Friday, May 22, 2009

One of those days...

If you're not fund of people bitching out and being all "emo" I suggest you stop reading right now. Don't say I didn't warn you because yes, I am having a very very bad day and really, just one of those days.

During a times when technology is so powerful, I at times found it amazing what the power of the internet can teach you about the world and even the people.

From one stranger's word about football, all-American, championship rings. You tend to wonder if all of it was even true. But in the back of your head, you can't help but wonder the what ifs. And today...this Friday morning, I am wondering what if. I am thinking the "sure be nice to do something for a change"

You read the words and wondering if the person on the other end of it actually know what he's talking about. You wonder if he will ever take your advice and somewhere in the back of your head, you wonder if you could ever be who you want to be many years ago.

Playing for Ohio State, USC, or even Florida was my dream. Playing college football, no matter what school, was my ultimate happiness. From the days of running the plays during football camp to summer training, it was my life. I truly was happy. I couldn't wait for the night to be over with and day to start just so I can put on the pads and go running for miles. I was on top of the world and really I could care less where I run to and how far. I was having fun and I was happy.

Seems sort of funny now thinking back to the bets everyone in the family made with another about who will have the most yards by the time they graduate high school. We even had all the records written down on paper. And seems like every morning, it'd be on the fridge calling out my name, calling me out to motivate me to get just one yard farther than I did before.

I never thought myself to be an over achiever or even someone who set outrageous goals. Thinking maybe, just maybe I can get enough yards to fill a football field worth, I'd be happy. I still remember the sheet of paper on our fridge, every morning I'd take a look at it and every morning, that number stared right back at me.

Funny when you even set goals for one game and my first official game, I gave myself a small number for no other reason other than I want to have fun. Nothing but good old American football and a couple hits, couple yards and nothing else would matter. I still remember my Dad jokingly said to me, "Get 5 TDs and I will buy you a car, no I will buy you anything."

And to think I was even close enough to hit that mark...

Now, almost 3 years later, I am wondering the what ifs. I am wondering what would have happened that night and how many TDs and yards I would have gained. My mind started to wonder and slowly...what once was my happiness turned into hungry vultures eating slowly away at my heart and soul.

I'm not going to lie, I threw things I broke things to try and release this anger, this sadness and pain. But I am constantly reminded of what happened. Of who I am now and who I will be for a long time. And really, once your mind start to wonder, it's hard to pull it back.

It'd be great if I can do something else for a change...even if it's just for a couple hours...


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