Tuesday, August 17, 2010

When does This Grieve End?!

For the past nights, my mind and myself have been sinking into a deeper hole. This ain't me and this ain't how I want to act but I can't get myself out of this hole.

During the day when I'm out and about, I'm usually fine. Maybe because I'm busy focusing my days ahead or maybe I'm digging a deeper hole than I am realizing.

At night is when the mind moves and the memories slowly become taunting images and flashbacks like there's no tomorrow.

I heard a friend talking to her Mom. Her voice and the way she talks to her Mom reminded me of myself years ago. I can see it in my mind the younger me talking to Mom with a smile. I can hear Mom's gentle voice, I can hear her laugh. But it's all #*%&ing memories. I find myself full of of hate and at times tears filled eyes because of the things I couldn't do. The full hatred for cancer, for myself, and for whoever is responsible for putting cancer on this planet. I physically hurt and can feel the massive pain. Why is this a daily struggle, I'm not sure but I hate it. I miss my Mom, my hero, the one who brought me to this planet.

I'm sick of crying.

I often sit in Skype calls with my friends and not speak of any words. I listen while friends wondered why I don't ever talk. I listen more often because while hearing their laughs and conversation, my imagination grows as if everything's normal and that there is no one trouble in the world. But at the same time, listening hurts like no other. Simply because I know some laughter are there to cover the pain. We all have our own pains but in ways we all pretend laughing it off will solve everything.

God I sound *%^&ing emo.

Someone once told me, "you cover it so well, but I can see and hear your pain through your laughter, your words, and that 'smile' of yours. I wish I can do something for you Matt, please take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself."

Is it that *%^&ing obvious.

I like Skyping or hearing her talk. Because she speaks so freely and she reminds me so much of Mom and Nicole. I like IMing or texting her because her personality shines through like no other. Of everything, she reminds me of Mom. And in ways it brings comfort and in ways in bring pain of the empty bedroom down the hallway. I hear her and it's like hearing Mom again.

What I would do to really hear Mom's voice again. What I would do to see her making breakfast or for the chance for me to make breakfast for her. What I would give to hold her hands and hug her once more.

When does this grieve end, someone please tell me.
I am so sick of crying and grieving.

Mama, help, please.
I need help, Mama.


Renee said...

I know you are hurting - I know the exact pain you are feeling. I wish it would start to ease (for both of us), but it does't seem to be doing that. I can't fix this for you but just know that someone out here in blogland is listening to you and cares!

Jules said...

Matt - The grief WILL get easier, the harder you fight it the longer it takes. Remember that your mom would want you to celebrate her life not morn for her and your loss. I know those are easy words to say and hard word to adhere too.

Start with little steps. Tell yourself it is ok to be sad but “what can we do that would make me happy”. Do something that your mom would do to make herself happy. Play a happy song. Sing to your little sister, take a stroll in the park. You are not only grieving for yourself but for your dad and sister as well.

We have a saying in our family "hand over that rock you have" also "Hear you take and carry this rock for awhile" imagine a basket on your shoulders and all of your worries and concerns are rocks sitting in that basket. To help lighten up your load you have to hand off the rocks to family and friends, or just put them on a shelf that you can go back to and pick them up another time to help you carry the load. I also have some I know that I have no control over and those go directly to god for him to take care of.

My friend You have a lot of rocks in your basket and you really need others to take on some of your rocks even if it is for an hour, or a day while you deal with some of the other rocks in your basket.

Once you start handing over some of your rocks, it is easier to clear the ones out of your basket that no one else can deal with.

You have been given a heavy load and the only way you are going to be able to carry that weight is with help from Family and Friends. Even your friend’s family preacher can assist you with some of them. All you have to do is ask. There are a million people waiting for you to just ask. They are to worried to ask if they can help because they do not want to put you into undo stress by offering assistance. That is easy for me to say and I know from experience it is hard to do. Trust in your heart you will get through this.

Just a twitter friend still working on the Kenny Chesney thing. I'm praying for you.

Knuckles said...

Thanks Renee, for reading and listening.

Thanks Jules, for reading and leaving that wonderful comment. I'm at a point of frustration. Just sick of a lot of things right now. I always remind myself that God knows best and He'll take care of everything. I know I need to be thankful but I'm hateful instead. It's extremely frustrating.

I guess I'm just trying to find my place and answer a lot of questions in my life right now. And I can't wait till I find the answer to all of 'em questions.

Thanks again guys for reading.

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