Constantly Waiting

It's late.
I'm in the hospital cuz of this bugger Pneumonia. I'm bored, completely miserable and feels like I'm dying.
It's times like this I realize I'm waiting for something.

Constantly.

I'm waiting for people.
The true friends and family.
That ain't avoiding or ignoring my existence.
That won't avoid the topic of my health or my sanity.
That won't ignore my call/text.
That won't find excuses.

It's been a long time since anyone would just call/IM/Skype/text just to say hi, check in, and chat. Excuses everywhere. There is now a wall shielding me from the world. And a large sign behind me that states:

AVOID AT ALL COST

I wonder if anyone will miss me and talk about me when I'm dead and gone.
I wonder what they'd say.
Or maybe it won't matter at all.

Maybe I don't have any friends. Just acquaintances, souls floating outside of the shield.
Maybe.

Making the Best of This Week

I ran into good friend today while sitting in the coffee shop. He saw me and remembered about the accident. After few awkward seconds, he asked me how I was doing. I was sure he knew that it's that time of year again and with a slow reply, I told him, "Just making the best of this week."

And it have prove to be a lot harder than I thought.

Four years ago, my life changed. Four years ago today, I had no clue what was going to happen. All I had was football on my mind.

Six months ago, I lost Mom to cancer. On Monday of next week, it's her birthday. Instead of celebrating a birthday, I am celebrating her life and at the same time, mine.

But trust me, this ain't easy at all. Not $*%^ing easy at all.

A week before, on a Sunday, one of Mom's best friend came to town for a business trip. We were able to meet up several times during the week and a half she was here. Yesterday, we hung out for majority of the day. She treated me to lunch and also dinner. She came to see the house and got to meet Sarah. We talked about a lot of things, from my education to the house and even technology. (She had just bought an iPad and asked me to help her set it up) We talked about Sarah, about Dosh, and of course, about Mom.

She told me a lot of things that I didn't knew and some, I didn't want to know. I think in way she believes talking about Mom will help me heal. But reality, too much information and stories only does more damage than good. But I didn't say anything but listened. I heard about Mom's adventures while she was in school, about how she was always the most studious and at the same time the biggest party animal around. She talked about Mom's love for Dad, for Sarah and for me.

"Your Mama loves you more than life itself, Matt. Remember that."
I remember. That's why I miss her so damn much.

After awhile, she asked me how I was doing. She wanted me to know that Mom would have been proud of any decisions I made. I lied to her and told her I was doing ok. That I have been busy with classes and chores around the house I didn't have time to think. Truth was, everything I did reminded me of my old life. Everything I did made me miss Mom. And every moment made me wish that Mom is here and what I would do to take her place.

I remember years ago, when talking to one of my doctors (who also have SCI) awhile ago, he told me at 3 years of being a SCI, I still am a "kid" and when I am at my 30th year, things will really come into place. I smiled and didn't say a thing. Truth was, I couldn't see myself at 30th year, I could hardly see myself in 10 years.

On the ride home, I told Mom about the conversation. She pulled over the car and told me, "Honey I already am very proud of you. You pulled through in the hospital and now you're pulling through every day. Three years or 30 years, no matter what, I know you'll do well and I will forever be proud of you."

I hope that's still true. Because worse thing in the world is to disappoint Mom.

There's too much emotions going on and I do not know how to control it or deal with it at all. The spasms and neuro pains have been bothering me so much I can't shake the fact that I am a SCI, not even in my dreams. I miss Mom like never before and wish she was here so we can celebrate her birthday on Monday. This is one of those times when everything in the world come crashing down. And I am about to break.

I hope I can hold on, for Sarah's sake.
I hope I can make the best of the rest of this week.

I miss you, Mama. Sarah does too. Please help us go through this week. Your birthday isn't the same without you. Every day isn't the same without you. I love you, Mama.

She Misses Her Too

After hours of trying to put Sarah to bed, I finally got her to fall asleep.

I was so sure that Sarah was full of excitement because she stood up by herself today. She grabbed onto my wheel and with a push, she stood up. All on her own. I was (and still am) proud of her. She's growing up so fast and exploring the world around her.

So when she sat in my lap and didn't fell asleep, I thought she was just still too excited to sleep. I didn't think Sarah would miss Mom. I just didn't even think that was possible.

Or maybe I was naïve.

As a last resort I played one of the bedtime stories that Mom had recorded and I put Sarah right in my parents bed and lay right next to her. Within minutes, she felt asleep.

I guess she just needed to hear Mom's voice and be in my parents bed.
I didn't think Sarah would know Mom when she only knew Mom for 4 some months.
I didn't think Sarah would remember Mom.
I didn't think Sarah would miss Mom.

But I was wrong.
She misses her too.

She misses you too Mama. She's missing you too.
I love you, Mama.

When does This Grieve End?!

For the past nights, my mind and myself have been sinking into a deeper hole. This ain't me and this ain't how I want to act but I can't get myself out of this hole.

During the day when I'm out and about, I'm usually fine. Maybe because I'm busy focusing my days ahead or maybe I'm digging a deeper hole than I am realizing.

At night is when the mind moves and the memories slowly become taunting images and flashbacks like there's no tomorrow.

I heard a friend talking to her Mom. Her voice and the way she talks to her Mom reminded me of myself years ago. I can see it in my mind the younger me talking to Mom with a smile. I can hear Mom's gentle voice, I can hear her laugh. But it's all #*%&ing memories. I find myself full of of hate and at times tears filled eyes because of the things I couldn't do. The full hatred for cancer, for myself, and for whoever is responsible for putting cancer on this planet. I physically hurt and can feel the massive pain. Why is this a daily struggle, I'm not sure but I hate it. I miss my Mom, my hero, the one who brought me to this planet.

I'm sick of crying.

I often sit in Skype calls with my friends and not speak of any words. I listen while friends wondered why I don't ever talk. I listen more often because while hearing their laughs and conversation, my imagination grows as if everything's normal and that there is no one trouble in the world. But at the same time, listening hurts like no other. Simply because I know some laughter are there to cover the pain. We all have our own pains but in ways we all pretend laughing it off will solve everything.

God I sound *%^&ing emo.

Someone once told me, "you cover it so well, but I can see and hear your pain through your laughter, your words, and that 'smile' of yours. I wish I can do something for you Matt, please take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself."

