Making the Best of This Week

I ran into good friend today while sitting in the coffee shop. He saw me and remembered about the accident. After few awkward seconds, he asked me how I was doing. I was sure he knew that it's that time of year again and with a slow reply, I told him, "Just making the best of this week."

And it have prove to be a lot harder than I thought.

Four years ago, my life changed. Four years ago today, I had no clue what was going to happen. All I had was football on my mind.

Six months ago, I lost Mom to cancer. On Monday of next week, it's her birthday. Instead of celebrating a birthday, I am celebrating her life and at the same time, mine.

But trust me, this ain't easy at all. Not $*%^ing easy at all.

A week before, on a Sunday, one of Mom's best friend came to town for a business trip. We were able to meet up several times during the week and a half she was here. Yesterday, we hung out for majority of the day. She treated me to lunch and also dinner. She came to see the house and got to meet Sarah. We talked about a lot of things, from my education to the house and even technology. (She had just bought an iPad and asked me to help her set it up) We talked about Sarah, about Dosh, and of course, about Mom.

She told me a lot of things that I didn't knew and some, I didn't want to know. I think in way she believes talking about Mom will help me heal. But reality, too much information and stories only does more damage than good. But I didn't say anything but listened. I heard about Mom's adventures while she was in school, about how she was always the most studious and at the same time the biggest party animal around. She talked about Mom's love for Dad, for Sarah and for me.

"Your Mama loves you more than life itself, Matt. Remember that."
I remember. That's why I miss her so damn much.

After awhile, she asked me how I was doing. She wanted me to know that Mom would have been proud of any decisions I made. I lied to her and told her I was doing ok. That I have been busy with classes and chores around the house I didn't have time to think. Truth was, everything I did reminded me of my old life. Everything I did made me miss Mom. And every moment made me wish that Mom is here and what I would do to take her place.

I remember years ago, when talking to one of my doctors (who also have SCI) awhile ago, he told me at 3 years of being a SCI, I still am a "kid" and when I am at my 30th year, things will really come into place. I smiled and didn't say a thing. Truth was, I couldn't see myself at 30th year, I could hardly see myself in 10 years.

On the ride home, I told Mom about the conversation. She pulled over the car and told me, "Honey I already am very proud of you. You pulled through in the hospital and now you're pulling through every day. Three years or 30 years, no matter what, I know you'll do well and I will forever be proud of you."

I hope that's still true. Because worse thing in the world is to disappoint Mom.

There's too much emotions going on and I do not know how to control it or deal with it at all. The spasms and neuro pains have been bothering me so much I can't shake the fact that I am a SCI, not even in my dreams. I miss Mom like never before and wish she was here so we can celebrate her birthday on Monday. This is one of those times when everything in the world come crashing down. And I am about to break.

I hope I can hold on, for Sarah's sake.
I hope I can make the best of the rest of this week.

I miss you, Mama. Sarah does too. Please help us go through this week. Your birthday isn't the same without you. Every day isn't the same without you. I love you, Mama.

Happy 101 Award

About two days ago, a good friend and one of my follower @mommytaco gave me this blog award. So a huge thank you to her It sure is an honor to be receiving this award

Since this is my first time getting this kind of an award, I guess I'm just going to copy and paste a lot of the things. Sorry for being such a noob!

The Rules:
1. Thank the person you received the award from.
2. Name 10 things that make you happy.
3. Share the love and contact the lucky winners!

10 things that make me happy are:
1. Football
2. Sarah and Dad- We keep each other strong in the most difficult days of our lives.
3. Nicole- Just reading that name makes me smile, hope she's doing well at OSUT
4. Twitter Family- Those who knows just want to say to cheer me up and those who knows what to say to make me cry also. I gained a sister and lost a Mom, but through Twitter I've gained many more Moms and siblings. You guys rule.
5. My chair- where would I be without you?
6. Internet- Without you, there wouldn't be Twitter or Hulu!
7. Army- even though I hate you sometimes, you still make me very happy/proud
8. Dosh- Best pet and service dog ever.
9. School- Yes I know, I'm a nerd.
10. Mom- no matter where you are, you'll always make me happy. You'll always be my Mama and I'll always love you.

