Wordle

During the first day of class, my English professor introduced the class to Wordle and did an activity along with it.

Wordle will take the words you entered and arrange 'em in some cool way and if you enter 'em (the words) more than once, the word will be bigger. Result is that you get this cool art!

I thought I'd play around with it with the tags I've used from this blog.
And here's the result:

Pretty cool eh? Give it a try and have fun with it!

http://www.wordle.net

Week of September 26th, 2010

I came home from Church and got this email from an anonymous person:

Matt,

I know that this few weeks have not been easy for you. These few years have not been easy for you at all. And with yesterday, I know you'd rather be playing football than watching football. But keep at it, Matt, you'll do amazing things one day. I know you will. I am sure your Mom and Dad are both very proud of you. Keep at it.

I came across this song not long ago and thought of you. I am sure you are familiar with this music video but if not, watch it. I hope it brings you up when you are down in the dumps.

A friend.

To that friend, I'd like to say thank you.
I am doing the best I can to take myself out of this dump.
Thank you.

Went to Church today and the pastor used a quote that made me think:

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Proverb 4:23

Doing my best right now. Here's this week's Weekly Tunes.
Thanks, friend.

Some "Me" Time

Spend most of today and yesterday staring and looking at what once made me whole. Looked at what made me smile with joy and at times, full of anger when we lose a game. As I stared at the middle of the field and looked at the field goals, I could hear the crowd, wild on their feet. I could hear the cheerleaders screaming on the top of their lungs. I could hear my teammates shouting both praise and threats to each other. And in ways, I think those treats go farther than the praise ever did. I stared in the field and for a moment I was happy then an amount of pain flow through my body. It was as if someone wiped all the fans, the cheerleaders, and teammates away. And I was alone again out in that field.

Every so often, it'd hurt.
And at times, it hurts all the time.

It hurts when I wonder what it'd be like to run around the corner.
It hurts when I think about where I would be today if I enlisted in the Army.
It hurts when I see my friends in 'em JROTC/ROTC uniform and PT uniform and wonder what it'd be like to be 'em right now.

I hurt cause I envy 'em.
I hurt cause I wish I can be 'em.
I hurt cause I am jealous of 'em.

But that don't mean I don't wish 'em well.
Good luck and good huntin', Midshipmen Harting

I sat there, stared, and I thought a lot about everything.

Monday's Mom's birthday. I sat in the quiet and I could hear her voice in the bleachers, cheering me on. She was a Southern girl and loved football and never played a doll. I sat there, and I could hear her voice, cheering me on to run that extra yard. I can see her run down the bleachers, too, just to give me a big hug no matter how well or horrible I did. I can feel her kiss me on the cheeks saying, "You did a great job and I am so proud of you."

I sat there and sang her Happy Birthday.

I got home earlier this evening with Mom's favorite cake, a small piece of Tiramisu, and while Sarah sat on my lap, we sang her a Happy Birthday song again. Then I told Sarah about Mom.

I'm just making the best of this week.
And the week after that.
And the week after that.
And for as long as I can.

I love you, Mama.

Making the Best of This Week

I ran into good friend today while sitting in the coffee shop. He saw me and remembered about the accident. After few awkward seconds, he asked me how I was doing. I was sure he knew that it's that time of year again and with a slow reply, I told him, "Just making the best of this week."

And it have prove to be a lot harder than I thought.

Four years ago, my life changed. Four years ago today, I had no clue what was going to happen. All I had was football on my mind.

Six months ago, I lost Mom to cancer. On Monday of next week, it's her birthday. Instead of celebrating a birthday, I am celebrating her life and at the same time, mine.

But trust me, this ain't easy at all. Not $*%^ing easy at all.

A week before, on a Sunday, one of Mom's best friend came to town for a business trip. We were able to meet up several times during the week and a half she was here. Yesterday, we hung out for majority of the day. She treated me to lunch and also dinner. She came to see the house and got to meet Sarah. We talked about a lot of things, from my education to the house and even technology. (She had just bought an iPad and asked me to help her set it up) We talked about Sarah, about Dosh, and of course, about Mom.

She told me a lot of things that I didn't knew and some, I didn't want to know. I think in way she believes talking about Mom will help me heal. But reality, too much information and stories only does more damage than good. But I didn't say anything but listened. I heard about Mom's adventures while she was in school, about how she was always the most studious and at the same time the biggest party animal around. She talked about Mom's love for Dad, for Sarah and for me.

"Your Mama loves you more than life itself, Matt. Remember that."
I remember. That's why I miss her so damn much.

