If You Know the Address to Heaven...

“…those who are dead are not dead. They just live in my head…”

I think ever since I heard that song by Coldplay, those two lines are forever embedded in my head. Because when I have the days when I miss Mom, miss my family and friends, I think of this line:

“They just live in my head…”

I swear that makes me sound like I’m psycho. Don’t it?

Some nights ago, as I was trying to retrieve one of my textbook from my book case, my copy of Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell fell to the ground and with it, a letter, addressing to me.

It was another one of Mom’s letters, hidden and waiting for me to discover it.

Sweetheart,

I know at times you hurt and I hurt with you. I know your heart aches when you can no longer hear my voice. I know your heart aches more when your friends are with their Moms. And how I wish I can be there for you, for your Dad, and for Sarah. But I now sit with God and watch over you, sweetheart. No matter where you are in the world, I am always with you.

Remember when you were five, when I had to go on business trips, you would always want to know if you could come along? Your curiosity always tends to wonder what I will be doing and whether or not there will be presents for you when I come back. On top of all that, you always wanted to write to me, said that your words will make me come back quicker.

What a bundle of joy, innocent, and curiosity you were, honey. Your never ending strive to do your best made you stand out from your classmates and friends. Your never ending friendship and love for those around you made you an instant friend to all. On top of that, your words are truly wise beyond your age, honey. I read all your blogs and was in tears of just how proud I am of your work and of you. (And I’m not just saying that because I’m your Mama!) I always looked forward to reading your words and your work. How I wish I can do that today. But don’t worry, even when I am not near, I am always reading your blogs and your writings. Just remember what I said, honey, that words and freedom of speech are one of the most important freedom that a person can have in this country. Many people died fighting for that freedom and one of the things you can do to honor them is to continue writing and practice your freedom of speech.

I am never far from you, Sarah, or your Dad. Remember, sweetheart, no matter where you go in the world, I will be right there with you. Keep writing, even when your heart is not in the right place, write, because I am always looking forward to reading your words.

Keep writing, sweetheart. I look forward reading your work.
A few letters won’t hurt either, honey. If it’s from you, I’ll love it
Your Mama

Though reading letters like this makes me sad and miss Mom like never before but at the same time it makes me proud to call her my Mama. The letter got me thinking about writing her letters. So that afternoon, I stopped by a coffee shop and wrote her some letters.

There was only one problem…

I had no clue where to address the letters or how.
What’s the address to Heaven?

Then I thought maybe I should start another blog and I can put the letters on that blog…
I don’t know…I can hardly keep track of the two blogs I currently have, how am I going to maintain one more?
I don’t know…we’ll see.

If you know the address to Heaven, please let me know.
Thanks.

Making the Best of This Week

I ran into good friend today while sitting in the coffee shop. He saw me and remembered about the accident. After few awkward seconds, he asked me how I was doing. I was sure he knew that it's that time of year again and with a slow reply, I told him, "Just making the best of this week."

And it have prove to be a lot harder than I thought.

Four years ago, my life changed. Four years ago today, I had no clue what was going to happen. All I had was football on my mind.

Six months ago, I lost Mom to cancer. On Monday of next week, it's her birthday. Instead of celebrating a birthday, I am celebrating her life and at the same time, mine.

But trust me, this ain't easy at all. Not $*%^ing easy at all.

A week before, on a Sunday, one of Mom's best friend came to town for a business trip. We were able to meet up several times during the week and a half she was here. Yesterday, we hung out for majority of the day. She treated me to lunch and also dinner. She came to see the house and got to meet Sarah. We talked about a lot of things, from my education to the house and even technology. (She had just bought an iPad and asked me to help her set it up) We talked about Sarah, about Dosh, and of course, about Mom.

She told me a lot of things that I didn't knew and some, I didn't want to know. I think in way she believes talking about Mom will help me heal. But reality, too much information and stories only does more damage than good. But I didn't say anything but listened. I heard about Mom's adventures while she was in school, about how she was always the most studious and at the same time the biggest party animal around. She talked about Mom's love for Dad, for Sarah and for me.