10 blogs that make me happy:
The Official Google Blog- where would I (we) be without Google?
Knottie's Niche- My Twitter Mom that always knows what to say.
Empty Nest, PCS, and All the Rest- Another Twitter Mom that treats me as her own son and care about me more than I will probably ever realize.
Nadine- Someone who treats me like her own son and is on my "cooking advisory board."
Ashh- Well...because you're Ashh
Kert- Because often times, we share the same thoughts.
Lizz- The Azn sister I never have, you rule, Lizz.
Carlos- My brother in arms
Sara- Because Rigel and her are both awesome.
Erica- HellcatBetty- Because her words crack me up. She's part of the "Late-night" club and so much more.

Thanks again @mommytaco for giving me this award.

Top 10 Things that Annoy People in Wheelchairs

So The Christopher Reeve Foundation have a survey called Top 10 Things that Annoy People in Wheelchairs. I thought I should share because if you're not in a chair, you can learn what NOT to do when you see people in chairs. And well, if you're in a chair, then share your thoughts and even laugh about it if you think it's funny. You can find the survey here

Now personally, some of 'em do annoy me and at times, piss me more than usual. But some of 'em are actually pretty funny because of either how they worded 'em on the survey or how I handled the situation when it happened to me.

So, here's my take on this survey and kind of clear things up a bit for each of these 10 things. Hopefully it can make things clear for some of you not in chairs so you won't make stupid mistake that you'll get laugh at later on. (Trust me, we laugh at you all the time and call you "normal" people names too! Ha.)

Patting me on my head. Don't. (I do my hair every morning.)
This is one of the biggest pet peeves of mine. If you know me, I have a motto:

"Don't touch the hat.
Don't mess with the chair
and most definitely
NO PETTING"

And I mean it when I say that. I don't care how "cute" I look and how "sorry" you feel for me, don't pet me. (Or in a nicer way of saying it "patting") I'M NOT YOUR PET! SO DON'T PET ME! High fives, hugs, and hand shakes are cool. Petting/Patting, aren't. Got it? Good.

Speaking slowly to me because I'm in a wheelchair.
Sometimes this annoys me, other times, I just ignore it or speak slower than the person. By the time I start speaking slower than they are, they get the point. Like my good friend Tristan said, "Matt is a Cripplegic...That means he is legs retarded." And he's right, my legs are retarded, not my head. So seriously, don't speak slowly to me just because you see the chair. We'll probably and most likely run you over. And it WILL hurt.

Being asked, "So if I shot you in the leg, you wouldn't feel it?"
A freshman I didn't know ask me that one day. I asked in return, "If I shot you in the *$&%, you would feel it?" and he pretty much get the point.

Not inviting me to an event because you are protecting me from some frustration. (Let me figure it out.)
Ya this sometimes and a lot of times pisses me off. Don't think you're "protecting" me. It's not "protecting" at all when you avoid on inviting me cuz of my chair. I'm sure you would still invite someone if they had crutches or legs. Same thing. So really, if you want to invite me but worry about accessibility, tell me. I've use this chair long enough to know what I need to do or work around the situation if I need to. So yes, call me and invite me to parties. Don't just leave me hanging because of my chair. Or else, yes, I'd run you over for being stupid too.

Able-bodied people parking in handicapped spaces. (So what if you have the tag!)
I am kind of have with this one. Now I don't really mind the old grandma and grandpa's that need to park close to the store and that's why they have the tag/placards. That I'm okay with. I mean, I'm fair, right? So grandmas and grandpas, don't worry, if you're in my blue spot, I'll be glad to park in the back of the parking lot for you. But, if you're not a senior and you're just in that spot cuz either 1. You think you're only in there for "a minute" or 2. you're fat, then get the hell out of my spot.

Like this Mark Zupan commerial, "Just a minute is a minute too long."

And don't get me started on fat people in the blue spot. If you're fat then park far away and get some exercise. Don't park in the blue spot cuz you "need" it. And definitely don't go off and yell at me when I took "your" spot. Seriously...do America a favor and pack in the back. (Ok that'll be end of my fat people rant)

Holding onto the back of my chair so I can't move.
I don't really mind that people hold onto the back of my chair as much as I hate people cutting in front of me thinking that they can go "faster" than I can then just stop on a dime. Please people, be smart. Please know that I can't stop on a dime and if you stop on a dime in front of me, I WILL run into you and your ankles. So when I do, don't glare at me like it's my fault. Think, people, think. Don't stop on a dime in front of me and assume it's my fault.

