Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Words I Can't Get Myself To Say

There's a part of me that always knows that this will happen sometimes in the future, whether it's online or in person. I just didn't know it would be this soon.

The same question was asked over and over today, both on Twitter and in person. "Where's mom?"
And I couldn't find the words to answer the question. On Twitter, I posted a link to the blog post for that person and nothing more. In person, I said, "away" and let the silence rang through the air.

I never thought it would be this difficult to answer a simple question. I never thought a question like that would make me hurt, physically. I felt my heart ache when the question was asked. It hurts.

Earlier today, I read Mr. Lance Armstrong's blog post For Stacy and just like that, missed Mom like never before. I missed her smile, I miss her cooking, I miss her words, I miss her.

I cried then the question came and my heart stopped.
I couldn't find the words to answer the question. And soon realized that it's only been 4 months since Mom passed away and already it felt like eternity. And that eternity feel made me believe that I could answer "Where's mom?" but I couldn't.

I couldn't say the words to explained what happened. I wouldn't say the one sentence that would answer the question. I just couldn't. There are just words I can't get myself to say. Even thinking about it makes my heart ache.

I can't say it even if I want to explain what's going on. I've already done it once through writing that blog and somehow, saying it again seems impossible.

So forgive me, people who asked me that question. I can't answer that in a short sentence because of how much it hurts me. Please make your way to the blog post and your question will be answered.

Once again, I'm sorry. There are just words I can't get myself to say.
At least, not yet.

I love you, Mama. Sarah's growing up so fast and we miss you every day.

1 comments:

RP said...

Hello Matt, although I cannot fully comprehend the pain that you feel, missing your mom, I can truly understand it and as to how hard it is for you to face such questions...I pray that God gives you the strength to hold on and keep going on so as to make your mama proud...
Hoping and praying that you feel better my friend..
Take good care
warm regards,
Ruchi

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