Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Transition and Square One

Blog Going Under Construction!

This is a small heads up that there are going to be some changes around here.

1. Regular blogging (when I feel like it) will continue to be posted here on WordPress. Eventually the entire blog is going to be transferred to Blogger.

2. Before that transition can happen, I want to make sure I can make a petty sweet new blog as a tester. (Which will eventually turn into my personal website- if it turns out well, if not, it'll just continue to be a blog or many blogs)

So the picture perfect situation would be things turn out well and I have an entire website divided into sections for different blog/rantings of mine on top of other contents.

That probably won't happen so it'll most likely just different links to Blogspot for different blogs/rants (of course, they'll be links to 'em on the main blog- posts transferred from here)

If you're wondering what the tester is going to be about, it'll be of movies/products reviews and well, probably other reviews if I can think of more. But overall, it's going to be a reviews blog, and yes I already have a name for it. I'll most likely stick with the name but who knows I might change it.

3. More blogs/rants will be added, on the count that the website works, if not, well I probably won't have multiple blogs and just stick with my normal one and the reviews one.

If you have a website or a blog that you think it's pretty cool and would love to share how you put it up, please let me know. If you got any good ideas or suggestions, also let me know. Even if you think you're blog isn't cool looking at all, don't doubt yourself, if you're on my Blogroll to the right, you're already cool. So, please, I will take all the comments/suggestions/help I can get.

This isn't some small project I'm doing. This is going to be huge and most likely complicated project. In fact, my goal is to have the end-product so impressive, it's going to be good enough to pass this blog writing tradition onto further generations. So they too, can write about their thoughts and dreams and share it with the world.

So really, don't be shy on the comments (on here or catch me on Twitter), suggestions, and so forth, I will take all that you can dish out at me.

Thanks in advance.

Another thing to add that's got nothing to do with the previous announcement. I saw Avatar today, in 3D. I must say overall, I was glad the way they made it into a 3D movie, it wasn't obnoxious (in ways that it pops out in your face) so that made me some what happy about the way it was filmed. (There will be a more formal movie review later on over at Knuckles Reviews)

Avatar theatrical release poster

What made me think and got me wondering (I still am by the way, it's been almost 9 hours since I left the theater and I haven't stop thinking about it since and truth be told, it's making me depressed. But I can't stop thinking about it) about a lot of stuff.

The movie have many themes and truly if you think about it, it's like a layer of themes. Right off the bat someone can tell you there are two major things they can tell by watching this movie.

The last one...is something that no stranger on the street would thought of. The last theme can most likely come close to you if you know what it's like. If you seen the movie, you should know the few quotes that Jake Sully (the main character) said:

"Sooner or later, though, you always have to wake up."

"I don't know who I am anymore."

"Everything is backwards now, like out there is the true world and in here is the dream."

After watching Avatar, it's making me think and rather, I feel so connect to this movie on a personal level, it's making me hurt, a lot. And it's bringing back the conflicts I have put aside for years.

The number of times I wanted to fall asleep faster so I can dream of a world without my troubles. The number of times I wake up and getting slammed in the face with reality. It's a conflict...a major conflict.

Even with movies like Avatar that can capture my daily conflicts, it doesn't help me solve it. Because there is no Pandora and being an Avatar, is impossible.

"Sooner or later, though, you always have to wake up."

Waking up never seem so scary and pointless...

Am I back in Square One?
I think so...no...
I know so.

Friday, December 25, 2009

I Don't Know What To Do

There's been some family drama lately so I haven't been in the mood for writing. But right now, I'm kind of not sure what to do with my life.

As I have mentioned in my other blog entry I've applied to 7 universities. They are in no particular order or why I picked the schools. (Other than the fact that they are all football schools and the programs they offer)

There are the schools I applied to again.
1. Oklahoma
2. Oho State
3. Texas A&M/Kentucky
4. Maryland
5. Florida
6. UMiami

Back then, when I was applying to schools, I had my heart on being an OT (Occupational Therapist) I wanted to help people who are in my situation. I wanted to teach 'em what I learn from rehab and also what I learn from living in the real world.

So...not exactly sure how everything works, I asked my OT and PT if I can see what they do and see if they got any advice for me. It was nice of 'em to let me shadow 'em for two hours as I see what they do on a daily basis and also answered my question.

It was a great experience and truly glad I ask 'em about everything. When I heard "you may not be working directly with SCI, it might be something else, say TBI or something like that."

