Kingsley, Happiness, and Heartaches

I wrote this after visiting my friend Kingsley at the hospital. He’s currently fighting a cancer so rare; they don’t even have a name for it.

I don’t know how I would feel coming back to this place. Last time I was here, I saw my 5 year old cousin fought a war against brain cancer. Last time I was here, I saw him took his final breath as he proudly lay down his arms in this war. I didn’t know if it was the best for me or for Kingsley that I dropped by unannounced. I heard the news and had no other intentions but to pay him a visit and wish him well.

As I pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, memories flashed in my mind. I tried my best to block both the horrible and fund memories out of my head but it was useless. I saw myself and Cousin Sean going in this hospital and only I came out. I saw the tears in my family’s eyes as Sean fought his last few breaths here on Earth. It was that part of my life I just did not want to re-live.

I said a quick prayer before heading into the hospital. I was immediately greeted by a Drum Major. Then, realizing that was close to Halloween, I smiled at the Drum Major (one of the hospital staff that was sitting at the welcome desk) and went to grab a visitor’s badge. I truly didn’t know what to expect coming back here. Before heading to Kingsley’s room, I stopped by the bathroom and splashed my face with some cold water.

Everything felt surreal. I had no plans on coming back here any time soon and yet; here I am, visiting a dear friend.

I made my way up to the 7th floor and made my way to his room. I had no plans coming back here any time soon and here I am, rolling down the same hallway I did just a short year ago. Upon entering the room, I heard a weak, yet familiar voice.

“Hey dude, you made it.” Kingsley said to me.

I forced a smile and replied, “Hey.”

I didn’t know what to expect or how I’d feel. Last time I was here, my cousin was fighting a war against cancer. Last time I saw someone with cancer was Mom, her lifeless body sleeping peacefully in her old room. I couldn’t imagine Kingsley as sick as he was. In my mind, he was still the person filled with excitement and always out looking for something to do. Instead, what I saw, was a man swelled up from the chemotherapy and weak as a twig. There was an awkwardness between us and I think there was a big elephant in the room that neither of us wanted to talk about. Even though it was staring right into our eyes.

Kingsley and I caught each other up with both of our busy lives. I told him about what’s been going on and he did the same. As we talked, there was less awkwardness in between us, though we both did not wan to bring up just how cancer changed so many things in both of our lives.

Then Kingsley spoke, “Well…ya you know…” and with as much energy as he can, talked his hearts out. I have never known Kingsley for someone who will talk about his feelings or what he’s going through, but there he was, talking about the diagnosis, breaking the news to his parents and girlfriend, the treatment, and just how sick he feels on a day to day basis. I didn’t say anything but sat there and listened. Kingsley’s voice was sore as it can be and seem to give all his energy telling me just what’s going on.

I didn’t say much, just listened. It’s amazing what you can see and hear when you stop and listen.

Then Kingsley caught me off guard.

“Let’s play some Call of Duty, dude. Some friends lend me a PS3.”

We spend next couple hours playing Call of Duty. There weren’t many words as we geared up and the good old PS3. Despise the chemo and how weak he was, Kingsley pretty much kicked my ass. And like the Kingsley I know, threw some friendly competition words around.

I’m sitting here now, right by Kingsley’s bed as he just passed out cold from all the meds they’ve been given him. I still don’t how I should feel or the things I must do to keep Kingsley’s spirit in check. I’m just here as a friend and it is in the deepest part of my heart that I hope Kingsley can pull through this one. Kingsley’s a good friend and truly, I hope the best for him.

Kingsley’s up now…kind of surprised that I’m still here and asked if I’d like to have bucket duty.
Here we go.

I’ve visited Kingsley several times since the initial visit. He seems weak as ever and that somehow scares me more than usual. Seeing him struggling to pull up his own covers reminds me of how bad Mom got when she was sick. It reminded me a lot of things…and I am confronting them before I actually want to. But I’m here for a good friend; I’m here when no one else would even care. Just fighting through this together I guess.

Yesterday, I watched as they put a feeding tube in him. As the tube passed through the gastro reflex, the unspeakable came rushing out of his mouth, again, reminded me of Mom. Truly hope Kingsley will get the nutrition he needs ASAP. I plan to visit as often as I can. I know what support can do when someone is truly sick. There are just no words I can use to describe what's going on, simply because there is just too much going on.

On another note, Sarah’s first birthday is in two days. Both of my grandparents are coming to celebrate this milestone. It’s rather scary how fast time passed by and Sarah’s already one. I got her several gifts I know she’d like but at the same time, I wish I can give her one thing that I just can’t.

I’m dreading the day she opens her mouth and stare at me with those wondering eyes and ask, “Matty…where’s Mama? How come she’s not here? Does she not love me?”

I’m dreading it now, because I know that’s what she’s wondering about daily right now. She just don’t know how to put it in words.

And when she does ask, I wouldn’t know how to put it in words either.

I wrote this last night and slowly realize I haven't been happy in a long time. I laugh, sure. I smile, sure. But I haven't been happy in a long time. And as much as I'd like to fix that, I don't know how.

Relaxing on my parents' bed. Last time I was here, I was 5, snuggling with Mom while she told me jokes. We laughed and stayed in bed forever.

Now I sit here thinking of all the memories we made throughout the years.

Every time I see the sunrise, I remember sharing our ritual together. And I think of you.
Every time I hear our favorite song, I remember sharing a dance or singing a chorus together. And I think of you.
Every time I smell the items you once hold dear, I remember sharing stories and making memories. And I think of you.
Every time I touch your picture, I remember giving you a hug while you latch onto me forever. And I think of you.

My heart aches like no other tonight.
I'm just a little boy, asking for his Mama.

I miss you Mama.
Come visit soon.
http://www.twitlonger.com/show/6pjmsa

Cancer "Awareness"

This Monday, as soon as I got on campus, my attention got geared towards the sign they have around the trees. Turns out, this week is Breast Cancer Awareness/Memorial Week on campus. I read through the sign and sighed before going my way.

Even before class, I felt this anger, this strange pulse of frustration in me. I had to rant and out comes this message that I posted through Twitlonger.

This is a rant from the son of a cancer victim and I truly hope that people like @chemo_babe can understand my frustration. I am sorry if this rant frustrates or even anger you guys who are reading out there but someone have to say it.

This week is Breast Cancer Awareness/Memorial Week on campus. Though I am proud of all the awareness throughout the world for Breast Cancer, I am filled with sorrow and pain. If only ALL the cancer get this much awareness and "publicity" in the world. Then maybe, maybe, we can be THIS close to finding a cure to cancer. Not just Breast Cancer but CANCER.

Awareness is a powerful thing. But amongst the awareness I only see segregation. The "more men/women have this cancer so we must fund more research for this cancer" debate. The "no one ever heard of this cancer before so $*%^ having awareness" implications fill the air. Through the awareness, I see nothing but the ideas of separated but equal. As you all probably know, that does not go well whether it's regarding to race or cancer.

As the son of a victim of cancer, I feel massive pain. Beneath the awareness around the world, I see different organization trying to get more funds by pushing what cancer they wish to "cure". They have no care of other cancers around them and it's as if that cancer is the only one in the entire world. Again, separate but equal.

I understand that no one cancer react the same way to another. And like the flu, cancer affect everyone differently. But really, I am sure many can tell that there are more cancers than what is known to the mass population. How come people only hear about the few cancers? Awareness, "publicity". Separate but equal?

As I go around campus this week, I will truly be proud of the world for such awareness for Breast Cancer. But it is also in the deepest part of my heart that I hope one day, no one cancer gets more "publicity" than another. Brain Cancer, Ovarian Cancer, Pancreatic Cancer, Childhood Cancer and Colon Cancer all stand alike. We stand to find a cure. A cure to ALL cancers. Together and equal.

They say #beatcancer and not #beatbreastcancer or #beatpancreaticcancer

It's #beatcancer

Together, equal, we shall find a cure. #beatcancer

Dedicated to all those affected by cancer, any form of cancer.
Special shout out to Mom, we miss your smile and the way you brighten up a room. Some day, Mama, we'll #beatcancer I love you.

Matt

That's exactly how I felt. Frustrated.
Awareness have turned into an type of campaign ad. A way for companies to sell their product simply by putting a pink ribbon on something.

Really?!

I still feel very frustrated. It's something I wish I can change but know it's nearly impossible.

Talking with my Twitter friend @chemo_babe, she informed me that my rant was "really an important rant!" and truly, I'm glad she think so. I'm already getting a bunch of mail from anonymous telling me I did wrong. (Which brings me to another point, if you think I did wrong, at least have the guts to tell me who you are, not hide behind some anonymous mail)

Yesterday, @chemo_babe wrote a post on her blog about What Is Awareness, have a read and think about what you, as a consumer, is actually doing by buying things pink.

