The Tears Behind the Smile

I, am messed up. I can't think straight and I can't see straight. It's hard for me to find the motivation to do homework/assignments. I am messed up.

It took me months to finally admit that out loud, that I am truly messed up and I am truly not okay. And it took me even more time to finally decide go to talk to the school counselor. Thinking and hoping that they know the people that can help me. Because really, I am messed up.

I talked to the counselor for hours. I cried when I told her about Dad and I bawled when I told her about Mom and Sarah. She didn't say much, though, and parts of me felt like I wasted my time because the things she said, you can probably read it on one of those For Dummies book. She said that eventually, I'll come to accept the fact that Mom is no longer with us. Eventually she said and ya...eventually.

I wonder when that'll be.

Last night, I had a long talk over Skype with Ashlet, good friend of mine living in Hawaii. I didn't tell her everything that's going on in my heart but I broke down in front of her. I cried and sobbed because I missed Mom and the thought of "this just ain't fair" ran through my mind over and over again.

I told her my busy schedule of taking care of Sarah, high school, and college classes. I told her how lost I am in the world and wish that someone would just tell me what to do so I wouldn't have to think about it. I told her the frustration I have trying to decide whether or not Oatmeal Cereal or Rice Cereal is best for Sarah. I told her one of many reasons I can't go live with my Grandparents is because I am not ready. I am not ready to see where Mom lays every time I get back on the Ranch. Maybe in the future I will be able to but right now, I can't. I am not ready. I am not ready because my mind is still playing a trick on me, constantly.

There are just too many decisions I must make within the next couple months that are going to impact me for the rest of my life. And truly I don't know what to do. I got accepted to Kentucky, Ohio State, Texas A&M, and Florida. But as I read 'em acceptance letters, I hurt. I hurt because Mom isn't here sitting next to me reading the letters with me. I hurt because she isn't squeezing me tight in her bear hug as she tell me how proud she is of me. I hurt because I got into the schools I wanted to play football for. I hurt because I don't know what to do.

Even after the amount of times I called Sarah a whiny little $*%#^ I love her. I love her because she is my sister. I love her because she is part of Mom. And that is all I have left of Mom right now. I love her so much I do not want to ever leave her behind. Everything I do now is because of her and for her. And if Dad was here, I would be doing the same for Dad too. Because I do NOT want 'em to feel alone nor do I want to leave 'em behind. Ever.

Graduation is less than a month away. I already have college acceptance letters waiting for me. And I don't even know which schools I want to go to or if I should go to college. Going to college was a huge dream of mine. To be on my own would be amazing. To be dependent on my own and maybe Dosh would be freaking awesome. And my parents would agree, they wanted to kick me out as soon as possible.

But we never thought Mom would get sick. She did and now she's gone. That plan is different now. Leaving for college is different now. With Dad gone a lot of the times, Sarah would be alone. And when Dad is home, they would be alone, trying to fight through the days without Mom. Going to college is different now. I can't just leave for college without thinking about Sarah and Dad. People tell me there's relatives, my Grandparents, or even friends that would be there for Dad and Sarah when I'm gone. True but they don't live the life. They hear about it and feel for us. We are feeling it.

I am an Army Brat, I was taught at a young age to never leave anyone behind. I can still remember running laps with one of my classmates because he was the last one finishing up the mile. I ran with him even though people voiced their opinions. I did it because I don't leave anyone behind. And I am not about to leave anyone behind now. Especially not Dad or Sarah.

And going away to college, to me, is leaving Sarah and Dad behind. It's not the same when I can only visit 'em whenever I have break. And I know I will not be able to focus on schools miles away thinking about Dad and Sarah. I do not want to fail out of college nor do I want it on my record.

Going to live with a relative or Grandparents would mean leaving Dad behind. It'll mean that when Dad gets home from work, the house would be empty. It would mean that he would be living on his own or who knows, maybe he'll go back to the barracks. Dad is already dealing with work and the loss of his best friend, I don't think leaving him alone would be such a good idea. At all.

So you see, I don't know about college. I don't knwo what I'm doing to do, and truly, I can't even see straight or think straight. I just want Dad and Sarah to be okay and I sure as hell is going to do whatever I can to make sure they will be okay or at least have someone there for 'em when they are not.