I wasn't happy when I heard that. I don't got anything against other injuries and truly would love to help others to get back to the "normal" life as my OT/PT once did. I truly would love to work with people with SCI. By the time I finish my undergrad program, the Master program, I'll have a lot of experience living as a SCI. I think it's a great way to help the people who just got SCI.

But when I heard the possibility (huge one also) of not being able to work with people with SCI, first thought that came to my mind. "If I can't work with people with SCI, then what's the point?"

So at this point in my life...I'm thinking...what do I do now? Should I keep pursuit Kinesiology and then on to do OT work? Or should I just forget this plan and move onto the other?

I applied to the schools base on Kinesiology, so if I decide not to go with Kinesiology, am I well fucked? (sorry for the colorful language)

What do I do? Should I change my plans? What am I going to do?

I've been thinking of talking to my parents about this subject but with the drama going on, I'm not sure if I'll ever do that until things just settles down.

But as of now, the plans probably are going to change. And as of now, this is the new plan. Unless I can think of something. Or I guess I'm just going to work at McDonald's for the rest of my life.

Plan A: Criminology and History (Double Major or Majoring/Minoring)
Plan B: Aerospace/Electrical/Mechanical Engineering (Just one Engineering, in that order of choice)
Plan C: Economics and Finance (Double Major or Majoring/Minoring)

I don't know what to do with my life...maybe I am going to flip burgers for the rest of my life...

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Scaring the Shit Out of Me

I'm in a writing mood so this is going to be a long blog. Don't worry about reading it if you don't feel like it. I just feel like writing.

When you're a kid, I think you tend to enjoy the story told by other people, especially by your grandparents. I don't know about anyone else but I sure love listening to my grandparents' stories. There's just something about their stories (maybe because they are grandparents? Haha) that would capture my mind every single time, no matter how many times they repeat it.

As technology got better by the year, I tried to teach my Grandparents what I know about computers, emails, phones, and so on in hopes that I can bring 'em joy to learning new things as they bring me joy for telling me about the past. They love the idea of today's phones and ability to call anyone in the world within minutes. (As my Great-Grandpa tells it "PHONES?! PHONES?! WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, YOU RUN TO THE PERSON'S HOUSE TO TALK TO 'EM! PHONES, HA, WHAT A JOKE!")

But when it comes computers and emails, I guess they're not ready to learn these new technologies yet. My Grandparents still don't know how to turn ON the computer let along USE one to get online, use Skype, and other good programs the computer offers. Guess it's going to be awhile before they catch on to this new idea. (You should hear my Grandpa rant about how he knew the M3 Stuart like the back of his own hands, now "this machine...this horrible machine!" haha :P)

There is a reason behind all my madness. If I can get my Grandparents to use the computer, there would be less money spend on say...postage (though I must say getting snail mail is still pretty cool) or even phone bills (Thank you Skype!) And with the amount of times we move around, emails and say text? (haha, can't wait till I have to explain that to my Grandparents) would be easier to communicate. But guess we'll just have to wait till that happens.

So, my Grandparents tends to just call us when they wish to talk. I don't mind that, I love talking to my Grandparents (even if it means staying on the phone for hours) but when they start going into story mode, that's usually when I put everything down to listen to what they have to say. (Telephone stories ain't better than stories live but hey, better than no stories!)

And that's how it was on Monday (December 7th) and I'm sure many of you already know which day it was. As President FDR said it man years ago, December 7th is "A Date Which Will Live in Infamy" Now my Grandparents didn't know each other when the attack on Pearl Harbor happened, but they sure got some nice story to tell. So for hours, my Grandparents each told their own story as if they were right in the house with us. And if you can believe it or not, the stories still captured my mind and full attention.

I think it's a skill, to be able to tell stories through the phone and still have everyone flabbergasted, ya it takes skills.

Sure makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to tell stories like my Grandparents. And also makes me wonder if Sarah will love their stories like I am now.


I have said it before, people give me more credit than I deserve in this life time. I'm not as smart as people think I am and I have done many things I regret. I have found that when people see my grades or test scores, they assume I am smart. They assume I get the materials that's taught by the teacher or every little things in life. Most of the time, I don't get it at all. A simple material needs to be reviewed by me many times before it finally register in my mind and that's just how I am, sorry if I throw you off.

What got me wonder the most is when people ask me "are you trying to convince me you don't get this? are you trying to say you're really that stupid?" It seem to be one of the popular questions of this semester. I truly don't know how to answer that one but, "yes I guess I am really that stupid."