Every day this week, I went out to our secret spot, sat in my car and thought about Mom, about cancer, about life, and what's beyond it. I talked to Mom for the longest time, hoping that with the help of God and her, I can find peace in this crazy world.

Hopefully I can...sometimes soon.
Happy Friday, guys, hope you guys got fun things planned for the weekend.

Making the Best of This Week

I ran into good friend today while sitting in the coffee shop. He saw me and remembered about the accident. After few awkward seconds, he asked me how I was doing. I was sure he knew that it's that time of year again and with a slow reply, I told him, "Just making the best of this week."

And it have prove to be a lot harder than I thought.

Four years ago, my life changed. Four years ago today, I had no clue what was going to happen. All I had was football on my mind.

Six months ago, I lost Mom to cancer. On Monday of next week, it's her birthday. Instead of celebrating a birthday, I am celebrating her life and at the same time, mine.

But trust me, this ain't easy at all. Not $*%^ing easy at all.

A week before, on a Sunday, one of Mom's best friend came to town for a business trip. We were able to meet up several times during the week and a half she was here. Yesterday, we hung out for majority of the day. She treated me to lunch and also dinner. She came to see the house and got to meet Sarah. We talked about a lot of things, from my education to the house and even technology. (She had just bought an iPad and asked me to help her set it up) We talked about Sarah, about Dosh, and of course, about Mom.

She told me a lot of things that I didn't knew and some, I didn't want to know. I think in way she believes talking about Mom will help me heal. But reality, too much information and stories only does more damage than good. But I didn't say anything but listened. I heard about Mom's adventures while she was in school, about how she was always the most studious and at the same time the biggest party animal around. She talked about Mom's love for Dad, for Sarah and for me.

"Your Mama loves you more than life itself, Matt. Remember that."
I remember. That's why I miss her so damn much.

After awhile, she asked me how I was doing. She wanted me to know that Mom would have been proud of any decisions I made. I lied to her and told her I was doing ok. That I have been busy with classes and chores around the house I didn't have time to think. Truth was, everything I did reminded me of my old life. Everything I did made me miss Mom. And every moment made me wish that Mom is here and what I would do to take her place.

I remember years ago, when talking to one of my doctors (who also have SCI) awhile ago, he told me at 3 years of being a SCI, I still am a "kid" and when I am at my 30th year, things will really come into place. I smiled and didn't say a thing. Truth was, I couldn't see myself at 30th year, I could hardly see myself in 10 years.

On the ride home, I told Mom about the conversation. She pulled over the car and told me, "Honey I already am very proud of you. You pulled through in the hospital and now you're pulling through every day. Three years or 30 years, no matter what, I know you'll do well and I will forever be proud of you."

I hope that's still true. Because worse thing in the world is to disappoint Mom.

There's too much emotions going on and I do not know how to control it or deal with it at all. The spasms and neuro pains have been bothering me so much I can't shake the fact that I am a SCI, not even in my dreams. I miss Mom like never before and wish she was here so we can celebrate her birthday on Monday. This is one of those times when everything in the world come crashing down. And I am about to break.

I hope I can hold on, for Sarah's sake.
I hope I can make the best of the rest of this week.

I miss you, Mama. Sarah does too. Please help us go through this week. Your birthday isn't the same without you. Every day isn't the same without you. I love you, Mama.

When does This Grieve End?!

For the past nights, my mind and myself have been sinking into a deeper hole. This ain't me and this ain't how I want to act but I can't get myself out of this hole.

During the day when I'm out and about, I'm usually fine. Maybe because I'm busy focusing my days ahead or maybe I'm digging a deeper hole than I am realizing.

At night is when the mind moves and the memories slowly become taunting images and flashbacks like there's no tomorrow.

I heard a friend talking to her Mom. Her voice and the way she talks to her Mom reminded me of myself years ago. I can see it in my mind the younger me talking to Mom with a smile. I can hear Mom's gentle voice, I can hear her laugh. But it's all #*%&ing memories. I find myself full of of hate and at times tears filled eyes because of the things I couldn't do. The full hatred for cancer, for myself, and for whoever is responsible for putting cancer on this planet. I physically hurt and can feel the massive pain. Why is this a daily struggle, I'm not sure but I hate it. I miss my Mom, my hero, the one who brought me to this planet.

I'm sick of crying.

I often sit in Skype calls with my friends and not speak of any words. I listen while friends wondered why I don't ever talk. I listen more often because while hearing their laughs and conversation, my imagination grows as if everything's normal and that there is no one trouble in the world. But at the same time, listening hurts like no other. Simply because I know some laughter are there to cover the pain. We all have our own pains but in ways we all pretend laughing it off will solve everything.

God I sound *%^&ing emo.

Someone once told me, "you cover it so well, but I can see and hear your pain through your laughter, your words, and that 'smile' of yours. I wish I can do something for you Matt, please take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself."

Is it that *%^&ing obvious.

I like Skyping or hearing her talk. Because she speaks so freely and she reminds me so much of Mom and Nicole. I like IMing or texting her because her personality shines through like no other. Of everything, she reminds me of Mom. And in ways it brings comfort and in ways in bring pain of the empty bedroom down the hallway. I hear her and it's like hearing Mom again.

What I would do to really hear Mom's voice again. What I would do to see her making breakfast or for the chance for me to make breakfast for her. What I would give to hold her hands and hug her once more.

When does this grieve end, someone please tell me.
I am so sick of crying and grieving.

Mama, help, please.
I need help, Mama.

Recent Events and With Strength and Unity

Last night I went to bed with a heavy heart. This morning, I woke up with a heavier heart.

My family and The Ts have been family friends for a long time. My parents knew the Ts before they got married and way before I was born. They had two kids, one boy, M and one girl, M and this past October, another boy, J joins the family. The Ts truly are old and good family friends.

Three years ago yesterday, M lost his fight with ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia) To celebrate and honor his life and him, I decided to treat The Ts to dinner. I brought some of M's favorite pizza to The T's home, we said grace, and had a fairly quiet meal together.

During dinner, we spoke a few words about M and his personal favorite pizza, Cheese. We spoke of M's words and what he used to say, "I'm sick but I like games so I'll be okay." I could already tell that The Ts didn't want to go on, not because they don't like talking about memories but because it hurts so much talking about their beloved son that was on his way to fighting off cancer and yet still lost.

Mrs. T then asked me about college. She asked me how my classes were and how I like 'em. I told her about my C++ professor and his analogy of programming to murder and Harry Potter. We smiled and decided that the professor is a weird one. Mr. T then told us about his very first programming professor and the way that professor like to intimate the students. And for the first time last night, we laughed.

After dinner, as J and Sarah play in the living room, M showed me videos of her recent musical play and major events that happened at her school last year. After those videos, M schooled through a bunch of older family films. She stopped at a video that her family and mine took years ago. As we continued to watch the video, I saw the younger me, years before my accident. I saw Mom talking to Mrs. T and I saw young M and M playing happily in the show. Mr. T broke the silence, "This was before he was diagnosed." and I nodded, I remember that trip like it was yesterday.

M, Mr. T, and myself didn't speak much after that. In the silence we tried to heal the pain of losing our loved ones to cancer but at the same time, we tried our best to remember and honor 'em. I gave M and Mrs. T a hug before I left their house. Mrs. T said a quiet "thank you" as he carried J in her arms. I looked up at her and said, "No, thank you." before giving M another hug and left the house.

After Mr. T helped me put Sarah in her car seat, we spoke a few words about dinner, about Mad Men and then let the silence flow through the air. To my surprise, Mr. T gave me a hug. I could tell he was holding back the tears and pain but for that couple seconds, we felt comfort through each others arms.

I pulled the car out of their driveway and sat there dead cold for a couple minutes. I held back the tears for as long as I can but as I drove home, I felt a stream of tears fell down my cheeks.

I put Sarah to bed and told her how much Mom, Dad, Dosh, and I love her. And sitting alone in my room, my heart ached like no other. I miss a lot of people in my life last night. I miss Mom and wish she was here. I miss M and wish he was with his parents and his little sister. Cancer truly sucks. I miss Dad and hope he's doing well and that he'd come home soon.

I had a lot of things I needed to do last night but I wasn't in the mood and decided against doing anything. I checked my email and went to bed early.

I went to bed with a heavy heart and I woke up with a heavier one.

Reading some news this morning, I found that they have found the body of one of the missing sailor. My heart ache for his family, for his parents, and for his friends. I may cheer for Army and not Navy but he is still one of us. I may voice my opinions about Squids but he is still "family". I may not know him or his family personally but I hurt for 'em and prayed for 'em.

