Saturday, May 23, 2009

I never liked summer

Funny when you're young, all you can think about is summer. Because no school means more fun. No school means no homework and the ability to go out and run with your friends and jump in the pool and just have fun. I was just like that before and I don't know what happened but that innocence have been long gone.

I have both brat friends and civilian friends and summer seem like the time I don't know which group of people I belong in. I'm stuck in the middle and at times feel as if both groups are pulling me close to them. Both groups want me to feel welcomed and in a way, loved. But what end up happening is me getting lost, confused, and hurt even more.

There's just two days of school left after the Memorial Day break. Two days and I feel as if school is already left and gone. The friends I've made here are no longer close friends but "just friends" somewhere out there. The people I know on post is no longer the people I say hi to when I walk pass them. They're just "people" now. And like me, I flow in the middle wondering what's going on.

So I realized, I never liked summer. Well I did...but no longer do I cherish the feel of "summer vacation" because when you're a brat, there really isn't "vacation" or "breaks" you're constantly a brat and constantly breathing both the fun and dreadful life of being a brat.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the school year is over. Everyone can use a break from school work every once awhile but really, I'd rather have all those back. I rather be extremely busy with school than nothing to do at all. Like right now, laying out on the couch, watching ESPN and wondering about life.

Which eventually...I thought about Dad. For my civilians friends who are reading this tonight, you don't want to be my friend. In fact, I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to hear about why your parents yelled at you. I don't want to hear about the fight you and your Dad got into. Right now, I'm not your friend. Because in the mist of "what my family is going to do this summer" I can't help but think about Dad and what we're going to do.

Nothing, probably. Just like last summer and the one before that and the one before that.

Funny when someone is here, you hate them and when they are not, you want them to be here. I can still remember the days I "hated" my Dad for smoking me after I did something wrong. I "hated" my dad not allowing me to go to the pool with the guys and so much more. Right now, at this moment, I wish he was smoking me for leaving the lights on, for leaving shit around the house, anything....anything at all.

Right now I'm not proud to be an Army brat.
Right now I'm not fund of the Army.
Right now, I just want my Dad home.

And somewhere in me, there's a little Matt saying.
"When you coming home Daddy."

"When you coming home Daddy."


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