Is it that *%^&ing obvious.

I like Skyping or hearing her talk. Because she speaks so freely and she reminds me so much of Mom and Nicole. I like IMing or texting her because her personality shines through like no other. Of everything, she reminds me of Mom. And in ways it brings comfort and in ways in bring pain of the empty bedroom down the hallway. I hear her and it's like hearing Mom again.

What I would do to really hear Mom's voice again. What I would do to see her making breakfast or for the chance for me to make breakfast for her. What I would give to hold her hands and hug her once more.

When does this grieve end, someone please tell me.
I am so sick of crying and grieving.

Mama, help, please.
I need help, Mama.

I'm Crying for Love

Climbed into my parents' vehicles and made sure it still runs.
I found letters addressing to me, Dad, and Sarah. It brought me to tears but at the same time, I hope there are more letters elsewhere.

I'm crying for love.
God I miss her, I love you Mama.

The Tears Behind the Smile

I, am messed up. I can't think straight and I can't see straight. It's hard for me to find the motivation to do homework/assignments. I am messed up.

It took me months to finally admit that out loud, that I am truly messed up and I am truly not okay. And it took me even more time to finally decide go to talk to the school counselor. Thinking and hoping that they know the people that can help me. Because really, I am messed up.

I talked to the counselor for hours. I cried when I told her about Dad and I bawled when I told her about Mom and Sarah. She didn't say much, though, and parts of me felt like I wasted my time because the things she said, you can probably read it on one of those For Dummies book. She said that eventually, I'll come to accept the fact that Mom is no longer with us. Eventually she said and ya...eventually.

I wonder when that'll be.

Last night, I had a long talk over Skype with Ashlet, good friend of mine living in Hawaii. I didn't tell her everything that's going on in my heart but I broke down in front of her. I cried and sobbed because I missed Mom and the thought of "this just ain't fair" ran through my mind over and over again.

I told her my busy schedule of taking care of Sarah, high school, and college classes. I told her how lost I am in the world and wish that someone would just tell me what to do so I wouldn't have to think about it. I told her the frustration I have trying to decide whether or not Oatmeal Cereal or Rice Cereal is best for Sarah. I told her one of many reasons I can't go live with my Grandparents is because I am not ready. I am not ready to see where Mom lays every time I get back on the Ranch. Maybe in the future I will be able to but right now, I can't. I am not ready. I am not ready because my mind is still playing a trick on me, constantly.

There are just too many decisions I must make within the next couple months that are going to impact me for the rest of my life. And truly I don't know what to do. I got accepted to Kentucky, Ohio State, Texas A&M, and Florida. But as I read 'em acceptance letters, I hurt. I hurt because Mom isn't here sitting next to me reading the letters with me. I hurt because she isn't squeezing me tight in her bear hug as she tell me how proud she is of me. I hurt because I got into the schools I wanted to play football for. I hurt because I don't know what to do.

Even after the amount of times I called Sarah a whiny little $*%#^ I love her. I love her because she is my sister. I love her because she is part of Mom. And that is all I have left of Mom right now. I love her so much I do not want to ever leave her behind. Everything I do now is because of her and for her. And if Dad was here, I would be doing the same for Dad too. Because I do NOT want 'em to feel alone nor do I want to leave 'em behind. Ever.

Graduation is less than a month away. I already have college acceptance letters waiting for me. And I don't even know which schools I want to go to or if I should go to college. Going to college was a huge dream of mine. To be on my own would be amazing. To be dependent on my own and maybe Dosh would be freaking awesome. And my parents would agree, they wanted to kick me out as soon as possible.

But we never thought Mom would get sick. She did and now she's gone. That plan is different now. Leaving for college is different now. With Dad gone a lot of the times, Sarah would be alone. And when Dad is home, they would be alone, trying to fight through the days without Mom. Going to college is different now. I can't just leave for college without thinking about Sarah and Dad. People tell me there's relatives, my Grandparents, or even friends that would be there for Dad and Sarah when I'm gone. True but they don't live the life. They hear about it and feel for us. We are feeling it.

I am an Army Brat, I was taught at a young age to never leave anyone behind. I can still remember running laps with one of my classmates because he was the last one finishing up the mile. I ran with him even though people voiced their opinions. I did it because I don't leave anyone behind. And I am not about to leave anyone behind now. Especially not Dad or Sarah.

And going away to college, to me, is leaving Sarah and Dad behind. It's not the same when I can only visit 'em whenever I have break. And I know I will not be able to focus on schools miles away thinking about Dad and Sarah. I do not want to fail out of college nor do I want it on my record.

Going to live with a relative or Grandparents would mean leaving Dad behind. It'll mean that when Dad gets home from work, the house would be empty. It would mean that he would be living on his own or who knows, maybe he'll go back to the barracks. Dad is already dealing with work and the loss of his best friend, I don't think leaving him alone would be such a good idea. At all.

So you see, I don't know about college. I don't knwo what I'm doing to do, and truly, I can't even see straight or think straight. I just want Dad and Sarah to be okay and I sure as hell is going to do whatever I can to make sure they will be okay or at least have someone there for 'em when they are not.

I am in the middle of making one of the biggest decision in my life. Inside me I am FUBAR but I put on a smile for my friends and those that run into me. Inside though, that's a whole different story.

I love you Mama and we miss you terribly.
I love you Dad, please take care of yourself at work and come home soon.
I love you Sarah, even if all you do is cry, sleep, eat, and poop.

When Families Grieve

I just spend an hour crying with Sarah on my lap.

I sat with Sarah and cried while Sarah tried to cheer me up by just being herself.

Tonight was PBS's premiere of When Families Grieve and initially I didn't want to watch this show. I knew it was too soon to be watching things like this and watching it would be a horrible idea. But for some reason, I DVR it. I didn't want to watch it in the first place, but I DVR it.

And like the elephant in the room. I watched the entire episode tonight.

Let me first say that PBS did a great job putting this show together. This is one of the reason that I love Sesame Street and PBS. They will get the information and put it in an amazing way through words you can understand. But that doesn't mean it didn't make me cry.

Not even two minutes into the show, I started crying. Sitting along in the house with Sarah, I cried through the show. In some ways, I know I'm not alone but in another, I am. I wonder, "How many 19 year olds lose their Mom to cancer then have to care for his 5 months old sister while his Dad is away?" But I guess that's life?