I woke up with a heavier heart.

I prayed and thought about a lot today. I pray for our troops all over the world, I pray for the other missing sailor, I pray for the family and loved ones of the fallen sailor, and I pray for all the military family out there. I'm thinking of those with loved ones deployed and I am thinking about Dad. Come home soon Dad.

Because it is only with strength and unity can we help and support each other in this time of uncertainty.

Side note: There's a lot of drama going on everywhere right now and truly I am just trying to avoid 'em best I can. Let me share something that my coach once said to the team.

"CUT THAT CRAP OUT. LOOK AT YOUR JERSEY, WHO DO YOU PLAY FOR?! AND WHO DO YOU PLAY FOR?! SO WHY THE HELL ARE WE THIRSTY FOR EACH OTHERS BLOOD?!? CUT THE CRAP OUT. WE'RE A TEAM. TEAM!"

"Death is a gift to something better."

First off, sorry for not being extremely talkitive lately. Sorry to those whom I kept giving hints to what's going on in my life but ever truly said what's going on. I know when people does that to me, it frustrates the hell out of me. So really, sorry. And sorry for sounding rude, irritated, pissed, bitchy, and so forth and so forth to anyone over IM, phone, online, or on Twitter. There's just a lot of stress going on right now and well, guess subconsciously that's how I deal with stress. By sounding rude, irritated, pissed, bitchy, and so on. A lot of things have happened for the last couple months and to the request (or maybe demand) of both of my parents, I restrained myself from posting any blog or tweet about what's been going on. But now...I need to write, maybe it'll make me feel bits better, maybe...

We buried Mom last week. My Grandparents, Sarah, and I were with Mom and Dad was on his way home. I could tell that Mom was waiting for Dad but she just couldn't. She had an appointment with God and just couldn't be late. I tried to reach Dad as soon as I could. I really did. Maybe I should have tried earlier. Dad and Mom wouldn't be hurting so bad. Dad was on his way home when Mom left for Heaven. I think because of that, Dad is hurting more than we all are.

Mom was diagnosed with Glioblastoma (GBM) mid-February. Because the stage we discovered this cancer, my parents decided not to operate ("one of the most difficult decisions we ever had to make, honey, but we should be thankful for the time we have together.") GBM is the most common and deadly brain tumor and like other forms of cancer, there is no cure. Mom never stopped fighting, though. Even when she was told there was nothing anyone can do, she asked about the possibility of doing both chemotherapy and radiation therapy. She even asked about current clinical trials for GBM because "it may cure cancer one day, honey." She truly believed that through her pain, she can help find a cure.

When Mom first started treatment, Dad wanted her to quit her job and stay with my Grandparents. My Grandparents live fairly close to Scott&White Hospital so Dad thought it'd be good for Mom to get treatment there. Mom refused and said she ain't quitting her job nor is she going to leave us alone by ourselves.

"Two grown men with a baby in the house and no one to take care of you two, you two will go nuts!" she told us.

She continued working till weeks before she passed away, she never missed a beat at work or at home. She kept telling us, "Nothing, NOTHING will ever stop me from being with my family, not even cancer."

She went to the Anniversary trip with Dad then met up with Nicole and me at Ohio State. And despite her pain and me telling her I'd like to stay and take care of her, Mom insisted that I go to the George Strait/Reba concert. She told me to enjoy the concert and just enjoy the time with Nicole. She would keep telling me, "it's your birthday gift, honey, don't ruin it." And while in North Carolina, I asked Mom if I can go home early so I can take care of her. She refused, "if you come home, I'll disown you."

Stubborn, ain't she.

One long weekend, Mom and I flew to Florida to enjoy the weather and visit University of Florida. If you're wondering why I didn't visit Miami, I got a rejection letter from Miami. Mom was more excited than I was, "Hey I'm in Miami! Just like Michael Westen and Fiona!" She went to the Spa like I had planned and caught my evil plan. "I knew there was a reason why you're sending me to the Spa, so you can go to the [shooting] range! Evil!" Guess Mama knew all along. After lunch that day, Mom was really sick and even that, she insisted we leave Miami as we planned, at 1500.

We left Miami at 1459. Precision, Mama, and I love you for that.

We got to Gainesville 3 hours later than we planned because of the pit stops we had to take. But trust me, she didn't go down without a fight. Even with the pain, she kept telling me NOT to make pit stops because we need to get to Gainsville on time like we planned. "If you keep stopping, I swear."

You're so stubborn, Mama.

The night we got to Gainesville, she was so sick she passed out as soon as we got to our room. I held her hand and told her to rest because we got loads to do in Gainesville in the morning. She scared me that night, she looked so peaceful, I thought I lost her. But she opened one of her eyes and told me, "I love you baby, go buy you something to eat."

How she knew, I don't know. Must be a Mom thing.

We got a call from Dad next morning. He told us he's got work soon and he most likely won't be home by the time we get home. And without a word, Mom grabbed the phone from me and talked to Dad for hours. They talked as if they were two teenagers in love. Mom reminded me, "I'm not that old! Still young!" We had a worry-free day that day. We laughed and laughed, it was as if she wasn't sick. She took me out to TGI Friday's after we toured University of Florida. I told her during dinner, "I have a good feeling about this place, Mama." She told me, "Me too." and smiled at me like she never did before.

What I would give right now just to see her smile again.

Mom never missed a beat. She would remind me to brush my teeth and nag at me when I was "slower than the worms". She made me dinner, fed Sarah, took us out to dinner, and still have time to make sure she gets treatment done.

A month or so before she passed away, it was no doubt that she can no longer go to work. She was simply in too much pain. I can still remember Mom crying when she quit her job. She cried and said, "Oh my goodness I'm so happy I'm unemployed! I've always wanted to do this!"

Silly Mama.

During all the days without Dad, there was no doubt in my mind Mom was in more pain than she was letting out. She didn't have to tell me she was hurting, I could see the pain on her face, the fear in her eyes, and the numerous tears that ran down her face. But, "Your Mama's fighting." she would say to me. "Mama's fighting so I can be with you babies just a bit longer."

I know, Mama. Thank you.

On Friday before Spring Break, out of the blues Mom said let's go to Grandparents. She said we can visit University of Oklahoma before going to Grandparents'. Then we can all visit College Station together. I didn't question why or how come on a such short notice, I just rushed home after school. I packed up my stuff, helped Mom packed up Sarah's stuff, and just drove. On the road, Mom and I sang to the songs on the radio, told funny stories, and took turns changing Sarah's diapers. Time seemed to slow down, Mom was back to her normal self again and this cancer thing never happened. She told me stories from when she was younger, from when she and Dad was dating (arg...) and stories of her college life I have never heard of. It was like knowing Mom for the very first time.

I love staying at my Grandparents'. Just being around horses and at the Ranch makes me smile. And it makes Mom smile too. In ways, I think it was making her feel better more than any of the medications ever will. She would gather the strength to go out and watch me ride. She would gather up the strength to get up early in the morning to feed the cattle and horses. We would talk for hours just sitting by the barn. Just me and Mama.

On Monday, my Grandparents, Mom, Sarah, and I drove to College Station. Mom showed me the entire school all on her own and being the proud alumni, she told me I must attend this school simply because "this place rules."

That night, she slept with Sarah and said we were her most precious gift, "next to your Dad of course." She smiled and told me stories from when I was young. She told me the things I used to do as a kid and laughed at my innocence. "You were so cute." she would say to me. We laughed. We smiled. And the night seem to last forever.

Mom took a turn for the worse next morning. Laying in bed she had the strength to tell me the many chores I must take care of. She told me to never forget to brush my teeth and made sure Sarah will be taken care of. She made sure I will take care of myself. She told me she's proud of me for graduating high school and that she's sorry she can't make it to graduation like she would like. But she ensured me, "I will be there. I'm not missing my baby's graduation." She told me how much she misses Dad but knows he's coming home.

We said our temporary goodbyes to the most awesome woman I know. Dad got there couple hours later. He ran into the room and started bawling. I have never seen Dad cry before, let alone straight out bawling over Mom's peaceful body. He was bawling, truly bawling because he just lost the love of his life, his best friend, and he didn't even have a chance to say goodbye.

I'm sorry Dad. I'm sorry I didn't try to reach you sooner. I am really sorry.

We buried her in her favorite part of the Ranch, left her some notes, and said our prayers. We thanked God for bringing her to our lives and asked Him to take care of her in Heaven. We drove home that afternoon and got home around noon the following day. The drive home was one of the longest drive, ever. A strange silence filled the car. Driving down was full of laughter with Mom and on the way home, dead silence.

