Thursday, May 28, 2009

Long Journey through Life

At 0250 early Thursday morning, I slowly realized that I am no longer a junior. And somehow...even though I want time to slow down, in the same time, I want time to speed up. With what's ahead of my life, the move, with Sean, with school and friends from all over the world, I just can't hold in the excitement.

And at times...I wonder what is best. With Sean, everything I do to him, in someways, I think is as if a superhero is doing it. He likes standing in the bathroom while I shave in the morning, he likes watching me put on my shoes, not to mention he likes watching me have breakfast and rush him to the car to start off our day.

But to me, I wonder if this is all right for him. I wonder what he can not communicate, I wonder what his head would say to me if it would talk. About the pain, the hurt, or even how scare it is to never reach its full potential. While thinking that...I just wouldn't know how to answer.

And when he come out of the bathroom after puking for several minutes. He let out a smile and said, let's read. I wonder how he does it and I wonder how millions of people who get affected by cancer do it.

People tell me my life is hard. What I go through is hard with the paralysis, the school, home, and friends. But really, looking at Sean and a good friend of mine, this ain't so bad, really, it ain't.

And somehow in turn I lay in bed at night wondering if there was something more that I can do for Sean and others. If there was anything I can even say to them that would just make them feel that much better.

And I still haven't come up with an answer. And truthfully...I don't think I can rest until I do.

To the person reading this in the future. I no longer know how to sleep. I no longer how to rest. And hearing you talk and asking me questions if I would go to bed, of course I would, just to settle you. But truth is...I have lost my ability to sleep and rest.

It's not because of the recent activities. Trust me, it's not. This have been going on for awhile now...

And maybe too long.
Who knows....

It's 0300...if Sean can get some sleep...I think I'll go for a run. If he can't sleep, I think I'll take him on a run with me.

And may the rain fall down on our faces to finally wash away the troubles, the hurt, the pain, and the sleepless nights.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

I never liked summer

Funny when you're young, all you can think about is summer. Because no school means more fun. No school means no homework and the ability to go out and run with your friends and jump in the pool and just have fun. I was just like that before and I don't know what happened but that innocence have been long gone.

I have both brat friends and civilian friends and summer seem like the time I don't know which group of people I belong in. I'm stuck in the middle and at times feel as if both groups are pulling me close to them. Both groups want me to feel welcomed and in a way, loved. But what end up happening is me getting lost, confused, and hurt even more.

There's just two days of school left after the Memorial Day break. Two days and I feel as if school is already left and gone. The friends I've made here are no longer close friends but "just friends" somewhere out there. The people I know on post is no longer the people I say hi to when I walk pass them. They're just "people" now. And like me, I flow in the middle wondering what's going on.

So I realized, I never liked summer. Well I did...but no longer do I cherish the feel of "summer vacation" because when you're a brat, there really isn't "vacation" or "breaks" you're constantly a brat and constantly breathing both the fun and dreadful life of being a brat.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the school year is over. Everyone can use a break from school work every once awhile but really, I'd rather have all those back. I rather be extremely busy with school than nothing to do at all. Like right now, laying out on the couch, watching ESPN and wondering about life.

Which eventually...I thought about Dad. For my civilians friends who are reading this tonight, you don't want to be my friend. In fact, I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to hear about why your parents yelled at you. I don't want to hear about the fight you and your Dad got into. Right now, I'm not your friend. Because in the mist of "what my family is going to do this summer" I can't help but think about Dad and what we're going to do.

Nothing, probably. Just like last summer and the one before that and the one before that.

Funny when someone is here, you hate them and when they are not, you want them to be here. I can still remember the days I "hated" my Dad for smoking me after I did something wrong. I "hated" my dad not allowing me to go to the pool with the guys and so much more. Right now, at this moment, I wish he was smoking me for leaving the lights on, for leaving shit around the house, anything....anything at all.

Right now I'm not proud to be an Army brat.
Right now I'm not fund of the Army.
Right now, I just want my Dad home.

And somewhere in me, there's a little Matt saying.
"When you coming home Daddy."

"When you coming home Daddy."

Friday, May 22, 2009

One of those days...

If you're not fund of people bitching out and being all "emo" I suggest you stop reading right now. Don't say I didn't warn you because yes, I am having a very very bad day and really, just one of those days.

During a times when technology is so powerful, I at times found it amazing what the power of the internet can teach you about the world and even the people.

From one stranger's word about football, all-American, championship rings. You tend to wonder if all of it was even true. But in the back of your head, you can't help but wonder the what ifs. And today...this Friday morning, I am wondering what if. I am thinking the "sure be nice to do something for a change"

You read the words and wondering if the person on the other end of it actually know what he's talking about. You wonder if he will ever take your advice and somewhere in the back of your head, you wonder if you could ever be who you want to be many years ago.