Talking over my head as if I'm not here.
Sometimes that annoys me. But again, I just do the same back to the person doing this and they usually get the point. And if I'm having a bag week, I would most likely yell/rant at the person who is doing this. This tends to wake 'em right up and not do stupid things like this.

Accessible bathroom stalls being used by an able-bodied person.
Again, sometimes it annoys me and sometimes it doesn't. I mean I understand if the bathroom is full or something like that but if it's not, please, people don't make it a habit of using the accessible bathroom. But again, I am fair. I'm not going to yell at you if you take the accessible bathroom.

Congratulating me for things like going to the grocery store like it's worthy of an Olympic medal.
I found this one funny cuz it actually happened to me. I said thank you and asked for my price money. Yes, Olympic medal winners do get paid. So...my question is, where's my money?

Strangers asking what happened to me.
I actually don't mind people asking me what happened. I would rather have strangers asking me what happened than asking someone else near me. Many of the people who do ask me what happened are kids and I mean kids in 1st or 2nd grade. I just don't like it when their parents tell 'em to hush and said that asking is a rude thing. Please, really, asking is not a rude thing and it is actually quite good. Curiosity is a great thing in us humans and there is nothing wrong with feeding the curiosity. So if you're a parent and your kid points at a person in a chair and ask questions, please don't pull 'em away and tell 'em "don't point, it's rude" or "don't ask too many questions, it's rude" It actually annoys me more when parents say that. Let the kid ask, really, it's fine.

Continuing to insist on helping me after I've said no thanks.
I'm sure this is the same with everyone. If you don't need help, you don't need help. Whether you're in a chair or not don't really make a difference.

Being asked if you want a shopping cart for your grocery bags. (How can I wheel my chair and push a shopping cart?)
I think this is funny too. Some times people just don't know what to say and they make a fool out of 'emselves. And well, this is one of those situations. So laugh it off and say "no thanks" nicely. But truly, laugh about it, ha!

A restaurant hostess asking if I want a booth.
Personally I actually like it when the hostess ask me if I want a booth. Sometimes, I feel ambitious and want to sit in a booth instead of in my chair. Really it'll happen when I don't feel like sitting in my chair. So I actually don't mind it if hostess ask me if I like a booth. It just gives me more options that fits my mood of the day.

So there's that guys. Please don't make stupid mistakes like that, ever!

Rehab is like Boot Camp

Again, I am stuck here...because to the doctors, 99 is a temp and well, at least for me thinking it ain't he disagree with me leaving, I'm about to storm out of here just to flip 'em off or something...

The weather is getting nice out, slowly I can see the winter slowly rowing in out here and for once, I don't mind waiting in line at the Commissary or the OX, hey even the ATM on pay day. Just want out of here. Staying in the hospital for this long (I think around 12 days?) it reminded me of 3 years ago. The hours is bed wondering if I'll live or not. The days of wondering what happened to me, why couldn't I move my arms, legs, and more. The diagnoses still scares me. The words that came out of the doctor's mouth still haunts me daily. Strange how things in the past can still mess with you daily.

I still remember when the doctor's told me how lucky I am to be alive, how good rehab is these days. I didn't believe 'em one bit. Some I still don't but, oh well I guess.

Anyways, staying here for this long reminds me of that hospital stay and now, for some strange reason, it's making me think of rehab. Rehab in ways are just like boot camp. You get a place to sleep, food and well, the rest is just shit. If you get a good OT and PT, they'll challenge you but if you don't they'll make you feel like dirt. And come to think of it, you'd be feeling like shit anyways. Overall, everyone's first week feels like dirt. You are so dependent on everyone, it's as if you're a baby. You can't get out of bed on your own, you can't eat, drink, or even piss on your own. You'll feel degraded as if you're literally nothing. That's exactly what rehab is like. Then as time moves on you'll find ways to do things that don't make sense. You get pissed at yourself when you can't get up from bed, when you can't hold a fork or get dressed.

Rehab is like hell and just like boot camp. I don't like it one bit when I was there and now, with this hind sight, I still don't like it but I'm glad of what I learned (or re-learned?) during that time. But really though, staying here in the hospital for so long reminds me of my past. Reminds of me the days I spend in ICU, in rehab and the transition back into the real world.

And truth be told, it scares me. Nightmares wake me up and keep me awake. The thought of nightmares make me want to stay up for days or at least long enough so I pass out. So maybe, just maybe I wouldn't have nightmares.