Guys, I'm not as smart as you think I am and if that means give me less credit, please do so. My grades...I work my butt off for 'em. My scores, study for hours to get the score I want. I truly am a lot less than what people give me credit for. I'm not born smart or with a talent, I just work my butt off every time.


I think ever since Sean's passing, cancer's been a touchy subject for a lot of us. A difficult enough thing for us to deal with even if it's just on TV. (During Thanksgiving, as soon as we saw a commercial about cancer, we would switch the channel just to avoid hearing it) It's not that we don't wish to talk about Sean and how great of a person he was, but really, this subject is just something we as a family try to avoid.

But it's the when you least expect it, it hits you the hardest. Going through my Favorites on Twitter one night, I saw a tweet of me and Sean making caricature designs. And as I clicked on Sean's design I froze. Because that design is now a perfect world thing.

In a perfect world, Sean would still be alive.
In a perfect world, that family would not be missing a wonderful son and little boy.
In a perfect world, kids like Sean wouldn't have to suffer.
In a perfect world, shit like this just don't happen.

I sure miss the little guy. Every day, little things I do reminds me of him. The weather, the cars, homework, everything. And boy, what I would do to see him again. Maybe play a little football, race around the block, or just hang out like we used to, I'd do anything to see the little guy again. And I'm sure everyone is feeling the same thing, especially Sean's parents.

Forth and last:

Awhile ago, I wrote something about Dreams and Nightmares. The dreams (nightmares, whatever you want to call 'em) haven't stopped. And somehow, my brain is playing 'em like a movie and a broken record.

Someone once DM me on Twitter and asked me if I ever thought of maybe having PTSD. I told her "No" because these little things I go through is nothing compare to what my Dad or other people gone through. I don't need help, they need help because they deserve it. That person told me, "This is about you, no one else in the world, it's about you."

Maybe she's right.

This morning, Mom asked me if I was doing ok and truly ok. She told me she's concerned about me and there are a few things that she just can't keep ignoring. I don't know why I lied to her but I told her I'm fine. I didn't correct myself or told her sorry that I lied. I lied straight to my Mother's face and she accepted the lie.

I'm changing and it's scaring the shit out of me. It's making my parents worry. And worse, it's making me lose many friends I've made.

Tonight will mark the third time someone tell me (both online and in person) "You make no sense." Truth is...I know I make no sense. I don't make sense to myself. I'm changing to someone I'm not familiar with and it's scaring the shit out of me. This isn't the person I grew up with and know. This ain't me at all.

I'm changing and it's scaring the shit out of me.

Saturday, December 12, 2009


I've said before that football is constantly a bitter sweet moment for me. I've said before that when I see other people in both football and JROTC uniforms, I get jealous of 'em. I've said before that when I see/hear people talking about joining the military or their new journey through the military makes me happy and at the same time, feel pain behind all measures. I'll try to steer away from that topic today to mention something powerful and amazing.

And that, is the power of Brotherhood.

Today's the Army and Navy game. It's a game that I have been watching since I can remember. It's a game that all the families of two very different branches come together in the battle to see who is best. It's the day you'll hear people screaming GO ARMY and GO NAVY, all day. If you saw the game today, you'll remember what one man said. "For once, two good guys come together and fight."

1944 Army Navy Game

And you would also remember what another man said, "After this game, both teams come together in brotherhood." And that is truly what makes this Army and Navy game so great. People came from all over the nation, from different nationalities, to come and serve their country. They thought about playing football but most importantly, they thought about serving their country. And it is with each of their dedication that makes this yearly fight so nerve wracking.

At the end of the day, no matter if you're an Army fan or a Navy fan, I think everyone can agree with me the gratitude we have for not only the players but for everyone who went above and beyond the call of duty. At a time when others are unsure of their future, these Cadets and Midshipmen already knew what they wanted: serving their country. At the time other college students may be sleeping and slacking off, they are up and at it with their day and studies.

No matter how bad they tease each other. No matter the amount of Squid jokes or the Grunt jokes, they know that together, we serve a country greater than ourselves. They fight not only on the football field but together for freedom, for this great country, and ultimately, for the Brotherhood.

And that...sure make me feel damn proud to not only be an American but part of the greatest family in the word: The United States Armed Forces family.