Several miles from home, we got a message from Mom. Funny how even when she's not here, she wants us to know what she's okay and (hopefully) we will be too.

There was no particular reason why we drove home so early. There was no particular reason why I went back to school yesterday. There was no particular reason why Dad decided to take two weeks of emergency leave instead of a month like everyone suggested. In ways we just want to "get away" and "stay busy". In ways, we just want something to do so we don't sit around the house thinking about what happened. So we don't have to think about losing Mom. Dad and I both know that to start this long journey without Mom, we'll need to take our first step, some how. Even if it means crying in your own bed for hours hoping no one in the world could hear you. I cried every night since we got home. I miss Mom terribly.

And as I read the words, "I know sweetie" I cried harder than I did before. I miss Mama and I am sick of crying.

There's a lot to think about right now, for both Dad and myself. We're not all sure what's going to happen. I don't know what my future holds nor does Dad. We don't because we lost a structure in our lives. We lost Mom. But I trust Dad and his decisions/plans, he always knows what to do to make things better.

I have never thought I would lose Mom so early. They said parents aren't supposed to bury their children. But children aren't supposed to bury their parents either, not at this age. Not at my age. Not at Sarah's age.

Mom told me once, "never, ever, give into Death and always see Death as a gift to something better." I'm not sure how losing Mom was a gift but you know what they say. "Mama's always right."

Life is a journey and this is only a temporary goodbye.
It's not goodbye, Mama, it's see you later.
I love you, Mama.
I love you.

We'll Miss You and We Already Are

I once asked Sean if he can have one wish, just one, what would he wish for. He sat on my lap laughing and picking out all sorts of things from being a superhero to being just like his Dad, a Marine. From meeting a Transformer to being "all grown up" and as I told him he could only have one. He giggled and told me. "Three!" and I smile and told him, "Ok three" We had just finished watching Aladdin, and I'm sure that's where he got the three from

I said a wish. Sean says Three.

I wonder if Sean knew it all along. I wonder if he wanted to fight long enough to see his parents again. I wonder about a lot of things right now...

It's been a long journey, for all of us. And I think Sean knows it more than any of us do. I think he already knew when things started to go downhill. It's still a dream to me. Nothing seems normal at this point.

The new spot on brain, cancer cells is CSF, small lesion turns into tumor, then more tumors, seizures. Make-a-wish (or rather, three), more seizures, stats are dropping, need oxygen, catheter, morphine, Ativan, phenobarbital, Codeine, Zofran, Visteril, Morphine, more morphine. Nothing seems normal anymore.

The scared look on his face made all of us scared. He's just skin and bones, fighting for his last breath, mumbled "Mama" and "Daddy"

He fought till he couldn't no more.

I never thought I would hear those words about my 5 year old cousin. He's 5, for fucking sakes, 5. But after this morning, the words will forever be in my heart and mind. He's gone. Sean fought until the last painful breath. I'm not going to lie and tell everyone how peaceful he was. Because it was NOTHING peaceful about it. Sean was like a fish out of the water, trying so hard to breathe, but nothing.

When he started having a hard time breathing I went to get Mom. I sat on the side of the bed as Mom climbed in, we started talking to him. We told him that everything will be okay and that soon, very soon, his Mom and Dad will be home. We told him how proud we were of him and how much proud both of his parents are. I told him to say Hi to God and Jesus for me. I told him that there are a lot of brave soldier and marines waiting for him. That he will be safe and okay. Mom told him he wouldn't hurt anymore. I told him good night, I told him I loved him and Mom did the same.

We took off his shirt so we could touch him (Mom said that he could feel us and we needed to feel him...) Mom put her hand on his chest. Told me she could feel his heart beat. Then it slowed down. We weren't there to hear his first heartbeat but we felt his last one.

He fought as long as he could, he fought hard in hopes to see his parents again. He fought till he couldn't no more.

I miss the little guy. My bond with Sean is indescribable. I mean, I know we're not supposed to pick favorites but out of all the cousins in the family, I got to say I like Sean the most. There's just something about him, I don't know, something special about him. We're roughly 13 years apart and really, you'd think we'd be farther apart. But he was like my own little brother. At two years old, he of all people climbed onto my hospital bed (after I got hurt), smiled and hid his face right in my arms. He taught me with smile and laughter, there's nothing you can't conquer. That smile, that joy is something I can never and will never forget.

His body lay peacefully in the bed and we know he's already in Heaven, enjoying the Sun, the clouds, and many years of no pain and worries. As Grandpa (and many others) have told me before, "It's never goodbye, it's see you later."

See you later buddy, don't forget us.
Run, play, have no worries.
We'll miss you, and we already are.

Thank you to everyone who's been there for me and my family. Thank you for the emails and the Tweets (not to mention DMs) asking how Mom and I are doing. We are, well, as well as we can be at this point. We are both sad that Sean's gone but know he is no longer in pain. And with the end of this precious life, we know soon that our family will be joined by another. Maybe this is God's plan all along, or at least I think it is.

A lot of things (as far as funerals and flowers go) are, of course, still up to my Aunt and Uncle. We manage to get a word out to my Aunt and Uncle and well, at this point, we're not sure when either of 'em will be back in the states or how long their leave will be. Either way, we're here too help 'em with any thing they need.

For those who would like to help, I think Mom and I couldn't agree more the best way is to help others who are currently fighting this disease. Hospitals and organizations like St. Jude's Children Research Hospital, Cure Childhood Cancer, and Cure Search really help with the cause of finding a cure. This is a horrible disease and monster, one that no kid like Sean should ever need to fight.

I truly hope that one day, kids like Sean can grow up thinking about their favorite cartoon rather than how many more rounds of Chemotherapy they need to go through just to survive.

To all the brave little warriors out there, I salute you.
To all the families, I salute you.
To Sean, you'll always be my favorite. But don't tell anyone, they'll be jealous.

Rest well and play well buddy, you deserve it.

Cancer Pisses Me Off

I think living this long, a lot of things tend to piss me off. Stupid, ignorant people tend to do the trick. And then I've discovered that things in life do the same too. Things like my injury sometimes just piss the hell out of me. Well...cancer, is one also.

They said God has a plan for all of us. That everyone in God's eyes are equal and no matter how wrong it something is, it's all God's plan. And even at times we don't understand it, it's all God's plan.

Tonight, I hope whatever God has in store, it's a good one.

I remember at one of our family reunions, my Great Uncle would tell us, "Everyday is Christmas if you look at it, because greatest gift of all is to have all these people around you. Then you know it's a good day."

The news of Sean's diagnoses took a lot of us by surprise. And still I wonder why my Uncle and Aunt didn't share it with us earlier. But then I realize, even if we know, there really isn't anything we can do other than being there for 'em. There was nothing they can do either, filling for a late deployment, in ways adds on the hurt.

Earlier tonight, we got a call from the hospital. Mom and I didn't need to hear what they had to say and rush our way out here. The 2 hour drive turned into just a over an hour. We had been told Sean might not make it through the night...

And within both of us, there are panics, worries, and pain. But Mom always seem to know how to try and stay calm. According to her, "Pray, hope, and stay calm is the best anyone can do." (I personally don't know how she got the mind to tell me to do all that, stay away from the room for awhile and do my homework) I'm not going to lie, I'm not doing homework, not worried about school or college applications. I just want to be in there with Sean but Mom's orders. Pray. Hope. Stay Calm. Contact Red Cross. And do my homework.

I'd never thought staying calm could be so hard. All this time, I thought I was the calm one. Boy was I wrong.

While I'm sitting here, I thought about the amount of families that's going through the same worries. And there are so many good people out there, The good people, the compassion and even their dedication. The complete strangers who get together to give a kid his last wish. (And in ways, hearing the words "last wish" tears me apart. A kid, many younger than I am, how can they be having a last wish? That don't make no sense to me...)

I remember one night when Sean and I were hanging out, he asked me what Heaven is like. He asked me if he can get anything he wants at Heaven. He said to me, "I like to go to Heaven" And for that moment, a 5 year old scared me to death. He's five, laying next to me in his hospital bed, asking me about Heaven. And that look on his face, the seriousness...scared me the most.

Mom told me days ago that Sean ain't the same as he was before. The little bundle of joy is starting to be taking over by a monster he can't even see. By a monster that I, a 18 year old, have trouble pronounce. Sean hasn't been eating or talking, he's constantly sleeping, vomiting. And somehow, no one can do anything about it. Geeze...he's fucking 5. He wants to see the sky, the ocean, and real life Transformers.

