Saturday, October 31, 2009

Outta There!

I woke up this morning thinking of someone I miss dearly. I remember when Sean first asked me "when can we leave?" and that look on his face was just priceless. So upon packing up some of my things and leaving the hospital, I couldn't help but think of that little guy. And likewise for the rest of the day, I just couldn't stop thinking of that little man.

After Mom picked me up and dropped me off back at the house, I didn't stay long before I went off to run errands. The house felt different, my room, the car, and even Dosh felt different (even though she was extremely glad to see me) but then, they also did when I got out of rehab. You wouldn't believe how much things you missed while you're in the hospital and when you get discharged, you tend to lose track or time, date, and so much more. It's as if you're in a coma or something, you just can't seem to keep up.

I liked the weather though, getting the nice cold weather I'm hoping for and of course, snow. Ain't this weather just great? Can't wait till I catch some fresh powder and grab some big air.

I didn't realize how much errands I had to do. I was out the entire day and didn't get home till late at night. Don't think I realized just how much more baby stuff we need. (Though I did find a nice cool site with everything you'll need, called They got everything, literally, good place. Just might have to start ordering from there from now on) Mom is still thinking up a name while telling me what to pick up for the baby and what she'll need in a bag all ready to go just in case the baby decides to pop out of her early. (That bag now sits in my backseat, everything Mom ever need it for her hospital stay)

And while the day is busy and the hours are short, I still couldn't help but think of Sean. It's one of those days when everything I do reminds me of him. Every one and every thing I hear reminds me of the little man. And yes, I wish he's still here, running errands with me, or even just sit in the car and laugh our butts off at nothing.

I can't get myself to look at a picture of Sean. I can't get myself to listen to songs that reminds me of him. I can't even get myself to order Sean's favorite food. I miss the little guy, a lot more than usual today and while talking to my aunt (who is now back overseas to finish up her tour), I found out that we were both thinking about Sean today and as she cried over Skype, I couldn't get myself to. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing but I can't cry, but my heart sure aches like no tomorrow. I miss the man, our jokes, our laughs, and our serious time.

I talked to my aunt for a few after that on Skype. We talked about how thing are going around the house and she said she's excited for Mom to have the baby too. I don't think any of us is looking to replace Sean, but a new addition to our life would also be nice.

Here's something my aunt wrote, she gave me permission to share it with everyone and in hopes that Sean will read it like he did before.

We miss you buddy, very much.

Hey Lil Man,

It's 0200 and I can't sleep. With PT in just a few hours, I am trying not to hear my thoughts, but that didn't work. I miss you so much, your way of touching my face, your sweet kisses, the face you made when your nose tickled and the way you said "Mama, not my nose!!" I remember how I had told you one day that every time your nose tickled it was because I wanted to kiss would even get mad at me when it just wouldn't stop annoying you. I miss your dino kisses. I miss your voice when you said my name, when you said "Mama, I just like you more better" I miss your dimples, no one can smile like you do. I miss your attitude, I miss hearing you say that you are the boss of stuff...

I am sorry for so much baby. I am sorry you had to got through it all and alone without me or your Daddy there. I am sorry I didn't let you go to school, I am sorry you didn't get to see the ocean and the ranch one more time. I am sorry you didn't get to see me or your Daddy one more time. I am sorry I couldn't hold you when you were hurting. I am sorry we couldn't make you better. I am sorry finger phones don't work in Heaven...

I look around this place sometimes, I just stand there and see everything that reminds me of you. HUMVEEs, pictures...I want to hug you...I can't hug memories.

I need you to help me out lil man. I need strength so I can be a good soldier. I know I am not doing the best job right now...I need you to remind me to smile, over and over again...I need you to tell me it will be okay because today more than ever since you died, I just want to hold you tight and never let go... I just can't do it without you ...

I love you
Your Mama, forever and ever...


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