After reading my last blog, a friend told that I ain't FUBAR. Again, thank you but I am. I know I am. So many things in life that happened that I don't wish to share, yet. Those things define who I am, who I've become , and most likely who I'll be in the future. I'm a person with many secrets and I am in no way transparent to others. That's just how I am.

And after staring at my chair for the entire night, I'm angry at her, pissed off and so much more.
Like I said before, it's a love&hate relationship between my chair and I. Right now, it's all hate.

Sorry girl, I hate you right now. I wish I never met you.

First "Official" Week of School

Today in school, they had all the seniors meet up for a presentation. The presentation was what you'd expect, telling all of us the year ahead, what to look for, and of course "be smart and make good decisions" They are really cracking down on the seniors who choose to challenge the rules and "have fun". So hopefully this year I won't make silly decisions and compromise my diploma :P

Thank you to all those who continues to ask about Sean and how he's doing. He is doing well and while the treatment is still going on, he's still got his smiles, laughs and random quotes from "Cars" and other Disney movie. Scans were done after the surgery and looks like he's in the clear! Just hope with this treatment, he will be in remission soon.

Quote from doctor's notes:

"OPINION: STABLE POSTOPERATIVE CHANGES WITHOUT EVIDENCE OF TUMOR RECURRENCE."

Awesome!

On the business of school, everything is going well. I'm still trying to get used to a new school setting and hoping that my schedule is finally fixed. Never had this much trouble before but hey, guess there's a first for everything! As the first "official" week of school, I guess everything is going well. (Or say...as well as it's expected?) Just the same with a new school I guess, people staring at me while going to class (their first time seeing a wheelchair or something? Was it my hair? Hmm...), people staring at me while in class and so on. Nothing I'm not used to for years now, just happens I guess.

What you looking at?!?

I've also come to believe that I may be the only Army brat in the entire school. In AP Literature class, we talked about how the books relates to our personal life. As I was relating it to my life, I can tell that my classmates are thinking "holy cow...what a life..." or something like that. Even at my first tennis match, as parents were pouring in to see their kids play, bits of me turned into that little boy wishing for my Dad to show up and watch me play. It was my first match, my first take at tennis. Then I realized, I've been through this. This wouldn't be the first match of any sport that he missed. So, oh well. (I kind of laughed to myself when I also realize that Dad was watching me play football the day I got hurt. Karma? Haha.)

Now tennis, I must say when I wheeled on that court, people on the other team looked at me like "what's that spectator doing on the court?" and when I got into my tennis chair, they all looked at me like I was nuts while probably thinking how weird the chair looks. Even as I was warming up, eyes were practically glued to me. I bet none of them realize that we cripples can play sports. And I bet none of them realize they just might get to play a cripple and get beat by one too.

Coach pulled me aside and asked if I was ok. "Ya I'm good" was my answer and I wasn't lying either. I guess in a way, I'm used to the people and what I called "curiosity of the eyes". You should see the guy's face when I rolled up to the court. There was a lot of confusing eyes going on and with questions and what not (good thing Coach and I read up on our USTA wheelchair tennis rules) but I'm glad coach handled it so well and the other coach was so chill about it. Guess people just need to get used to the idea that standing tennis and wheelchair tennis belong in the same Federation and rules are all the same. (Look at the USTA/ITF wheelchair rules reference for more details)

Now the game itself went pretty well. I lost the first set to my opponent. Guest I just needed a "warm up game" if you will because over all, I won the match. (I'll get the scoring one of these days. Right now I just play and listen to my fellow teammates/coach, ha!) First game, I won, so hey I guess I'm not THAT bad. (Or maybe the dude was REALLY bad. lol. Note: my goal for today's match wasn't to win, but to hit my opponent with the ball. I know it was one in a long shot, but it would have been funny. Too bad it never happened, haha :P) We'll see if I settle on playing singles or doubles for the rest of the year. There sure are loads of room for improvements though! (You should hear my coach yelling at me telling me to push my chair faster, it was hilarious.)

At home, things are basically the same with Dad gone. Mom's still planning the nursery while I help out around as much as I can. (Trying not to burn down the kitchen!) Mom managed to asked some co-workers to come over to the house this weekend so we can get started on the painting process. So hopefully by next week the paint job would be done! (Next we'll start buying more stuff/putting things on the wish list to make it look like an actual nursery! And yes, Mom's still serious about the wheelchair accessible crib.)

