Friday, July 24, 2009

Pain and Relieve

I'm not one for complaining and bitching about how much pain I'm going through. Especially when my cousin, Sean, is going through his daily dose of chemotherapy. Hear him going on and cry about how much it hurts, that's just my indication for me to hold in my pain and take care of him.

Now I've never done chemo before so I can't possibly compare this pain to what Sean is going through. But I know what SCI nerve pain is, I know that agony you're going through when you're sitting in your chair or laying in bed wishing the pain would stop. And in your mind you still wonder why you're hurting. Even though the doctor explained it many times why you still get nerve pains after such injury as a Spinal Cord Injury. And why, when you can't move your legs or feel the majority of your body, you still feel pain. Extreme pain.

So you pop pills in your mouth hoping everything would just stop. Dantrium, Flexeril, Baclofen, Neurontin, anything you were told to take and you pop them in your mouth like they're candy. And even though you were told a limit on how many milligrams of the pills you can take a day, your hand can't help itself but move towards the pill bottle wanting to grab another, just hoping that it will finally make this pain stop or at least make it hurt less.

But that's when your brain tells you, "No, you can't take anymore, doc's instructions. What do you want to do, kill yourself?" So you back your hand away...and just try not to cry from this pain.

There's a trick to telling people how much you're NOT hurting when they suspect you are. Especially when that person is just 5 years old...hiding the pain seems easy, but it's not.

While Sean was at radiation, I shut myself in the bathroom, with pill bottles in my lap, my entire body shaking from the spasms and hearing myself breathe in and out as if I'm some sort of drug addict. And before I knew it, Sean popped back in his room and peeked into the bathroom and saw me, a 18 year old "grown" man, sitting on the bathroom floor, crying.

To my surprise, he came up to me and said, "It's ok Cousin Matty, I'll take care of you." before giving me the biggest hug I've ever got from him.

And he's the one going through cancer.
And I'm the one supposed to take care of him.

He may not ever remember that moment when he hugged me and watch me get back in my chair. He may not ever remember that moment when he made me climb in bed with him and held me before he himself fell asleep.

But I will, forever.
Thanks buddy, thanks.


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