I watched the show with Sarah knowing that she wouldn't understand. But she surprised me and stared at the TV till she passed out on my lap. Maybe she knew all along, I don't know. I just wish Dad was here to watch this show with me. Because watching and listening to the parents talk, I was starting to understand what the parents (and in ways Dad) deal with when they're are grieving and what they do after their best friend dies. And well, I know Dad deals with more. And I don't know how he does it but I guess that's Dad for you.

There were a lot of things talked about on the show that seems great for someone going through a grieving process. But to me, it's kind of crazy for me to practice the process. But truly, in ways, I am trying to pertain that into my life. With Dad working and Sarah at such a young age, it's going to be difficult. And with Sarah and my age at such a big difference, it's going to be difficult. But I will try and am trying.

In the episode Katie Couric said that when her husband (Jay) died, she had all his friends write about Jay. And on Jay's birthday, she would read the letters/stories to her daughters. That, is something I will do, starting tomorrow. I'm going to ask everyone who knew Mom to write something about her. So when Sarah is older, I can read it to her and let Sarah know all about Mom and how amazing Mom really is.

This is going to be a difficult process. But hopefully, I will find some way to make everything better, not only for myself, but for Sarah and Dad too. Thank you for everyone's support during this process, this is going to be a long and non-accessible road but hey, there will always be places that are not accessible.

You can find more about When Families Grieve on PBS

Follows Us Like a Well-trained Animal

Mom liked Army Wives.

I never really understood the reason why she liked this show and watch it weekly but she would always tell me that it's the "drama and the crazy life that Hollywood thinks we're living" Guess she likes that side of Hollywood.

Yesterday was the season premiere of Army Wives and early in the afternoon, I went to the living room to set the DVR. Dad didn't say a word as I set up the DVR to record the entire season. We just kind of stood there in silence for a couple minutes before Dad said, "Your Mom would like that."

"I know she would, Dad." I told him.

There's an elephant in the room. And its name is Death. This elephant follows us around constantly like a well-trained animal. But we don't want this animal here, we just want to be left alone.

So last night, even with the recorder on, Dad and I sat down to watch Army Wives on Lifetime. We have two couches but for some reason, Dad and I sat on the same one. We sat on neither side of the couch and left the middle seat empty. I don't know why we did that but I guess we left the middle seat for Mom. Maybe she's was with us yesterday. Or maybe we were just hoping she would come rushing into the door at any minute, jump on the couch and yell, "GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING, RIGHT NOW!"

But we both knew Mama wouldn't come. Even if she did came, we couldn't see or feel her.

We sat there for the hour, didn't say a word and just watched the season premiere. In my head I could hear Mom's tears from watching this show. I could hear her gasping at the drama. I could hear her squealing at how "cute" some of these soldiers are. But I didn't want to hear 'em in my head. For once, I miss Mom's commentary when we watch Army Wives together. I miss the "oh my, cover my eyes, quick" or the "ohhh they're getting it on, man I wish your Dad was home." or even the "Pamla is so cute!" and other commentaries. I miss the quick and sudden squeeze that Mom gives me during the show and yes, I miss the squeals she makes when she watches this show.

I miss a lot of things right now. And wouldn't if Mama was here.

After the show, Dad turned the TV off and stood up. Said he's going out back for a smoke and well, went to cry in the backyard. Dosh and I went into my room as Dad sat out in the back and cried for nearly two hours. We sat in the silence house and heard the tears drop from a grown man's face. I wanted to be there for Dad and even if we sat there in silence, I wanted to make sure he knows I was there.

But instead, he screamed at me with his Army voice, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU I WAS SMOKING?! GET BACK IN SIDE AND WATCH SARAH." and well, I obeyed. I obeyed because I knew that was an order. I obeyed because I was scared. Scared not of Dad's voice but scared of losing him to grief.

Mama, please tell Dad it's going to be ok. Somehow.

It was a weird day yesterday. The elephant in the room seem to have got bigger and just pinned Dad and I to our separate corners. It was a weird Sunday and I'm sure there'll be more days like this. And it's these kind of days that cut into our hearts like no other.

I recorded yesterday's episode for you Mama. I'll visit in a couple days, this 3-day weekend. We can watch Army Wives together then I'll tell you all about Prom, Mama, and about school, classes, Sarah, Nicole, Dad, and everything else you'd like to know. I'm sure you'd like that. I miss you, Mama, I love you and I'll see you soon.

So I Cried. So I Chuckled.

Thank you again to those who send their condolences. Truly, thank you.

Someone I know but never met before and I got talking today. She told me, "I know you're hurting...I'm a Mom, I worry." And she is right, I am hurting. And I will for a long time. People tell me I should put myself first, that Sarah and Dad will be ok and I should most definitely take care of myself first.

But I can't, I don't know why I can't. I just can't. I HAVE to make sure that Dad and Sarah are okay. Especially Sarah. And if that means putting myself aside, so be it.

So yes, I am hurting. I laugh, I smile, I chuckle, and I joke. But I am hurting. Like something is nibbling at my heart and it hurts like a bitch.

Earlier, Sarah woke up crying and I knew she was hungry. After I fed her and put her back to bed, I went back into my room and continued reading Wired For War while listening to the radio. And out of nowhere, a song by country classic artist Patty Loveless came on the radio.

Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same.

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?

Time is too long, Mama, even if it eases our pain. I don't want to say goodbye Mama. I don't want to hurt, but I am. I don't want to cry, but I am. If you can hold me like you did before, please do. But please, I don't want to say goodbye.

Didn't take long for the song to make me cry...so I cried.

So with tears in my eyes, I checked my email. I checked my Google Reader and saw today's Cyanide&Happiness.

Didn't take long for the comic to make me chuckle...so I chuckled.

I'm sure this is Mom's doing, because only she can make me cry then make me chuckle within the matter of minutes.

Time is too long, Mama, even if it eases our pain. I don't want to say goodbye Mama. I don't want to hurt, but I am. I don't want to cry, but I am. If you can hold me like you did before, please do. But please, I don't want to say goodbye.

I love you Mama.

"Death is a gift to something better."