Good game, Army.
Good game, Navy.
To the Brotherhood. HOOAH!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Can't Always Have What You Want

I'm on the flight home from California. A friend had a ballet performance of The Nutcracker so I thought I come out to CA to support her. I must say though I'm not a fan of shows like that, she did great. I'm extremely proud of her and I'm glad I made the trip out just to see her perform.

Now, as I am slowly flying out of California and working my way towards the Nevada border, I'm thinking of a lot of things that we want that we may not be able to get.

When we are young, the candy at the store seems like the best things to have. And even after we build up the courage to ask our parents, they tend to say no. And trying to get them to say yes, we cry, whine, and more. But that doesn't seem to work either. So thus, we end up crying our heads off when we leave the store.

We can't always have what we like and what we want.

As we get older and able to provide for ourselves, we try to full fill all the wants in our lives. Maybe your child wants a Transformer for Christmas. Maybe your husband wants a new XBOX and the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. Maybe you want that iPhone or Droid you've been hearing so much about. And most of the time, those who can provide for themselves and their family do full fill every one's wants. (Maybe not every day, maybe say once a year, during Christmas)

But there are also times that you wish you can have something or even someone but sure it will never happen. It's as if you are sitting in your classroom, wishing that boy or girl would turn around and just notice you. Or even, that person will come out of their relationship to notice you, to see how much you are willing to provide for 'em just to make 'em happy .

We can't always have what we want.

I don't use the word "Love" very often. I hardly say it, I hardly type it, and I sure don't try to manipulate it into words like "ILY" or "ILYT". Love, like hate, is a strong emotion and I truly believe if used in the wrong context, you can hurt the person you are talking to. And worse, you may hurt yourself. Aside from my family, I try not to use the L word that often.

Nor do I believe that "Love" can be find without people meeting each other. Nor can a person fall for another without meeting and get to know the person. As technology gets better and better, I often laugh at the online dating sites that tend to sound so perfect for finding your "right match". Who wouldn't want to find their "right match" with just a few clicks? But is it truly possible? I don't believe it, not at all. Such thing couldn't have happen for two people who never met each other to suddenly "become the best match and live happily ever after" Can it? Is life truly like a fairy tale?

I don't believe it but why is this happening to me. I didn't know her a year ago. I have never met her, I've only met her online and talked to her through chat rooms and Skype. And now, 11 months later, I think I'm slowly falling for her. Seeing her name makes me happy. Hearing her voice makes me smile. Her words make me laugh, her personality shines through the screen. And every time I talk to her on Skype, all the troubles of my day seem to disappear.

I think of her often, even when I'm not on the computer I think of her name. When I don't talk to her, I hope and pray that she is ok and life is treating her well. Hearing her talk about her troubles makes my heart ache. Hearing her talk about her shitty day makes me wish there is something I can do to make it better. To make everything better.

We can't always have what we want.

And that is very true. As much as I'd like to get to know her better and truly get to know her, it will most likely not happen. She is having a relationship trouble her own and caught between the past with a former (also current?) boyfriend and looking into the future. I can't get myself to interrupt anything that will ruin her mindset and disrupt her. As much as I think I'm falling for her and would love to get to know her better, I just want her happy. Even if it makes my heart ache every time she talks about her relationship problems and troubles, I'll listen and hope that my words can some what cheer her up, my ears can some how release her worries and troubles. I just want her happy.

We can't always have what we want.
But I sure wish I can. I'm falling for her and I don't know what to do.

To this person: (who probably never reads my blog) I am falling for you. I ache with you when you ache, I'm sad with you when you're sad. And when you smile and laugh, it sure makes my day a whole lot better knowing that you are happy.

One night you talked about the man you are looking for and the things that you don't like in a man. As those words flow through my headphones, I ache knowing that I am that man that you are looking for. I ache knowing that I most likely will never have the chance to prove it to you. And most of all, I ache knowing that you are not happy. That though the past with him were great, you are looking for something and someone better.

I know that anything I am feeling now may just what other people call "small crush" and that this feeling leads to nothing but a dead end, but I am telling you now, I am falling for you.

Whatever happens, I wish you well, I wish you happy, and all the smiles are pure joy and not a cover for the hurt and pain that is within you.

We can't always have what we want.
But I'd sure love to have her.

Oregon v Oregon St, 37-33

USC v Arizona, 21-17
Alabama v Florida, 32-13 (GO BAMA!)

Cal at Washington, 42-10

Texas at Nebraska, 13-12 (Truly thought Texas would score more points against Nebraska, guess not they're not as good as we thought...)