Monday, August 10, 2009

Polite. Not Apologetic.

Sometimes, I wonder why I wasn't born years earlier, sometimes, I wonder why people around my age don't act the same way I do. I wonder if it's them or is it be that is causing the issues around the place and the people I hang around with.

I talked to this person just minutes ago and days ago, we were friends and somehow, I realize that soon she will become my worse enemy and soon, she can be a real asshole to me for what I've said. I might sound harsh here, and I didn't want to but this isn't the first time it happened. In fact, this is the third incident and truly, I am sick of it.

[01:12] TC: Wheels.
[01:12] Matt: yes ma'am
[01:13] TC: Come go to sleep with me. Lol.
[01:13] Matt: sure
[01:17] TC: Matt you're awesome
[01:17] Matt: thank you
[01:19] TC: Come lay with me
[01:19] Matt: doing math, sorry
[01:21] TC: Aww
[01:22] TC: You plus me minus some clothes divide the legs and pray to god we don't multiply
[01:23] TC: Lol.
[01:23] Matt: tc...are you drukn
[01:23] Matt: drunk
[01:24] TC: No just thought it was funny.
[01:24] Matt: i didn't found it funny
[01:24] TC: I'm sorry love
[01:26] TC: Are you ok?
[01:26] Matt: fine
[01:29] TC: I'm close to drunk, vulnerable.
[01:30] Matt: ain't nothing i can help with
[01:32] TC: Come here. Lol.
[01:32] Matt: negative
[01:34] TC: Damn
[01:34] Matt: and you tc, need to back off
[01:36] TC: I'm sorry i didn't know i couldn't joke sexually with you.
[01:37] TC: But whatever.
[01:37] Matt: not when i'm 1. trying to focus on math and 2. already said no. this isn't the first im i got from you
[01:37] TC: Whatever bye.

A short 20 minute and my mind is confused as ever. So I IMed the one adult I know that's online (since my parents are both asleep right now) and asked her. She told me, "You didn't do anything wrong. Especially if that wasn't the first time this has happened with that person. You were a bit harsh, but it seems like that what they needed in order to get the idea." I didn't want to be harsh but it's the 3rd time and I was beginning to be sick of telling her nicely. "And it seemed like it wasn't a hey I really like you kind of thing, it was more of a hey I think I can use you to fill a void kind of thing...You're perfectly in the right."

Yet somehow I have a feeling it's going to come back and bite me where the sun don't shine. Somehow, this person is going to find a way to judge me, to say shit about me, and more. My mentor said, "It may. She'll probably remember it and be mad. And she may be bitchy about it and try to get you back or embarrass you. Girls that age can be real assholes... I should know I was one. But the important thing is that you had already said it nicely several times, she didn't get it, and you stood your ground. I don't wanna sound all mom-like, but I'm proud of you. Most young men would follow their penis right out the door."

I don't do shit like that because that ain't what my parents taught me and that ain't me. And things changed after my injury, somehow, I feel as if breaking my neck made me grow up faster than anyone else I know. A lot of things changed and me, I've changed, a lot.

Soon my friend/mentor and I got into a short discussion about how to be polite and not apologetic. I think that is one of the many things in life that can stand on a so fine and thin line. I'm not going to lie, I don't know the difference and don't even know how to handle polite and not apologetic. Maybe soon I will. Maybe soon I'll be like my mentor and know the difference.

And yet...can't help but think to myself if this is what I've become. At least...if this is what others see me now. They see the chair and somehow, think of me as "easy" and "push over" as someone to make jokes with and the rest is history.

Sure don't make me feel like a person at all.
In fact...I feel like dirt as my heart aches with pain.