"Your Mama loves you more than life itself, Matt. Remember that."
I remember. That's why I miss her so damn much.

After awhile, she asked me how I was doing. She wanted me to know that Mom would have been proud of any decisions I made. I lied to her and told her I was doing ok. That I have been busy with classes and chores around the house I didn't have time to think. Truth was, everything I did reminded me of my old life. Everything I did made me miss Mom. And every moment made me wish that Mom is here and what I would do to take her place.

I remember years ago, when talking to one of my doctors (who also have SCI) awhile ago, he told me at 3 years of being a SCI, I still am a "kid" and when I am at my 30th year, things will really come into place. I smiled and didn't say a thing. Truth was, I couldn't see myself at 30th year, I could hardly see myself in 10 years.

On the ride home, I told Mom about the conversation. She pulled over the car and told me, "Honey I already am very proud of you. You pulled through in the hospital and now you're pulling through every day. Three years or 30 years, no matter what, I know you'll do well and I will forever be proud of you."

I hope that's still true. Because worse thing in the world is to disappoint Mom.

There's too much emotions going on and I do not know how to control it or deal with it at all. The spasms and neuro pains have been bothering me so much I can't shake the fact that I am a SCI, not even in my dreams. I miss Mom like never before and wish she was here so we can celebrate her birthday on Monday. This is one of those times when everything in the world come crashing down. And I am about to break.

I hope I can hold on, for Sarah's sake.
I hope I can make the best of the rest of this week.

I miss you, Mama. Sarah does too. Please help us go through this week. Your birthday isn't the same without you. Every day isn't the same without you. I love you, Mama.

When does This Grieve End?!

For the past nights, my mind and myself have been sinking into a deeper hole. This ain't me and this ain't how I want to act but I can't get myself out of this hole.

During the day when I'm out and about, I'm usually fine. Maybe because I'm busy focusing my days ahead or maybe I'm digging a deeper hole than I am realizing.

At night is when the mind moves and the memories slowly become taunting images and flashbacks like there's no tomorrow.

I heard a friend talking to her Mom. Her voice and the way she talks to her Mom reminded me of myself years ago. I can see it in my mind the younger me talking to Mom with a smile. I can hear Mom's gentle voice, I can hear her laugh. But it's all #*%&ing memories. I find myself full of of hate and at times tears filled eyes because of the things I couldn't do. The full hatred for cancer, for myself, and for whoever is responsible for putting cancer on this planet. I physically hurt and can feel the massive pain. Why is this a daily struggle, I'm not sure but I hate it. I miss my Mom, my hero, the one who brought me to this planet.

I'm sick of crying.

I often sit in Skype calls with my friends and not speak of any words. I listen while friends wondered why I don't ever talk. I listen more often because while hearing their laughs and conversation, my imagination grows as if everything's normal and that there is no one trouble in the world. But at the same time, listening hurts like no other. Simply because I know some laughter are there to cover the pain. We all have our own pains but in ways we all pretend laughing it off will solve everything.

God I sound *%^&ing emo.

Someone once told me, "you cover it so well, but I can see and hear your pain through your laughter, your words, and that 'smile' of yours. I wish I can do something for you Matt, please take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself."

Is it that *%^&ing obvious.

I like Skyping or hearing her talk. Because she speaks so freely and she reminds me so much of Mom and Nicole. I like IMing or texting her because her personality shines through like no other. Of everything, she reminds me of Mom. And in ways it brings comfort and in ways in bring pain of the empty bedroom down the hallway. I hear her and it's like hearing Mom again.

What I would do to really hear Mom's voice again. What I would do to see her making breakfast or for the chance for me to make breakfast for her. What I would give to hold her hands and hug her once more.

When does this grieve end, someone please tell me.
I am so sick of crying and grieving.

Mama, help, please.
I need help, Mama.

Words I Can't Get Myself To Say

There's a part of me that always knows that this will happen sometimes in the future, whether it's online or in person. I just didn't know it would be this soon.

