Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Stupidity, Ignorance, and Extremely Careless

It's almost 0300 and I am wide awake. At this point I'm not sure if it's the excitement/dread of moving that is keeping me up or the fact that I just want to make sure Sean is okay. As much as I would like to tell myself that he is, sad truth is, he's not.

And for some reason laying in this bed with him, listening to music while he lay his head against my shoulder my mind started wondering. The big c is something we as a society try not to think about. We all know what it is, we know what people have to go through to fight this monster, but we don't think about it enough. We don't think about the sick adults and children. We don't think about their families, what they have to go through, the emotional and physical pain. And somehow, a simple "I can't imagine what you're going through." just passes through the mouth like saying "Hello"

But, for some reason, I started to wonder. And just like that, I read pages after pages of what Medulloblastoma is, how it affects the body and so much more. I didn't even know there were different kinds of brain cancer let alone pronouncing the damn word. I feel stupid, naive, not to mention extremely careless of what's going on around me. And the more I read, the more question I have. The more I read, the more I wonder how smart I really am.

And for a moment I wish I can call up my old schools and tell them to get rid of my GPA all together. I don't at all deserve this GPA and these grades. I can't believe how ignorant, stupid, or whatever you want to call me.

And looking at these pages then back at Sean, I wonder if he knows what I'm reading. I wonder if he knows what's going on inside my head. And parts of me feared that he will ask what I'm doing, why I'm looking so serious into the screen for and how come he's sick. How do you answer Medulloblastoma to a 5 year old kid? He knows he's sick, he probably doesn't care why he's sick. He knows already and it's hard to explain in more detail of what he already knows.

And I thought answering the birds and the bees question would be hard. This, this is hard.

And that's just touching the surface. I can tell he's got questions but afraid to ask them. He's got more questions than just being sick but questions about his parents, where they're at, why can't they come home right now, and so much more.

And with that, I seem to run out of all ideas and answers. I just smile at him with the most stupid look on my face as possible and hopefully that he'll forget everything.


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