I am in the middle of making one of the biggest decision in my life. Inside me I am FUBAR but I put on a smile for my friends and those that run into me. Inside though, that's a whole different story.

I love you Mama and we miss you terribly.
I love you Dad, please take care of yourself at work and come home soon.
I love you Sarah, even if all you do is cry, sleep, eat, and poop.

Week of April 25th, 2010

If you didn't know, I went to Brooks&Dunn and Jason Aldean's concert last night. I took a bunch of audio clips of chorus of songs. And at the same time, took some videos of songs, live. There are definitely a few that I would like to share with you guys (Brooks&Dunn did a tribute to the troops with their song Only In America) I'll put it up here on the blog and what not after I look through 'em and put 'em on my computer. Hopefully it won't take too long for me to go through 'em.

But for this week, I'd like to share this song by a new artist to the country music world, his name is Matt Kennon and with his new album The Call, he's already making hits with his amazing lyrics.

Matt Kennon and his new album The Call

When his single The Call came out, radio stations all over the nation were swamped with calls requesting this song. And soon, he became more than just another starter in the country music industry, he is making a name for himself.

So join me this week and listen to Matt Kennon's The Call and think to yourself, who in your life deserve the call? Don't wait, call 'em right now.

Silent and Emptiness

On the way home yesterday, I had the random thought of wheeling to school on Earth Day. No, I'm not trying to start something, I just felt like doing it. So today, I did just that. I "walked" to school. 3.7 miles away and it only took me an hour and of course, I "walked" back also. So HA to all those extreme tree hugging people out there. I did my part for Earth Day, I went 7.4 miles just to travel to school from home and back. So HA.

Today was one of those up and down days. Classes and school went okay, (though I sat through one of the most amazing lecture I have ever heard) chores were chores and well...I got both rejection letters (from Maryland and Oklahoma) and acceptance letter (from Kentucky) in the mail. As I look up and saw Mom's car in the driveway, I somehow smiled. I rushed into the house with the letters on my lap, opened the door to an empty house. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I wanted to show Mom that I got accepted to Kentucky, my fall back school. I don't know but I guess I forgot. So I went in the empty and silence house, made copies of both the rejection and acceptance letter and burned the copy.

Maybe this way, Mom would know how the applications result.

For the rest of the night, I turned off the NFL Draft. I was no longer in the mood. I sat there and wondered what I wanted for dinner. I wondered about a lot of things actually. About Mom and Dad, about Sarah, about college, school, and friends. And slowly I felt this hole inside of me getting bigger and deeper. The silent is killing me. The emptiness is killing me. The decisions, the thoughts, everything.

They are all slowly killing me.
But I don't know how to make 'em stop. So, I just let 'em chew my heart out slowly and let 'em dig this hole. It's hurting so bad I am numb and don't feel anything anymore. If that makes any sense. It freaking hurts

I have a lot of decisions I need to make. And I don't know what to do...

For those of you keeping track:

Accepted:
Kentucky

Rejected:
Miami
Maryland
Oklahoma

Still waiting to hear back:
Florida
Ohio St
Texas A&M

Time Management

I'm not sure why this is happening...

For the last couple weeks, I told myself that I need a hour or so nap so I can function throughout my day, so I can have the energy to wake up from the nap feeling refreshed. So I can do my homework and assignments from both high school and college.

That never happened.

That, meaning, I never woke up from my so called "hour nap." Well, I actually did wake up and somehow turned off my alarm and then fell back asleep. When I open my eyes again, it was 0430 or 0530. Which means I wake up just in time to get ready for my day. This means that I never woke up in the middle of the night, which means that assignments weren't done. And that means the assignments weren't turned in. We're not talking about puny high school assignments, the work that's not getting done are college assignments. Assignments that the instructors DO NOT take late.

I'm thinking this is a huge FML, what do you guys think?

Anyways, I'm not sure why this is happening. Never before have I have the problem of waking up in the middle of the night to finish up my homework. Never before have I miss an assignment, let alone a college assignment. And now, it happened more than twice in the matter of two weeks.

