Sunday, April 18, 2010

Week of April 18th, 2010

It's been 3 weeks since Mom left for Heaven. I don't know why I'm counting the days. And it's been a longest 3 weeks I have ever encountered in my life, yet. I was numb and still am. I was keeping myself busy by taking care of Sarah and the house. And I was trying to take my mind off of Mom by thinking of Dad, wherever he is. In a way, I rather think about the possibility of Dad getting killed on the job than Mom who lays peacefully on my Grandparents land. Yes, I know, I'm strange and crazy.

Throughout these weeks, I've found myself saying the same couple words over and over again. And almost subconsciously.

This ain't nothin'

I'd tell people.

This ain't nothin'

And my friends would wonder what's nothin' or what's somethin'
And I wouldn't say another word. They'd stare at me with this look and find some excuse to get away from me. Maybe that's the reason why my friends have been avoiding me.

After Mom died, so many things in life that's nothin'.
I just wish I can listen between the lines of Craig Morgan's song This Ain't Nothin'. I wish the lyrics would jump out at me or Mr. Morgan would tell it to me face to face. Or even, someone would just slap me.

Why? Because right now...

I feel nothin'

And maybe if someone does slap me, I can actually feel pain.

I am nothin'
Because this ain't nothin'


Tiffanie said...

Still praying for you, Sarah & your Dad!

Renee said...

You count the days/weeks because nothing else makes a damn bit of sense right now. The 'nothingness" will linger for a while - your world's been rocked and there's not a center of direction. I hate the "cliche" that 'it gets better with time'... I can't say it gets better, but I'm learning it doesn't hurt ALL the time.

Knuckles said...

And I am waiting for the time when it won't hurt ALL the time.

Thanks guys.

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