Cancer Pisses Me Off

I think living this long, a lot of things tend to piss me off. Stupid, ignorant people tend to do the trick. And then I've discovered that things in life do the same too. Things like my injury sometimes just piss the hell out of me. Well...cancer, is one also.

They said God has a plan for all of us. That everyone in God's eyes are equal and no matter how wrong it something is, it's all God's plan. And even at times we don't understand it, it's all God's plan.

Tonight, I hope whatever God has in store, it's a good one.

I remember at one of our family reunions, my Great Uncle would tell us, "Everyday is Christmas if you look at it, because greatest gift of all is to have all these people around you. Then you know it's a good day."

The news of Sean's diagnoses took a lot of us by surprise. And still I wonder why my Uncle and Aunt didn't share it with us earlier. But then I realize, even if we know, there really isn't anything we can do other than being there for 'em. There was nothing they can do either, filling for a late deployment, in ways adds on the hurt.

Earlier tonight, we got a call from the hospital. Mom and I didn't need to hear what they had to say and rush our way out here. The 2 hour drive turned into just a over an hour. We had been told Sean might not make it through the night...

And within both of us, there are panics, worries, and pain. But Mom always seem to know how to try and stay calm. According to her, "Pray, hope, and stay calm is the best anyone can do." (I personally don't know how she got the mind to tell me to do all that, stay away from the room for awhile and do my homework) I'm not going to lie, I'm not doing homework, not worried about school or college applications. I just want to be in there with Sean but Mom's orders. Pray. Hope. Stay Calm. Contact Red Cross. And do my homework.

I'd never thought staying calm could be so hard. All this time, I thought I was the calm one. Boy was I wrong.

While I'm sitting here, I thought about the amount of families that's going through the same worries. And there are so many good people out there, The good people, the compassion and even their dedication. The complete strangers who get together to give a kid his last wish. (And in ways, hearing the words "last wish" tears me apart. A kid, many younger than I am, how can they be having a last wish? That don't make no sense to me...)

I remember one night when Sean and I were hanging out, he asked me what Heaven is like. He asked me if he can get anything he wants at Heaven. He said to me, "I like to go to Heaven" And for that moment, a 5 year old scared me to death. He's five, laying next to me in his hospital bed, asking me about Heaven. And that look on his face, the seriousness...scared me the most.

Mom told me days ago that Sean ain't the same as he was before. The little bundle of joy is starting to be taking over by a monster he can't even see. By a monster that I, a 18 year old, have trouble pronounce. Sean hasn't been eating or talking, he's constantly sleeping, vomiting. And somehow, no one can do anything about it. Geeze...he's fucking 5. He wants to see the sky, the ocean, and real life Transformers.

I just hope he gets to. He haven't even fighting that long. His brain just ain't the same anymore, stupid tumor. He couldn't hold his toys anymore. And earlier tonight, he told me "my legs are tired" (Doc said that slowly, Sean is paralyzed from the neck down) I wish there was something I can do. A book I can read him that will make him feel better, a story, a face, anything. All just to make him better. He told us, "I want Mama and Daddy. Finger phones don't work in Heaven..."

Just makes me want to cry.

Not that long ago, Mom shared with me something that my Uncle wrote:

"Out doing my job in this strange country one day, I couldn't help but felt an unbelievable pain in my chest...one of which felt just like a shrapnel wound. I expected blood, and with my shakey hands on my heart, I expected to feel the red liquid flowing through my fingers. But there were none. As I chow down the MRE, the incredible pain in my heart persisted and slowly I come to the truth: I miss my boy. My boy battling cancer.

The boys asked me what's wrong, if it was the food. And as I stare blankly into the dry sky, I shook my head. No one understands, and in this country, among the boys I trust my life with, I felt alone and lost."

I think we all feel alone and lost. Mom and I are taking shifts with Sean tonight and truly praying and hoping that everything will be alright. I've contacted Red Cross and getting the word out to both my Uncle and Aunt. Just hopefully everything will be alright.

After all, he is my little buddy. And always will be.

Punks. Homecoming. Tennis. Jostens!

Start off this blog with a small rant and then recent happenings.