I just hope he gets to. He haven't even fighting that long. His brain just ain't the same anymore, stupid tumor. He couldn't hold his toys anymore. And earlier tonight, he told me "my legs are tired" (Doc said that slowly, Sean is paralyzed from the neck down) I wish there was something I can do. A book I can read him that will make him feel better, a story, a face, anything. All just to make him better. He told us, "I want Mama and Daddy. Finger phones don't work in Heaven..."

Just makes me want to cry.

Not that long ago, Mom shared with me something that my Uncle wrote:

"Out doing my job in this strange country one day, I couldn't help but felt an unbelievable pain in my chest...one of which felt just like a shrapnel wound. I expected blood, and with my shakey hands on my heart, I expected to feel the red liquid flowing through my fingers. But there were none. As I chow down the MRE, the incredible pain in my heart persisted and slowly I come to the truth: I miss my boy. My boy battling cancer.

The boys asked me what's wrong, if it was the food. And as I stare blankly into the dry sky, I shook my head. No one understands, and in this country, among the boys I trust my life with, I felt alone and lost."

I think we all feel alone and lost. Mom and I are taking shifts with Sean tonight and truly praying and hoping that everything will be alright. I've contacted Red Cross and getting the word out to both my Uncle and Aunt. Just hopefully everything will be alright.

After all, he is my little buddy. And always will be.

"We don't hug, Cousin Matty, we're boys!"

After my match today, I decided to drive up to the hospital so Sean and I can watch the Navy and Air Force game before it ends. We managed to catch the second half of the game and it was loads of fun to hear Sean yell "YAY NAVY" throughout the game (it was a great game, if you didn't see it I suggest you find a re-run of it)

Navy wins! Look like they might be holding onto Commander-in-Chief's Trophy for another year. Wonder when Army will get the trophy again, haha.

There's nothing more I like than hanging out with Sean. When I came in his room today, he jumped off of his bed and literally yelled my name. That smile on his face was amazing. As I was about to give him a hug, he told me, "We don't hug, Cousin Matty, we're boys!" Made me chuckle a bit, another one of those "kids say the darnest things" Though he did sneak in a hug later on while we were watching football, according to him it's ok because "no one's watching" :D

We watched a couple football games before he got sick of it. While watching football today I realized I'm applying to a lot of SEC schools. Coincidence? I'm not sure :P But hey it's kind of cool :D So I asked him if he wants to watch a movie. He looked at me and said yes.

So right now I'm laying in bed with Sean while watching Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. I can tell he's not feeling well and really, looking at him anyone would know he's sick. I would say his head probably is swollen about twice its original size- may be bits exaggerating, but you get the point. Mom said it's from the tumor, and ya, I can tell. His cheeks are swollen (I think from the meds?) and overall, his voice seems sore and tired. As he put is head against my shoulder, I could feel this strange pain in my heart. I ache for him, knowing he's hurting constantly. At the same time, I am still proud of him. Even with the pain, he doesn't complain as much as I think he would, he's still laugh and smiling at silly things and of course, still think hugs are for girls.

They say that strength comes in different sizes. And I think this pint size kid is one of the strongest person I know.

On a side note: I took a look at my September stats for the blog, it's amazing how it fluctuates like that. Imagine it being a company. Wonder how the stock holders of this "company" will think, haha.

Sept Viewing Stats

On another note: I've been watching Professor Shiller's Financial Markets lectures over at Open Yale Courses on my free time. It's basically college Finance lecture class and really, I think it's quite interesting. I'm having a blast watching the lectures and learning from them. (More than I am learning from my Finance class right now!) Call me a nerd but really, learning a lot about the subject, Professor Shiller, and just college lectures in general. Great heads up on college life I guess :D

Anyways, back to the movie. Then it's reading him a bed time story, make sure he's asleep and driving on home. Really wish I can stay but Mom's making me drive home so I can work on my homework and college applications all day tomorrow. She even suggested a homework/college applications party at the house tomorrow. Strangest idea, who would come to that?!

Texas- Bye Week
Florida- Bye Week

Michigan at Michigan State, 26-20 Didn't catch this game but WOW!
Maryland vs Clemson, 24-21
Army vs Tulane, 17-16

Alabama at Kentucky, 38-20

Virginia Military Institute vs Gardner-Webb, 27-23

Washington at Notre Dame, 37-30 (OT)
Stanford vs UCLA, 24-16
Texas Tech vs New Mexico, 48-28
Air Force at Navy, 16-13 (OT)
LSU at Georgia, 20-13

Ohio St at Indiana, 33-14
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt, 23-7

Texas A&M vs Arkansas, 47-19

UMiami vs Oklahoma, 21-20
Cal vs USC, 30-3

Oregon vs Washington State, 52-6

Winning teams are in bold

Though I Wish

It's early Saturday morning right now and well, I'm ready for my tennis match later on in the day so thought I write something. (Plus the fact I can't sleep, maybe after this I can get some Zs...)

So late last night, Mom decided to drive up to the hospital to stay with Sean for the weekend. I told her it's a bad idea to drive so late, she said she can't sleep and Sean can use the company. There was nothing I can do to stop her, I even offered to drive her up there, she said no. Said that since I got a match today, I need to stay home and that she'll be fine.

Moms...

Either or, she made it to the hospital okay. She saw me online and we got talking on Google Talk She asked me about college applications (no surprise), grades, school work, then we got talking about Sean. I asked her what's going to happen next for him. He's been through loads already and though I wish for him to fight on and be healthy again, sometimes, I wish he would just stop. Stop and go to Heaven so he doesn't have to feel pain no more. I don't know what that make me, selfish or stupid or even a horrible person, I don't know. Either way I feel bad just thinking about it.

What would we do without Google?

Mom told me what the doctor said about the last scan. I won't go into details for now, since we still need to reach at least one of his parents. Let's just say that they aren't the news we are hoping for. I guess tumors, in ways, are like dragons, nothing can kill 'em except a brave knight. And right now, no knight is powerful and brave enough to fight off this dragon. (Horrible analogy I know but really I believe Sean's a brave and strong knight, the dragon is just putting up a fight also) Sean's doctors have contacted St. Jude and they have agree that if it's what Sean's parents want. They can start treatment for Sean over in Memphis.

There's a plus side to St. Jude's, they have a great program and they focus sully on childhood cancer. There's a downside to that, it's nowhere near where my aunt/uncle is stationed. In fact, it's not even in the same state.

So Mom did some research and looked for places around where my aunt/uncle are stationed and Duke looks extremely promising. So there's a plus there for Duke, even if their focus isn't on childhood cancers, it's a good hospital.

Well, the ultimate decision is on Sean's parents. Since they're both deployed, we'll just have to see what they think once we can reach 'em. (I've been hearing about deployment extensions...I really hope Sean doesn't have to battle this thing alone for much longer. No matter how much time me or Mom spend with him, we know he wants his parents. After all, it is his Mom and Dad)

Knight v Dragon - Sean v Tumor?

I got to leave for my match in three hours and still having slept. Been thinking about my little buddy, hope he's doing alright. Today's the Air Force and Navy game, I just might rush up to the hospital after my match so I can watch the game with him at the hospital. We'll see.

Recap&Life

Wow so it's been 5 days since I wrote something and well, it's Saturday so you know what this means! FOOTBALLLLLLLLLLL :D

Quick recap on what happened during the last few days:

School have been going alright, just getting used to the senior year :) Loads of stuff going on with homework, college applications and so on so always busy there. My classes (German IV Honors, Study Hall, Calc AP, Finance, AP Literature, American Government ,and Psychology) are overall pretty good. Typical AP classes along with other college prep courses. Only thing I don't like is Finance. If you follow me on Twitter, you'd know that I have been tweeting about what's going on in that class. And truly, I'm not impressed.

Just recently we had a quiz on check writing. You heard me right, check writing. Is it just me or are these old skills that people should have attained long time ago? Or am I the only one that learned about banking, banking statements, online banking, balancing a checkbook, check writing, and more way before I got to high school?! (And yes, if you're wondering, I Aced it)

Tennis is going well and many thanks to the people who have been asking about the matches and so forth. I won some I lost some. Guess I can't complain when I'm just a noob at this game. You should hear my coach though, you can hear him yell "PUSH FASTER MATT" from yards away! :P

Outside of school:

Mom and I are doing fine with Dad still deployed. With the news of SFC Thornsbury, phone calls still keep us wondering while cars that drive by the house still keep us on the edge of our seats. But this is nothing new I guess, it's a deployment and Mom and I are doing what we can to get through it. No matter where Dad is, just hope he's doing well and staying safe.

