Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I feel selfish...Because I am.

Laying in bed with Sean last night, comforting him from the pain of cancer, reading him books after books just try to make him feel better, I realized something. The distance between my friends and I are getting wider and wider. The words spoken are getting fewer and fewer. And I just don't know what to do.

I have Skype I've had Skype since I learned about it awhile back. It's a great program when you move around so much and so many of your friends are all over the world. It's a great feeling to sit down and be able to hear the person's voice and even see their faces that you haven't seen in awhile.

Even the friends I met online, talking on Skype make them closer than reading plain text on a screen. Make them feel more like a person, like I can relate to each of them.

But reading stories after stories last night, I wonder why I haven't thought of this before. This distance is getting bigger, this awkwardness, this bubble.

I now am lost between juggling friends, school, and keeping up and caring for Sean. I feel selfish, to sometimes wish that I can get away for a week, just to hang out with my friends or talk to them on Skype without Sean crying and begging for the pain to stop. I feel selfish when my friends on Skype have to watch what they say because Sean is around. I feel selfish when I have to repeat asking them to stop over and over again. I feel extremely selfish.

He's my cousin, he's the man I'll never be, he's the warrior fighting this cancer, this "dull" Medulloblastoma and yet I'm sitting in my chair wishing for all this to stop, wishing to hang and chill with friends or even time to myself. His parents are deployed and when he needs someone the most, it feels like I can't provide it for him.

And still, I feel the extreme selfishness to be thinking of myself. To wish that my parents would be less busy with everything and just watch Sean for awhile. Or even, leave Sean here in the hospital by himself, just so I can try and talk to my old friends, try making new friends, or even just go around town and get used to the place.

I feel selfish...
Because I am.

Forgive me Sean.
Forgive me Aunt Becca and Uncle Josh.
Forgive me everyone I've hurt and left behind in the process.
Forgive me.


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