The same question was asked over and over today, both on Twitter and in person. "Where's mom?"
And I couldn't find the words to answer the question. On Twitter, I posted a link to the blog post for that person and nothing more. In person, I said, "away" and let the silence rang through the air.

I never thought it would be this difficult to answer a simple question. I never thought a question like that would make me hurt, physically. I felt my heart ache when the question was asked. It hurts.

Earlier today, I read Mr. Lance Armstrong's blog post For Stacy and just like that, missed Mom like never before. I missed her smile, I miss her cooking, I miss her words, I miss her.

I cried then the question came and my heart stopped.
I couldn't find the words to answer the question. And soon realized that it's only been 4 months since Mom passed away and already it felt like eternity. And that eternity feel made me believe that I could answer "Where's mom?" but I couldn't.

I couldn't say the words to explained what happened. I wouldn't say the one sentence that would answer the question. I just couldn't. There are just words I can't get myself to say. Even thinking about it makes my heart ache.

I can't say it even if I want to explain what's going on. I've already done it once through writing that blog and somehow, saying it again seems impossible.

So forgive me, people who asked me that question. I can't answer that in a short sentence because of how much it hurts me. Please make your way to the blog post and your question will be answered.

Once again, I'm sorry. There are just words I can't get myself to say.
At least, not yet.

I love you, Mama. Sarah's growing up so fast and we miss you every day.

When Families Grieve

I just spend an hour crying with Sarah on my lap.

I sat with Sarah and cried while Sarah tried to cheer me up by just being herself.

Tonight was PBS's premiere of When Families Grieve and initially I didn't want to watch this show. I knew it was too soon to be watching things like this and watching it would be a horrible idea. But for some reason, I DVR it. I didn't want to watch it in the first place, but I DVR it.

And like the elephant in the room. I watched the entire episode tonight.

Let me first say that PBS did a great job putting this show together. This is one of the reason that I love Sesame Street and PBS. They will get the information and put it in an amazing way through words you can understand. But that doesn't mean it didn't make me cry.

Not even two minutes into the show, I started crying. Sitting along in the house with Sarah, I cried through the show. In some ways, I know I'm not alone but in another, I am. I wonder, "How many 19 year olds lose their Mom to cancer then have to care for his 5 months old sister while his Dad is away?" But I guess that's life?

I watched the show with Sarah knowing that she wouldn't understand. But she surprised me and stared at the TV till she passed out on my lap. Maybe she knew all along, I don't know. I just wish Dad was here to watch this show with me. Because watching and listening to the parents talk, I was starting to understand what the parents (and in ways Dad) deal with when they're are grieving and what they do after their best friend dies. And well, I know Dad deals with more. And I don't know how he does it but I guess that's Dad for you.

There were a lot of things talked about on the show that seems great for someone going through a grieving process. But to me, it's kind of crazy for me to practice the process. But truly, in ways, I am trying to pertain that into my life. With Dad working and Sarah at such a young age, it's going to be difficult. And with Sarah and my age at such a big difference, it's going to be difficult. But I will try and am trying.

In the episode Katie Couric said that when her husband (Jay) died, she had all his friends write about Jay. And on Jay's birthday, she would read the letters/stories to her daughters. That, is something I will do, starting tomorrow. I'm going to ask everyone who knew Mom to write something about her. So when Sarah is older, I can read it to her and let Sarah know all about Mom and how amazing Mom really is.

This is going to be a difficult process. But hopefully, I will find some way to make everything better, not only for myself, but for Sarah and Dad too. Thank you for everyone's support during this process, this is going to be a long and non-accessible road but hey, there will always be places that are not accessible.

You can find more about When Families Grieve on PBS

Are you okay?

First off, thank you for everyone's comments and support you guys are giving me. A lot of people have read my last blog and been asking me if I'm doing ok or if I'm alright. And well...here's your answer...

On the way home from the Commissary, the radio played Darryl Worley's I Miss My Friend. Midway through his sentence, Dad stopped talking and never continued.