What kind of people in the world think it's "cool" and "fun" to pick a fight with a kid in a wheelchair?! Well I don't know about you but I think we should give 'em all a name. $*%&#$%&#^%#*$*%$#%^

Right, if you're wondering what happened. It was after school, I stayed behind to back to my Government class and ask about the homework. Was on my way out to the parking long and well, guess 'em punks decided to pick a fight with me. I usually would of course run 'em over or punch 'em anyway I can but not this time. One kid managed to shove my chair from the back, probably hoping I would fall out but I got these seat/lap belts on my chair so I'm basically attached to the chair. Don't need to tell you what happened next, I'm pretty sure the kid was surprise I went with the chair too because took him a second before he started smack talking.

They tossed a couple kicks, punches then got me out of my chair just so they can "pick a fight" with me some more while some kid was zooming around in my chair. (Of which that pisses me off more because really, don't touch my chair) I didn't bother to try and do anything. There was no point in wasting my energy, plus, I'm going to need it to get back in my chair after they leave.

Base case of Mondays?

But before they complete their "task", like our NJROTC Chief was walking by and yelled at 'em. And like a bunch of cats they scrammed like there was no tomorrow. Chief was pretty awesome about everything after the punks ran off. He walked over and asked me if I was okay, asked me how to carry me back in my chair, (huge kudos to him, most people don't really ask and just toss me in the chair like a wet towel) and made sure I was alright before letting me take off. Thanks to him, my afternoon was a lot easier. (Can't imagine having to find my chair, somehow drag myself back to it and back in the chair then drive home, would have been my worse day)

To those who are panicking, don't I'm fine. Nothing huge, cuts and bruises but I'll be fine. Just a bad case of Monday is all I guess. Mom even told me to slap some meat on 'em bruises...sometimes, I wonder how old she really is for telling me to do that stuff.

But what's done it's done, moving on.

This week is Homecoming, strangely as that sound, I am not looking for a date and so far I don't have a date to the dance. I guess there are a lot of reasons behind why that is (one of which is being at a new school when I literally don't know anyone well enough to just ask 'em. Plus, to 'em I am just a strange random senior in a wheelchair, the chances of me getting asked out to the dance before Saturday, slim. But hey still hoping lol :P)

Of course for Homecoming Week we got spirit week and they are:

Monday: Traffic Signal day. Wear Green if you DON'T have a date, yellow if you don't know, or red if you already have a date to the dance. Thoughts on that, a lot of people were wearing green and few yellow/red. In ways it makes me nervous, it ways, well I really don't care. I did ask K if she wants to come to Homecoming with me, though. How silly of me to ask, even when I know she can't...still not sure why I asked, but I did.
Tuesday: PJ Day. Had a rough day Monday so hey good way to "not" get ready for school. I still think that PJ Day increase productivity, staff and administration don't agree with me, got to some how change that.
Wednesday: Mustache Day. I swear...this gives me a huge excuse not to shave the night before and in the morning. I'm not sure if I'm going through a Moses's phase or something but I go a day without shaving and my face just goes puff. Strange...
Thursday: Hippie Day. Not exactly sure what this mean...but I'm most likely not going to dress up. Somehow I have a feeling some kid (probably freshies) will be dumb enough to make a "fake" joint and get in trouble for it. Ha, I'd pay to see that one.
Friday: Hat/School Color Day. Well this should be easy enough. Not that I don't wear my Cowboy hat or some kind of hat on a daily basis but it'll most likely cheer me up with my Wrangler jeans and cowboy hat :)

And well the Homecoming game is this Friday with the dance on Saturday. Really though, some friends and myself decided it'd be even cooler to just party at someone's place. I tend to agree...our football team is 0-5 or 6? Bad record and it'd hurt worse to watch 'em play than just partying with my friends. But guess we'll see, there's still time before we have to buy our tickets so who knows. Mom's got the Girls' Night Out Thing this weekend, I'll just have a party at home lmao :P

Aside from Homecoming week, there's been a lot and I say A LOT of mandatory Senior Class Meeting these days. And somehow, they are all the same message over and over again. Tell us to be smart and doing something stupid will just make 'em lose their chance at graduating. I think we all heard that before, they really should start telling us something new.

Tennis season:
Last Saturday was our last match in the regular season last Saturday. I think we got really good team and we did a lot of good stuff (Swear I contributed nothing to this team, lol :P)

We as a team:

• Took first place at the school's tournament. Champions at all three single spots and #2 doubles. Second place at #3 and #4 doubles
• #3 doubles team finished 8th in the Pueblo South Tournament (features the top 10 teams from both 4A and 5A schools)
• Won against Canon City (they supposedly lost to 'em last year)
• Won against rival school, 5-2

And well regionals will start on Thursday and then it's state. Can't believe our school actually have a good chance to go to state! So we'll see what happens later on in the week.

