mouth hoping everything would just stop. Dantrium, Flexeril, Baclofen, Neurontin, anything you were told to take and you pop them in your mouth like they're candy. And even though you were told a limit on how many milligrams of the pills you can take a day, your hand can't help itself but move towards the pill bottle wanting to grab another, just hoping that it will finally make this pain stop or at least make it hurt less.

But that's when your brain tells you, "No, you can't take anymore, doc's instructions. What do you want to do, kill yourself?" So you back your hand away...and just try not to cry from this pain.

There's a trick to telling people how much you're NOT hurting when they suspect you are. Especially when that person is just 5 years old...hiding the pain seems easy, but it's not.

While Sean was at radiation, I shut myself in the bathroom, with pill bottles in my lap, my entire body shaking from the spasms and hearing myself breathe in and out as if I'm some sort of drug addict. And before I knew it, Sean popped back in his room and peeked into the bathroom and saw me, a 18 year old "grown" man, sitting on the bathroom floor, crying.

To my surprise, he came up to me and said, "It's ok Cousin Matty, I'll take care of you." before giving me the biggest hug I've ever got from him.

And he's the one going through cancer.
And I'm the one supposed to take care of him.

He may not ever remember that moment when he hugged me and watch me get back in my chair. He may not ever remember that moment when he made me climb in bed with him and held me before he himself fell asleep.

But I will, forever.
Thanks buddy, thanks.

Because when that happens...

What do you do...when you don't feel like you belong?

What do you do, when you feel as you're stuck in the mist of non-existence?

What do you do when you're not intelligent enough to be with the ones twice or three times as old as you but in the same time you feel as if you don't belong with people around your age?

What do you do when the people around your age are all thinking of "getting a piece of ass" when you are worrying about the survival of yourself, of the ones you hold close to your heart and arms?

The result of all this is not something I can explain. Adults see me as someone who is "intelligent yet not wise". Young adults see me as "putting up a show, trying to act smart." Teens my age see me as "stupid, weird, strange".

So where do I belong...

When you feel as if there is something of true importance you wish to address, people of the same age put you down. They stare at you, questioning your beliefs and wondering what is wrong with you. People older than you tell you "don't worry about it, you're still young."

What do I do...

When the people you see are typing "I think all horses have ADD" I sit here wondering if Sean would ever make it through the night let along make it through the week, month, or years. When they are "LMAO" at random topics I wonder if they know what someone with the same age is living under a bridge, is starving for food, or just wishing someone would stop and listen.

I don't know what to do. So I sit in the darkness and the silence of these words and just read. I hold in the tears and pain to put on a smile for Sean, for my parents, and even for strangers like the nurses.

So deep inside, I put the sorrow, the pain, the tears all in a box. And I can only hope and pray that the tears won't soak the box wet, making it weak and let the pain and sorrow lose.

Because when that happens...

There will be no wheelies.
There will be no laughs.
There will be no Matt.

Sure be nice to do something else for a change...

That's exactly how I feel right now. It'd sure be nice to do something else for a change. It'd be nice to be able to do what I've wanted to do for many years. It'd be nice to go for a real jog, even for a day, or an hour even.

At 0500, friends somehow got on the topic of military and just like that, my day seem to get from okay to worse. Just like that...weird isn't it.

I have a lot of family members and friends in the military. And from a young age the thought about joining the military and following everyone's footsteps was one of the dreams I've had. It was to a point I am willing to give up football to continue this family tradition. I still remember elementary school, I told my Dad I wanted to be just like him, be in the Army and do great things. He smiled at me and said, "Great." I still remember during junior high school, I told my Dad I want to join the Marines and got a slap upside the head followed by, "way to be a jar."

Why does that seem so distant right now...a small dream, a wish no longer exist. A dream to be a part of something great is no longer possible.

"If I'm gonna go I'll go all the way and be a Marine." was what a friend said.

If it's possible...I want to be a Marine too.
If it's possible...

Lord, please don't let these tears fall...
Please guide me in my time of need...

Sure be nice to do something else for a change...

Long Journey through Life

At 0250 early Thursday morning, I slowly realized that I am no longer a junior. And somehow...even though I want time to slow down, in the same time, I want time to speed up. With what's ahead of my life, the move, with Sean, with school and friends from all over the world, I just can't hold in the excitement.

And at times...I wonder what is best. With Sean, everything I do to him, in someways, I think is as if a superhero is doing it. He likes standing in the bathroom while I shave in the morning, he likes watching me put on my shoes, not to mention he likes watching me have breakfast and rush him to the car to start off our day.

But to me, I wonder if this is all right for him. I wonder what he can not communicate, I wonder what his head would say to me if it would talk. About the pain, the hurt, or even how scare it is to never reach its full potential. While thinking that...I just wouldn't know how to answer.

And when he come out of the bathroom after puking for several minutes. He let out a smile and said, let's read. I wonder how he does it and I wonder how millions of people who get affected by cancer do it.

People tell me my life is hard. What I go through is hard with the paralysis, the school, home, and friends. But really, looking at Sean and a good friend of mine, this ain't so bad, really, it ain't.

And somehow in turn I lay in bed at night wondering if there was something more that I can do for Sean and others. If there was anything I can even say to them that would just make them feel that much better.

And I still haven't come up with an answer. And truthfully...I don't think I can rest until I do.

To the person reading this in the future. I no longer know how to sleep. I no longer how to rest. And hearing you talk and asking me questions if I would go to bed, of course I would, just to settle you. But truth is...I have lost my ability to sleep and rest.

It's not because of the recent activities. Trust me, it's not. This have been going on for awhile now...

And maybe too long.
Who knows....

It's 0300...if Sean can get some sleep...I think I'll go for a run. If he can't sleep, I think I'll take him on a run with me.

And may the rain fall down on our faces to finally wash away the troubles, the hurt, the pain, and the sleepless nights.

Three years and it's not supposed to bother me...

Three years and it's not supposed to bother me...so why am I so upset...

It's been almost three years since I got hurt and trust me, these three years, I have heard a lot of shit said to me. I have heard a lot of insults and guff. All the words that were said, somehow, I never let those get to me.

And today, some simple talk with some girl with no harsh words anywhere along the conversation, I was offended and soon, turned extremely upset. I got hurt three years ago. Four some years ago, I was another guy looking around to get fame through football and maybe other ways to get around. I was just another freshman thinking I am on top of the world. Three years ago, I became a new man.

And I still wonder why at the most random times, little shit in life upsets me to an extreme. I wonder why I am here doing what I do. I wonder why I get up every morning to put on a smile for me and everyone else.

Just a small talk that got me extremely upset. I might not even go to the ball. And for the rest of spring break, I know what I will be doing. Sitting in my chair and wonder about the what ifs. And somehow hoping that this is all a dream and when I wake up, I can walk again. I can step on the field again and every thing will be just the way it was four years ago.

Dream on sucker...you're in it for good....