I may have said before that we needed to "get away" from the Ranch and from all of the current events but there are just things that we CANNOT avoid. There are just things that we're not used to yet (and I wonder if we'll ever get use to it) And there are even things that we just don't know HOW to move on without Mom.

Things like:

• Going to the PX/Commissary without Mom.
  
• Prepping or even having dinner at home.
  
• Setting one less plate when we do eat at home.
  
• Selling Mom's car
  
• Turning off Mom's phone
  
• Resetting the answering machine
  

and so much more...

Even though we know one day we have to move on with our lives, right now, we can't. (Or maybe we can never move on) Right now, Mom's voice on the answering machine warms (and at the same time breaks) our hearts. Right now, Mom's car in the driveway somehow reassures us that Mom's just away for a business trip and shall return soon. I don't know why Dad and I keep fooling ourselves like this but maybe this is our way of dealing (or rather not dealing) with everything. Things truly aren't the same without Mom, our eating habits are different, our breathing habits are different. WE are different. Mom was the backbone of this family and now without her, Dad and I are just trying to form something out of our gelatin body but can't. We simply can't. Mom seems to be the person that kept Dad and I sane. And now we're just trying to look as sane as possible. So the world will believe we're sane. So our friends and family will believe we're doing alright. So we can fool ourselves and telling ourselves that it's alright. But it's not alright. Mom dying is not alright. Dad and I aren't alright (but we sure do a good job pretending we are) We miss you, Mama. Teach us how to be right again. Edit: Let it be known that it was extremely difficult for me to write this. I don't usually admit that I'm not doing alright. In fact, this is the first time I've say that I'm not alright. Trust me, this never happens.

Challenges of 2nd Life

I think in this world...there are people that are either ignorant or just simply, stupid. They're not just simply stupid, they like to try and piss off the entire world just so they can be happy.

This is a "conversation" that I "had" with this user on TeenSpot

SethAsylum> I remember a while back that you weren't a Moderator, then I just saw you today and you're a Moderator and I'm like wtf?! so I look at your profile
SethAsylum> And you being in a wheelchair is probably one of the main reasons they made you a Moderator.
SethAsylum> They wanted to be "niiiiiiiiice"
SethAsylum> : )

By the time he said these three lines, I was already extremely pissed. But I tried my best to now show anger online, after all it is just the inter-web. Yet he continued...

SethAsylum> Cause that's what they do with people who are less fortunate
SethAsylum> We've all seen it.
SethAsylum> Well, you are in a wheelchair, that's unfortunate right?

and continued...

SethAsylum> You think I hate people who are in wheelchairs, knipe ?
SethAsylum> Apparently, it's not ok to explain my way of thinking.
SethAsylum> The truth hurts.
SethAsylum> I didn't mean anything by it, Knipe.

By the time he said this, I was about to go off on him. There was a lot of things I can say to convey what I was feeling at that time. But I just sat still read what he wrong and took it. As mad and as pissed of as I was, I had to remind myself that there are just people like that out there. And well, this is one of the challenges of having a 2nd chance at life. There WILL be stupid people like that and who doesn't see the wrong in what they believe in.

That's one of the challenges of living again I guess.
I just hope I don't ever have to meet one in person, I wouldn't have been so calm as I did earlier today.

Transition and Square One

Blog Going Under Construction!

This is a small heads up that there are going to be some changes around here.

1. Regular blogging (when I feel like it) will continue to be posted here on WordPress. Eventually the entire blog is going to be transferred to Blogger.

2. Before that transition can happen, I want to make sure I can make a petty sweet new blog as a tester. (Which will eventually turn into my personal website- if it turns out well, if not, it'll just continue to be a blog or many blogs)

So the picture perfect situation would be things turn out well and I have an entire website divided into sections for different blog/rantings of mine on top of other contents.

That probably won't happen so it'll most likely just different links to Blogspot for different blogs/rants (of course, they'll be links to 'em on the main blog- posts transferred from here)

If you're wondering what the tester is going to be about, it'll be of movies/products reviews and well, probably other reviews if I can think of more. But overall, it's going to be a reviews blog, and yes I already have a name for it. I'll most likely stick with the name but who knows I might change it.