A side note on school: I think every senior knows what the senior year means. The people at Jostens will be at schools to collect orders fo 'em caps, gowns, graduation announcements, and other stuff we probably don't need to spend but parents think it's "needed" but hey I guess more to it for 'em it is their money. (I am still trying to send out a proposal to my Mom about buying a class ring....we'll see what happens)

As for Sean, he had a rough night last night so Mom decided to take today off so she can stay with Sean for the night and then some. We are still waiting to hear back from Sean's parents so I won't go into details for now. According to Mom, we need loads of good thoughts/prayers for Sean and that's all I'll disclose for now.

Better head to class, long lunch period is over.
Have a good rest of your day.

Feeling the Unknown

I often wish at times we as humans can't feel. So that people in general don't have to feel pain, sadness, worry, and much more. So that people in general don't have to feel the pain of losing someone or even the worries of hearing the worse news of your life.

I probably mention before that when I was younger, I would stare at the casualties list for both Iraq and Afghanistan every day, hoping that, one my Dad or people I know isn't on the list and two, there wouldn't be a single listing on any given day. Mom told me before it's not good to look at the list, that it generate worries more than it needs to.

Early this morning, after watching American Son, I went on to do my daily doings, of one includes reading from my Google Reader. First thing I read was "Eight U.S. Troops Killed in Afghan Battle" and trust me, it ain't a good way to start your day.

I think every military family can tell you that when you read news like this or hear it on the radio, first thing you wish is not to be your husband/wife, your parents, or even your son/daughter. And often times, when the names are released, you let go and give out the biggest sigh. It's not selfishness, I don't think, it's just how humans work. We just don't wish for things to happen to people close to us and truly I don't think this got to do with being selfish or not.

After reading that article, I had this knot in my chest. This strangest feeling in my heart that I can't shake. And all day, I'm thirsty, my lips feel dry like the desert and my throat ache like nothing I've felt before. I went to Sunday Mass today with the hugest pain in my chest and even the Chaplain asked me if I was okay or if there was something I wish to confess.

There wasn't and I really don't know what's going on. But I told him I was okay before heading on home. Mom was still at the hospital with Sean so for lunch, I made myself a sandwich and even got started on homework before the Cowboys and Bronco's game. But now, after the game, and piles of homework, this feeling is getting worse.

So I found myself sitting in my room, with the house phone in my lap and staring at pages and pages of DoD releases and hoping somehow they will release any information, any at all. Mom doesn't know what's going on and let's keep it this way. It's better for me to worry and go through this than her. I wonder about Sean, how he's doing and truly pray that everyone I know is ok.

Why is it that the unknown seem scarier than the known?

And at the same time, I know many families out there right now feeling the same way or even worse. I really hope this feeling pass soon or at least knowing something, anything. Because not knowing but feeling it is in ways, worse than staring at it in the face.

Truly praying for everyone in the military community tonight.

I apologize for making anyone nervous or upset by reading this blog.

"We don't hug, Cousin Matty, we're boys!"

After my match today, I decided to drive up to the hospital so Sean and I can watch the Navy and Air Force game before it ends. We managed to catch the second half of the game and it was loads of fun to hear Sean yell "YAY NAVY" throughout the game (it was a great game, if you didn't see it I suggest you find a re-run of it)

Navy wins! Look like they might be holding onto Commander-in-Chief's Trophy for another year. Wonder when Army will get the trophy again, haha.

There's nothing more I like than hanging out with Sean. When I came in his room today, he jumped off of his bed and literally yelled my name. That smile on his face was amazing. As I was about to give him a hug, he told me, "We don't hug, Cousin Matty, we're boys!" Made me chuckle a bit, another one of those "kids say the darnest things" Though he did sneak in a hug later on while we were watching football, according to him it's ok because "no one's watching" :D

We watched a couple football games before he got sick of it. While watching football today I realized I'm applying to a lot of SEC schools. Coincidence? I'm not sure :P But hey it's kind of cool :D So I asked him if he wants to watch a movie. He looked at me and said yes.

So right now I'm laying in bed with Sean while watching Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. I can tell he's not feeling well and really, looking at him anyone would know he's sick. I would say his head probably is swollen about twice its original size- may be bits exaggerating, but you get the point. Mom said it's from the tumor, and ya, I can tell. His cheeks are swollen (I think from the meds?) and overall, his voice seems sore and tired. As he put is head against my shoulder, I could feel this strange pain in my heart. I ache for him, knowing he's hurting constantly. At the same time, I am still proud of him. Even with the pain, he doesn't complain as much as I think he would, he's still laugh and smiling at silly things and of course, still think hugs are for girls.

