Saturday, August 29, 2009

Deal with it...

I think many of us have things that we don't wish to talk about, even to our parents or closest friends. Even within this blog, I have things that I keep in private for my eyes only so I won't feel the need to hear criticism and more. There are things I don't wish to talk about and even my dog will probably never know.

I must say, though, I have been through a lot of things people might not know. And let's leave it at that.

Yesterday, after I posted "I should have…" blog, a good friend of mine (let's keep her name K for now.) asked me if I ever associate myself with PTSD.

I've read plenty of articles and talked to people to know that I just might have the possibility of having PTSD. But really, I don't wish to know the truth. I know plenty of people (Dad included) who have gone through plenty. People who truly knows what is going on and truly need help.

K told me...yes it's true but that's them and this...this is about you.

And though bits of me know what's going on, over all, I don't wish to know about anything. Yes I get nightmares, yes I see things, I hear things but I won't ever tell the story to everyone. If someone finds out, so be it. But this...this is something I can't explain. It happens and I tend to deal with it best way I know how. By not dealing with it at all. (As bad as that "works", I guess)

Maybe because that way I feel as if there really is something wrong with me. Maybe it's my hiding place to think of myself as a sane person, as a normal 18 year old kid dreaming big and more.

I told K I'd think about this PTSD issue more and that writing is my way out right now. But truth is...writing only takes me thus far. Writing is good and it shall forever be good but shit still happens.

And when it does, like I have said before. I deal with it best I know how. By not doing anything at all.

I have many problems, I have many enemies.
And biggest one, is probably me.


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