Playing for Ohio State, USC, or even Florida was my dream. Playing college football, no matter what school, was my ultimate happiness. From the days of running the plays during football camp to summer training, it was my life. I truly was happy. I couldn't wait for the night to be over with and day to start just so I can put on the pads and go running for miles. I was on top of the world and really I could care less where I run to and how far. I was having fun and I was happy.

Seems sort of funny now thinking back to the bets everyone in the family made with another about who will have the most yards by the time they graduate high school. We even had all the records written down on paper. And seems like every morning, it'd be on the fridge calling out my name, calling me out to motivate me to get just one yard farther than I did before.

I never thought myself to be an over achiever or even someone who set outrageous goals. Thinking maybe, just maybe I can get enough yards to fill a football field worth, I'd be happy. I still remember the sheet of paper on our fridge, every morning I'd take a look at it and every morning, that number stared right back at me.

Funny when you even set goals for one game and my first official game, I gave myself a small number for no other reason other than I want to have fun. Nothing but good old American football and a couple hits, couple yards and nothing else would matter. I still remember my Dad jokingly said to me, "Get 5 TDs and I will buy you a car, no I will buy you anything."

And to think I was even close enough to hit that mark...

Now, almost 3 years later, I am wondering the what ifs. I am wondering what would have happened that night and how many TDs and yards I would have gained. My mind started to wonder and slowly...what once was my happiness turned into hungry vultures eating slowly away at my heart and soul.

I'm not going to lie, I threw things I broke things to try and release this anger, this sadness and pain. But I am constantly reminded of what happened. Of who I am now and who I will be for a long time. And really, once your mind start to wonder, it's hard to pull it back.

It'd be great if I can do something else for a change...even if it's just for a couple hours...

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Make Each Day Your Best

Sitting next to my cousin's hospital bed at 0100 hours, I realized, once again, how fragile life can be. With his curiosity and a 5-year old's mind, he asked, "Am I gonna die, Matt?"

And such little words almost had me break down right in front of him. I don't even remember how I reassured him, but I did. I told him that everything will be alright and soon the doctors will make him feel better. I didn't know what else to say, it felt as if I was standing right in front of St. Pete and he asked me the one question that I can not answer.

This morning Sean seemed to be doing quite well. He ate all of his breakfast and loved going out with me to the PX and love picking out things we need around the house. I guess good things never last long, shortly after lunch, he started tearing up and crying for his parents.

And just like that...I saw myself in him. I saw myself asking and wondering where Dad is and why he's gone all the time. I know how it feels and just can't imagine what Sean is going through with both of his parents gone. After an hour of trying, I sat him down on my lap and slowly taught him to type "I love you Mommy and Daddy" from my keyboard. I even made a promise to him that tomorrow, he can make something and we'll mail it out to his Dad on Monday.

And that somewhat brought a smile to his face. "I wanna give this to Daddy." he said pointing at his action figures. I grinned and began to wonder if that was how I was when I was his age. One minute crying another smiling and full of excitement of sending Dad something over the mail.

During dinner, Sean couldn't stop laughing and making jokes to Mom and I. And somehow "HOLY COW!" have become his favorite words. I think it was one of the best dinner we've had, ever, we just couldn't stop laughing.

Just as the laughter continued, Sean dropped his fork and started seizing. Mom and I acted quick, with her holding Sean and me getting the car ready. I don't think I ever get in my car that fast and I don't remember last time I drove this fast to the hospital.

After some tests, the doctor said it was reaction from the tumors and he might have to stay in the hospital for awhile to do more test and maybe even more intense chemotherapy and radiation. After we were told the news, I volunteered to stay in the hospital with Sean and told Mom to go home and rest. I guess in a time of least one of us need to stay sane, somehow...

And just like that, one question had me thinking about life. "Am I gonna die, Matt?" It's when I got hurt I realized how fragile life can be and within minutes everything can be taken away from you. And with what happened tonight, I was reminded yet again that life is nothing to be skipping out on and truly, make every moment last and make each day your best day.

Now it's 0130 and Sean woke up, asking what I'm doing, where are we, and if we can go home. I guess it's time for me to explain why we can't, at least not now. How do I tell a 5 year old, once again that he's got cancer and somehow everything will be alright.

And I'm sure this 5 year old got more to teach me than I can teach him. When you're old enough to read and understand this, Sean, I'm proud of you buddy and thank you.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Life is full of surprises

It's hard to believe that soon, I'll be a senior. Hard to believe, I'm actually technically legal. It felt like years ago, I was just some five year old kid looking to pick a fight with anyone (or even better a game of pretend war with my rifle that makes shooting noises when you pull the trigger)

Damn time goes by fast.

