Thursday, October 8, 2009

Cancer Pisses Me Off

I think living this long, a lot of things tend to piss me off. Stupid, ignorant people tend to do the trick. And then I've discovered that things in life do the same too. Things like my injury sometimes just piss the hell out of me. Well...cancer, is one also.

They said God has a plan for all of us. That everyone in God's eyes are equal and no matter how wrong it something is, it's all God's plan. And even at times we don't understand it, it's all God's plan.

Tonight, I hope whatever God has in store, it's a good one.

I remember at one of our family reunions, my Great Uncle would tell us, "Everyday is Christmas if you look at it, because greatest gift of all is to have all these people around you. Then you know it's a good day."

The news of Sean's diagnoses took a lot of us by surprise. And still I wonder why my Uncle and Aunt didn't share it with us earlier. But then I realize, even if we know, there really isn't anything we can do other than being there for 'em. There was nothing they can do either, filling for a late deployment, in ways adds on the hurt.

Earlier tonight, we got a call from the hospital. Mom and I didn't need to hear what they had to say and rush our way out here. The 2 hour drive turned into just a over an hour. We had been told Sean might not make it through the night...

And within both of us, there are panics, worries, and pain. But Mom always seem to know how to try and stay calm. According to her, "Pray, hope, and stay calm is the best anyone can do." (I personally don't know how she got the mind to tell me to do all that, stay away from the room for awhile and do my homework) I'm not going to lie, I'm not doing homework, not worried about school or college applications. I just want to be in there with Sean but Mom's orders. Pray. Hope. Stay Calm. Contact Red Cross. And do my homework.

I'd never thought staying calm could be so hard. All this time, I thought I was the calm one. Boy was I wrong.

While I'm sitting here, I thought about the amount of families that's going through the same worries. And there are so many good people out there, The good people, the compassion and even their dedication. The complete strangers who get together to give a kid his last wish. (And in ways, hearing the words "last wish" tears me apart. A kid, many younger than I am, how can they be having a last wish? That don't make no sense to me...)

I remember one night when Sean and I were hanging out, he asked me what Heaven is like. He asked me if he can get anything he wants at Heaven. He said to me, "I like to go to Heaven" And for that moment, a 5 year old scared me to death. He's five, laying next to me in his hospital bed, asking me about Heaven. And that look on his face, the seriousness...scared me the most.

Mom told me days ago that Sean ain't the same as he was before. The little bundle of joy is starting to be taking over by a monster he can't even see. By a monster that I, a 18 year old, have trouble pronounce. Sean hasn't been eating or talking, he's constantly sleeping, vomiting. And somehow, no one can do anything about it. Geeze...he's fucking 5. He wants to see the sky, the ocean, and real life Transformers.

I just hope he gets to. He haven't even fighting that long. His brain just ain't the same anymore, stupid tumor. He couldn't hold his toys anymore. And earlier tonight, he told me "my legs are tired" (Doc said that slowly, Sean is paralyzed from the neck down) I wish there was something I can do. A book I can read him that will make him feel better, a story, a face, anything. All just to make him better. He told us, "I want Mama and Daddy. Finger phones don't work in Heaven..."

Just makes me want to cry.

Not that long ago, Mom shared with me something that my Uncle wrote:

"Out doing my job in this strange country one day, I couldn't help but felt an unbelievable pain in my of which felt just like a shrapnel wound. I expected blood, and with my shakey hands on my heart, I expected to feel the red liquid flowing through my fingers. But there were none. As I chow down the MRE, the incredible pain in my heart persisted and slowly I come to the truth: I miss my boy. My boy battling cancer.

The boys asked me what's wrong, if it was the food. And as I stare blankly into the dry sky, I shook my head. No one understands, and in this country, among the boys I trust my life with, I felt alone and lost."

I think we all feel alone and lost. Mom and I are taking shifts with Sean tonight and truly praying and hoping that everything will be alright. I've contacted Red Cross and getting the word out to both my Uncle and Aunt. Just hopefully everything will be alright.

After all, he is my little buddy. And always will be.


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