They say that strength comes in different sizes. And I think this pint size kid is one of the strongest person I know.

On a side note: I took a look at my September stats for the blog, it's amazing how it fluctuates like that. Imagine it being a company. Wonder how the stock holders of this "company" will think, haha.

Sept Viewing Stats

On another note: I've been watching Professor Shiller's Financial Markets lectures over at Open Yale Courses on my free time. It's basically college Finance lecture class and really, I think it's quite interesting. I'm having a blast watching the lectures and learning from them. (More than I am learning from my Finance class right now!) Call me a nerd but really, learning a lot about the subject, Professor Shiller, and just college lectures in general. Great heads up on college life I guess :D

Anyways, back to the movie. Then it's reading him a bed time story, make sure he's asleep and driving on home. Really wish I can stay but Mom's making me drive home so I can work on my homework and college applications all day tomorrow. She even suggested a homework/college applications party at the house tomorrow. Strangest idea, who would come to that?!

Texas- Bye Week
Florida- Bye Week

Michigan at Michigan State, 26-20 Didn't catch this game but WOW!
Maryland vs Clemson, 24-21
Army vs Tulane, 17-16

Alabama at Kentucky, 38-20

Virginia Military Institute vs Gardner-Webb, 27-23

Washington at Notre Dame, 37-30 (OT)
Stanford vs UCLA, 24-16
Texas Tech vs New Mexico, 48-28
Air Force at Navy, 16-13 (OT)
LSU at Georgia, 20-13

Ohio St at Indiana, 33-14
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt, 23-7

Texas A&M vs Arkansas, 47-19

UMiami vs Oklahoma, 21-20
Cal vs USC, 30-3

Oregon vs Washington State, 52-6

Winning teams are in bold

Though I Wish

It's early Saturday morning right now and well, I'm ready for my tennis match later on in the day so thought I write something. (Plus the fact I can't sleep, maybe after this I can get some Zs...)

So late last night, Mom decided to drive up to the hospital to stay with Sean for the weekend. I told her it's a bad idea to drive so late, she said she can't sleep and Sean can use the company. There was nothing I can do to stop her, I even offered to drive her up there, she said no. Said that since I got a match today, I need to stay home and that she'll be fine.

Moms...

Either or, she made it to the hospital okay. She saw me online and we got talking on Google Talk She asked me about college applications (no surprise), grades, school work, then we got talking about Sean. I asked her what's going to happen next for him. He's been through loads already and though I wish for him to fight on and be healthy again, sometimes, I wish he would just stop. Stop and go to Heaven so he doesn't have to feel pain no more. I don't know what that make me, selfish or stupid or even a horrible person, I don't know. Either way I feel bad just thinking about it.

What would we do without Google?

Mom told me what the doctor said about the last scan. I won't go into details for now, since we still need to reach at least one of his parents. Let's just say that they aren't the news we are hoping for. I guess tumors, in ways, are like dragons, nothing can kill 'em except a brave knight. And right now, no knight is powerful and brave enough to fight off this dragon. (Horrible analogy I know but really I believe Sean's a brave and strong knight, the dragon is just putting up a fight also) Sean's doctors have contacted St. Jude and they have agree that if it's what Sean's parents want. They can start treatment for Sean over in Memphis.

There's a plus side to St. Jude's, they have a great program and they focus sully on childhood cancer. There's a downside to that, it's nowhere near where my aunt/uncle is stationed. In fact, it's not even in the same state.

So Mom did some research and looked for places around where my aunt/uncle are stationed and Duke looks extremely promising. So there's a plus there for Duke, even if their focus isn't on childhood cancers, it's a good hospital.

Well, the ultimate decision is on Sean's parents. Since they're both deployed, we'll just have to see what they think once we can reach 'em. (I've been hearing about deployment extensions...I really hope Sean doesn't have to battle this thing alone for much longer. No matter how much time me or Mom spend with him, we know he wants his parents. After all, it is his Mom and Dad)

Knight v Dragon - Sean v Tumor?

I got to leave for my match in three hours and still having slept. Been thinking about my little buddy, hope he's doing alright. Today's the Air Force and Navy game, I just might rush up to the hospital after my match so I can watch the game with him at the hospital. We'll see.