Monday, April 26, 2010

The Tears Behind the Smile

I, am messed up. I can't think straight and I can't see straight. It's hard for me to find the motivation to do homework/assignments. I am messed up.

It took me months to finally admit that out loud, that I am truly messed up and I am truly not okay. And it took me even more time to finally decide go to talk to the school counselor. Thinking and hoping that they know the people that can help me. Because really, I am messed up.

I talked to the counselor for hours. I cried when I told her about Dad and I bawled when I told her about Mom and Sarah. She didn't say much, though, and parts of me felt like I wasted my time because the things she said, you can probably read it on one of those For Dummies book. She said that eventually, I'll come to accept the fact that Mom is no longer with us. Eventually she said and ya...eventually.

I wonder when that'll be.

Last night, I had a long talk over Skype with Ashlet, good friend of mine living in Hawaii. I didn't tell her everything that's going on in my heart but I broke down in front of her. I cried and sobbed because I missed Mom and the thought of "this just ain't fair" ran through my mind over and over again.

I told her my busy schedule of taking care of Sarah, high school, and college classes. I told her how lost I am in the world and wish that someone would just tell me what to do so I wouldn't have to think about it. I told her the frustration I have trying to decide whether or not Oatmeal Cereal or Rice Cereal is best for Sarah. I told her one of many reasons I can't go live with my Grandparents is because I am not ready. I am not ready to see where Mom lays every time I get back on the Ranch. Maybe in the future I will be able to but right now, I can't. I am not ready. I am not ready because my mind is still playing a trick on me, constantly.

There are just too many decisions I must make within the next couple months that are going to impact me for the rest of my life. And truly I don't know what to do. I got accepted to Kentucky, Ohio State, Texas A&M, and Florida. But as I read 'em acceptance letters, I hurt. I hurt because Mom isn't here sitting next to me reading the letters with me. I hurt because she isn't squeezing me tight in her bear hug as she tell me how proud she is of me. I hurt because I got into the schools I wanted to play football for. I hurt because I don't know what to do.

Even after the amount of times I called Sarah a whiny little $*%#^ I love her. I love her because she is my sister. I love her because she is part of Mom. And that is all I have left of Mom right now. I love her so much I do not want to ever leave her behind. Everything I do now is because of her and for her. And if Dad was here, I would be doing the same for Dad too. Because I do NOT want 'em to feel alone nor do I want to leave 'em behind. Ever.

Graduation is less than a month away. I already have college acceptance letters waiting for me. And I don't even know which schools I want to go to or if I should go to college. Going to college was a huge dream of mine. To be on my own would be amazing. To be dependent on my own and maybe Dosh would be freaking awesome. And my parents would agree, they wanted to kick me out as soon as possible.

But we never thought Mom would get sick. She did and now she's gone. That plan is different now. Leaving for college is different now. With Dad gone a lot of the times, Sarah would be alone. And when Dad is home, they would be alone, trying to fight through the days without Mom. Going to college is different now. I can't just leave for college without thinking about Sarah and Dad. People tell me there's relatives, my Grandparents, or even friends that would be there for Dad and Sarah when I'm gone. True but they don't live the life. They hear about it and feel for us. We are feeling it.

I am an Army Brat, I was taught at a young age to never leave anyone behind. I can still remember running laps with one of my classmates because he was the last one finishing up the mile. I ran with him even though people voiced their opinions. I did it because I don't leave anyone behind. And I am not about to leave anyone behind now. Especially not Dad or Sarah.

And going away to college, to me, is leaving Sarah and Dad behind. It's not the same when I can only visit 'em whenever I have break. And I know I will not be able to focus on schools miles away thinking about Dad and Sarah. I do not want to fail out of college nor do I want it on my record.

Going to live with a relative or Grandparents would mean leaving Dad behind. It'll mean that when Dad gets home from work, the house would be empty. It would mean that he would be living on his own or who knows, maybe he'll go back to the barracks. Dad is already dealing with work and the loss of his best friend, I don't think leaving him alone would be such a good idea. At all.

So you see, I don't know about college. I don't knwo what I'm doing to do, and truly, I can't even see straight or think straight. I just want Dad and Sarah to be okay and I sure as hell is going to do whatever I can to make sure they will be okay or at least have someone there for 'em when they are not.

I am in the middle of making one of the biggest decision in my life. Inside me I am FUBAR but I put on a smile for my friends and those that run into me. Inside though, that's a whole different story.

I love you Mama and we miss you terribly.
I love you Dad, please take care of yourself at work and come home soon.
I love you Sarah, even if all you do is cry, sleep, eat, and poop.


Rhonda said...

Death and grief have away of kicking the air right out of your lungs. The pain is so great, that you feel like your going insane. I understand these feeling more than you know. I understand the tears that come even when you don't want them to. It's hard to remember a good memory without feeling the bad, the overwhelming saddness, and grief that you wish would just go away all ready; be cause you feel you have suffered enough. Its not fair, in fact it sucks. I pray for you and your family, and I pray you pain is lessened everyday; and when you think of your mom and how your family was before...that you will be able to remember and cry less. Your mom was very proud of you, I can tell be your messages.....keep on your track, and go to college like she would have wanted you to. Your dad is soldier strong, and will have Sarah to keep him focused. They will miss you, but you can not take away their pain. They have to grieve in their own way, just as you do. You will not be out of their life, but enriching yours. You will be their example to follow. You will be their strength. If you stay home and not go to college, you will wallow in your grief, in what you have lost and what your life should have been. Do what your mother would have wanted you to do; and I dont believe for one minute that she would have wanted you to give up your dreams for a promising future, just so you can try to relieve yours and everyone elses guilt and sorrow. If it had been your father that passed away instead of your mother....what would your mother have said to you? Your not leaving anyone behind; you are just improving your life in a way that you know your mother would have wanted and she would have beeen proud of. You have overcome much, please don't stop living life....thats not good for you, Sarah or your dad. Take care.

Renee said...

Matt, Rhonda is my twin sister. We lost both of parents within 56 hours of each other suddenly almost 4 months ago. There are so many "cliches"that make my skin crawl ~ I won't give you one now...just know that you have to live the dream your Mama wanted for you.
Good Luck and take care.

RP said...

I agree with Rhonda and Renee Matt, i believe you should fulfill your mama's dreams and make her proud. Please remain strong and become the strength for your dad and Sarah...
Wishing you good luck and sending prayerful wishes, God bless you all...
Warm regards,
take care

Solitary Wind Chime said...

You've been given the honest scrap award. Congratulations!

Just a little recognition to let you know that we all recognize how hard it is to be so honest with us and yourself right now. Hang in there.

Knuckles said...

Thanks for the award.

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