I think I'm horrible with time management

I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what I'm doing. I don't know why this is suddenly happening and truly don't want to push every reasoning to the fact that Mom passed away. So I'm kind of lost and at the same time frustrated. I am NOT a fan of waking up and realizing I am late for class or school. I am NOT a fan of having Sarah as my alarm clock and I am certainly NOT a fan of not turning my assignments in on time.

But I don't know how to fix this situation.

That's the one only problem. Other thing is that I am finding myself losing motivation to do a lot of things, especially homework/assignments. Just like this past weekend, I told myself I need to finish all my homework on Saturday but that never happened. Now, days later, I am stomped with assignments that were supposed to be due last week: read 5 chapters and finish reading assignments; 2 staff reports; 3 section of math homework; math take home quiz; English paper and a lot more stuff I can't remember right now.

Needless to say, once again, I am frustrated. This have never happened before in my life and now, I am finding myself procrastinate more often, losing motivation to do my work, sleeping in when I'm not supposed to, not turning in my assignments, and so much more.

I'm at a loss cause on what I can do to fix this problem. I send an email to Dad earlier today and well...I have a feeling I'm going to get my butt smoked out for these reasons. I just don't know how to manage my time with what I need to do: take care of Sarah; take care of the chores around the house; make sure I get my high school and college assignments in; study for high school and college test/quiz; get to school on time; make sure I go to my Physical Therapy sessions (Confessions time, I haven't been to PT for weeks) and actually get a good night sleep (or at least not sleep through the night when I'm supposed to be doing my assignments)

Guess I know how single parent feels now. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
If you have any ideas how I can manage my time better, please contact me or tweet/DM me because I need help. I can't make a habit of not turning in assignments, it'll hurt and kill my college GPA/grades, the grades/GPA that truly matters.

Time management and Matt does NOT get along, at all.
Hopefully we will get along soon, for my grades/health's sake.

Week of April 18th, 2010

It's been 3 weeks since Mom left for Heaven. I don't know why I'm counting the days. And it's been a longest 3 weeks I have ever encountered in my life, yet. I was numb and still am. I was keeping myself busy by taking care of Sarah and the house. And I was trying to take my mind off of Mom by thinking of Dad, wherever he is. In a way, I rather think about the possibility of Dad getting killed on the job than Mom who lays peacefully on my Grandparents land. Yes, I know, I'm strange and crazy.

Throughout these weeks, I've found myself saying the same couple words over and over again. And almost subconsciously.

This ain't nothin'

I'd tell people.

This ain't nothin'

And my friends would wonder what's nothin' or what's somethin'
And I wouldn't say another word. They'd stare at me with this look and find some excuse to get away from me. Maybe that's the reason why my friends have been avoiding me.

After Mom died, so many things in life that's nothin'.
I just wish I can listen between the lines of Craig Morgan's song This Ain't Nothin'. I wish the lyrics would jump out at me or Mr. Morgan would tell it to me face to face. Or even, someone would just slap me.

Why? Because right now...

I feel nothin'

And maybe if someone does slap me, I can actually feel pain.

I am nothin'
Because this ain't nothin'

I $*%^ You

Yesterday morning, I send out a stack of letters to Nicole yesterday. Funny how much you miss someone you care about when you can't talk or see 'em. The letters I wrote well, guess I can call 'em a typical "Hollywood Letters". I asked her about OSUT, I told her about the things going on in my life right now. I told her some of my grief but didn't storm her with what really on my mind. I guess I didn't want to burden her when she's busy with OSUT. I told her about Prom and how much I truly did't want to go because she's not here but I went anyways. And of course, I told her how much I miss her smile, her words, and mostly, her. I end the letters with "talk to you soon" or sometimes "miss you" or things of the sort.

It's almost 3 months since I asked Nicole out after the Pat Green concert we went to. And up till now, Nicole and I haven't say the word. Which word, the L word. At first thought, it makes me laugh because it reminds of me this Miller Light commercial:

I've gotten a lot of comments (usually from people around my age) saying I'm "weird" or "strange" because of the fact I haven't say the "L" word to my girlfriend. And what's even more strange is that Nicole haven't say the word to me either. Guess in a way we're "perfect" for each other because we're just that weird.