First off, sorry for not being extremely talkitive lately. Sorry to those whom I kept giving hints to what's going on in my life but ever truly said what's going on. I know when people does that to me, it frustrates the hell out of me. So really, sorry. And sorry for sounding rude, irritated, pissed, bitchy, and so forth and so forth to anyone over IM, phone, online, or on Twitter. There's just a lot of stress going on right now and well, guess subconsciously that's how I deal with stress. By sounding rude, irritated, pissed, bitchy, and so on. A lot of things have happened for the last couple months and to the request (or maybe demand) of both of my parents, I restrained myself from posting any blog or tweet about what's been going on. But now...I need to write, maybe it'll make me feel bits better, maybe...

We buried Mom last week. My Grandparents, Sarah, and I were with Mom and Dad was on his way home. I could tell that Mom was waiting for Dad but she just couldn't. She had an appointment with God and just couldn't be late. I tried to reach Dad as soon as I could. I really did. Maybe I should have tried earlier. Dad and Mom wouldn't be hurting so bad. Dad was on his way home when Mom left for Heaven. I think because of that, Dad is hurting more than we all are.

Mom was diagnosed with Glioblastoma (GBM) mid-February. Because the stage we discovered this cancer, my parents decided not to operate ("one of the most difficult decisions we ever had to make, honey, but we should be thankful for the time we have together.") GBM is the most common and deadly brain tumor and like other forms of cancer, there is no cure. Mom never stopped fighting, though. Even when she was told there was nothing anyone can do, she asked about the possibility of doing both chemotherapy and radiation therapy. She even asked about current clinical trials for GBM because "it may cure cancer one day, honey." She truly believed that through her pain, she can help find a cure.

When Mom first started treatment, Dad wanted her to quit her job and stay with my Grandparents. My Grandparents live fairly close to Scott&White Hospital so Dad thought it'd be good for Mom to get treatment there. Mom refused and said she ain't quitting her job nor is she going to leave us alone by ourselves.

"Two grown men with a baby in the house and no one to take care of you two, you two will go nuts!" she told us.

She continued working till weeks before she passed away, she never missed a beat at work or at home. She kept telling us, "Nothing, NOTHING will ever stop me from being with my family, not even cancer."

She went to the Anniversary trip with Dad then met up with Nicole and me at Ohio State. And despite her pain and me telling her I'd like to stay and take care of her, Mom insisted that I go to the George Strait/Reba concert. She told me to enjoy the concert and just enjoy the time with Nicole. She would keep telling me, "it's your birthday gift, honey, don't ruin it." And while in North Carolina, I asked Mom if I can go home early so I can take care of her. She refused, "if you come home, I'll disown you."

Stubborn, ain't she.

One long weekend, Mom and I flew to Florida to enjoy the weather and visit University of Florida. If you're wondering why I didn't visit Miami, I got a rejection letter from Miami. Mom was more excited than I was, "Hey I'm in Miami! Just like Michael Westen and Fiona!" She went to the Spa like I had planned and caught my evil plan. "I knew there was a reason why you're sending me to the Spa, so you can go to the [shooting] range! Evil!" Guess Mama knew all along. After lunch that day, Mom was really sick and even that, she insisted we leave Miami as we planned, at 1500.

We left Miami at 1459. Precision, Mama, and I love you for that.

We got to Gainesville 3 hours later than we planned because of the pit stops we had to take. But trust me, she didn't go down without a fight. Even with the pain, she kept telling me NOT to make pit stops because we need to get to Gainsville on time like we planned. "If you keep stopping, I swear."

You're so stubborn, Mama.

The night we got to Gainesville, she was so sick she passed out as soon as we got to our room. I held her hand and told her to rest because we got loads to do in Gainesville in the morning. She scared me that night, she looked so peaceful, I thought I lost her. But she opened one of her eyes and told me, "I love you baby, go buy you something to eat."

How she knew, I don't know. Must be a Mom thing.

We got a call from Dad next morning. He told us he's got work soon and he most likely won't be home by the time we get home. And without a word, Mom grabbed the phone from me and talked to Dad for hours. They talked as if they were two teenagers in love. Mom reminded me, "I'm not that old! Still young!" We had a worry-free day that day. We laughed and laughed, it was as if she wasn't sick. She took me out to TGI Friday's after we toured University of Florida. I told her during dinner, "I have a good feeling about this place, Mama." She told me, "Me too." and smiled at me like she never did before.

What I would give right now just to see her smile again.

Mom never missed a beat. She would remind me to brush my teeth and nag at me when I was "slower than the worms". She made me dinner, fed Sarah, took us out to dinner, and still have time to make sure she gets treatment done.

A month or so before she passed away, it was no doubt that she can no longer go to work. She was simply in too much pain. I can still remember Mom crying when she quit her job. She cried and said, "Oh my goodness I'm so happy I'm unemployed! I've always wanted to do this!"

Silly Mama.

During all the days without Dad, there was no doubt in my mind Mom was in more pain than she was letting out. She didn't have to tell me she was hurting, I could see the pain on her face, the fear in her eyes, and the numerous tears that ran down her face. But, "Your Mama's fighting." she would say to me. "Mama's fighting so I can be with you babies just a bit longer."

I know, Mama. Thank you.

On Friday before Spring Break, out of the blues Mom said let's go to Grandparents. She said we can visit University of Oklahoma before going to Grandparents'. Then we can all visit College Station together. I didn't question why or how come on a such short notice, I just rushed home after school. I packed up my stuff, helped Mom packed up Sarah's stuff, and just drove. On the road, Mom and I sang to the songs on the radio, told funny stories, and took turns changing Sarah's diapers. Time seemed to slow down, Mom was back to her normal self again and this cancer thing never happened. She told me stories from when she was younger, from when she and Dad was dating (arg...) and stories of her college life I have never heard of. It was like knowing Mom for the very first time.

I love staying at my Grandparents'. Just being around horses and at the Ranch makes me smile. And it makes Mom smile too. In ways, I think it was making her feel better more than any of the medications ever will. She would gather the strength to go out and watch me ride. She would gather up the strength to get up early in the morning to feed the cattle and horses. We would talk for hours just sitting by the barn. Just me and Mama.

On Monday, my Grandparents, Mom, Sarah, and I drove to College Station. Mom showed me the entire school all on her own and being the proud alumni, she told me I must attend this school simply because "this place rules."

That night, she slept with Sarah and said we were her most precious gift, "next to your Dad of course." She smiled and told me stories from when I was young. She told me the things I used to do as a kid and laughed at my innocence. "You were so cute." she would say to me. We laughed. We smiled. And the night seem to last forever.