3. More blogs/rants will be added, on the count that the website works, if not, well I probably won't have multiple blogs and just stick with my normal one and the reviews one.

If you have a website or a blog that you think it's pretty cool and would love to share how you put it up, please let me know. If you got any good ideas or suggestions, also let me know. Even if you think you're blog isn't cool looking at all, don't doubt yourself, if you're on my Blogroll to the right, you're already cool. So, please, I will take all the comments/suggestions/help I can get.

This isn't some small project I'm doing. This is going to be huge and most likely complicated project. In fact, my goal is to have the end-product so impressive, it's going to be good enough to pass this blog writing tradition onto further generations. So they too, can write about their thoughts and dreams and share it with the world.

So really, don't be shy on the comments (on here or catch me on Twitter), suggestions, and so forth, I will take all that you can dish out at me.

Thanks in advance.

Another thing to add that's got nothing to do with the previous announcement. I saw Avatar today, in 3D. I must say overall, I was glad the way they made it into a 3D movie, it wasn't obnoxious (in ways that it pops out in your face) so that made me some what happy about the way it was filmed. (There will be a more formal movie review later on over at Knuckles Reviews)

Avatar theatrical release poster

What made me think and got me wondering (I still am by the way, it's been almost 9 hours since I left the theater and I haven't stop thinking about it since and truth be told, it's making me depressed. But I can't stop thinking about it) about a lot of stuff.

The movie have many themes and truly if you think about it, it's like a layer of themes. Right off the bat someone can tell you there are two major things they can tell by watching this movie.

The last one...is something that no stranger on the street would thought of. The last theme can most likely come close to you if you know what it's like. If you seen the movie, you should know the few quotes that Jake Sully (the main character) said:

"Sooner or later, though, you always have to wake up."

"I don't know who I am anymore."

"Everything is backwards now, like out there is the true world and in here is the dream."

After watching Avatar, it's making me think and rather, I feel so connect to this movie on a personal level, it's making me hurt, a lot. And it's bringing back the conflicts I have put aside for years.

The number of times I wanted to fall asleep faster so I can dream of a world without my troubles. The number of times I wake up and getting slammed in the face with reality. It's a conflict...a major conflict.

Even with movies like Avatar that can capture my daily conflicts, it doesn't help me solve it. Because there is no Pandora and being an Avatar, is impossible.

"Sooner or later, though, you always have to wake up."

Waking up never seem so scary and pointless...

Am I back in Square One?
I think so...no...
I know so.

Scaring the Shit Out of Me

I'm in a writing mood so this is going to be a long blog. Don't worry about reading it if you don't feel like it. I just feel like writing.

When you're a kid, I think you tend to enjoy the story told by other people, especially by your grandparents. I don't know about anyone else but I sure love listening to my grandparents' stories. There's just something about their stories (maybe because they are grandparents? Haha) that would capture my mind every single time, no matter how many times they repeat it.

As technology got better by the year, I tried to teach my Grandparents what I know about computers, emails, phones, and so on in hopes that I can bring 'em joy to learning new things as they bring me joy for telling me about the past. They love the idea of today's phones and ability to call anyone in the world within minutes. (As my Great-Grandpa tells it "PHONES?! PHONES?! WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, YOU RUN TO THE PERSON'S HOUSE TO TALK TO 'EM! PHONES, HA, WHAT A JOKE!")

But when it comes computers and emails, I guess they're not ready to learn these new technologies yet. My Grandparents still don't know how to turn ON the computer let along USE one to get online, use Skype, and other good programs the computer offers. Guess it's going to be awhile before they catch on to this new idea. (You should hear my Grandpa rant about how he knew the M3 Stuart like the back of his own hands, now "this machine...this horrible machine!" haha :P)

There is a reason behind all my madness. If I can get my Grandparents to use the computer, there would be less money spend on say...postage (though I must say getting snail mail is still pretty cool) or even phone bills (Thank you Skype!) And with the amount of times we move around, emails and say text? (haha, can't wait till I have to explain that to my Grandparents) would be easier to communicate. But guess we'll just have to wait till that happens.