Truth is, I don't see the reason or need to rush and say the word. I've said before, "Love, like hate, is a strong emotion and I truly believe if used in the wrong context, you can hurt the person you are talking to. And worse, you may hurt yourself." With things that happened in my life, I don't see a reason in hurting myself more than things already did. This word can wait and Nicole and I are doing fine without it. We say what we mean and what's on our mind. We still laugh and smile when either of us say something funny. We're a good couple without the word and well...when the time comes, I think this word will makes us stronger than ever before.

So, for now, neither of us is saying the word.
And let's make sure it stays that way until either of us truly mean it.

Also check out my friend, Kert's blog. She wrote an entry on this topic also. Read Kert's entry and let her know what you think!

When Families Grieve

I just spend an hour crying with Sarah on my lap.

I sat with Sarah and cried while Sarah tried to cheer me up by just being herself.

Tonight was PBS's premiere of When Families Grieve and initially I didn't want to watch this show. I knew it was too soon to be watching things like this and watching it would be a horrible idea. But for some reason, I DVR it. I didn't want to watch it in the first place, but I DVR it.

And like the elephant in the room. I watched the entire episode tonight.

Let me first say that PBS did a great job putting this show together. This is one of the reason that I love Sesame Street and PBS. They will get the information and put it in an amazing way through words you can understand. But that doesn't mean it didn't make me cry.

Not even two minutes into the show, I started crying. Sitting along in the house with Sarah, I cried through the show. In some ways, I know I'm not alone but in another, I am. I wonder, "How many 19 year olds lose their Mom to cancer then have to care for his 5 months old sister while his Dad is away?" But I guess that's life?

I watched the show with Sarah knowing that she wouldn't understand. But she surprised me and stared at the TV till she passed out on my lap. Maybe she knew all along, I don't know. I just wish Dad was here to watch this show with me. Because watching and listening to the parents talk, I was starting to understand what the parents (and in ways Dad) deal with when they're are grieving and what they do after their best friend dies. And well, I know Dad deals with more. And I don't know how he does it but I guess that's Dad for you.

There were a lot of things talked about on the show that seems great for someone going through a grieving process. But to me, it's kind of crazy for me to practice the process. But truly, in ways, I am trying to pertain that into my life. With Dad working and Sarah at such a young age, it's going to be difficult. And with Sarah and my age at such a big difference, it's going to be difficult. But I will try and am trying.

In the episode Katie Couric said that when her husband (Jay) died, she had all his friends write about Jay. And on Jay's birthday, she would read the letters/stories to her daughters. That, is something I will do, starting tomorrow. I'm going to ask everyone who knew Mom to write something about her. So when Sarah is older, I can read it to her and let Sarah know all about Mom and how amazing Mom really is.

This is going to be a difficult process. But hopefully, I will find some way to make everything better, not only for myself, but for Sarah and Dad too. Thank you for everyone's support during this process, this is going to be a long and non-accessible road but hey, there will always be places that are not accessible.

You can find more about When Families Grieve on PBS

Follows Us Like a Well-trained Animal

Mom liked Army Wives.

I never really understood the reason why she liked this show and watch it weekly but she would always tell me that it's the "drama and the crazy life that Hollywood thinks we're living" Guess she likes that side of Hollywood.

Yesterday was the season premiere of Army Wives and early in the afternoon, I went to the living room to set the DVR. Dad didn't say a word as I set up the DVR to record the entire season. We just kind of stood there in silence for a couple minutes before Dad said, "Your Mom would like that."

"I know she would, Dad." I told him.

There's an elephant in the room. And its name is Death. This elephant follows us around constantly like a well-trained animal. But we don't want this animal here, we just want to be left alone.

So last night, even with the recorder on, Dad and I sat down to watch Army Wives on Lifetime. We have two couches but for some reason, Dad and I sat on the same one. We sat on neither side of the couch and left the middle seat empty. I don't know why we did that but I guess we left the middle seat for Mom. Maybe she's was with us yesterday. Or maybe we were just hoping she would come rushing into the door at any minute, jump on the couch and yell, "GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING, RIGHT NOW!"

