Friday, May 1, 2009

Another side to the brat life

This is the second day I got woke up by Mom after having gone to bed. She had some strange cravings that must be conquered at this early in the morning and well now I can't sleep.

So I got thinking and the more things I thought about the more shit I'm wondering about the other side to this brat life.

As I wrote before, when I was a kid, everything seems so perfect, even with the moving around and Dad gone all the time. In fact, I think that's how all kids are, young, innocent, and don't got a single worry on their mind. But when we reach a certain age we start to wonder and questions start to form. The series of questions are probably and most likely started off with, "Where is Daddy/Mommy going?"

Then we get older, we continue to ask our questions but at the same time, we're making statements. "My Dad is fighting the bad guys, is your Mommy or Daddy doing the same thing too?" or something of the sort. And before we know it, we're in junior high and high school and finally realize some extreme difficult questions we might have to face. Some questions like, "If Dad does not make it back home, what will happen to Mom and me? What do I have to do to keep Mom strong?" and so forth.

And just as the questions start to form, so does our responsibilities. From the time we are born, we are surrounded by the idea of "Army" or any other branches. As a kid we do what we do best, being a kid and do what we want to do when we want to. (as long as it's following the rules of course) And as we get older, we will one day realize the greater responsibilities when one or sometimes both our parents are deployed.

Stuff like laundry, school, chores and other simple tasks will mostly feel like you're building a pyramid on your own. With one or both of your parents gone makes it that much difficult. And while you're seeing your friends loosing their parents, in the back of your mind you are hoping you will never get that phone call or never get that knock on the door. Trust me, that makes chores that much harder.

Lately I haven't had the mind to write anything and trust me that can't be a good thing with AP testing just a week away. I'm taking US History AP test which means the DBQs -Document Based Questions- if you've taken the test you'll know what I mean. When Mom told me that we have to move again during the summer, it felt like my world is coming apart. Part from school, I was hanging the moving processes, studying for the AP test, and on top of it, worry about my social life and what will happen after I move. While most juniors are worrying about college, I am thinking about the rest of my junior year, my friends here and now, college, moving, going through the list of things to do, my senior year and so much more. It was only a matter of time when all this will stack up and bite me where the sun don't shine.

And it did.

Life got caught up with me and without knowing it I didn't have time to think about what I need to do. I went on autopilot and almost end up killing myself. (Long story short, I forgot to use the bathroom at the time I was supposed to and end up blocking the catheter and it turned out to be a mess and that lead me to getting to the ER.)

School, living this life, college, life at home all added up to almost forgetting myself and killing myself. I wonder now if this is healthy. I can't help it, I put people before me. I put my family before me and as soon as I knew about the move, I had to make sure everything will go as smoothly as it can go. And yet, I realize I must take care of myself because without me, my mom, my Dad, this entire system would fail. And I am doing my best now to keep myself healthy and in the same time, get things done.

Going back to what I was saying earlier, I got woke up again for the two night in a row. Why? A couple days ago, I was told by my Mom that she is pregnant and though she would have told me earlier, she wanted to talk to my Dad first. After so long, she finally had the chance to tell me that soon, I will no longer be an only child, I would have to be a big brother for the newborn.

Just like that, I went from a high school junior to being a Dad. I took the liberty of what my Dad would normally be doing and put it on my shoulders. From looking at baby items to full filling Mom's late night cravings. She's eating for two now and me, I am working for four: Dad, Mom, my younger sibling, and of course, me.

Meanwhile some kids are complaining about the worries of applying to colleges. What is wrong with that picture...

I have never thought the idea of being a big brother would be so difficult. As I lay in bed, I couldn't help but wonder what the later years would be like. What would it be like when my younger brother or sister finally ask the ultimate question. "What happened to Matt, why can't he walk? Why can't his fingers move like mine?" What would I would I explain everything.

Just the idea of holding a baby in my arms scares me. What if I drop the baby, what happens when I can't even hold on tight enough and loose grip? Really...I am not ready to be a big brother, not at all.

And at this point, with everything going on, I am not sure if I can do anything right at all.

Welcome to the true brat life more innocent and carefree days.
Welcome to the Army.


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