So, my Grandparents tends to just call us when they wish to talk. I don't mind that, I love talking to my Grandparents (even if it means staying on the phone for hours) but when they start going into story mode, that's usually when I put everything down to listen to what they have to say. (Telephone stories ain't better than stories live but hey, better than no stories!)

And that's how it was on Monday (December 7th) and I'm sure many of you already know which day it was. As President FDR said it man years ago, December 7th is "A Date Which Will Live in Infamy" Now my Grandparents didn't know each other when the attack on Pearl Harbor happened, but they sure got some nice story to tell. So for hours, my Grandparents each told their own story as if they were right in the house with us. And if you can believe it or not, the stories still captured my mind and full attention.

I think it's a skill, to be able to tell stories through the phone and still have everyone flabbergasted, ya it takes skills.

Sure makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to tell stories like my Grandparents. And also makes me wonder if Sarah will love their stories like I am now.

Second:

I have said it before, people give me more credit than I deserve in this life time. I'm not as smart as people think I am and I have done many things I regret. I have found that when people see my grades or test scores, they assume I am smart. They assume I get the materials that's taught by the teacher or every little things in life. Most of the time, I don't get it at all. A simple material needs to be reviewed by me many times before it finally register in my mind and that's just how I am, sorry if I throw you off.

What got me wonder the most is when people ask me "are you trying to convince me you don't get this? are you trying to say you're really that stupid?" It seem to be one of the popular questions of this semester. I truly don't know how to answer that one but, "yes I guess I am really that stupid."

Guys, I'm not as smart as you think I am and if that means give me less credit, please do so. My grades...I work my butt off for 'em. My scores, study for hours to get the score I want. I truly am a lot less than what people give me credit for. I'm not born smart or with a talent, I just work my butt off every time.

Third:

I think ever since Sean's passing, cancer's been a touchy subject for a lot of us. A difficult enough thing for us to deal with even if it's just on TV. (During Thanksgiving, as soon as we saw a commercial about cancer, we would switch the channel just to avoid hearing it) It's not that we don't wish to talk about Sean and how great of a person he was, but really, this subject is just something we as a family try to avoid.

But it's the when you least expect it, it hits you the hardest. Going through my Favorites on Twitter one night, I saw a tweet of me and Sean making caricature designs. And as I clicked on Sean's design I froze. Because that design is now a perfect world thing.

In a perfect world, Sean would still be alive.
In a perfect world, that family would not be missing a wonderful son and little boy.
In a perfect world, kids like Sean wouldn't have to suffer.
In a perfect world, shit like this just don't happen.

I sure miss the little guy. Every day, little things I do reminds me of him. The weather, the cars, homework, everything. And boy, what I would do to see him again. Maybe play a little football, race around the block, or just hang out like we used to, I'd do anything to see the little guy again. And I'm sure everyone is feeling the same thing, especially Sean's parents.

Forth and last:

Awhile ago, I wrote something about Dreams and Nightmares. The dreams (nightmares, whatever you want to call 'em) haven't stopped. And somehow, my brain is playing 'em like a movie and a broken record.

Someone once DM me on Twitter and asked me if I ever thought of maybe having PTSD. I told her "No" because these little things I go through is nothing compare to what my Dad or other people gone through. I don't need help, they need help because they deserve it. That person told me, "This is about you, no one else in the world, it's about you."

Maybe she's right.

This morning, Mom asked me if I was doing ok and truly ok. She told me she's concerned about me and there are a few things that she just can't keep ignoring. I don't know why I lied to her but I told her I'm fine. I didn't correct myself or told her sorry that I lied. I lied straight to my Mother's face and she accepted the lie.

I'm changing and it's scaring the shit out of me. It's making my parents worry. And worse, it's making me lose many friends I've made.