But we both knew Mama wouldn't come. Even if she did came, we couldn't see or feel her.

We sat there for the hour, didn't say a word and just watched the season premiere. In my head I could hear Mom's tears from watching this show. I could hear her gasping at the drama. I could hear her squealing at how "cute" some of these soldiers are. But I didn't want to hear 'em in my head. For once, I miss Mom's commentary when we watch Army Wives together. I miss the "oh my, cover my eyes, quick" or the "ohhh they're getting it on, man I wish your Dad was home." or even the "Pamla is so cute!" and other commentaries. I miss the quick and sudden squeeze that Mom gives me during the show and yes, I miss the squeals she makes when she watches this show.

I miss a lot of things right now. And wouldn't if Mama was here.

After the show, Dad turned the TV off and stood up. Said he's going out back for a smoke and well, went to cry in the backyard. Dosh and I went into my room as Dad sat out in the back and cried for nearly two hours. We sat in the silence house and heard the tears drop from a grown man's face. I wanted to be there for Dad and even if we sat there in silence, I wanted to make sure he knows I was there.

But instead, he screamed at me with his Army voice, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU I WAS SMOKING?! GET BACK IN SIDE AND WATCH SARAH." and well, I obeyed. I obeyed because I knew that was an order. I obeyed because I was scared. Scared not of Dad's voice but scared of losing him to grief.

Mama, please tell Dad it's going to be ok. Somehow.

It was a weird day yesterday. The elephant in the room seem to have got bigger and just pinned Dad and I to our separate corners. It was a weird Sunday and I'm sure there'll be more days like this. And it's these kind of days that cut into our hearts like no other.

I recorded yesterday's episode for you Mama. I'll visit in a couple days, this 3-day weekend. We can watch Army Wives together then I'll tell you all about Prom, Mama, and about school, classes, Sarah, Nicole, Dad, and everything else you'd like to know. I'm sure you'd like that. I miss you, Mama, I love you and I'll see you soon.

Week of April 11th, 2010

This week for Weekly Tunes, I'm going to mix it up a bit. (I've said before that for Weekly Tunes, I'm not going to just stick to Country or American songs, I will be mixing it up once awhile) This is a Chinese song so if you don't understand a single word from this song, it's ok. It's not you, it's the song. Again, this song is in Chinese.

Anyways, this is a classic love song by an artist named 蔡琴 (Tsai Chin). If you have no clue who 蔡琴 (Tsai Chin) is, she is a Taiwanese singer born in December 22nd, 1957. She is widely known for her classic Chinese folk songs. Her work is amazing and she is starting to branch out not only to Mainland China but Hong Kong, Europe, and the United States.

Now this song, 被遺忘的時光 (The Forgotten Time) was one of Mom's favorite Chinese Love songs and it is an amazing classic. I have put the lyrics in both Chinese and English but I must say that the English translation does not do justice to such an amazing song.

Join me this week and listen to 被遺忘的時光 (The Forgotten Time) by 蔡琴 (Tsai Chin)
This is for you, Mama. Enjoy.

是誰在敲打我窗 (Who is knocking on my window)
是誰在撩動琴弦 (Who is playing the strings)
那一段被遺忘的時光 (That period of time forgotten)
漸漸地迴昇出我心坎 (Gradually pick at my heart)

是誰在敲打我窗 (Who is knocking on my window)
是誰在撩動琴弦 (Who is playing the strings)
記憶中那歡樂的情景 (Memory of that happy times)
慢慢的浮現在我的腦海 (Slowly emerging on my mind)

那緩緩飄落的小雨 (The rain is falling slowly)
不停的打在我窗 (That kept beating on my window)
只有那沈默不語的我 (There is only me in silence)
不時的回想過去 (Looking back into the past)

是誰在敲打我窗 (Who is knocking on my window)
是誰在撩動琴弦 (Who is playing the strings)
記憶中那歡樂的情景 (Memory of that happy times)
慢慢的浮現在我的腦海 (Slowly emerging on my mind)

Week of April 4th, 2010

Two weeks after Mom passed away, I'm still in my own little bubble. In fact, I think Dad and I are both still in our own little bubble. Somehow we still think that Mom's away. Somehow, I'm thinking that Mom went on a "deployment" and will be back before we know it.

