Reality

Yesterday, while browsing around Military.com, I came across an article labeled, War Widows Struggle With a Special Grief and without thinking, I clicked on the link and read the entire article. The article was nothing special, it didn't teach me anything and I can't tell you about. I mean...you expect these things, even if you don't want to think or talk about it.

As I got to the middle of the article, I thought of Dad. He's working and somewhere in the world, a man is struggling with a special kind of grief. You often hear the word widow in the military. But not often do you hear widower in this community. Especially when your wife wasn't in the military. Especially when your wife was healthy as a horse months before she passed away. And that, makes Dad's grief a special one.

Now I don't know how Dad is dealing with all this. I don't know whether or not he's talking to his friends or a doc about it but I know he's not talking to me. I just hope he is talking to someone, and in some way, he is letting out this grief in a healthy way. I lost my mother to cancer. I can't lose my Dad to grief.

Though in ways, I feel I already lost him.

Towards the end of the article, something caught my eye, "...is among several...widows who still keep message machines tucked away in their closets..." I read that and I thought of myself and Dad, we still have the message machine in the house (in fact, it never even move an inch) We still have messages left in the machine. We still have the usual joyful greeting from Mom, "We're not home right now!" We still have a few messages on there left by Mom. And as much as I'd to hear Mom's voice again, "don't forget to pick up milk!" can and most likely will kill me all over again. So, for now, we leave it in it's place. In the living room, by the TV, and in our hearts.

"Reality is when you take your husband's name off your cell phone."

I completely agree...if we ever get the strength and courage to take Mom off of our phones, our answering machine, and our minds.

I don't think I ever will be able to do that.
I miss you, Mama. Dad is too.

P.S. It kind of hit me today that it's already May...which means there are about 17 days of real school left (plus senior finals and check out) then after that it's 3 days of mandatory fun before graduation on the 22nd. Time's going by too fast. And friends I met all over the world are graduating soon or already graduated. Really, where did the time go? I wonder if I'll ever get to meet some of 'em again...