Thursday, October 29, 2009

Transition to LifeTransition to Life

Been here for 15 days and in ways, I'm not ready to go home (ya I know I've wanted to get out of here since I got here but...) I think rehab did a toll on me.

I think after I got hurt, rehab was the biggest thing in my life. In some ways you're like a baby again, sometimes there's excitement in re-learning things like sitting up, use the chair, eat, hold a spoon, and even go to the bathroom but really most of the time you feel childish for doing all these things.

And slowly you shut yourself down, not towards others, but yourself.

There's a lot of things you can learn in rehab from your OT or PT, there's a lot things you pick up yourself or learn it from the advice of other people in rehab.

But no matter how much you learn in rehab, there's something they won't ever teach you.

How to make the transition better, easier, and less awkward for you, your friends and your family. Ya there might be little things you learn or didn't learn in rehab but the transition, the awkwardness, the fear, nightmare, and how to deal with it all and more is something you'll never learn in rehab.

So likewise, towards the end of your rehab stay, you tend to not want to go home. It's not world that scares you but the transition, the nightmares and awkwardness that tends to scare you the most.

I guess staying at the hospital for this long is reminding me of that fear and though I'll eventually get over it, it's another fear I don't wish to add on my list. I guess in ways the human body always fear for something and well that is just one of my many fears.

I talked to the doctor today, he sees no more reason for keeping me here and said I can leave tomorrow if I wish. that I have the permission to leave, I don't want to. There are things I fear and wish to avoid at this point of my life, yet, there's no way of me hiding from it. Even if it means I fall off the ends of the world.

Like I said before, I am very much FUBAR and I don't know how to fix ways I don't think I can or ever will.

Thus is life I guess.

In other news, Mom's been going to the clinic every couple days now (for check ups and what not...) According to the doctor, the baby is arriving soon (he said probably around 3rd or 4th? Mom wish it was now, she's had enough of this baby in her) Of which I guess it kind of gives me the "need" to get home ASAP so I can get everything in order and do what I need to do to prep for this baby to come.

Dad isn't home yet and well I'm still not sure what Mom wants to do for name. She still got the name "Sarah" in mind. As for the middle name, I guess it's my job or something. (My friend Brooke and I came up with these: Nicole, Audrey, Ashlynn, and Baylee, so I don't know maybe Mom will ok these. More suggestions would be good)

I often wonder if life can be normal for me, but then I remembered being a cripple, a brat, and a human mean there is no normality.

But sure is crazy though. I'm going to do my best to live out these last few days on my own. Soon, there will be a little one I drag around or sitting on my lap. I personally can't wait, though I can do without the crying and poop and so on. Mom and I came to the agreement that I can do everything except the diaper change- because of my grip thing and well, the changing station is too high for me. So until Dad gets home, I'll be pulling most of the night shifts and feeding and what not. Really hope I don't mess up.

That strange feeling is still there. Kind of more nervous feeling than others. Really hoping I'll be a good brother. Really hoping that I won't drop the kid, or have any kind of influence on her that will mess her up later. A lot of people say it's normal and we'll see I guess. Really hope when we're in our 30s and 40s, we'll look back and know everything was good.


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