When we knew Mom got sick. I can still remember praying every night, asking God to make her feel better. Asking Him to never take Mom because we can't handle losing her. I guess you can say it's selfish thoughts and prayers but it's all I've been praying about. That Mom wouldn't leave for a long time.

I listen to country music because a lot of the songs connect to my life. And a lot of the songs make me think and answer the questions I have in life. And this song...is no different.

Make no mistake, every prayer you pray,
Gets answered, even though,
Sometimes, the answer is no.

Join me this week and listen to Brad Paisley's No from his latest album American Saturday Night

My prayers were answered. The answer is just "No"
I love you Mama.

Happy 101 Award

About two days ago, a good friend and one of my follower @mommytaco gave me this blog award. So a huge thank you to her It sure is an honor to be receiving this award

Since this is my first time getting this kind of an award, I guess I'm just going to copy and paste a lot of the things. Sorry for being such a noob!

The Rules:
1. Thank the person you received the award from.
2. Name 10 things that make you happy.
3. Share the love and contact the lucky winners!

10 things that make me happy are:
1. Football
2. Sarah and Dad- We keep each other strong in the most difficult days of our lives.
3. Nicole- Just reading that name makes me smile, hope she's doing well at OSUT
4. Twitter Family- Those who knows just want to say to cheer me up and those who knows what to say to make me cry also. I gained a sister and lost a Mom, but through Twitter I've gained many more Moms and siblings. You guys rule.
5. My chair- where would I be without you?
6. Internet- Without you, there wouldn't be Twitter or Hulu!
7. Army- even though I hate you sometimes, you still make me very happy/proud
8. Dosh- Best pet and service dog ever.
9. School- Yes I know, I'm a nerd.
10. Mom- no matter where you are, you'll always make me happy. You'll always be my Mama and I'll always love you.

10 blogs that make me happy:
The Official Google Blog- where would I (we) be without Google?
Knottie's Niche- My Twitter Mom that always knows what to say.
Empty Nest, PCS, and All the Rest- Another Twitter Mom that treats me as her own son and care about me more than I will probably ever realize.
Nadine- Someone who treats me like her own son and is on my "cooking advisory board."
Ashh- Well...because you're Ashh
Kert- Because often times, we share the same thoughts.
Lizz- The Azn sister I never have, you rule, Lizz.
Carlos- My brother in arms
Sara- Because Rigel and her are both awesome.
Erica- HellcatBetty- Because her words crack me up. She's part of the "Late-night" club and so much more.

Thanks again @mommytaco for giving me this award.

Top 10 Things that Annoy People in Wheelchairs

So The Christopher Reeve Foundation have a survey called Top 10 Things that Annoy People in Wheelchairs. I thought I should share because if you're not in a chair, you can learn what NOT to do when you see people in chairs. And well, if you're in a chair, then share your thoughts and even laugh about it if you think it's funny. You can find the survey here

Now personally, some of 'em do annoy me and at times, piss me more than usual. But some of 'em are actually pretty funny because of either how they worded 'em on the survey or how I handled the situation when it happened to me.

So, here's my take on this survey and kind of clear things up a bit for each of these 10 things. Hopefully it can make things clear for some of you not in chairs so you won't make stupid mistake that you'll get laugh at later on. (Trust me, we laugh at you all the time and call you "normal" people names too! Ha.)

Patting me on my head. Don't. (I do my hair every morning.)
This is one of the biggest pet peeves of mine. If you know me, I have a motto:

"Don't touch the hat.
Don't mess with the chair
and most definitely
NO PETTING"

And I mean it when I say that. I don't care how "cute" I look and how "sorry" you feel for me, don't pet me. (Or in a nicer way of saying it "patting") I'M NOT YOUR PET! SO DON'T PET ME! High fives, hugs, and hand shakes are cool. Petting/Patting, aren't. Got it? Good.