Tonight will mark the third time someone tell me (both online and in person) "You make no sense." Truth is...I know I make no sense. I don't make sense to myself. I'm changing to someone I'm not familiar with and it's scaring the shit out of me. This isn't the person I grew up with and know. This ain't me at all.

I'm changing and it's scaring the shit out of me.

Can't Always Have What You Want

I'm on the flight home from California. A friend had a ballet performance of The Nutcracker so I thought I come out to CA to support her. I must say though I'm not a fan of shows like that, she did great. I'm extremely proud of her and I'm glad I made the trip out just to see her perform.

Now, as I am slowly flying out of California and working my way towards the Nevada border, I'm thinking of a lot of things that we want that we may not be able to get.

When we are young, the candy at the store seems like the best things to have. And even after we build up the courage to ask our parents, they tend to say no. And trying to get them to say yes, we cry, whine, and more. But that doesn't seem to work either. So thus, we end up crying our heads off when we leave the store.

We can't always have what we like and what we want.

As we get older and able to provide for ourselves, we try to full fill all the wants in our lives. Maybe your child wants a Transformer for Christmas. Maybe your husband wants a new XBOX and the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. Maybe you want that iPhone or Droid you've been hearing so much about. And most of the time, those who can provide for themselves and their family do full fill every one's wants. (Maybe not every day, maybe say once a year, during Christmas)

But there are also times that you wish you can have something or even someone but sure it will never happen. It's as if you are sitting in your classroom, wishing that boy or girl would turn around and just notice you. Or even, that person will come out of their relationship to notice you, to see how much you are willing to provide for 'em just to make 'em happy .

We can't always have what we want.

I don't use the word "Love" very often. I hardly say it, I hardly type it, and I sure don't try to manipulate it into words like "ILY" or "ILYT". Love, like hate, is a strong emotion and I truly believe if used in the wrong context, you can hurt the person you are talking to. And worse, you may hurt yourself. Aside from my family, I try not to use the L word that often.

Nor do I believe that "Love" can be find without people meeting each other. Nor can a person fall for another without meeting and get to know the person. As technology gets better and better, I often laugh at the online dating sites that tend to sound so perfect for finding your "right match". Who wouldn't want to find their "right match" with just a few clicks? But is it truly possible? I don't believe it, not at all. Such thing couldn't have happen for two people who never met each other to suddenly "become the best match and live happily ever after" Can it? Is life truly like a fairy tale?

I don't believe it but why is this happening to me. I didn't know her a year ago. I have never met her, I've only met her online and talked to her through chat rooms and Skype. And now, 11 months later, I think I'm slowly falling for her. Seeing her name makes me happy. Hearing her voice makes me smile. Her words make me laugh, her personality shines through the screen. And every time I talk to her on Skype, all the troubles of my day seem to disappear.

I think of her often, even when I'm not on the computer I think of her name. When I don't talk to her, I hope and pray that she is ok and life is treating her well. Hearing her talk about her troubles makes my heart ache. Hearing her talk about her shitty day makes me wish there is something I can do to make it better. To make everything better.

We can't always have what we want.

And that is very true. As much as I'd like to get to know her better and truly get to know her, it will most likely not happen. She is having a relationship trouble her own and caught between the past with a former (also current?) boyfriend and looking into the future. I can't get myself to interrupt anything that will ruin her mindset and disrupt her. As much as I think I'm falling for her and would love to get to know her better, I just want her happy. Even if it makes my heart ache every time she talks about her relationship problems and troubles, I'll listen and hope that my words can some what cheer her up, my ears can some how release her worries and troubles. I just want her happy.

We can't always have what we want.
But I sure wish I can. I'm falling for her and I don't know what to do.

To this person: (who probably never reads my blog) I am falling for you. I ache with you when you ache, I'm sad with you when you're sad. And when you smile and laugh, it sure makes my day a whole lot better knowing that you are happy.

