I Love You Mama

There are just days now that Mama won't feel good at all.

There are just days that she planned something but it doesn't turn out the way she wanted it to.

Like tonight.

Mama was planning on cooking us some Chinese food. She bought everything she needed but tonight, all 'em ingredients are sitting in the fridge. She was in a lot pain tonight and pain I wish I can take for her. I wish that she didn't have to feel this pain that she doesn't have to worry about it at all. She said to me, "Sweetheart, cook Chinese, I'll teach you." It's funny how stubborn Mama can be. She can hardly talk without wincing from the pain and yet she is determined to have Chinese for dinner.

I talked her out of it.

I told her we can have Chinese when I get back from my trip. I told her when I get back, she can show me how to cook Chinese. I told her to lay down on the couch and rest while I go out and buy us some dinner. Yet she continued to tell me that the ingredients will go bad if we don't cook it tonight. Mama's stubborn like that.

So I grabbed Sarah and went out and bought some Chipotle for dinner. Someone at the store thought Sarah was my kid, but no, she's simply my sister. A sister I care a lot about and through Mama's pain, I can see Sarah's in pain also. She knows something is wrong but can't pin-point it. She knows something is wrong but there is no way of her doing anything to make it better. But I know she knows.

Smart girl Sarah.

I came home to found Mama crying in the living room. I know for as long as I have lived Mama would never cry in front of me. She would hide it in hopes that I don't know she's crying. Guess she just never wanted me to worry. But tonight she couldn't help it. Mama's in a lot of pain. So I settled Sarah back in her room and came back out to the living room to take care of Mama. There was literally nothing I can do to stop the pain but watch and hope that she'll be better soon. She laid on the couch and cried and cried.

I lost my appetite for Chipotle after that.
I think I lost my appetite for rest of my life.

I wish there's something I can do. I wish there's some way I can take the pain for her. I wish there's some way I can make her all better. Some way so Mama won't ever be in pain no more. But to do that, means saying see you later to Mama. Catch-22 is a bitch...

I'm leaving for the airport in 6 hours. Yet I don't want to go even when Mama insisted that I go. Mama's stubborn like that. I just hope Mama falls asleep soon. That way, she won't hurt no more.

I love you Mama. Sleep please, so you don't have to hurt no more.