Friday, October 9, 2009

We'll Miss You and We Already Are

I once asked Sean if he can have one wish, just one, what would he wish for. He sat on my lap laughing and picking out all sorts of things from being a superhero to being just like his Dad, a Marine. From meeting a Transformer to being "all grown up" and as I told him he could only have one. He giggled and told me. "Three!" and I smile and told him, "Ok three" We had just finished watching Aladdin, and I'm sure that's where he got the three from

I said a wish. Sean says Three.

I wonder if Sean knew it all along. I wonder if he wanted to fight long enough to see his parents again. I wonder about a lot of things right now...

It's been a long journey, for all of us. And I think Sean knows it more than any of us do. I think he already knew when things started to go downhill. It's still a dream to me. Nothing seems normal at this point.

The new spot on brain, cancer cells is CSF, small lesion turns into tumor, then more tumors, seizures. Make-a-wish (or rather, three), more seizures, stats are dropping, need oxygen, catheter, morphine, Ativan, phenobarbital, Codeine, Zofran, Visteril, Morphine, more morphine. Nothing seems normal anymore.

The scared look on his face made all of us scared. He's just skin and bones, fighting for his last breath, mumbled "Mama" and "Daddy"

He fought till he couldn't no more.

I never thought I would hear those words about my 5 year old cousin. He's 5, for fucking sakes, 5. But after this morning, the words will forever be in my heart and mind. He's gone. Sean fought until the last painful breath. I'm not going to lie and tell everyone how peaceful he was. Because it was NOTHING peaceful about it. Sean was like a fish out of the water, trying so hard to breathe, but nothing.

When he started having a hard time breathing I went to get Mom. I sat on the side of the bed as Mom climbed in, we started talking to him. We told him that everything will be okay and that soon, very soon, his Mom and Dad will be home. We told him how proud we were of him and how much proud both of his parents are. I told him to say Hi to God and Jesus for me. I told him that there are a lot of brave soldier and marines waiting for him. That he will be safe and okay. Mom told him he wouldn't hurt anymore. I told him good night, I told him I loved him and Mom did the same.

We took off his shirt so we could touch him (Mom said that he could feel us and we needed to feel him...) Mom put her hand on his chest. Told me she could feel his heart beat. Then it slowed down. We weren't there to hear his first heartbeat but we felt his last one.

He fought as long as he could, he fought hard in hopes to see his parents again. He fought till he couldn't no more.

I miss the little guy. My bond with Sean is indescribable. I mean, I know we're not supposed to pick favorites but out of all the cousins in the family, I got to say I like Sean the most. There's just something about him, I don't know, something special about him. We're roughly 13 years apart and really, you'd think we'd be farther apart. But he was like my own little brother. At two years old, he of all people climbed onto my hospital bed (after I got hurt), smiled and hid his face right in my arms. He taught me with smile and laughter, there's nothing you can't conquer. That smile, that joy is something I can never and will never forget.

His body lay peacefully in the bed and we know he's already in Heaven, enjoying the Sun, the clouds, and many years of no pain and worries. As Grandpa (and many others) have told me before, "It's never goodbye, it's see you later."

See you later buddy, don't forget us.
Run, play, have no worries.
We'll miss you, and we already are.

Thank you to everyone who's been there for me and my family. Thank you for the emails and the Tweets (not to mention DMs) asking how Mom and I are doing. We are, well, as well as we can be at this point. We are both sad that Sean's gone but know he is no longer in pain. And with the end of this precious life, we know soon that our family will be joined by another. Maybe this is God's plan all along, or at least I think it is.

A lot of things (as far as funerals and flowers go) are, of course, still up to my Aunt and Uncle. We manage to get a word out to my Aunt and Uncle and well, at this point, we're not sure when either of 'em will be back in the states or how long their leave will be. Either way, we're here too help 'em with any thing they need.

For those who would like to help, I think Mom and I couldn't agree more the best way is to help others who are currently fighting this disease. Hospitals and organizations like St. Jude's Children Research Hospital, Cure Childhood Cancer, and Cure Search really help with the cause of finding a cure. This is a horrible disease and monster, one that no kid like Sean should ever need to fight.

I truly hope that one day, kids like Sean can grow up thinking about their favorite cartoon rather than how many more rounds of Chemotherapy they need to go through just to survive.

To all the brave little warriors out there, I salute you.
To all the families, I salute you.
To Sean, you'll always be my favorite. But don't tell anyone, they'll be jealous.

Rest well and play well buddy, you deserve it.


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