But really since when have I not sleep for 3 days and still function like I slept for days. My guess is probably the recent activities and along with the Mother's Day excitement, I haven't really been affected by such no sleep activities. That, or, it'll catch up with me soon.

So let's catch up with recent activities:

I even forgot how many days ago when my Mom told me that my 5 year old cousin, Sean, would be staying with us until his Dad comes home. Now Sean is what I call the Double Brat, meaning, both of his parents are in the military. And with his Dad deployed and Mom soon to be, my Mom's idea to bring the family closer to each other. I had no objection to how long he'll be staying since we're pretty close. So, couple weekends ago, Mom and I went to pick up Sean.

Was I in for a surprise and I'm sure Mom was when Aunt Becca told us the news about Sean. Long story short, a couple months ago, Sean was diagnosed with brain cancer. And he still acts like he's on top of the world. After a long goodbye we drove back home and all Sean could talk about are how hungry he is for fries. to love the innocent mind.

Really, with that news, I don't know what to think. But thinking back to when I first receive the bad news, I turn out alright. I might not have cancer, but really, I turn out alright. And looking at Sean, I know he'll be fine.

Which got me curious to know more about cancer. One night, while Sean passed out watching Wiggles, I read all I can and know somewhat little about Sean's condition and what to expect. Now, little things he does and say still catches me off guard.

Beyond that, I had to get ready for Mother's Day. Before Dad's deployment, all I had planned was for my parents to go out for a day and relax. But with Dad's deployment and Sean's stay I came up with something fast. After making breakfast for her and after Sunday Mass, I drop Mom off of this Day Spa and brought Sean out to the mall for some fun. Dinner went great and the food was amazing, and no, I didn't cook, we went out.

After getting home and we were just about to start a movie, the phone rang and extremely surprisingly, it was Dad. I knew the time limit he might have so I hand the phone right over to Mom.

For some reason, I got a feeling Dad actually made her Mother's Day that much better. Damn it Dad, always want to be a step better than me. Just kidding, of course, I love you Dad, thanks for calling it was good to hear your voice again.

Well now after AP testings and with finals and the move on their way it seems as if nothing have stopped moving. Between taking care of Sean, homework, studying, and packing, I guess I just haven't find time to sleep.

Maybe I'll crash soon. Just hope it's not during the finals...

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Statistics may just fuck you up, big time.

With all the recent bull shit going on, I got to say something because if I keep holding it in, I'll eventually burst.

No matter how you feel about a person, it seems as if they just don't care because you are moving soon. And everything fun were wiped away from memory and just death and lonesome. There was a reason I asked the girl to prom, I like her, I enjoy her company and hopefully, she enjoys mine. Towards the end of prom, I couldn't hold in my breath, I told her the truth.

"I want to keep going with this, but I don't know how. I'm moving, you're graduating and..."

She didn't say anything more other than we should have a good time while we still can. I agreed. And what end up happening was heartaches and loneliness. Though she kept apologizing on the way home, there was nothing anyone could do to fix the broken heart and that feeling of dead, cold, silence.

I've only felt this way about one another girl and now, it seems as if I would never feel that way again. And I often times say "Never said never" but really, I thought about it, that was how much it hurt.

During dinner, Mom asked me about prom, I lied and said it was good and we both had a great time. Half lie I guess, I did had a good time, that is til she left me completely alone for the rest of the night. And after that the amount of "sorry" doesn't cut it. I drove her home, thanked her mom for allowing me bring her daughter to prom, and left. And it felt as if I left my heart in the car, somewhere lost in the dust.

So after attempting to make myself somewhat "happy", I decided to stop studying for the AP test this Friday. I should have kept studying.

Years ago, when I got hurt, the doctor told me the chances of me getting someone pregnant is extremely slim but there are still ways to do it if I really want to settle down and have a family. I did research after research just to see where I stand. And it seem as if when I'm ready to have a kid, it's possible.

I never thought it would be now. "Accidents happen" people say, but not like this. I decided to trust some statistics than instinct. I decided to trust some statistics than what I learned from class. I never did the right thing and wore protection and now, I am faced with the one of the most difficult events of my life. Yes it wasn't smart and though the girl already made up her mind she will not keep the kid, somehow, it affects me more than she will ever know.

Growing up, I learned not to ask "what if" and those questions only create fear, doubt, and more. But this time I could not helped myself. As soon as I was told the test results, the "what ifs" began to flow, and they haven't stop either.

"What if this is the last time I can have a kid."
"What if she keeps it."
"What if Dad finds out."

All the "what ifs" can fill an ancient well by now. And with her decision of not keeping it, my feelings now stood on a thin line. A thin line between happy and extreme depression. Happy that I have the chance to not make that mistake again but depress that this, just might be the only "kid" I will ever have.

And somehow, a little man in my head said, "I told you so..." followed by the "you should never have made that last tackle...we wouldn't have this problem now."

