I Cannot

I think this weekend, I finally learned something that I didn't wish to admit to before. I learn never to plan something so early and create no backup plans for yourself. I learn that without a backup plan, even the best generals in the world may fail. And at the same time, I am wondering when I can get myself to admit to reality to get myself doing what I need to be doing.

When I was in junior high, believe it or not, I was already planning my future. I had several plans and oddly enough, they all surround the same general area and interest:

1. Enlist in the Army and follow Dad's footsteps
2. Attend one of the military academies and commission
3. Play college football and then pro ball
4. Attend college, join ROTC and commission

And with those in mind, I was already setting my own path to my future.

I was running and lifting weights more often than my team mates were, I was rarely at parties and having fun, you would see me out running almost every day and many times, twice or three times a day, rain or shine. I wanted to be on my best shape for football season. I wanted to make sure that soon scouts will start looking at me. I also wanted to be in the best shape of my life for basic. No matter how far away it might be.

I was talking to recruiters like they were my best friends. Even with the moving around the world, I've always manage to track down a recruiter somewhere in the world and befriend him. To let him know I'm interested in enlisting but don't try to fool me, since I have the best source in the world: my Dad.

My Dream

I was studying and reading ASVAB materials, reading unclassified information, web pages on my free time. Just so I can get a head start on this "enlistment" and this military life NOT being the dependent.

I was reading and studying every single plays handed to me by my coach and watching plays from college teams. I wanted to be ahead of everyone. I wanted to know it before everyone. Not for the use of boasting about it, but know it in my heart what each play means to the team and to the person himself. And ultimately, see myself running the play, every single time.

My World

I logged onto all five service academies (West Point, Annapolis, Air Force Academy, Coast Guard Academy, and Merchant Marine Academy) website and entered my information onto their server. I talked to people who attended the academies, who is going to the academies and even talked to every liaison officer (LNO) I knew just so I can get the heads up. Even when people tell me "you got time, don't worry about it, just do well in school and keep in shape" I pushed them for more information, I ask them every question I can think of, and more. Just anything I can do to get more information to push my toes closer to the gate of these schools.

And strangely I would see myself doing all of that. Even when I know I'm going to have to choose one out of four, I saw myself doing all the things I dream of. I never thought of a back up plan, I never put into mind what I would want to do outside the football and military field.

Never and boy was I wrong for not expanding my dreams and thoughts.

Now, though I know the things I wish before will never happen, I still see myself doing the same thing. I still see the four options I stated before. And strangely for the moments I am thinking about the options, it's like I never got hurt, ever.

But with the highs of life, I guess there's got to be a down. I guess for the three years after my injury, I am still living a dream. I am still seeing what my brain wants me to see. I've blocked off the reality and never wish to admit to it. (And truly, don't know when I will truly face reality)

After I got hurt almost three years ago, I knew things changed. As I have said before, simple things in life needed to be altered and switched around. That I didn't mind, that was what all that time spend at the rehab hospital were for. There were just things I can not get myself to do.

One of many is to contact the people and schools I've talked to before an tell them I can no longer make them part of my dream. To write them official letters and email stating the incident and explain just how sorry I am for no longer being able to be part of their team. That I don't know when I can get myself to do.

And of course with school starting, my emails have been going off like crazy. Just the recent week I have gotten many mails, emails, phone calls and even instant messages regarding information and reminders:

1. With the amount of recruiters I know, they have been wondering what my plans are after high school. Yes it's true we still talk like we're friends but the subject still constantly come up. And like the fool I am, I still avoid answering the questions or even talk about the subject.

2. Emails from the service academies telling me it's still not late to apply and to talk to my LNO about the application process. If I act fast, I may still be able to get into the academies. But it's too late for me, already too late, I am 3 years late yet no one knows it.

3. Emails, phone calls, and even letters from college scouts asking for my football records and tapes if possible. Asking to speak to me in person and speak to my parents about the possibility to play for their school. Even asking me for my football schedule so they can come and watch me play, watch me in action. How do I get myself to tell them what happened...how do I get myself to tell them I can't play no more.

4. Emails and Instant messages from friends who are currently in ROTC and those who don't know what happened. As they tell me about the drills, what happened during the LABs and how excited they are for me to become "one of them". I often sit there with no answer. Again...how do I get myself to tell them when this incident hurts me more than it'll hurt them.

If you've been following my blog, you know I've said "I am my worse enemy" many times before and right now, I will say it again.

I am my worse enemy.

I know I should let everyone know of the incident, let everyone know what happened. But me, I cannot get myself to send out those letters and emails. I cannot get myself to tell my friends over IMs that I can no longer enlist, I can no longer join ROTC or even play football for my favorite college. (Ironically I always tell people not to say "can't" or "can not" and here I am doing it myself)

My Mom have offered to help me write the letters. Even send them off for me but as stubborn as I am, I told her I would do it myself. That was 3 years ago. I am still sitting here trying to get myself to start a letter.

I never thought writing To Whom It May Concern: would be so difficult.