I've Decided

I've been weighing this on my mind ever since Mom passed away. And for weeks I tried to put it in the back of my mind. I kept telling myself that I'll deal with it later when it comes up. I didn't want to think about this because making this decisions meaning pulling myself in 3 or even 4 different directions. It'll make me hurt, it'll make me wonder about the what ifs and it'll make me wish more that Mom never left.

So I put it off because we can't turn back time and I can't bring my Mama back. Though I wish I can, even if it means trading my own life.

So days went by of me busy with school and trying to ride out the rest of my senior year. Weeks went by of me busy with life and taking care of Sarah that I truly put this subject in the back of my head. But as the end of May and graduation draws closer and closer, this thing started to crawl back like a freaking cockroach.

So I sat in my car one day and thought long and hard about this decision. I thought about a lot of different things, I thought about Sarah, I thought about Dad and I thought about myself and my dreams. I thought about the years when I ran the bases with all my might so "I can play ball!" I thought about the years that football seems like the only thing that truly matters to me. And when I made up my mind, I thought about a "good" way to tell Dad when he gets home. I thought about a "good" way to tell my Grandparents. And even after I told 'em my decision, I still don't know if what I said to 'em was a "good" one.

I put off telling my Grandparents until after graduation, until the end of the dinner and events, until the guests left the house. Until I couldn't put it off anymore and I told my Grandparents my decision.

To my surprise, my Grandparents took it well. Grandpa didn't shook his head or sigh and Grandma didn't urged me to think about this just "one more time" They didn't say anything but nodded their heads. Maybe they didn't say anything this time because they are so disappointed in me, they have nothing to say....I truly hope this isn't the case. And now sitting alone in my house, I wonder if Mom would be okay with my decision, I wonder what Mama is saying in Heaven. I wonder if she's mad at me or if she's just yelling like there's no tomorrow. I wish there's a way for me to know...

I decided I'm not going away for college.

I applied to 7 schools and got into 4 schools (Kentucky, Ohio State, Florida, Texas A&M) and though I am extremely happy for those 4 schools for accepting me to their university, I am not going away for college and I will deny attendance in all 4 schools.

Call me all you want or think of me less if you want to. I don't care. Because I can't do it, I just can't go away to college without thinking about Sarah and about Dad. I can't go miles away thinking that Sarah's alone or at my Grandparents without Dad or me. I can't imagine her sad days of missing Mama without me or Dad I just can't do it. People kept asking me if there were any other way, there might be but I really don't want to take chances. Call me all you want but truly, I can't do it, I can't leave Sarah here.

But don't you guys fucking call my Dad names and think of him as selfish for not retiring now and think of him as a bad parent. Because I know where he's coming from. I know he is seeing the big picture and want the best for the both of us. Mama's not here anymore and things we used to have may only last so long. There are just too many things to think about and I know Dad's looking at the big picture. He's looking at the big picture even when he lost his best friend and his love. I trust him, he's my Dad.

And before you go into a rant about my bad decision, I said I'm not going away for college but that doesn't mean I'm not going to college. I'm already taking college classes at the local community college (15 units right now) and talking to counselors about which A.A degree will be good for me and the possibility of transferring to elsewhere for my B.A or maybe even Ph.D. degree. I know how important having an education is so I won't throw that completely away.

This just means that I won't be going away for college. I won't be partying at some frat house and getting myself drunk every week. I won't be living in a dorm or sitting at the students section of the football stadium. I won't be able to hear the noises during March with my own ears. I won't be able to go around checking out college girls and thinking about Nicole.

But I'll be with Sarah and I'll get my degree, you can count on that.

Mama, I truly hope you were at graduation today. I know I've told you it's just a little sheet of paper but I really wish that you saw it when I put it up to the sky for you. I also truly hope that you aren't mad or upset and disappointed with this college decision I've made. I just want what's best for Sarah and Dad. I really do. I love you Mama, please don't be disappointed.