Mom took a turn for the worse next morning. Laying in bed she had the strength to tell me the many chores I must take care of. She told me to never forget to brush my teeth and made sure Sarah will be taken care of. She made sure I will take care of myself. She told me she's proud of me for graduating high school and that she's sorry she can't make it to graduation like she would like. But she ensured me, "I will be there. I'm not missing my baby's graduation." She told me how much she misses Dad but knows he's coming home.

We said our temporary goodbyes to the most awesome woman I know. Dad got there couple hours later. He ran into the room and started bawling. I have never seen Dad cry before, let alone straight out bawling over Mom's peaceful body. He was bawling, truly bawling because he just lost the love of his life, his best friend, and he didn't even have a chance to say goodbye.

I'm sorry Dad. I'm sorry I didn't try to reach you sooner. I am really sorry.

We buried her in her favorite part of the Ranch, left her some notes, and said our prayers. We thanked God for bringing her to our lives and asked Him to take care of her in Heaven. We drove home that afternoon and got home around noon the following day. The drive home was one of the longest drive, ever. A strange silence filled the car. Driving down was full of laughter with Mom and on the way home, dead silence.

Several miles from home, we got a message from Mom. Funny how even when she's not here, she wants us to know what she's okay and (hopefully) we will be too.

There was no particular reason why we drove home so early. There was no particular reason why I went back to school yesterday. There was no particular reason why Dad decided to take two weeks of emergency leave instead of a month like everyone suggested. In ways we just want to "get away" and "stay busy". In ways, we just want something to do so we don't sit around the house thinking about what happened. So we don't have to think about losing Mom. Dad and I both know that to start this long journey without Mom, we'll need to take our first step, some how. Even if it means crying in your own bed for hours hoping no one in the world could hear you. I cried every night since we got home. I miss Mom terribly.

And as I read the words, "I know sweetie" I cried harder than I did before. I miss Mama and I am sick of crying.

There's a lot to think about right now, for both Dad and myself. We're not all sure what's going to happen. I don't know what my future holds nor does Dad. We don't because we lost a structure in our lives. We lost Mom. But I trust Dad and his decisions/plans, he always knows what to do to make things better.

I have never thought I would lose Mom so early. They said parents aren't supposed to bury their children. But children aren't supposed to bury their parents either, not at this age. Not at my age. Not at Sarah's age.

Mom told me once, "never, ever, give into Death and always see Death as a gift to something better." I'm not sure how losing Mom was a gift but you know what they say. "Mama's always right."

Life is a journey and this is only a temporary goodbye.
It's not goodbye, Mama, it's see you later.
I love you, Mama.
I love you.

Happy Birthday Buddy

In the mist of current events and the busy life between home and school, I never would have thought I would forget Sean's birthday. But...I guess I did. Sorry kiddo

Up till now. When Nicole, her parents, and I are all chilling in the living room, with the TV on and talking about random thing, out of nowhere, I remembered. Tomorrow is February 27th, Sean's birthday.

He would have been 6 years old.

And thinking about his laughs make me smile. Thinking about his pain makes me thank God that Sean is no longer suffering. That somewhere up in Heaven, Sean is having the time of his life. Making friends, having fun, and so much more. But how I wish of the instead. How I wish that Sean is with us today so he can blow out 6 candles just as he blew out 5 candles the year before. How I wish he is here tonight asking for rides on my chair. How I wish to hear his laugh and chuckle as he ask me, "Wheelies? Cousin Matty?" Of course, buddy, wheelies, always.

As I think about Sean, I thought about my Uncle and Aunt. They both have been out of touch with us but I don't blame 'em. Between deployments and fighting this emotional war, I understand why they zone out from the rest of the family. They simply need time. But time, may not be the medicine they need to feel better. Sean, their son, is what they both need. And how I wish I can bring Sean back.

Because the world isn't the same without this little guy. The world will never be the same without the people we love.

Nicole and I were thinking about going to watch a movie tomorrow. We were even thinking of driving hours to the beach and just enjoy hanging out with each other. But I think, instead we're going to drive up to Duke Children's and see if we can bring some smiles to the cancer ward.

We can't hear Sean laugh and chuckle but I believe Sean would want to make sure all his fellow warriors are smiling and laughing everyday. ESPECIALLY on his birthday.

Happy birthday buddy.
Happy birthday.

We're All Hurting

I've never been a fan of silence. When the room is too quiet, I tend to listen to music or TV. Even if I'm not watching the show or the movie, I just like the background noise.

I went to pick up my Aunt and Uncle this evening. The drive there was strange, reminds me of the days I'd drive up in the dark nights to go see Sean. It reminded me of the nights I'd sit in my room wondering if I should drive up to the hospital just to see Sean. Makes me wonder if the school events I went to was worth it, if staying at home was worth it.

Was it?

Homecoming should be happy, should be joyful, full of hugs, kisses, and happy tears. It sure is different today. I saw my Uncle and Aunt, both in uniform, being thanked by strangers for doing what they do. And on their faces, I can see the sadness and urge to see Sean again. I gave 'em both a hug and went on towards the car. There was no words, none at all as we got in the car. I didn't ask how their flight as, if they are hungry, tired, I didn't. Because somehow, I knew all their answer would be "okay"

The trip was an half an hour drive and well it felt like hours. There was a cold silent in the car, a silent I didn't dare to break. It was one of the strangest drive, ever.

"Sure is nice to be stateside." My Uncle said and nothing more.

There still wasn't anything being said once we get home. I got stuff ready so my Aunt/Uncle can settle in. While Mom and Aunt cooked, my Uncle and I sat there and flip through the channels of the TV. Even through dinner, there was a strange silence.

I was told to do my homework that the adults will take over what's needed to be done. I didn't argue, though I had no mind to do my homework or write my college essays. I had no intend of doing any homework anytime soon but I didn't argue. Went into my room and sat at my desk, staring at my homework and wondering a lot about life and beyond.

I heard my Uncle said that he's going out for a smoke. And out of nowhere, I heard a cry. My Uncle's a Marine, he's a typical jarhead, tough, rough, and no emotion, ever. And there I was, sitting in my room, hearing my Uncle cry right outside my window.

I know he'll never admit this incident, I know I may never physically see him crying anywhere, but I know, we're all hurting.

