Week of February 28th, 2010

Last day of hanging out with Nicole before I head back home. I got about an hour or so before we need to head to the airport. Wasn't sure why, but, I couldn't sleep last night. Maybe it was because I got too much on my mind or maybe to me, if I don't sleep, Nicole and I can be together longer. (Even if she is asleep in her own room)

I must of passed out because I woke up at 0900 with Nicole laying next to me (staring at me if you will) and blaring this song. What a great way to wake up... I thought to myself. The fact that Nicole was laying next to me first thing I wake up made me smile. But the music choice she had to try and wake me up was...well, "interesting"

So, I guess, decide for yourself guys. This week's weekly tune is a techno band called Justice and their song DVNO

P.S. I'm pretty sure I'll have this song stuck in my head all day if not all week.

Happy Birthday Buddy

In the mist of current events and the busy life between home and school, I never would have thought I would forget Sean's birthday. But...I guess I did. Sorry kiddo

Up till now. When Nicole, her parents, and I are all chilling in the living room, with the TV on and talking about random thing, out of nowhere, I remembered. Tomorrow is February 27th, Sean's birthday.

He would have been 6 years old.

And thinking about his laughs make me smile. Thinking about his pain makes me thank God that Sean is no longer suffering. That somewhere up in Heaven, Sean is having the time of his life. Making friends, having fun, and so much more. But how I wish of the instead. How I wish that Sean is with us today so he can blow out 6 candles just as he blew out 5 candles the year before. How I wish he is here tonight asking for rides on my chair. How I wish to hear his laugh and chuckle as he ask me, "Wheelies? Cousin Matty?" Of course, buddy, wheelies, always.

As I think about Sean, I thought about my Uncle and Aunt. They both have been out of touch with us but I don't blame 'em. Between deployments and fighting this emotional war, I understand why they zone out from the rest of the family. They simply need time. But time, may not be the medicine they need to feel better. Sean, their son, is what they both need. And how I wish I can bring Sean back.

Because the world isn't the same without this little guy. The world will never be the same without the people we love.

Nicole and I were thinking about going to watch a movie tomorrow. We were even thinking of driving hours to the beach and just enjoy hanging out with each other. But I think, instead we're going to drive up to Duke Children's and see if we can bring some smiles to the cancer ward.

We can't hear Sean laugh and chuckle but I believe Sean would want to make sure all his fellow warriors are smiling and laughing everyday. ESPECIALLY on his birthday.

Happy birthday buddy.
Happy birthday.

I Love You Mama

There are just days now that Mama won't feel good at all.

There are just days that she planned something but it doesn't turn out the way she wanted it to.

Like tonight.

Mama was planning on cooking us some Chinese food. She bought everything she needed but tonight, all 'em ingredients are sitting in the fridge. She was in a lot pain tonight and pain I wish I can take for her. I wish that she didn't have to feel this pain that she doesn't have to worry about it at all. She said to me, "Sweetheart, cook Chinese, I'll teach you." It's funny how stubborn Mama can be. She can hardly talk without wincing from the pain and yet she is determined to have Chinese for dinner.

I talked her out of it.

I told her we can have Chinese when I get back from my trip. I told her when I get back, she can show me how to cook Chinese. I told her to lay down on the couch and rest while I go out and buy us some dinner. Yet she continued to tell me that the ingredients will go bad if we don't cook it tonight. Mama's stubborn like that.

So I grabbed Sarah and went out and bought some Chipotle for dinner. Someone at the store thought Sarah was my kid, but no, she's simply my sister. A sister I care a lot about and through Mama's pain, I can see Sarah's in pain also. She knows something is wrong but can't pin-point it. She knows something is wrong but there is no way of her doing anything to make it better. But I know she knows.

Smart girl Sarah.

I came home to found Mama crying in the living room. I know for as long as I have lived Mama would never cry in front of me. She would hide it in hopes that I don't know she's crying. Guess she just never wanted me to worry. But tonight she couldn't help it. Mama's in a lot of pain. So I settled Sarah back in her room and came back out to the living room to take care of Mama. There was literally nothing I can do to stop the pain but watch and hope that she'll be better soon. She laid on the couch and cried and cried.

I lost my appetite for Chipotle after that.
I think I lost my appetite for rest of my life.