Mom's doing well, she's now 33 weeks pregnant (and huge belly!) and with the recent baby shower, she's more excited than ever to have this "thing out of me!" Lately it seems like all she's been talking about is baby names. Guess she and Dad ever came up with a name before Dad deployed and me, well I got stuck listening to her asking rhetorical questions about which names are better and which sounds "cute". The nursery is turning out well. With people coming over today to finish the painting, Mom's extremely excited. (I am too in a way...since I get to watch football and they do the work. According to them I'll just "get in the way" so hey that's just fine with me :D )

Mom's Current "Bible"

Sean is also doing well. Though he is still under treatment and last scan of his brain doesn't look so good, he's still fighting strong. He loved the toys I brought him and said he can't wait to watch all the football games. "YAY NAVY" he said but hey we all know he meant to say "Army" :P

As for people who've been asking how I'm doing, as in me, myself, well...doing well I guess. Listening to music daily and doing what I do best. The date of my injury is coming close and though I try not to think about it, it's still constantly on my mind. (Of which I'm sure it's something I can't help with, it is my love and a love that shattered my heart) There has been some random thoughts in my head lately, not sure what's going on but hopefully for the good. Some things are still happening but I rather not say it here.

On a side note: On Friday I had the sudden urge to make a website. And I am currently going through loads and loads of CSS codes and ideas for the site. I'm not even sure if I'm going to officially launch it or not, guess I just feel like messing with codes. I'll let everyone know if I do decide to go through with this or it'll just be some eye candy on my computer.

Sneak Peak of the site :D

Thanks again for everyone's DMs/IMs/emails about how Sean, Mom, and myself are doing. Truly appreciate the thoughts and kind words. Loads of things happening within the next couple months, excited and nervous but hey it's life! (Still hoping that Dad will be home when Mom gives birth. For the obvious reason of course plus I'd like to keep my hand. Would hate to have Mom "kill" it by squeezing it too hard :P)

Now onto this week's football!
Note: Winning teams are in bold

Michigan vs East. Michigan, 45-17
Army vs Ball St, 24-17
Cal at Minnesota, 35-21
Ohio St at Toledo, 38-0

Alabama vs North Texas, 53-7

Florida vs Tennessee, 23-13
Maryland vs Middle Tennessee, 32-31
Oklahoma vs Tulsa, 45-0
USC at Washington, 16-13 HOLY COW!!!
Oregon vs Utah, 31-24

Navy at Pittsburgh, 27-14
Virginia Military Institute at James Madison, 44-16

Texas A&M vs Utah State, 38-30
LSU vs Louisiana-Lafayette, 31-3

Air Force at New Mexico, 37-13

Texas Tech at Texas, 34-24

Little Monster

So after visiting Sean, I decided to take the 2 hour drive back home. (Just to get some homework started, you wouldn't believe the amount of homework I got assigned over this 3 day weekend) Since Mom and I drove only one car to the concert, earlier this morning I went back to the hospital to pick up Mom. (Yes she's having her baby shower tomorrow while me I'm still not getting this whole thing but I guess it's ok, I'm learning. Plus I'd be in my room all day anyways :P )

I got to the hospital, hung out with Sean for a bit (boy can he play Wii or what) and on the way home Mom told me the news. While she talked I started to wonder about this little monster inside Sean's head. Tumors, if you don't know, are like the annoying thing that just tends to not go away. As Dane Cook said it, it's like the annoying person at work that always tends to follow you even if you get a new job. Anyways, a month after Sean's surgery and with the treatments, guess who's back?

Ya the annoying little monster.

Not only it's annoying, it scares all of us. So according to the report, I quote: "This mass now measures approximately 1.5 cm transversely x 2.3 cm....extends medially...appears to be growing along the subarachnoid space in the left temporal region."

Tumor, the Little Monster

I never thought I'd hate the word "growing" so much. I just hope that with this treatment, Sean will be doing better every day. (Still admiring his laughs and smiles even when all this is going on. Good job buddy, way to go.) And with this stuff, life still goes on.

Just truly hope this little monster goes away soon.

Other news, I had a good time watching more than 12 hours of football yesterday. (As you can probably tell by the screen shot below) As much it sounds like I got no life, this is my life. I guess well the life I dream of. It's like what I wrote yesterday, football and I got a love and hate relationship going. Not sure if it's a healthy relationship but ya it's a love and hate thing.

Ya I know I'm nuts

Scores (winning team is in bold):

Grambling State vs South Carolina State, 34-31
Mississippi at Memphis, 45-14
Colorado State at Colorado, 23-17

And for those who are asking for concert pictures, Mom forgot the camera but knows someone who did took loads of pictures. So I'll share that with you guys as soon as she get them.

September

Since it's the first day of September, I thought it'd be a good idea to mention a couple major "events" across the nation.

Being part of the Military, there are certain things you just know. As many might know that September is Suicide Prevention Month. The topic of suicide prevention have always been pretty big around military lives. Even high ranking officers have first hand experience what suicide can do to a family. Since then, many commanders have keep the topic of suicide a top priority when it comes to overall troops health and moral.

There are loads of sites all around that gives information about suicide prevents and where you can get help (sites like Army G-1 Human Resources) but truly the most important thing is know what to do and know when to ask for help.

MG Mark Graham with pictures of his late sons: ROTC Cadet Kevin Graham and 2Lt. Jeff Graham

What many may not know, however, September is also National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Ever since Sean was diagnosed, I think our entire family have been turned upside-down (not to mention both of his parents are still away!) and through the reading and research, I've found that a huge community that brings family together to raise awareness of childhood cancer. Places like Complete the Cure and Cure Search really help in the cause to raise more awareness to childhood cancer and raise money to finding a cure!

Best of all, you can do your part to help! Support National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month by downloading CureSearch.org's September calendar. Each day shows you a different way for you to help conquer childhood cancer.

There are also ways to help if you love eating at Chili's Grill & Bar®. Chili's Grill & Bar® and St. Jude Children's Research Hospital have come together again for their fifth annual contribution. Starting today to September 30th, when you eat at Chili's you can:

1. Make a donation to St. Jude and receive a Create-A-Pepper chili pepper coloring sheet designed for display at restaurants during the month.

Create a Pepper!

2. Purchase Create-A-Pepper T-shirts that can be customized with permanent marker.

3. Buy a customized Create-A-Pepper key that can be cut for use at home or the office.

And here is the awesome part: If you eat at Chili’s on Monday, Sept. 28th, Chili’s will donate 100% of profits to St. Jude! This is just amazing way to help while enjoying the food from Chili's! Thank you Chili's for continuing to help the cause to find a cure for childhood cancer! Click here to find the closest participating Chili's near you :D

You can find out more about Chili's cause, make donations online and more over at Create A Pepper

I'm hoping after I post this, you will spread this big event with your family and friends. After all, kids should never have to fight such battle. Help the cause to cure childhood cancer!

First "Official" Week of School

Today in school, they had all the seniors meet up for a presentation. The presentation was what you'd expect, telling all of us the year ahead, what to look for, and of course "be smart and make good decisions" They are really cracking down on the seniors who choose to challenge the rules and "have fun". So hopefully this year I won't make silly decisions and compromise my diploma :P

Thank you to all those who continues to ask about Sean and how he's doing. He is doing well and while the treatment is still going on, he's still got his smiles, laughs and random quotes from "Cars" and other Disney movie. Scans were done after the surgery and looks like he's in the clear! Just hope with this treatment, he will be in remission soon.

Quote from doctor's notes:

"OPINION: STABLE POSTOPERATIVE CHANGES WITHOUT EVIDENCE OF TUMOR RECURRENCE."

Awesome!

On the business of school, everything is going well. I'm still trying to get used to a new school setting and hoping that my schedule is finally fixed. Never had this much trouble before but hey, guess there's a first for everything! As the first "official" week of school, I guess everything is going well. (Or say...as well as it's expected?) Just the same with a new school I guess, people staring at me while going to class (their first time seeing a wheelchair or something? Was it my hair? Hmm...), people staring at me while in class and so on. Nothing I'm not used to for years now, just happens I guess.

What you looking at?!?

I've also come to believe that I may be the only Army brat in the entire school. In AP Literature class, we talked about how the books relates to our personal life. As I was relating it to my life, I can tell that my classmates are thinking "holy cow...what a life..." or something like that. Even at my first tennis match, as parents were pouring in to see their kids play, bits of me turned into that little boy wishing for my Dad to show up and watch me play. It was my first match, my first take at tennis. Then I realized, I've been through this. This wouldn't be the first match of any sport that he missed. So, oh well. (I kind of laughed to myself when I also realize that Dad was watching me play football the day I got hurt. Karma? Haha.)

Now tennis, I must say when I wheeled on that court, people on the other team looked at me like "what's that spectator doing on the court?" and when I got into my tennis chair, they all looked at me like I was nuts while probably thinking how weird the chair looks. Even as I was warming up, eyes were practically glued to me. I bet none of them realize that we cripples can play sports. And I bet none of them realize they just might get to play a cripple and get beat by one too.