Speaking slowly to me because I'm in a wheelchair.
Sometimes this annoys me, other times, I just ignore it or speak slower than the person. By the time I start speaking slower than they are, they get the point. Like my good friend Tristan said, "Matt is a Cripplegic...That means he is legs retarded." And he's right, my legs are retarded, not my head. So seriously, don't speak slowly to me just because you see the chair. We'll probably and most likely run you over. And it WILL hurt.

Being asked, "So if I shot you in the leg, you wouldn't feel it?"
A freshman I didn't know ask me that one day. I asked in return, "If I shot you in the *$&%, you would feel it?" and he pretty much get the point.

Not inviting me to an event because you are protecting me from some frustration. (Let me figure it out.)
Ya this sometimes and a lot of times pisses me off. Don't think you're "protecting" me. It's not "protecting" at all when you avoid on inviting me cuz of my chair. I'm sure you would still invite someone if they had crutches or legs. Same thing. So really, if you want to invite me but worry about accessibility, tell me. I've use this chair long enough to know what I need to do or work around the situation if I need to. So yes, call me and invite me to parties. Don't just leave me hanging because of my chair. Or else, yes, I'd run you over for being stupid too.

Able-bodied people parking in handicapped spaces. (So what if you have the tag!)
I am kind of have with this one. Now I don't really mind the old grandma and grandpa's that need to park close to the store and that's why they have the tag/placards. That I'm okay with. I mean, I'm fair, right? So grandmas and grandpas, don't worry, if you're in my blue spot, I'll be glad to park in the back of the parking lot for you. But, if you're not a senior and you're just in that spot cuz either 1. You think you're only in there for "a minute" or 2. you're fat, then get the hell out of my spot.

Like this Mark Zupan commerial, "Just a minute is a minute too long."

And don't get me started on fat people in the blue spot. If you're fat then park far away and get some exercise. Don't park in the blue spot cuz you "need" it. And definitely don't go off and yell at me when I took "your" spot. Seriously...do America a favor and pack in the back. (Ok that'll be end of my fat people rant)

Holding onto the back of my chair so I can't move.
I don't really mind that people hold onto the back of my chair as much as I hate people cutting in front of me thinking that they can go "faster" than I can then just stop on a dime. Please people, be smart. Please know that I can't stop on a dime and if you stop on a dime in front of me, I WILL run into you and your ankles. So when I do, don't glare at me like it's my fault. Think, people, think. Don't stop on a dime in front of me and assume it's my fault.

Talking over my head as if I'm not here.
Sometimes that annoys me. But again, I just do the same back to the person doing this and they usually get the point. And if I'm having a bag week, I would most likely yell/rant at the person who is doing this. This tends to wake 'em right up and not do stupid things like this.

Accessible bathroom stalls being used by an able-bodied person.
Again, sometimes it annoys me and sometimes it doesn't. I mean I understand if the bathroom is full or something like that but if it's not, please, people don't make it a habit of using the accessible bathroom. But again, I am fair. I'm not going to yell at you if you take the accessible bathroom.

Congratulating me for things like going to the grocery store like it's worthy of an Olympic medal.
I found this one funny cuz it actually happened to me. I said thank you and asked for my price money. Yes, Olympic medal winners do get paid. So...my question is, where's my money?

Strangers asking what happened to me.
I actually don't mind people asking me what happened. I would rather have strangers asking me what happened than asking someone else near me. Many of the people who do ask me what happened are kids and I mean kids in 1st or 2nd grade. I just don't like it when their parents tell 'em to hush and said that asking is a rude thing. Please, really, asking is not a rude thing and it is actually quite good. Curiosity is a great thing in us humans and there is nothing wrong with feeding the curiosity. So if you're a parent and your kid points at a person in a chair and ask questions, please don't pull 'em away and tell 'em "don't point, it's rude" or "don't ask too many questions, it's rude" It actually annoys me more when parents say that. Let the kid ask, really, it's fine.

Continuing to insist on helping me after I've said no thanks.
I'm sure this is the same with everyone. If you don't need help, you don't need help. Whether you're in a chair or not don't really make a difference.

Being asked if you want a shopping cart for your grocery bags. (How can I wheel my chair and push a shopping cart?)
I think this is funny too. Some times people just don't know what to say and they make a fool out of 'emselves. And well, this is one of those situations. So laugh it off and say "no thanks" nicely. But truly, laugh about it, ha!