I wish there's something I can do. I wish there's some way I can take the pain for her. I wish there's some way I can make her all better. Some way so Mama won't ever be in pain no more. But to do that, means saying see you later to Mama. Catch-22 is a bitch...

I'm leaving for the airport in 6 hours. Yet I don't want to go even when Mama insisted that I go. Mama's stubborn like that. I just hope Mama falls asleep soon. That way, she won't hurt no more.

I love you Mama. Sleep please, so you don't have to hurt no more.

Week of February 21, 2010

I got back from my college visit last Monday (the 15th) I got sick Monday night and well, let's just say that I missed the entire week of school. FAIL! So I did nothing but stayed home, slept, and is just sick as a dog.

And this week, I realized I'm glad that:

• I got Mom here to make Chicken Noodle Soup for me.
  
• I got Mom here to help me cough out these nasty mucus.
  
• I got Nicole to talk to me and make me feel somewhat better by just hearing hear voice.
  
• I got Nicole to help me trying to put aside the current events and be happy for what we have now.
  

And thinking about that, slowly I realize us guys' life would be nothing without 'em girls. Funny when we're young, us boys run away from girls because they have cooties. And now we hate to love 'em and love to hate 'em all at the same time. As Brooks&Dunn sings it best "Til you put a girl in it. You aint got nothin, What's it all worth, Without a little lovin" So this week, join me in listening to Brooks&Dunn's Put A Girl in It and be glad no matter how much "cooties" girls got, we got 'em in our lives!

P.S. This music video makes me

College Visits and more

After this trip to University of Kentucky, University of Maryland, and Ohio State, I've decided to move Kentucky as my last choice and then Maryland and Ohio State will be on my top three choices.

Week of February 14, 2010

Before I go onto this week's Weekly Tunes, I'd like to say HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! to all my readers who celebrate Lunar New Years. May the year of the Tiger bring you joy and prosperity! 新年快樂！恭喜發財! 年年有餘! Kung Xi Fa Cai! Kung Hei Fat Choy!

This week, since I got a 4-day weekend, I traveled to Kentucky, Maryland, and Ohio to do some college visits. Be sure to read about the visits later on but on the flight from DCA to CMH, I sat next to an old man and we started talking. Later I found out (through his stories) that during WWII he served with the 101st. Just like that, he told me his adventures like I'm his own Grandchild. Just like that, we made fast friends.

He told me the story as if I was there and out of nowhere he told me, "Wish you could see what I saw, kiddo." And just like that, Jamey Johnson's In Color popped in my head. So this week, join me this week and listen to In Color. Do you know someone that always says "should of seen it in color" every time they tell you a story?

I sure do, even with complete strangers.

Week of February 7, 2010

So in all the busy schedule of everything, I forgot to do Weekly Tunes for the week of February 7th! So here goes:

I'm a huge Josh Turner fan an well, he's releasing a new album on the 9th of February! The album is call "HayWire" and it is now available where music are sold!

Anyways, I haven't got the album yet but I do know one song that WILL be in the album. And after the time I've had with Nicole, I think this sound just fits! Join me this week and listen to Josh Turner's Why Don't We Just Dance.

As soon as Nicole wakes up, I think I'll ask her this question!

Challenges of 2nd Life

I think in this world...there are people that are either ignorant or just simply, stupid. They're not just simply stupid, they like to try and piss off the entire world just so they can be happy.

This is a "conversation" that I "had" with this user on TeenSpot

SethAsylum> I remember a while back that you weren't a Moderator, then I just saw you today and you're a Moderator and I'm like wtf?! so I look at your profile
SethAsylum> And you being in a wheelchair is probably one of the main reasons they made you a Moderator.
SethAsylum> They wanted to be "niiiiiiiiice"
SethAsylum> : )

By the time he said these three lines, I was already extremely pissed. But I tried my best to now show anger online, after all it is just the inter-web. Yet he continued...

SethAsylum> Cause that's what they do with people who are less fortunate
SethAsylum> We've all seen it.
SethAsylum> Well, you are in a wheelchair, that's unfortunate right?

and continued...

SethAsylum> You think I hate people who are in wheelchairs, knipe ?
SethAsylum> Apparently, it's not ok to explain my way of thinking.
SethAsylum> The truth hurts.
SethAsylum> I didn't mean anything by it, Knipe.

