Follows Us Like a Well-trained Animal

Mom liked Army Wives.

I never really understood the reason why she liked this show and watch it weekly but she would always tell me that it's the "drama and the crazy life that Hollywood thinks we're living" Guess she likes that side of Hollywood.

Yesterday was the season premiere of Army Wives and early in the afternoon, I went to the living room to set the DVR. Dad didn't say a word as I set up the DVR to record the entire season. We just kind of stood there in silence for a couple minutes before Dad said, "Your Mom would like that."

"I know she would, Dad." I told him.

There's an elephant in the room. And its name is Death. This elephant follows us around constantly like a well-trained animal. But we don't want this animal here, we just want to be left alone.

So last night, even with the recorder on, Dad and I sat down to watch Army Wives on Lifetime. We have two couches but for some reason, Dad and I sat on the same one. We sat on neither side of the couch and left the middle seat empty. I don't know why we did that but I guess we left the middle seat for Mom. Maybe she's was with us yesterday. Or maybe we were just hoping she would come rushing into the door at any minute, jump on the couch and yell, "GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING, RIGHT NOW!"

But we both knew Mama wouldn't come. Even if she did came, we couldn't see or feel her.

We sat there for the hour, didn't say a word and just watched the season premiere. In my head I could hear Mom's tears from watching this show. I could hear her gasping at the drama. I could hear her squealing at how "cute" some of these soldiers are. But I didn't want to hear 'em in my head. For once, I miss Mom's commentary when we watch Army Wives together. I miss the "oh my, cover my eyes, quick" or the "ohhh they're getting it on, man I wish your Dad was home." or even the "Pamla is so cute!" and other commentaries. I miss the quick and sudden squeeze that Mom gives me during the show and yes, I miss the squeals she makes when she watches this show.

I miss a lot of things right now. And wouldn't if Mama was here.

After the show, Dad turned the TV off and stood up. Said he's going out back for a smoke and well, went to cry in the backyard. Dosh and I went into my room as Dad sat out in the back and cried for nearly two hours. We sat in the silence house and heard the tears drop from a grown man's face. I wanted to be there for Dad and even if we sat there in silence, I wanted to make sure he knows I was there.

But instead, he screamed at me with his Army voice, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU I WAS SMOKING?! GET BACK IN SIDE AND WATCH SARAH." and well, I obeyed. I obeyed because I knew that was an order. I obeyed because I was scared. Scared not of Dad's voice but scared of losing him to grief.

Mama, please tell Dad it's going to be ok. Somehow.

It was a weird day yesterday. The elephant in the room seem to have got bigger and just pinned Dad and I to our separate corners. It was a weird Sunday and I'm sure there'll be more days like this. And it's these kind of days that cut into our hearts like no other.

I recorded yesterday's episode for you Mama. I'll visit in a couple days, this 3-day weekend. We can watch Army Wives together then I'll tell you all about Prom, Mama, and about school, classes, Sarah, Nicole, Dad, and everything else you'd like to know. I'm sure you'd like that. I miss you, Mama, I love you and I'll see you soon.