Coach pulled me aside and asked if I was ok. "Ya I'm good" was my answer and I wasn't lying either. I guess in a way, I'm used to the people and what I called "curiosity of the eyes". You should see the guy's face when I rolled up to the court. There was a lot of confusing eyes going on and with questions and what not (good thing Coach and I read up on our USTA wheelchair tennis rules) but I'm glad coach handled it so well and the other coach was so chill about it. Guess people just need to get used to the idea that standing tennis and wheelchair tennis belong in the same Federation and rules are all the same. (Look at the USTA/ITF wheelchair rules reference for more details)

Now the game itself went pretty well. I lost the first set to my opponent. Guest I just needed a "warm up game" if you will because over all, I won the match. (I'll get the scoring one of these days. Right now I just play and listen to my fellow teammates/coach, ha!) First game, I won, so hey I guess I'm not THAT bad. (Or maybe the dude was REALLY bad. lol. Note: my goal for today's match wasn't to win, but to hit my opponent with the ball. I know it was one in a long shot, but it would have been funny. Too bad it never happened, haha :P) We'll see if I settle on playing singles or doubles for the rest of the year. There sure are loads of room for improvements though! (You should hear my coach yelling at me telling me to push my chair faster, it was hilarious.)

At home, things are basically the same with Dad gone. Mom's still planning the nursery while I help out around as much as I can. (Trying not to burn down the kitchen!) Mom managed to asked some co-workers to come over to the house this weekend so we can get started on the painting process. So hopefully by next week the paint job would be done! (Next we'll start buying more stuff/putting things on the wish list to make it look like an actual nursery! And yes, Mom's still serious about the wheelchair accessible crib.)

Mom's Dream Nursery

Well I better get started on all this homework. Thanks again everyone for checking in on Sean and the good luck wishes on my tennis match :D

On a side note: I got yet another postcard today. From my "best friend", the Army! Boy they really wants me to join, haha! Guess I'll be calling up a recruiter soon! Haha :P

Another note: I found out today that my school's football team is looking for more players. Now I'm wondering...WHERE DO I SIGN UP COACH? Ha

Feel Like Writing...

After waking up at 0500 with 5-6 hours of sleep…I realized this is the longest I’ve slept in a long time. (I know what you’re thinking "What? 5-6 hours, only?!?" but really it’s good hours for me considering the number of hours I've slept total just this week.) I'm not exactly sure why I slept that long (maybe it was cuz of practice or maybe it was from recent lack of sleep.) but I felt like I slept for days when I woke up. I even went out and ran a couple miles, it was a great morning indeed.

Tennis practice was canceled due to bad weather and now I feel like writing so be warned, this may be a long post.

First order of business: Can't tell you guys how much both my family and I appreciate everyone who have been asking about Sean, checking up on him, and even send him get well cards to cheer him up (Thanks Brooke! :D) As you guys may or may not know, Sean’s surgery was on the 5th, after leaving ICU and back to his regular rooms on the 9th, he once again start on his 6 weeks chemotherapy treatments on the 10th (and yes, radiation will come later). With the start of tennis practice yesterday and school starting in less than two days, I feel as if I'm letting Sean down. The "I'll be back, be good" I said to him a couple weeks ago is still on my mind. This is a time when I wish I live closer to the hospital just so I can visit him. Since the hospital is two hours drive away (one-way) from post, visiting him on weekdays just seem impossible. Hopefully I can work out some schedule for weekend visits and truly hope he doesn't "hate" me for not showing up if I can't. So once again thank you guys for the prayers, the good thoughts, and good mojo for Sean, my family and I truly appreciate it!

With the PCS, summer homework, and Sean…I never really had the time to think how many days of summer I got left, true I keep a countdown clock (yes I know I'm a nerd) I never really paid attention. Two nights ago, for some reason, I decided to expand my college search. I was looking at both different majors for the colleges already on my list and even other colleges I can add to the list. That's when I realized…school is starting soon and that means, I'm a senior. Strangely just four years ago I was wondering when I’m going to graduate and get out of this "hell hole" and now with only a year left, I am wishing for time to slow down.

Unlike my civilian friends, I didn't attend one single high school and though making friends over and over again can be quite difficult, I found "fun" in this "challenge" and while looking at colleges, I'm thinking about my friends I made back in Freshman, Sophomore, and even Junior year. I'm wondering if they're doing the same and if they all miss the same thing I am missing; if they all wish for the same thing, for time to slow down so we all can cherish this one last time. Because really, before we know it, they'll be calling our names on graduation day and I bet we all would wish for time to turn back.

Strange how my brain works…

Back to the college list, I've extended my college list by one, adding University of Kentucky to the original list (University of Memphis, Ohio State, University of Florida, University of Colorado at Colorado Springs, and University of Colorado at Denver) and yes, Memphis, Ohio State, and Florida are still my top three. I've also extended the possible majors for the "just in case" of life. On top of Criminal Justice (which is what I want to major in) I’ve added these to the list: Systems Analysis Engineering (only available at Memphis), Language and Linguistics, Electrical Engineering, Disability Studies and Rehabilitation Services (only available at Memphis), Economics, and History. Guess you can never prep too hard for the "maybes" in life. Hopefully I'll actually stick with Criminal Justice till my senior year of college, but hey who knows right?

School starts in less than two days and yes I finished my summer work and reading extra books but really can't help but scream "SCHOOL’S STARTING" inside my head, call me a nerd but I truly, truly enjoy school. Maybe it's because of the people I get to meet, the classes I'm about to take, or just sort of a "distraction" from all the things going on in life. But really, I enjoy school, a lot. People have always thought I'm weird when I tell them I like school, but if you roll a mile in my wheels (made me laugh that I typed that without thinking) you'd know school can be a good "distraction" when your parent(s) is deployed. Both distraction and stress I guess…guess you can’t "win" at this game.

But at the same time, starting school brings back painful memories that I live with on a daily basis. The start of school reminds me of how excited I was starting football how I would find all the tapes possible and watch them for hours just so I can learn something from the players. Starting school means fall is arriving and that means football season is starting. And that brings me back to the day I got hurt. Don’t think I don't love football, I do, but that doesn't mean I don't wonder what life would be like if I never rushed the yards that evening. September 25th will be the third anniversary of my injury. They say the first three years is the hardest…and boy I truly hope they're right. I’m proud of my wheels, I'm glad I got a second chance yet…the day, the incident still brings me nightmares. Nightmares like you wouldn't believe.

Anyways, I’m done writing for now, lost my train of thought thinking about THE date.
Shall write more later on.

Laugh at Cancer

Just another reason why I love my Mom. I don't know where she found these or how she came up with these but I got this in my email and thought I'd share it with you guys (My favorites are in bold):

"Hey Matt, honey, read this, it might cheer you up. Sure made me feel bits better. I love you and I'll see you at home.

You know you are a cancer parent when:

1) Kids with hair look kind of strange to you
2) You enjoy the drive at 3:00am to emergency because there aren't any other cars on the freeway
3) You can name all the equipment used on ER
4) You can dx the patients on ER before the Docs do
5) You hear a truck backing up and you think the IV is beeping

6) You are so proud when your baby finally gets hair!
7) You can maneuver a double pole with six boxes and a kid riding, on a tour of the hospital, and
8) make it back to the room before the low-battery alarm sounds and the kid has to pee
9) Your child's first word is a medical term
10) Your child's bedroom looks like a Toys R Us® store

11) You ask your CPA if bribe toys are tax deductible
12) You correct the doctors spelling on the chemo meds
13) You can read the doctors prescription word for word, and are asked to decipher it by the pharmacist
14) You get excited when there is a 15% off sale at the pharmacy
15) You have more meds in your cupboard than food

16) You can read your son's chart better than his nurse
17) None of the security guards on the pediatric floor ask for your ID anymore, and you're on
18) first-name basis with the operating room staff
19) Your child can easily pronounce "Neuroblastoma," "chemotherapy" and "coagulate," but has trouble pronouncing the state you live in
20) Your child uses Legos® to build "MRI" machines

21) A younger sibling identifies a nipple as "my port site"
22) Six months after treatment ends and the hair starts to grow back someone stops you in the grocery store and says, "I just love her haircut. Where did you get it done?"
23) When you send copies of this list to all your cancer-parent friends
24) You can reset the IV machines overnight, in your sleep, every 30 minutes without waking up once and still call it a good nights sleep!!!
25) Your kid wears out a pair of Nikes® pushing an IV pole around the hospital during BMT recovery

26) When you are thankful for steroids because there will not be turkey leftovers after the Thanksgiving meal
27) Your child is drinking a slurpee and looks at you with a big smile and says “ mmmhhmmm , mommy this taste like morphine!”
28) One of your kids looks at teddy bears on display and says” Mom, his pupils are dilated!”
29) One of your healthy kids says: “ Its not fair! I wanna be a cancer kid too!”