By the time he said this, I was about to go off on him. There was a lot of things I can say to convey what I was feeling at that time. But I just sat still read what he wrong and took it. As mad and as pissed of as I was, I had to remind myself that there are just people like that out there. And well, this is one of the challenges of having a 2nd chance at life. There WILL be stupid people like that and who doesn't see the wrong in what they believe in.

That's one of the challenges of living again I guess.
I just hope I don't ever have to meet one in person, I wouldn't have been so calm as I did earlier today.

Lips and Fingers Sealed

I realized awhile ago that I have readers from all over the world and of course, all over the country. So talking to my friend Ashh (who lives in Las Vegas- I know, lucky right?) yesterday, she was EXTREMELY surprised to hear that I now have a girlfriend. (Really? What do you guys all think of me, some kind of lone nerdy cripple that never EVER had a girl?! Please...)

Ashh is a reader of my blog so I was surprised when she didn't know this news. She insisted that it's not there. So she told me...

NEXT TIME, have a sentence that just says "Nicole is my boothang."

I told her ok, on my next blog post I will say that Nicole is my boothang. (Yes, I wrote boothang...you guys should thank Ashh) Ashh is fairly determined to find out just where I wrote about it so after 5 some minutes, I finally decided to hunt down this post for her. And simple enough, it says so right there.

"After the surprise visit from Nicole, I asked her to come to the Pat Green concert with me and I asked her out. So that's who this "Nicole" character is, guys."

So...finally Ashh apologized (of which she RARELY do):

"Matt, I apologize for saying that you didn't put the fact that you asked Nicole out on your blog and still called you a liar even after I told you I checked. I must've missed that sentence."

So...HA ASHH IN YOUR FACE!

Now, as I have said on Twitter, I am feeling both physically and mentally exhausted. This isn't something light, it's an extreme.

If you don't know, my parents made me sign a Social Network Contract with 'em I think last week? Basically, there are now thing I can and can't disclose on either my Twitter or Blog or even IMs to my friend. I almost must watch what I said to Nicole, because we'll I sign the contract and on top of that...there's a reason why my parents insist on me signing the contract.

I didn't know why then and I still don't fully understand it now but...I'm sure there's a reason. If you're wondering what's going on, I'm sorry, I can't tell you. All I can do is give you hints through the labels (in hopes that I don't break the contract) and well, ask you all for your prayers. Because truly, we need it.

Someone asked me whether or not college visits are still happening, I'm not sure. At this point, I'm not sure of anything. We just really need to sit down as a family and talk over A LOT of things. So, hopefully this Friday's dance is still a go, hopefully the college visits are still a go, and hopefully Spring Break plans are still a go.

And truly hope that everything will be alright. Thanks guys for understanding.
Mom, I love you.
Always.

I Need A Break

First, thank you all for the tweets and contacts about how Sarah's doing. She's a lot better now and the fever has gone down. She's on a few medications but should be back to her normal self pretty soon! Thanks guys for caring about her!

Now onto the matter at hand...

I'm pretty sure I need a break.

A break from what? Well everything but I know that would be a fairy tale. To take a break from life and everything around you, well ya that would be impossible.

I'm thinking more about taking a break from PT (Physical Therapy) You may or may not know from what I've written last time but doctors told me that I show signs of Muscle Atrophy. And well, lately I've been switching up my usual PT routines and focusing more on making this Atrophy thing go away.

And quite frankly, I'm not happy about it. I've had SCI (Spinal Cord Injury) for 3 years and been to PT countless time, what I was doing was SUPPOSED to help with that but nope. It didn't. And now, I feel like I'm rushing to do something to avoid this diagnostics. I'm rushing and exhausting myself over it and that I am not happy, at all.

I sat in my car for a few moments today before going home from PT. I sat there and stared at my legs and thought about the amount of time and energy I'm letting go for such thing and decided, I'm tired of it.

Tired of it and need a break.

I know, guys, I know. PT can help with spasms and plenty of other stuff but quite frankly, I'm at that point of my SCI life that I'm just sick of PT, I'm sick of the medications I'm taking and yes, I'm sick of SCI. Anyone got any ideas of how I can take a break from this? Because I sure don't know how.

Sounds like one of those week/month when I just want to lay on the ground and NOT do anything.

Sounds like one of those week/month when I just want my legs back, even if it's just for an hour.

I wish Avatar was real...
then I can close my eyes and be free...