Sunday, June 27, 2010

Week of June 27th, 2010

I've never heard of The Chemical Brothers.

In fact, I would probably never known they existed if I didn't go to the get together thing my friend Pedro (that's not his real name, we just call him that) hosted a week earlier.

Dig Your Own Hole Album by The Chemical Brothers

I asked Pedro to share some albums of theirs with me and as soon as I heard this music, I said to myself, "this has got to go on my iTunes"

So for Weekly Tunes this week, if you haven't heard of The Chemical Brothers, listen here! :)

Dig Your Own Hole
The Chemical Brothers

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I'm Crying for Love

Climbed into my parents' vehicles and made sure it still runs.
I found letters addressing to me, Dad, and Sarah. It brought me to tears but at the same time, I hope there are more letters elsewhere.

I'm crying for love.
God I miss her, I love you Mama.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Week of June 20th, 2010

On Friday I wrote something on a day that I miss my parents and now, I miss my Dad bits more.

Growing up Dad missed a lot of holidays, celebrations, and yes, many Father's Days. I've always thought that I'm used to Dad not being here on Father's Day. I thought I was okay looking at my friends chilling out with their Dad and having a good time together. I thought I was fine with me sitting in the house with Sarah without Dad on Father's Day.

But I thought wrong. It's Father's Day and I miss my Father.

My Father, the one who believes in Freedom and is fighting for everyone's right to practice that freedom.

My Father, the one that sacrifices the time to be with his second child so he can be there for his team and his buddies.

My Father, the one that misses his love and best friend dearly but know that somewhere in Heaven, she is looking and smiling down at her like she always did before.

This song is for you, Dad, Happy Father's Day and thank you for being my Dad.
Come home soon.

Thank you for shaping my life,
Thank you for teaching me all you can,
You are no ordinary man,
You make me everything I am.

Thank you for taking the time,
Thank you for showing me the way,
And thank you for being there
When I need you,
Thank you for every single day.


Thank you for your guiding hand,
Thank you for making my dreams come true,
You’re an extraordinary man,
And I hope you’re as proud of me
As I am proud of you.

Thank you for giving me life,
Thank you for showing me good from bad.
I guess I’m only really trying to say,
Thank you for being my Dad.

Thank You for Being My Dad by Jon Barker
Lyrics available here.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Friday Before Father's Day: Missing My Parents

Today, on the way to class, I saw a Dad and his daughter walking down the street. When I turned around again, the daughter and father were happily skipping down the street. You read me right, they were skipping down the street. I personally believe that it takes more than courage for a 40+ year old grown man to be skipping down the street in his suit, wearing a smile and sharing a laugh with his daughter like nothing else matters in the world.

That is one of those moments in life where you can't help but smile. It's more than just a Kodak moment, it was a "wow" moment. And sitting in my car just a few feet away, I smiled and thought about Dad. I'm not sure why I thought of Dad. Maybe because Father's Day is just around the corner and Dad's somewhere in the world protection one of the things that matters the most to him: Freedom. Maybe in the mist of all the stress and things going on in our lives, I'd like to have my Dad home for awhile, a long while. Maybe, I just envy that girl that I saw on the street today, hanging out with her Dad. Maybe, I'm missing Dad more than usual this Father's Day, because this is the first Father's Day without Mom and with Sarah. Maybe I am sick of not having Dad home on Father's Day, a lot of maybes but I just am not sure what is the true reason.

But I thought about Dad more than I ever did ever before.

Every military brat in the world knows that feeling when a parent isn't home for some kind of a celebration, whether it's a birthday, holiday, graduation, or just a simple need-a-parent moment. Somehow, we get used to it and when other people ask us how we do it, we answer with "just do" but there always is something in the back of our minds wishing and hoping that our parent would be home for any occasion, even if it's not a holiday.

When I was younger, my Dad was my idol. I wanted to be just like him and everything he does, I wanted to do also. If Dad's getting ready for work, I'd pretend I'm getting ready for work. If Dad is shaving in the bathroom, I'd pretend I'm shaving also. If Dad's drinking coffee, I'd ask Mom for a cup of coffee. I wanted to have the same food on my plate as Dad does. Everything Dad does I wanted to do because truly I wanted to be just like him.

I can remember the first day Dad sat me down trying to explain to me what a deployment is. As you can probably guess it, I was lost as ever, asking things like, "Will you be home for dinner?" and "You'll be at my T-Ball game, right?" And I think after a few weeks of Dad not at the dinner table, I slowly realized what was happening. Very slowly though, I can still hear myself asking Mom if Dad didn't love us no more and that why he left us all by ourselves. (I'm pretty sure I made Mom cried that day) And I can still remember when Dad popped up on the computer screen telling me to be a good boy and that he still loves Mom and me and that he'll be home as soon as "the bad guys went away" and like that, slowly I was okay with Dad being gone. Because I can be the man of the house and plus, Dad is making sure the "bad guys goes away."