After awhile, she asked me how I was doing. She wanted me to know that Mom would have been proud of any decisions I made. I lied to her and told her I was doing ok. That I have been busy with classes and chores around the house I didn't have time to think. Truth was, everything I did reminded me of my old life. Everything I did made me miss Mom. And every moment made me wish that Mom is here and what I would do to take her place.

I remember years ago, when talking to one of my doctors (who also have SCI) awhile ago, he told me at 3 years of being a SCI, I still am a "kid" and when I am at my 30th year, things will really come into place. I smiled and didn't say a thing. Truth was, I couldn't see myself at 30th year, I could hardly see myself in 10 years.

On the ride home, I told Mom about the conversation. She pulled over the car and told me, "Honey I already am very proud of you. You pulled through in the hospital and now you're pulling through every day. Three years or 30 years, no matter what, I know you'll do well and I will forever be proud of you."

I hope that's still true. Because worse thing in the world is to disappoint Mom.

There's too much emotions going on and I do not know how to control it or deal with it at all. The spasms and neuro pains have been bothering me so much I can't shake the fact that I am a SCI, not even in my dreams. I miss Mom like never before and wish she was here so we can celebrate her birthday on Monday. This is one of those times when everything in the world come crashing down. And I am about to break.

I hope I can hold on, for Sarah's sake.
I hope I can make the best of the rest of this week.

I miss you, Mama. Sarah does too. Please help us go through this week. Your birthday isn't the same without you. Every day isn't the same without you. I love you, Mama.

30,000th Tweet

Tonight, I had the confirmation that I got no life.

How?

I just reached 30,000th tweet tonight.

So I went ahead and took about 50 minutes to tweet something huge. You can read it here. But I know that after awhile, Twitlonger will delete a post so here it is again for good measure:

For my 30,000th tweet, I'd like to stop and thank all my followers for continue to follow me and put up with my crazy amount of tweeting. You guys are some great group of people that I have ever had the fortunate to know.

Shout out to my friends from TS: @BMarieeXO @AnthonyMonroe @kayPHAYCE @AshleighAshler @Keruto_ @DollhouseDolly @You_AreTheMoon @EjMarie @whoadangsam @ibjennileeg @cummins_redneck @BrainDeadUnit @tr0ut @Nerse @KimMcCash @The44thDegree @moonchild91 @Merc_ @brent0n @kerplunknet @DuckyTheSex @KateMarshhh @therealmargaret You guys are truly awesome! :D

Special shout outs to these military folks that was constantly there when I need it the most. Through life's craziness, you guys made it easier. I have no idea how to thank you. Truly, from the deepest part of my heart. Thank you, @avgordsuprgddss @slhoppin @knottienature @wishsong1976 @usmcwife8999 @silvrstar @ASUMIDN @jlsemmel @traumleben @Armywife89 @armygirlnay @MyArmyWifeLife @MyArmyLife @tammymunson @5414Productions @armylovelife @MeganWrites1 @Armywives101 @ArmywifeJulie @DeltaWhiskey1 @whiskey_kitten @ArmyMom101 @Beth_Wilson @mommytaco @barnettashleyk @DAR_Smith @ArmyWifeBethany @sespi @navynest @sara0120 @SDcali4649 @HellcatBetty @Hopeful91 @WifeyofaSailor

Also special shout out to @md_oppenheimer for knowing the craziness of having SCI and constantly giving me pep talks to help me keep going. Thanks dude.

And lastly to @chemo_babe for being so strong. For constantly reminding me Mom's will to fight a horrible disease. And in ways, you remind me a lot of Mom. Your strength and will is simply amazing. Thank you, so much.

Again, thanks to all my followers! 30,000 tweets and still going strong. Also, confirmation of no life completed :P Thanks again guys!

So, 30,000 tweets. I can hear the people telling me I have no life.
I know I don't have a life. I tweet and blog about the laughs, the tears, the troubles, and the joys and milestones in my life. Sue me for wanting to release my pain and for wanting to share my happiness with the world and the people around me. I have "no life" and I am freaking proud of it.

Thanks again guys for reading my blog and my tweets. Can't say enough thank yous. You guys truly rock.

Every memory, pain, suffering, and joy are more than for yourself. We have friends and families to share every single moments with us for a reason. Because they, just like God, loves you very much.
-Mama

Week of September 19th, 2010

Three topics of discussion today

First I'd like to apologize to my readers for my inconsistency reviews and posts on Knuckles Reviews. Life have been rather busy and I have put off several things on my To-Do List in order to ensure that everything runs smoothly in this household. At the same time I am trying to help save money (good thing to do in this economy?) and have started to reassessing things (one of many things include cutting out cable and just have internet. I don't watch much TV anyways and everything I watch is online. Since we have Netflix, it's not the end of the world if we cut cable- but definitely will miss The History Channel and The Military Channel )

That aside, I have recently discovered a site called Shelfari. Shelfari is a site that let you place books you've read, you plan on reading, and you are currently reading on a virtual bookshelf. It let's the user rate and review the book and even let users join groups base off of which genre the reader likes to read or by a reader's age group.

