Thursday, April 22, 2010

Silent and Emptiness

On the way home yesterday, I had the random thought of wheeling to school on Earth Day. No, I'm not trying to start something, I just felt like doing it. So today, I did just that. I "walked" to school. 3.7 miles away and it only took me an hour and of course, I "walked" back also. So HA to all those extreme tree hugging people out there. I did my part for Earth Day, I went 7.4 miles just to travel to school from home and back. So HA.

Today was one of those up and down days. Classes and school went okay, (though I sat through one of the most amazing lecture I have ever heard) chores were chores and well...I got both rejection letters (from Maryland and Oklahoma) and acceptance letter (from Kentucky) in the mail. As I look up and saw Mom's car in the driveway, I somehow smiled. I rushed into the house with the letters on my lap, opened the door to an empty house. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I wanted to show Mom that I got accepted to Kentucky, my fall back school. I don't know but I guess I forgot. So I went in the empty and silence house, made copies of both the rejection and acceptance letter and burned the copy.

Maybe this way, Mom would know how the applications result.

For the rest of the night, I turned off the NFL Draft. I was no longer in the mood. I sat there and wondered what I wanted for dinner. I wondered about a lot of things actually. About Mom and Dad, about Sarah, about college, school, and friends. And slowly I felt this hole inside of me getting bigger and deeper. The silent is killing me. The emptiness is killing me. The decisions, the thoughts, everything.

They are all slowly killing me.
But I don't know how to make 'em stop. So, I just let 'em chew my heart out slowly and let 'em dig this hole. It's hurting so bad I am numb and don't feel anything anymore. If that makes any sense. It freaking hurts

I have a lot of decisions I need to make. And I don't know what to do...

For those of you keeping track:

Accepted:
Kentucky

Rejected:
Miami
Maryland
Oklahoma

Still waiting to hear back:
Florida
Ohio St
Texas A&M

2 comments:

Tiffanie said...

My fingers are crossed for you! Just remember everything happens for a reason...maybe instead of calling it a "rejection" letter refer to it as..."there is a better school for me" letter! :o))) Keep your head up!

Julie the Army Wife said...

Yes everything will work out! And I bet whatever school you choose in the end will work out perfectly! College will be great :)

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