Years ago when Dad decided to take on his current job, he took me out on a fishing trip and told me his reason to do what he's about to do. He told me that if he got this job, he will be gone more often but gone for shorter amounts of time. He told me that he can be gone without letting us know and most of the time, he can't tell us where he's going or when he's coming back. "It'll be like a big game of secret, son." he told me, "and I hope you get better with secrets, because you never have growing up." and I smiled, it was true, I don't do well with secrets growing up but now, bits older, I know that with the Army, "secrets" or OPSEC is something that is extremely important. I told Dad I support him and I hope he gets this job. "I hope so, son, I sure hope so."

When Dad did get the job, we went out for a huge dinner and celebrated like there's no tomorrow. We laughed and smiled and though in the back of our minds we know how often Dad would be gone and on such short notice, we cherish every single moment with Dad. We made the time count.

Quite frankly, I don't remember the last time Dad was home for Father's Day. It seems like for years we either celebrate Father's Day early or late. I truly don't remember the last time Dad was home on Father's Day. And I think some time during the years growing up, I'm okay with it. I'm fine with Dad missing out on the birthdays, the celebrations, the holidays, and more. Or I think I'm fine with it, most of the time.

When I got to class, someone I didn't know told me, "Happy Father's Day, Matt" and I sat in my chair wondering why she said that to me. In her own way she was acknowledging the things I do for Sarah is not just as a brother but as a father. But unintentionally, she made me wish she never have said that. Because truly, I do not want Sarah growing up with me acting as her brother, her Mom, and her Dad. Don't get me wrong, I love being Sarah's brother and I will do anything for her. And I know what I must do for Sarah now that Mom is in Heaven. But I truly wish that I won't be Sarah's brother and parents at the same time. Because I know how much Sarah will hurt because of that in the future. Some things are inevitable and I hope this isn't one of 'em.

Guess I'm just missing my parents this Friday before Father's Day.

Love you, Dad, please be safe wherever you are and come home soon.

Love you, Mama, and miss you so much. Sarah's growing up so fast. You'd be so proud of her.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Week of June 13th, 2010

Once again, I'm going to apologize to you guys. I told myself last week that I was going to try and write more this week but guess that never happened. Still very busy, stressed, and all that jazz. I did finish Vince Flynn's Term Limits so there may be a book review post fairly soon. Don't have too much expectations for me though, I hate to let you guys down.

Maybe it was the stress but I've found myself this past week swearing a lot. My Grandma kept reminding me not to be a potty mouth around Sarah. She said that her littler ears and brain and remember everything I say, so watch my mouth. I tried and a lot of the times, it failed.

And just like that, I discover a new song that simply covers everything. Rather funny/interesting song if you ask me. Join me this week and listen to Kevin Fowler's Pound Sign (#?*!)

I feel like #?*!...Don't give a blank and a whole lotta other choice words I can't say...Today I feel like #?*!
Ha what interesting lyrics.

Hopefully Sarah won't grow up a potty mouth just like her brother.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Week of June 6th, 2010

First off, sorry to my readers that I haven't written anything interesting lately and it's been a week since my last blog post. I just have been extremely busy with school and life I haven't got the time to write as much as I'd like. Hopefully things will settle down soon and I will have more time to write.

Last night, Grandparents and I went out to a buffet with some friends that were in town. We talked, laugh, and overall had a good time. By the time we left the place 3 hours later, I'm sure all our stomach was extremely full. We then had a Wii party for another 2 hours. Had an amazing night.

Guess from all the recent activities, I fell asleep and don't remember going to bed. I had a dream about Mom (details I already forget about) and woke up in cold sweat. And I sat there, thinking about Mom and couldn't fall back asleep. So I sat there, thinking about Mom and cried.

That little Matt inside of me is crying and begging for someone to bring Mom back. To bring my Mama back. And I constantly wonder when I will stop asking for that. When will I realize that bringing Mom back is not possible. And that I will have to wait till I see her on the other side. And that...seems like an eternity.

I'll see you on the other side...
Sometimes it seems I don't have a prayer
Let the weather take me anywhere
But I know I wanna go
Where the streets are gold
Cause you'll be there

Join me this week and listen to George Strait's You'll Be There. I know I want to go where the streets are gold and I hope that Mama will be there waiting for me one day. But that day can't come soon enough. I love you Mama.