That said, I had decided to remove the book section out of Knuckles Reviews and replace 'em with the virtual bookshelf that you'll see over at the Book Reviews Page over at Knuckles Reviews. (It took me awhile to settle on a new layout and then customize it. But I think that is the layout and design I'm going to settle with for now) If you click on the books there, it'll bring you over to my Shelfari account. I know there aren't that many books on there right now but I am currently trying to remember all the books I've read since junior high school, rate 'em, review 'em, and put 'em on Shelfari. You read me right, all of the books I've read since jr. high. So it might take awhile but hey, it's on my To-Do list, I'll complete it, eventually.

So don't forget that Knuckles Reviews is still there and if you'd like to review anything or want anything reviewed, you can always contact me!

Next order of business is in regards to this blog. I know I have been lacking at my posts and I apologize. I know I posted a blog about A Change but truth be told I haven't been doing real good at changing anything. I am not afraid to say that I failed at trying to change this blog around, maybe I'm just not ready for the next steps of blogging...

Anyways, if you know me, you know that September does not come easy for me. (Especially towards the end of the month) In order to deal with everything, I tend to pack everything into September so I'll have less free time. The more free time I have, the more I think. The more I think, the more I miss my old life. And that ends to lead to a huge depression hole that I am already trying to get out of. The depression hole truly does not need to be deeper or wider. So, the less free time I have during September, the better.

That pretty much explains why I haven't been posting a lot lately. Either that was an explanation or an excuse. Either way, I apologize again and truly hope that I will find the time to write more (hopefully my brain will collaborate and be in a writing mood) There is a lot of things in this blog that is kind of in a stalemate situation so hopefully, hopefully some time soon I can get the wheel spinning. Thanks for so understanding guys and thank you for reading my blog. Also a huge thank you for my followers and people who are still reading my almost 30,000 tweets since I joined Twitter.

Lastly, here's this week's Weekly Tunes, personally picked by my good friend Cody Allen aka Allen (and yes he is on Twitter, tweet at him and say hi!)

I Don't Have To Be Me ('Til Monday) by Steve Azar

Week of September 12th, 2010

I have always hated it when I wake up crying because of a dream. Because most of the time, I have no clue what happened during the dream. I would open my eyes, my heart would be racing and my face would be trenched in tears.

This morning was different. I was in one of those stage where you ain't really asleep nor were you awake. You're not really sure if you're dreaming or not. (Talk about having an Inception moment...) And I think because of that reason, I remembered the dream so well.

I was just in some random room when Mom walked in. And suddenly, the room turned into a Church and Mom took a seat up in the front. I sat right behind her and bow my head and began to pray. That's when I heard Robin Mark's Be Unto Your Name

I opened my eyes to the song blasting in my ears while playing on my Last.fm. I saw Mom's face and remember how she looked like. She looked well, happy and healthy, just like my Mama that I remembered. Immediately I was in tears. I thanked her for visiting me while listened to the song twice more.

That dream completely caught me off guard. I had tears in my eyes for a few more hours as I lay in bed.
I miss her.
Thank you, Mama, for visiting me.

I love you, Mama.

Week of September 5th, 2010

I haven't had much motivation lately to write a blog. Not sure if this just this time of the year or the fact that the good ideas in my brain are long gone. Either way, haven't blog much lately and I apologize to my readers for that. Hopefully I'll find the motivation to write soon.

I found myself in many conflicts, not with people around me but with myself. Again, maybe that's because it's that time of the year or maybe I'm losing my mind. Either way, hopefully I'll be back to my normal blogging schedule soon.

Be sure to check out Weekly Tunes though. Because there's a reason why I put 'em on my blog. This week, check out "我討厭我自己" (I Hate Myself) by 吳建豪. If you understand the lyrics, good for you. If not, well it's a good song, listen to it anyways.

Chorus:
我討厭我自己 總是搞不定你
難道他比我的心對你還要細膩
當我看到你的窗口透著他的身影
開始懷疑我只是代替品

我討厭我自己 總在樓下等你
在我裝不知情你卻緊緊擁在他的懷裡
當我從照後鏡看到你們的情景 我開始學習放棄

我討厭我自己 by 吳建豪