30) You really think this list is funny, when most normal people either don't get it or start to cry!

I love you sweetheart.
Mom"

Maybe this makes me look like a bad person but really, I had a good laugh about it. Afterall, I laugh about my SCI why can't I laugh at Sean's cancer, right? :D

Goodbye ICU!

This will be a quickie since I'm supposed to be working on my summer homework. Last couple days I've been hanging out with Sean for couple hours at once while my parents take their breaks. He's doing quite well and no sign of PFS! Seems like he's slowly going back to his normal laughing and joking self but still plenty of naps in between the hours. Guess there is one more good thing about this surgery, he is actually sleeping! (Which made my Mom VERY happy, because she's been able to get some sleep also last couple nights. And happy Mom = happy everyone :D)

Tomorrow we will be spending the morning getting Sean out of ICU and back into regular rooms then after lunch it's off to driving back to post so my parents can get settled before work on Monday. (Of course we'll most likely be unpacking more of our stuff before I drive back to the hospital and stay with Sean.)

Still got school things to take care of so there will be plenty of driving the next couple days. Thank goodness for AAFES gas stations huh?

Beginning of A Long Journey

I think every military spouse, brat, family members, or even friends know what it's like to wait. We're "used" to waiting for letters to come in the mail, we're "used" to waiting for that email, that phone call or even a peek at the webcam just to see our love ones. I think waiting...well it's just part of our normal day lives. Well, waiting more than the average citizen anyways.

And somehow after years of waiting and hoping, you thought you'd be used to it. You thought you're used to waiting months just to hear that person's voice, just to see that person again, but it never gets easier. Never.

And while waiting in the military world, I have found that out in the civilian world, my patience can out last any of my civilian friends. I've also found that while waiting for someone, I hardly check the time. Maybe all this waiting in the military world got something to do with it, maybe not.

I'm going off on a tangent, anyways...

Sean had his surgery today, what doctors thought would take four hours, took nine. Every second of that extra five hours, I thought about what is going on in there, I thought and wonder IF there's anything going on. And every second waiting, I wish the doctors, the nurses would stop by and tell us the play-by-play. If only, if only right?

While waiting for Sean's surgery to be over, my parents send me to the Teen Lounge. They asked me (more like told me?) to try and focus on my school work. I have less than 20 days before school starts and though with everything that's going on, they hope I will focus on the my summer homework I've been putting off. At this point, I can tell you I haven't got anything done. My parents are looking for results, not hear about the excuses, but really I had no heart in doing anything. And truly, I refuse to work on anything that I'm not going to put my entire heart and mind into.

So I sat at the Teen Lounge and stared right into the big screen TV they got. Even then, time doesn't seem to have sped up. And for once in a long time, I've found myself constantly checking the clock on the wall, the time on my computer and even the time on my watch. Strangely...time floats by so slow when you do that and every second of it feels like an eternity.

Not even this HUGE TV could cheer me up/make the time zoom by faster.

Nine hours later, the doc finally walked out and told us the operation was done. There was a sigh of relieve from my parents and me. The doc said, "The operation went well. Took us longer than expected and there was more tumor mass than we initially expected but we were manage to remove most of the mass." I remember thinking WHAT THE FUCK DOES MOST MEAN.

Turns out, just because you remove the tumors doesn't mean it's completely gone. Sean will still have to go through radiation and maybe even chemotherapy to prevent it from growing and spreading. In ways...we're back in square one. But hey, somewhat of a good news, I'll take that. (Strangely in my mind I wonder if this is what my parents went through after my accident, after my operation)

The doc even had the "courtesy" of reminding us about Posterior Fossa Syndrome. Basically, it means that there's a chance that Sean might wake up a different person (make sense...since you're messing with the brain...) Supposedly, one out of five kids will suffer from PFS after surgery. If Sean have PFS (I'm hoping not) he might wake up and be fine right away but within 24-48 hours he might stop talking, walking, or even lose the use of arms as well. That sounds bad, real bad so we're hoping and praying that Sean won't show signs of PFS (Funny thing is, I can see Sean smiling and laughing thinking it's "cool" to not be able to walk, to be just like his cousin.)

So after a long day, we're relieved and yet, in ways, we're all still very nervous. Who wouldn't be? It is cancer. All we can do now is keep praying and hoping that Sean will continue fighting off this nasty enemy.

Our plans (for now):

Dad's going to spend the night in ICU with Sean while Mom and I are going to head back to the hotel. Dad hopes that I will finish my summer work soon but he's not going to "disallow" me seeing Sean just cause the work isn't done. (Sounds like a huge GUILT TRIP to me!)

Tomorrow morning Mom and I are going to spend some hours with Sean and we'll adjust the hours till Sunday when we'll drive back to post so my parents can be settled for work on Monday. As for me, since there are school events I must deal with, I'll be driving back and forth between the hospital and home until school starts.

Going to be pretty interesting/eventful for the next couple days. Hopefully everything will turn out just fine.

Big shout out all my friends all over the world who've been asking about Sean, praying for us, and sending good vibes our way. You guys rule, wouldn't know what to do without you guys.

Countdown

Had a busy day today. Drove back to post earlier this morning so I can "supervise" the movers that are moving our stuff back in the house. Wasn't nothing fun but needed to be done. It went well...only one box dropped and hopefully nothing too damaged. After the movers left and my Mom got home from work. I drove her out to the hotel they've been staying at and helped her move my parents' stuff back in the house. Dinner we went out to this nice Italian place, it was pretty good. My parents and I talked about what's going to happen within the next few days.

My parents are both going to take Wednesday and the rest of the week off so we can all drive up to the hospital and be with Sean before, after, and during the surgery. We'll be rotating the watch hours so Mom (who's now 27 weeks pregnant) can get the rest she needs, Dad can get some sleep that he deserves, and of course, I can get away from it all to finish up the summer work I have been put off for awhile.

After dinner, we went back to the house and managed to unpack a few boxes. Dad got the TV hooked up (no cable/internet yet) so while my parents are finishing up a movie. I thought I'd update on what's going on.

Funny today have been so eventful and busy, there was one person that I could not get my mind off of. Sean. Before I left the hospital, I told him why I needed to leave and that I would be back before his surgery. The look on his face was about to tear my heart apart. And throughout the day I'd be wondering what he was doing, how he was doing, and whether or not he's feeling well. (Or even if he's giving the nurses a hard time)

And right now, at 0040, my mind automatically went into a countdown mode. 32 more hours then Sean needs to be prepped for surgery. In my mind I can hear this and it's making me nervous. It's making me wonder about what's going to happen, what might happen. And all of it it's running through my head like a movie...

I think I'm more nervous than Sean is.
And in ways, that scares me.

Everyday Warriors

I love it when Sean is feeling somewhat good enough to laugh and smile at shows such as "Veggie Tales" and even watch his cousin goof off by pretending to fall over in my chair doing a wheelie. (Don't worry, I won't actually fall. I like scars but rather not get any more on my head :P)

I love it when he asks questions that have nothing to do with what we are doing or watching. The unexpected "I CHALLENGE YOU" and "Do you like Goldfish?" statements and questions make me smile. And truly get to see the true side to this 5 year old even when he might not be feeling well.

I love it when he unexpectedly gets up and dance to the country music I'm playing and ask me if I want to join him.

I love it when out of nowhere, he ask me if I want to do homework with him. If it's ok for him to learn math and spelling. And if he can watch "the funny cartoon" that taught him so much. (School House Rock)

I don't think there is anything that he does that I don't love. Sean had a rough night last night crying from the pain and asking for his parents. Took me awhile to get him to settle down and sleep but finally got him to go to bed around 0500. Maybe it was just me, but I think he whispered "I love you and God and everyone" before he fell asleep. Priceless moment.

Before long, Sean jumped up in his bed and asked to watch "Veggie Tales". He even told me if I don't watch "Veggie Tales" with him and listen to God then I'm a bad boy. :P

I often wonder how can something but so hunting brought such joy in the same time. And looking at Sean and the kids on this floor who are all bravely fighting cancer, I know it's possible because of the kids innocence, they're will to fight on, and of course, be a kid all at the same time. I think that's what makes them warriors. Everyday warriors.

As I am writing this, Sean is marching in place and saying "YES SIR" Can't help but smile at how focus he looks right now. And how much he looks like his Dad and a true Devil Pup.