I should have...

I should have gone back to school.

As I said before, we had a tennis tournament today and Saturday. I must say...today is one of those days that starts out fine. That you see a happy presence in your future. And when you thought it's going to be good, it falls right in your face.

I went to the other school today early, as with any new places I like to get there early to find the accessible place. And when I arrived to this school, I was reminded once again that not all places are accessible and not all places are me friendly.

So I sat in my car and waited for the coach to show up and he finally helped me navigate my way to the tennis courts. Even the courts got cracks in them and boy...that just ruins my happy day. Long story short, I lost the match. (not going to blame it on the court, my skills really isn't that great)

The place was not build for me, I was stuck sitting on the court and nowhere else to go. I was once again a prisoner in this world. I asked Coach if I could leave and I guess he saw what my eyes were saying and said yes. So I went home. At least at home I can go anywhere I please. At least at home I can drive or even go out anywhere on post. At least I'm "free" when I leave the place. (But I'll need to go back on Saturday again for another match. I am extremely close on losing on purpose just so I don't have to stay there longer)

I should have gone back to school.

There's a reason why school is so amazing and at the same time, keep you sane. Too much free time makes you think, too much free time makes you do things you know not to do. Too much of anything is never a good thing.

I sat in my room, doing wheelies and thought about the places like the school I went to this morning. There are so many places out there that still are not accessible and even with the law, many people don't think about things. One step and it's easily for most people while for me and many other, we may not make it through the step. We may fall and land on our face. Or worse.

People just don't think about things that don't pertain to their situation I guess.

On the other hand, I got watching Pentagon Channel's Recon Video on military brats and throughout the clip, they talked about many things that a brat goes through when we got one or more parents deployed. When I saw the little kid, I saw myself. I saw myself wondering when Dad's going to be back and if it's going to be ok. I remember my nightmares from when I was little and nightmares I still get now.

And then I realized....that's still me. I'm still wondering the same thing, I'm still experiencing the same thing. My nightmares still haunts me daily, my dream still flash before my eyes. But I guess that's just the human experience.

That's a reason why I don't sleep as often as I need to. Or people often ask me why I'm not asleep. No sleep means there's no nightmares. Sleeping when the sun is out means there's less chance of having nightmares. Tire myself to a point of no return means less chance of nightmares crawling into my brain when I'm passed out.

Reason why I smile, why I fear

It might be a bad thing for my body but it's a chance I'm willing to take. Anything for less nightmares, anything.