A restaurant hostess asking if I want a booth.
Personally I actually like it when the hostess ask me if I want a booth. Sometimes, I feel ambitious and want to sit in a booth instead of in my chair. Really it'll happen when I don't feel like sitting in my chair. So I actually don't mind it if hostess ask me if I like a booth. It just gives me more options that fits my mood of the day.

So there's that guys. Please don't make stupid mistakes like that, ever!

So I Cried. So I Chuckled.

Thank you again to those who send their condolences. Truly, thank you.

Someone I know but never met before and I got talking today. She told me, "I know you're hurting...I'm a Mom, I worry." And she is right, I am hurting. And I will for a long time. People tell me I should put myself first, that Sarah and Dad will be ok and I should most definitely take care of myself first.

But I can't, I don't know why I can't. I just can't. I HAVE to make sure that Dad and Sarah are okay. Especially Sarah. And if that means putting myself aside, so be it.

So yes, I am hurting. I laugh, I smile, I chuckle, and I joke. But I am hurting. Like something is nibbling at my heart and it hurts like a bitch.

Earlier, Sarah woke up crying and I knew she was hungry. After I fed her and put her back to bed, I went back into my room and continued reading Wired For War while listening to the radio. And out of nowhere, a song by country classic artist Patty Loveless came on the radio.

Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same.

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?

Time is too long, Mama, even if it eases our pain. I don't want to say goodbye Mama. I don't want to hurt, but I am. I don't want to cry, but I am. If you can hold me like you did before, please do. But please, I don't want to say goodbye.

Didn't take long for the song to make me cry...so I cried.

So with tears in my eyes, I checked my email. I checked my Google Reader and saw today's Cyanide&Happiness.

Didn't take long for the comic to make me chuckle...so I chuckled.

I'm sure this is Mom's doing, because only she can make me cry then make me chuckle within the matter of minutes.

Time is too long, Mama, even if it eases our pain. I don't want to say goodbye Mama. I don't want to hurt, but I am. I don't want to cry, but I am. If you can hold me like you did before, please do. But please, I don't want to say goodbye.

I love you Mama.

Are you okay?

First off, thank you for everyone's comments and support you guys are giving me. A lot of people have read my last blog and been asking me if I'm doing ok or if I'm alright. And well...here's your answer...

On the way home from the Commissary, the radio played Darryl Worley's I Miss My Friend. Midway through his sentence, Dad stopped talking and never continued.

I may have said before that we needed to "get away" from the Ranch and from all of the current events but there are just things that we CANNOT avoid. There are just things that we're not used to yet (and I wonder if we'll ever get use to it) And there are even things that we just don't know HOW to move on without Mom.

Things like:

• Going to the PX/Commissary without Mom.
  
• Prepping or even having dinner at home.
  
• Setting one less plate when we do eat at home.
  
• Selling Mom's car
  
• Turning off Mom's phone
  
• Resetting the answering machine
  

and so much more...

Even though we know one day we have to move on with our lives, right now, we can't. (Or maybe we can never move on) Right now, Mom's voice on the answering machine warms (and at the same time breaks) our hearts. Right now, Mom's car in the driveway somehow reassures us that Mom's just away for a business trip and shall return soon. I don't know why Dad and I keep fooling ourselves like this but maybe this is our way of dealing (or rather not dealing) with everything. Things truly aren't the same without Mom, our eating habits are different, our breathing habits are different. WE are different. Mom was the backbone of this family and now without her, Dad and I are just trying to form something out of our gelatin body but can't. We simply can't. Mom seems to be the person that kept Dad and I sane. And now we're just trying to look as sane as possible. So the world will believe we're sane. So our friends and family will believe we're doing alright. So we can fool ourselves and telling ourselves that it's alright. But it's not alright. Mom dying is not alright. Dad and I aren't alright (but we sure do a good job pretending we are) We miss you, Mama. Teach us how to be right again. Edit: Let it be known that it was extremely difficult for me to write this. I don't usually admit that I'm not doing alright. In fact, this is the first time I've say that I'm not alright. Trust me, this never happens.