Sunday, May 3, 2009

Statistics may just fuck you up, big time.

With all the recent bull shit going on, I got to say something because if I keep holding it in, I'll eventually burst.

No matter how you feel about a person, it seems as if they just don't care because you are moving soon. And everything fun were wiped away from memory and just death and lonesome. There was a reason I asked the girl to prom, I like her, I enjoy her company and hopefully, she enjoys mine. Towards the end of prom, I couldn't hold in my breath, I told her the truth.

"I want to keep going with this, but I don't know how. I'm moving, you're graduating and..."

She didn't say anything more other than we should have a good time while we still can. I agreed. And what end up happening was heartaches and loneliness. Though she kept apologizing on the way home, there was nothing anyone could do to fix the broken heart and that feeling of dead, cold, silence.

I've only felt this way about one another girl and now, it seems as if I would never feel that way again. And I often times say "Never said never" but really, I thought about it, that was how much it hurt.

During dinner, Mom asked me about prom, I lied and said it was good and we both had a great time. Half lie I guess, I did had a good time, that is til she left me completely alone for the rest of the night. And after that the amount of "sorry" doesn't cut it. I drove her home, thanked her mom for allowing me bring her daughter to prom, and left. And it felt as if I left my heart in the car, somewhere lost in the dust.

So after attempting to make myself somewhat "happy", I decided to stop studying for the AP test this Friday. I should have kept studying.

Years ago, when I got hurt, the doctor told me the chances of me getting someone pregnant is extremely slim but there are still ways to do it if I really want to settle down and have a family. I did research after research just to see where I stand. And it seem as if when I'm ready to have a kid, it's possible.

I never thought it would be now. "Accidents happen" people say, but not like this. I decided to trust some statistics than instinct. I decided to trust some statistics than what I learned from class. I never did the right thing and wore protection and now, I am faced with the one of the most difficult events of my life. Yes it wasn't smart and though the girl already made up her mind she will not keep the kid, somehow, it affects me more than she will ever know.

Growing up, I learned not to ask "what if" and those questions only create fear, doubt, and more. But this time I could not helped myself. As soon as I was told the test results, the "what ifs" began to flow, and they haven't stop either.

"What if this is the last time I can have a kid."
"What if she keeps it."
"What if Dad finds out."

All the "what ifs" can fill an ancient well by now. And with her decision of not keeping it, my feelings now stood on a thin line. A thin line between happy and extreme depression. Happy that I have the chance to not make that mistake again but depress that this, just might be the only "kid" I will ever have.

And somehow, a little man in my head said, "I told you so..." followed by the "you should never have made that last tackle...we wouldn't have this problem now."

The "shouldn't" and "what ifs" are slowly killing me tonight, but only through writing may I show it is. I can't afford to have everything break down just because of my emotions. This move, mom being pregnant, I can't afford to have it break down, not now, not ever.

While "everything happen" for a reason, I now wonder why the recent events, especially within the last 48 hours, turned out the way they did. And while I sit here reading people's words on a friendly site, my mind is wondering off of the "what ifs" and "shit...I fucked up"

Because I did, I fucked up and now I pay the price.

Forgive me, the "kid" I made.
Forgive me, sweet Kelly, for feeling anything.
Forgive me, God, for the mistakes I've done.


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