Sean, buddy, see, your parents are home. They miss you and I'm sure they are proud of you. We all are.

Update:
Sean's always been a fan of my grandparents ranch down in Texas. After much discussion, Sean's parents have decided to cremate Sean's body then spread his ashes at the ranch. Sean's a huge fan of horses and love to be around 'em. I think it's this a good decision and fully support Sean's parents for it.

The memorial service will be tomorrow and it will be small and private. Since on such short notice, Sean's parents understand if there are family members that can not make it to the service. After the cremation ceremony, Sean's parents will be flying out to my grandparents' ranch to spread the ashes. They encourage everyone to be thinking of their love ones not only tomorrow but every single day, to know that life is precious and family is precious.

For family members and friends who like to support. Sean's parents wish for all to support their local children hospitals or St. Jude's in their fight to beat childhood cancer.

After all, all children should live carefree.

Side note:
We're all thankful for the support that our friends have given us. Thank you all for continuing to offer to help, your kind words, and more. Since Sean's parents leave only last a few days, please do not contact 'em in any way. We all just wish to put Sean in his resting place and slowly, move on with our lives. All inquires please contact me, my information can be found on the right side of the blog. Thank you all very much, we can't thank you all enough.

We'll Miss You and We Already Are

I once asked Sean if he can have one wish, just one, what would he wish for. He sat on my lap laughing and picking out all sorts of things from being a superhero to being just like his Dad, a Marine. From meeting a Transformer to being "all grown up" and as I told him he could only have one. He giggled and told me. "Three!" and I smile and told him, "Ok three" We had just finished watching Aladdin, and I'm sure that's where he got the three from

I said a wish. Sean says Three.

I wonder if Sean knew it all along. I wonder if he wanted to fight long enough to see his parents again. I wonder about a lot of things right now...

It's been a long journey, for all of us. And I think Sean knows it more than any of us do. I think he already knew when things started to go downhill. It's still a dream to me. Nothing seems normal at this point.

The new spot on brain, cancer cells is CSF, small lesion turns into tumor, then more tumors, seizures. Make-a-wish (or rather, three), more seizures, stats are dropping, need oxygen, catheter, morphine, Ativan, phenobarbital, Codeine, Zofran, Visteril, Morphine, more morphine. Nothing seems normal anymore.

The scared look on his face made all of us scared. He's just skin and bones, fighting for his last breath, mumbled "Mama" and "Daddy"

He fought till he couldn't no more.

I never thought I would hear those words about my 5 year old cousin. He's 5, for fucking sakes, 5. But after this morning, the words will forever be in my heart and mind. He's gone. Sean fought until the last painful breath. I'm not going to lie and tell everyone how peaceful he was. Because it was NOTHING peaceful about it. Sean was like a fish out of the water, trying so hard to breathe, but nothing.

When he started having a hard time breathing I went to get Mom. I sat on the side of the bed as Mom climbed in, we started talking to him. We told him that everything will be okay and that soon, very soon, his Mom and Dad will be home. We told him how proud we were of him and how much proud both of his parents are. I told him to say Hi to God and Jesus for me. I told him that there are a lot of brave soldier and marines waiting for him. That he will be safe and okay. Mom told him he wouldn't hurt anymore. I told him good night, I told him I loved him and Mom did the same.

We took off his shirt so we could touch him (Mom said that he could feel us and we needed to feel him...) Mom put her hand on his chest. Told me she could feel his heart beat. Then it slowed down. We weren't there to hear his first heartbeat but we felt his last one.

He fought as long as he could, he fought hard in hopes to see his parents again. He fought till he couldn't no more.

I miss the little guy. My bond with Sean is indescribable. I mean, I know we're not supposed to pick favorites but out of all the cousins in the family, I got to say I like Sean the most. There's just something about him, I don't know, something special about him. We're roughly 13 years apart and really, you'd think we'd be farther apart. But he was like my own little brother. At two years old, he of all people climbed onto my hospital bed (after I got hurt), smiled and hid his face right in my arms. He taught me with smile and laughter, there's nothing you can't conquer. That smile, that joy is something I can never and will never forget.

His body lay peacefully in the bed and we know he's already in Heaven, enjoying the Sun, the clouds, and many years of no pain and worries. As Grandpa (and many others) have told me before, "It's never goodbye, it's see you later."

See you later buddy, don't forget us.
Run, play, have no worries.
We'll miss you, and we already are.

Thank you to everyone who's been there for me and my family. Thank you for the emails and the Tweets (not to mention DMs) asking how Mom and I are doing. We are, well, as well as we can be at this point. We are both sad that Sean's gone but know he is no longer in pain. And with the end of this precious life, we know soon that our family will be joined by another. Maybe this is God's plan all along, or at least I think it is.

A lot of things (as far as funerals and flowers go) are, of course, still up to my Aunt and Uncle. We manage to get a word out to my Aunt and Uncle and well, at this point, we're not sure when either of 'em will be back in the states or how long their leave will be. Either way, we're here too help 'em with any thing they need.

For those who would like to help, I think Mom and I couldn't agree more the best way is to help others who are currently fighting this disease. Hospitals and organizations like St. Jude's Children Research Hospital, Cure Childhood Cancer, and Cure Search really help with the cause of finding a cure. This is a horrible disease and monster, one that no kid like Sean should ever need to fight.

I truly hope that one day, kids like Sean can grow up thinking about their favorite cartoon rather than how many more rounds of Chemotherapy they need to go through just to survive.

To all the brave little warriors out there, I salute you.
To all the families, I salute you.
To Sean, you'll always be my favorite. But don't tell anyone, they'll be jealous.

Rest well and play well buddy, you deserve it.

Talk the Walk and Walk the Talk

It is about 2210 over here in California, just finished watching the last couple football games and well, mostly done with the packing. Got a couple more hours before I leave for the airport, ain't really tired so here goes a blog.

The service went well and the eulogy I wrote was, I guess, alright. Had people chuckling and laughing at points, guess it turned out ok. (I wrote something about laughing at funerals on Woofer. You can read it here. If you don't know what Woofer is, it's a Macroblogging site that looks just like Twitter. It's basically Twitter but you need to write AT LEAST 1400 characters. It's a pretty cool service, for when you just really need to write and then post it on Twitter. Also check out Squeaker, a Nanoblogging site. Let's you post something in EXACTLY 14 characters)

There were a lot of people there at the service. Most of them I didn't know until I was introduced. In fact, most people there that I knew all knew me before my accident. I think K and her family were the only one that really knew about my injury. So, ya you can probably guess it, majority of the discussions during the reception (I'm calling it that because it wasn't really a wake, we didn't go to their house after the funeral) was about me and the chair. To this day, I still find it strange. What's strange? People.

