Sunday, October 4, 2009

Feeling the Unknown

I often wish at times we as humans can't feel. So that people in general don't have to feel pain, sadness, worry, and much more. So that people in general don't have to feel the pain of losing someone or even the worries of hearing the worse news of your life.

I probably mention before that when I was younger, I would stare at the casualties list for both Iraq and Afghanistan every day, hoping that, one my Dad or people I know isn't on the list and two, there wouldn't be a single listing on any given day. Mom told me before it's not good to look at the list, that it generate worries more than it needs to.

Early this morning, after watching American Son, I went on to do my daily doings, of one includes reading from my Google Reader. First thing I read was "Eight U.S. Troops Killed in Afghan Battle" and trust me, it ain't a good way to start your day.

I think every military family can tell you that when you read news like this or hear it on the radio, first thing you wish is not to be your husband/wife, your parents, or even your son/daughter. And often times, when the names are released, you let go and give out the biggest sigh. It's not selfishness, I don't think, it's just how humans work. We just don't wish for things to happen to people close to us and truly I don't think this got to do with being selfish or not.

After reading that article, I had this knot in my chest. This strangest feeling in my heart that I can't shake. And all day, I'm thirsty, my lips feel dry like the desert and my throat ache like nothing I've felt before. I went to Sunday Mass today with the hugest pain in my chest and even the Chaplain asked me if I was okay or if there was something I wish to confess.

There wasn't and I really don't know what's going on. But I told him I was okay before heading on home. Mom was still at the hospital with Sean so for lunch, I made myself a sandwich and even got started on homework before the Cowboys and Bronco's game. But now, after the game, and piles of homework, this feeling is getting worse.

So I found myself sitting in my room, with the house phone in my lap and staring at pages and pages of DoD releases and hoping somehow they will release any information, any at all. Mom doesn't know what's going on and let's keep it this way. It's better for me to worry and go through this than her. I wonder about Sean, how he's doing and truly pray that everyone I know is ok.

Why is it that the unknown seem scarier than the known?

And at the same time, I know many families out there right now feeling the same way or even worse. I really hope this feeling pass soon or at least knowing something, anything. Because not knowing but feeling it is in ways, worse than staring at it in the face.

Truly praying for everyone in the military community tonight.

I apologize for making anyone nervous or upset by reading this blog.


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