So I Cried. So I Chuckled.

Thank you again to those who send their condolences. Truly, thank you.

Someone I know but never met before and I got talking today. She told me, "I know you're hurting...I'm a Mom, I worry." And she is right, I am hurting. And I will for a long time. People tell me I should put myself first, that Sarah and Dad will be ok and I should most definitely take care of myself first.

But I can't, I don't know why I can't. I just can't. I HAVE to make sure that Dad and Sarah are okay. Especially Sarah. And if that means putting myself aside, so be it.

So yes, I am hurting. I laugh, I smile, I chuckle, and I joke. But I am hurting. Like something is nibbling at my heart and it hurts like a bitch.

Earlier, Sarah woke up crying and I knew she was hungry. After I fed her and put her back to bed, I went back into my room and continued reading Wired For War while listening to the radio. And out of nowhere, a song by country classic artist Patty Loveless came on the radio.

Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same.

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?

Time is too long, Mama, even if it eases our pain. I don't want to say goodbye Mama. I don't want to hurt, but I am. I don't want to cry, but I am. If you can hold me like you did before, please do. But please, I don't want to say goodbye.

Didn't take long for the song to make me cry...so I cried.

So with tears in my eyes, I checked my email. I checked my Google Reader and saw today's Cyanide&Happiness.

Didn't take long for the comic to make me chuckle...so I chuckled.

I'm sure this is Mom's doing, because only she can make me cry then make me chuckle within the matter of minutes.

Time is too long, Mama, even if it eases our pain. I don't want to say goodbye Mama. I don't want to hurt, but I am. I don't want to cry, but I am. If you can hold me like you did before, please do. But please, I don't want to say goodbye.

I love you Mama.