It tends to be older adults that points and talk about me at the same time. It tends to be older adults that gossip and talk about the chair behind my back (though quite loud, I can hear 'em talking all over the place). And it tends to be older adults that shushes younger kids to not mess with me simply because it's "rude" (they might as well say, "don't do that to the cripple man.") Why, well I still don't know.

Most of my friends were, to say the least, shocked. I don't blame 'em at all. Like a lot of 'em said, I was the "crazy kid who just wants to play football and join the Army, nothing else." There were loads of awkward silence (guess people just don't know what to say sometimes) but after I buffered the situation with jokes and funny things since the accident (and show 'em a couple wheelies) they were cool about it. Hopefully they are true friends that will continue to keep in touch despite this "news" about my injury. (Might sound silly to some of you but I did have "friends" that just weren't my friends anymore after they found out I got hurt. Whether it's fear or something, I don't know but it happens, I guess)

Skylawn Memorial Park

Anyways, overall the service was good. Loads of people there to comfort and be there for K and her family. K said it best, "It is during hardships of life we find out who our true family and friends are." I sure hope I did a good job being there for the family and being her friend. And for some reason, I have a feeling this friendship is going to last a life time.

I'll update more on the trip on the flight home. Tomorrow's Mom's birthday, got loads planned (won't tell until later on because I found out Mom reads my blog...) so stay tuned for that.

And...can't forget football! :)
Note: Winning teams are in bold

Ole Miss at South Carolina, 16-10

Michigan vs Indiana, 36-33
LSU at Mississippi State, 30-26

Air Force vs San Diego State, 26-14

Texas vs UTEP, 64-7

Cal at Oregon, 42-3
Ohio St vs Illinois, 30-0
Alabama vs Arkansas, 35-7
Maryland vs Rutgers, 34-13
Navy vs Western Kentucky, 38-22
Virginia Military Institute at Richmond, 33-28
Miami (FL) at Virginia Tech, 31-7

Florida at Kentucky, 41-7

Army at Iowa State, 31-10
Texas A&M vs UAB, 56-19

Washington at Stanford, 34-14

USC vs Washington State, 27-6
Texas Tech at Houston, 29-28

Side note: Crazy week for college football, SO many top schools lost! What the hell is going on?! Glad Navy and Air Force won though. Army was the only one that lost :( What the hell guys?!

They're Our Heroes.

I think...

Often times, we don't think enough. Often times people don't realize the words they say can majorly affect the people around them. Sometimes people don't realize things doesn't need to be said and people just know.

This is a rant and a personal opinion, I hope no one will get offended by it.

Living a life, you know people and things all die. You know that when it comes our time, people die. And being in the military, unfortunately it's one of those "occupational hazard" that comes with the job. Here's what I pisses me off. The people who repeatedly tell you how many troops died on what day. The people who repeatedly tell you what branch they're from and where the unit was.

Do they not consider the fact that some of us have deployed parents and family even friends over there? Do they not consider the worry, the thoughts and more that a simple "7 troops killed in Afghan" can do to the rest of us? Do they not realize how many hearts were stopped for that minute hoping and praying that it's not someone they know. Do they not realize that some of us don't get the news and hearing it on fucking Twitter isn't exactly a fun day at the beach.

That, pisses me off.

Yes it's true we should always remember the fallen, the ones that are willing to sacrifice their life so we at home can get the rights and freedom we all deserve. It's true that we should remember them but by repeating it, it does more harm, more hurt, and more worries than you think it does.

Maybe this is why I don't watch the news. To hear the people say it once and fucking forget it. To hear the people who say it once and move onto something else. But when it's right in your face, it fucking pisses you off and make you want to beat the shit out of someone. Maybe that's why I don't watch the news and try not to let Sean read what's going on Twitter. He may be 5 but he's smart and having him ask me, "Did Mommy or Daddy die?" that breaks my heart.

That brings me to another thing, the people who say they support our troops. They show it online, show it to others but deep inside they don't mean shit. The people that get on Twitter and type in a simple #militarymon or #honorvets and don't even think twice. It's just Monday and we'll just fucking copy and paste the hash mark and some name after it. The people who flood Twitter just to get their point across.

True honor, true support, comes from the heart. True support comes from simple task, saying that gets the message across. True support only need to be say once and it'll be remembered forever. Thank the people who served and who are serving, shake their hand, write a letter, say a true thank you and know it in your heart and thoughts.

It's like my grandfather always say, "You say enough 'sorry' then it's just another word. Don't use any word too often or else it loses its meaning." Think about what you're saying online and what you say in person. There's a major difference.

And fucking please think of the families that are truly suffering because they lost someone they love and know. Honor them through your hearts and don't advise them like they're an item.

Because they're not.
They're a person, they're our siblings, parents, children, friends.
They're our heroes.

Some things...just don't happen twice.

When you're part of the military life, sometimes...you wonder to yourself if the idea of "getting used to death" make you sound like a lifeless, inconsiderate fool. Death is part of life and unfortunately, it always sits in the back of your mind when you are (in any ways) related to the military. Death is part of life and when you've been to that many funerals, that many memorial serves as I have, in some ways, you become numb and lifeless. And when breaking down is no longer part of you, you wonder if you can ever break down again and you doubt you can. Until you do and it completely surprises you.

But that's Death many of us don't have to see first hand. That's Death we hear about after it passes. But what do you do when you are staring at Death right in the eye. What do you do when you are watching Death do its tormenting work on the ones you know and love?

Would you still be numb as when someone says, "On behalf of the President of the United States and a grateful nation..." Would you still be the one that tries to hold off tears as the bagpipes slowly moves away? Would your hands still shake from the sound of the rifles firing their 21-gun salute?

Me? I sat by Sean completely numb just like I did years ago attending my cousin's funeral at Arlington Cemetery. I sat there in his hospital room last night hearing him cry and beg for the pain to stop. I sat there, and like a fool, I finally realized that some things...just don't happen twice.