The "shouldn't" and "what ifs" are slowly killing me tonight, but only through writing may I show it is. I can't afford to have everything break down just because of my emotions. This move, mom being pregnant, I can't afford to have it break down, not now, not ever.

While "everything happen" for a reason, I now wonder why the recent events, especially within the last 48 hours, turned out the way they did. And while I sit here reading people's words on a friendly site, my mind is wondering off of the "what ifs" and "shit...I fucked up"

Because I did, I fucked up and now I pay the price.

Forgive me, the "kid" I made.
Forgive me, sweet Kelly, for feeling anything.
Forgive me, God, for the mistakes I've done.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Another side to the brat life

This is the second day I got woke up by Mom after having gone to bed. She had some strange cravings that must be conquered at this early in the morning and well now I can't sleep.

So I got thinking and the more things I thought about the more shit I'm wondering about the other side to this brat life.

As I wrote before, when I was a kid, everything seems so perfect, even with the moving around and Dad gone all the time. In fact, I think that's how all kids are, young, innocent, and don't got a single worry on their mind. But when we reach a certain age we start to wonder and questions start to form. The series of questions are probably and most likely started off with, "Where is Daddy/Mommy going?"

Then we get older, we continue to ask our questions but at the same time, we're making statements. "My Dad is fighting the bad guys, is your Mommy or Daddy doing the same thing too?" or something of the sort. And before we know it, we're in junior high and high school and finally realize some extreme difficult questions we might have to face. Some questions like, "If Dad does not make it back home, what will happen to Mom and me? What do I have to do to keep Mom strong?" and so forth.

And just as the questions start to form, so does our responsibilities. From the time we are born, we are surrounded by the idea of "Army" or any other branches. As a kid we do what we do best, being a kid and do what we want to do when we want to. (as long as it's following the rules of course) And as we get older, we will one day realize the greater responsibilities when one or sometimes both our parents are deployed.

Stuff like laundry, school, chores and other simple tasks will mostly feel like you're building a pyramid on your own. With one or both of your parents gone makes it that much difficult. And while you're seeing your friends loosing their parents, in the back of your mind you are hoping you will never get that phone call or never get that knock on the door. Trust me, that makes chores that much harder.

Lately I haven't had the mind to write anything and trust me that can't be a good thing with AP testing just a week away. I'm taking US History AP test which means the DBQs -Document Based Questions- if you've taken the test you'll know what I mean. When Mom told me that we have to move again during the summer, it felt like my world is coming apart. Part from school, I was hanging the moving processes, studying for the AP test, and on top of it, worry about my social life and what will happen after I move. While most juniors are worrying about college, I am thinking about the rest of my junior year, my friends here and now, college, moving, going through the list of things to do, my senior year and so much more. It was only a matter of time when all this will stack up and bite me where the sun don't shine.

And it did.

Life got caught up with me and without knowing it I didn't have time to think about what I need to do. I went on autopilot and almost end up killing myself. (Long story short, I forgot to use the bathroom at the time I was supposed to and end up blocking the catheter and it turned out to be a mess and that lead me to getting to the ER.)

School, living this life, college, life at home all added up to almost forgetting myself and killing myself. I wonder now if this is healthy. I can't help it, I put people before me. I put my family before me and as soon as I knew about the move, I had to make sure everything will go as smoothly as it can go. And yet, I realize I must take care of myself because without me, my mom, my Dad, this entire system would fail. And I am doing my best now to keep myself healthy and in the same time, get things done.

Going back to what I was saying earlier, I got woke up again for the two night in a row. Why? A couple days ago, I was told by my Mom that she is pregnant and though she would have told me earlier, she wanted to talk to my Dad first. After so long, she finally had the chance to tell me that soon, I will no longer be an only child, I would have to be a big brother for the newborn.

Just like that, I went from a high school junior to being a Dad. I took the liberty of what my Dad would normally be doing and put it on my shoulders. From looking at baby items to full filling Mom's late night cravings. She's eating for two now and me, I am working for four: Dad, Mom, my younger sibling, and of course, me.

Meanwhile some kids are complaining about the worries of applying to colleges. What is wrong with that picture...

I have never thought the idea of being a big brother would be so difficult. As I lay in bed, I couldn't help but wonder what the later years would be like. What would it be like when my younger brother or sister finally ask the ultimate question. "What happened to Matt, why can't he walk? Why can't his fingers move like mine?" What would I would I explain everything.

Just the idea of holding a baby in my arms scares me. What if I drop the baby, what happens when I can't even hold on tight enough and loose grip? Really...I am not ready to be a big brother, not at all.

And at this point, with everything going on, I am not sure if I can do anything right at all.

Welcome to the true brat life more innocent and carefree days.
Welcome to the Army.