One night you talked about the man you are looking for and the things that you don't like in a man. As those words flow through my headphones, I ache knowing that I am that man that you are looking for. I ache knowing that I most likely will never have the chance to prove it to you. And most of all, I ache knowing that you are not happy. That though the past with him were great, you are looking for something and someone better.

I know that anything I am feeling now may just what other people call "small crush" and that this feeling leads to nothing but a dead end, but I am telling you now, I am falling for you.

Whatever happens, I wish you well, I wish you happy, and all the smiles are pure joy and not a cover for the hurt and pain that is within you.

We can't always have what we want.
But I'd sure love to have her.

Oregon v Oregon St, 37-33

USC v Arizona, 21-17
Alabama v Florida, 32-13 (GO BAMA!)

Cal at Washington, 42-10

Texas at Nebraska, 13-12 (Truly thought Texas would score more points against Nebraska, guess not they're not as good as we thought...)

Statistics may just fuck you up, big time.

With all the recent bull shit going on, I got to say something because if I keep holding it in, I'll eventually burst.

No matter how you feel about a person, it seems as if they just don't care because you are moving soon. And everything fun were wiped away from memory and just death and lonesome. There was a reason I asked the girl to prom, I like her, I enjoy her company and hopefully, she enjoys mine. Towards the end of prom, I couldn't hold in my breath, I told her the truth.

"I want to keep going with this, but I don't know how. I'm moving, you're graduating and..."

She didn't say anything more other than we should have a good time while we still can. I agreed. And what end up happening was heartaches and loneliness. Though she kept apologizing on the way home, there was nothing anyone could do to fix the broken heart and that feeling of dead, cold, silence.

I've only felt this way about one another girl and now, it seems as if I would never feel that way again. And I often times say "Never said never" but really, I thought about it, that was how much it hurt.

During dinner, Mom asked me about prom, I lied and said it was good and we both had a great time. Half lie I guess, I did had a good time, that is til she left me completely alone for the rest of the night. And after that the amount of "sorry" doesn't cut it. I drove her home, thanked her mom for allowing me bring her daughter to prom, and left. And it felt as if I left my heart in the car, somewhere lost in the dust.

So after attempting to make myself somewhat "happy", I decided to stop studying for the AP test this Friday. I should have kept studying.

Years ago, when I got hurt, the doctor told me the chances of me getting someone pregnant is extremely slim but there are still ways to do it if I really want to settle down and have a family. I did research after research just to see where I stand. And it seem as if when I'm ready to have a kid, it's possible.

I never thought it would be now. "Accidents happen" people say, but not like this. I decided to trust some statistics than instinct. I decided to trust some statistics than what I learned from class. I never did the right thing and wore protection and now, I am faced with the one of the most difficult events of my life. Yes it wasn't smart and though the girl already made up her mind she will not keep the kid, somehow, it affects me more than she will ever know.

Growing up, I learned not to ask "what if" and those questions only create fear, doubt, and more. But this time I could not helped myself. As soon as I was told the test results, the "what ifs" began to flow, and they haven't stop either.

"What if this is the last time I can have a kid."
"What if she keeps it."
"What if Dad finds out."

All the "what ifs" can fill an ancient well by now. And with her decision of not keeping it, my feelings now stood on a thin line. A thin line between happy and extreme depression. Happy that I have the chance to not make that mistake again but depress that this, just might be the only "kid" I will ever have.

And somehow, a little man in my head said, "I told you so..." followed by the "you should never have made that last tackle...we wouldn't have this problem now."

The "shouldn't" and "what ifs" are slowly killing me tonight, but only through writing may I show it is. I can't afford to have everything break down just because of my emotions. This move, mom being pregnant, I can't afford to have it break down, not now, not ever.

While "everything happen" for a reason, I now wonder why the recent events, especially within the last 48 hours, turned out the way they did. And while I sit here reading people's words on a friendly site, my mind is wondering off of the "what ifs" and "shit...I fucked up"

Because I did, I fucked up and now I pay the price.

Forgive me, the "kid" I made.
Forgive me, sweet Kelly, for feeling anything.
Forgive me, God, for the mistakes I've done.