My parents and I, we're a country family. We're big on Country music from Johnny Cash to George Strait, from Toby Keith to Willie Nelson and that much more. It was Mom's idea to release the stress of moving to attend CMA Festival this year, since the Army have placed us in the home-state of County music. For years we've only watched it on TV and for years...I've dream to attend the biggest country party, ever. And when the day I held the 4-day pass in my lap...holy cow, I could faint from lack of breathing.

And I still am short breathed...for the couple hours I was down there in Nashville, it was amazing, the party, the music, the people. I couldn't ask for more. But some things...only happen once. Some things like life. And last night, at 2230, a little 5 year old taught me more than I can ever teach him.

And today, I am reminded of that lesson, not by Sean but my friends. Since the beginning of my blogging "career" and Twittering "management" I've met a lot of wonderful people. People like Tucker, Heidi, and Mom made my every day reading their blog and Twitter page. And just like that, I've made friends from "strangers". I learn from them as I learn from my parents and I laugh with them as if they're my friends.

Today, I give credit to my friend, LopsidedMom and her good friend Annie for reminding me that some things...just don't happen twice. Annie was diagnosed with Leiomyosarcoma early June of 2008. As I read about her condition getting worse, I pray for the best. I prayed for her and I prayed for Sean. And somehow, without thinking, I called my friend and offered him my 4-Day pass to CMA Festival.

As much as I love Country music, as much as I want to party my ass off for four days. I gave the pass away. Because of Sean, because of LopsidedMom and because of Annie, I realized what's important at hand. I realized that Sean needs me now more than I need the Festival.

Sean, with his 5 year old body and 100 year old spirit, is fighting with Death. And while I can't do anything to help the fight, I sit by his bed wishing I can do more. I sit by his bed watching Death tormenting my 5 year old cousin and once again...feel as helpless as the day I learned about the insurgents that killed my cousin.

But for now I will watch Death torment Sean. But at the same time, I am cherishing life by hanging out with Sean, by holding Sean when he's in pain and crying and more. Because, really, Sean needs me more than I need the Festival. Because, really, some things just don't happen twice.

Thanks to Mr. Kenny Chesney for that awesome line. Sorry I'm going to miss you and the closing ceremony at the CMA Festival this year but really my cousin needs me.

Make Each Day Your Best

Sitting next to my cousin's hospital bed at 0100 hours, I realized, once again, how fragile life can be. With his curiosity and a 5-year old's mind, he asked, "Am I gonna die, Matt?"

And such little words almost had me break down right in front of him. I don't even remember how I reassured him, but I did. I told him that everything will be alright and soon the doctors will make him feel better. I didn't know what else to say, it felt as if I was standing right in front of St. Pete and he asked me the one question that I can not answer.

This morning Sean seemed to be doing quite well. He ate all of his breakfast and loved going out with me to the PX and love picking out things we need around the house. I guess good things never last long, shortly after lunch, he started tearing up and crying for his parents.

And just like that...I saw myself in him. I saw myself asking and wondering where Dad is and why he's gone all the time. I know how it feels and just can't imagine what Sean is going through with both of his parents gone. After an hour of trying, I sat him down on my lap and slowly taught him to type "I love you Mommy and Daddy" from my keyboard. I even made a promise to him that tomorrow, he can make something and we'll mail it out to his Dad on Monday.

And that somewhat brought a smile to his face. "I wanna give this to Daddy." he said pointing at his action figures. I grinned and began to wonder if that was how I was when I was his age. One minute crying another smiling and full of excitement of sending Dad something over the mail.

During dinner, Sean couldn't stop laughing and making jokes to Mom and I. And somehow "HOLY COW!" have become his favorite words. I think it was one of the best dinner we've had, ever, we just couldn't stop laughing.

Just as the laughter continued, Sean dropped his fork and started seizing. Mom and I acted quick, with her holding Sean and me getting the car ready. I don't think I ever get in my car that fast and I don't remember last time I drove this fast to the hospital.

After some tests, the doctor said it was reaction from the tumors and he might have to stay in the hospital for awhile to do more test and maybe even more intense chemotherapy and radiation. After we were told the news, I volunteered to stay in the hospital with Sean and told Mom to go home and rest. I guess in a time of chaos...at least one of us need to stay sane, somehow...

And just like that, one question had me thinking about life. "Am I gonna die, Matt?" It's when I got hurt I realized how fragile life can be and within minutes everything can be taken away from you. And with what happened tonight, I was reminded yet again that life is nothing to be skipping out on and truly, make every moment last and make each day your best day.

Now it's 0130 and Sean woke up, asking what I'm doing, where are we, and if we can go home. I guess it's time for me to explain why we can't, at least not now. How do I tell a 5 year old, once again that he's got cancer and somehow everything will be alright.

And I'm sure this 5 year old got more to teach me than I can teach him. When you're old enough to read and understand this, Sean, I'm proud of you buddy and thank you.

Of all the things that can kill you

It's funny of all the things in nature that can kill you, especially on the job of the military life. Of all things, the irony hits close to home again when a SpecOps soldier collapsed and died. Not because he was on the job, or because of he was deployed, simply "a cardiac event"

Talk about irony.

It's funny in a way that people say there are dangerous things out there in the world that can kill you. From violence to wars but people don't worry about their own bodies. Simple things you can do everyday that will make you live longer and people tend to ignore it and look at the big picture like violence or wars.

What's wrong with that picture?

Though I never met the man, I knew this couldn't be a good news coming from a 25-year old SSG. Just 25 years old...and a cardiac problem. Really...we all need to take better care of ourselves and expect the unexpected. RIP SSG.

God Speed

Parts of the article:
SpecOps soldier dies while running marathon
The Associated Press
Posted : Monday Apr 27, 2009 7:03:11 EDT
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Army officials say a runner who collapsed and died after at the Country Music Marathon was a special operations aviation soldier based at Fort Campbell, Ky.

The army said in news release Sunday the runner was Staff Sgt. Benjamin “Levi” Pigman, a 25-year-old native of Hamilton, Mont.

Pigman collapsed Saturday after he completed the half-marathon at the event. He was treated at the scene and then transported to Nashville General Hospital, where he died, the release said.

Bruce Herring, president of Elite Racing, said Saturday the runner died of a “sudden cardiac event.”

You can read the full article here.