Mom's Dream Nursery

Well I better get started on all this homework. Thanks again everyone for checking in on Sean and the good luck wishes on my tennis match :D

On a side note: I got yet another postcard today. From my "best friend", the Army! Boy they really wants me to join, haha! Guess I'll be calling up a recruiter soon! Haha :P

Another note: I found out today that my school's football team is looking for more players. Now I'm wondering...WHERE DO I SIGN UP COACH? Ha

Independently Dependent

Though this was at first a funny event and all my friends and I shared a good laugh over it on Skype. The entire situation made me thought about my life, my current and future life.

When I got hurt, a lot of people said I would never be independent again. PT (Physical Therapist) and OT (Occupational Therapist) can only teach you and show you so much. PT and OT can show you the ropes and with practice you can even "master" little things that will make your life a whole lot easier. But there is always a line, an extremely thin line that separates being independent and relying on others to help.

Yesterday afternoon, after being sick of sitting in my wheelchair, I decided to take a break and just lay down on the ground. Like I have said before, if you haven't lay on the ground for so long, the floor in your bedroom can make you feel like you're laying on clouds. So I transferred out of my chair and lay there on the ground for a couple minutes. Well guess I must have passed out because when I open my eyes again, it was hours later.

If you didn't know before, an uncle of mine (one that my parents didn't bother telling me about) showed up early Saturday morning and left a note for Mom. Yesterday night we were supposed to go out and have dinner with him. That was the plan anyways and well, I overslept. I guess Mom just got tired of waiting and telling me to wake up, so she left, without me.

By the time I got up and was about to get in my chair. I realized that my chair wasn't at the place where I left it. In fact, it wasn't even in my room at all. Still half asleep I texted Mom and asked her. She told me she "hid it" and I "will get it back" when she comes home. Crap. That means I am stuck in my bedroom with no way of getting off of the ground. Trust me, if you think getting from the floor to bed is that easy, it ain't. (Probably because I have never transfer from the ground to my bed before and trust me, there's a huge height difference) So after several attempts at actually getting in bed. I said forget it. I was getting exhausted just trying to climb back in bed. So laying and sitting on the ground, I watched and shifted my weight every so often so I wouldn't end up with nasty pressure sores.

I was feeling lonely, yes my dog was here but sitting on the floor and not being able to get in bed or do anything was starting to get to me. I felt like a prisoner in my own room. I felt like as if I was going to die there, the feeling of wanting to do something but can't because of a physical limitation it can really get to you and fast.

I told my friends, they laughed and when I added "I rather be grounded than this again." and one friend replied, "You are grounded...literally." The group of us had a good laugh about it. Ya I laughed with them but there was more hiding behind the laugh. Now, roughly 12 hours later Mom's still not back (and I would careless why) I was getting frustrated, maybe Mom was doing this to mess with me. Maybe she just want me to be truly piss off and think about the meaning of something. Anything!

But now, writing this blog, I'm not pissed anymore. I'm more glad than pissed for some reason. I thought about a lot sitting here on the ground. I thought about the true definition of "independent". I've always been an independent person, I wanted to try to learn to ride the bike myself. I wanted to hit the t-ball myself. Everything was "LET ME TRY FIRST" and never "can you show me?" After I got hurt, that fear of not being independent swallowed me whole. It wasn't until mid way through rehab I realized "hey it ain't that bad, I can still be independent, do things myself." and boy I was really happy about it. I can still remember pushing myself in the house that day I came home. I still remember trying to transfer into bed on my own without supervision. I just wanted to be independent because that is who I am and that's who I want to be.

And now I realize, though as much as I want to live independently on my own. After getting hurt "independent" just isn't possible anymore. The true independent was gone the day I broke my neck. I will never be able to live independently, but rather, live independently dependent. There will be times just like this that I will HAVE to ask for help. There will be curbs that I can't just "hop" on over. There will be times I will need help. And if you really know me...I HATE asking for help.

And with that, I hope that one day in the future I can find my other half. The person who not only will love me for who I am, for my stubbornness and the one who will challenge me more than I wish for. And when it comes the time, help me be independently dependent. Help me feel like as if I never got hurt and make me feel alive.

I sure hope that will happen for me.

There was also a few extra things I realized:

1. How grateful I am to be living in a country where wheelchairs are available for those in need. I cannot imagine living in a country when after such injury like SCI, you're pretty much done with life.
2. How grateful I am to have my parents who constantly challenge me to do more even though they know I already am pushing myself to the limit.
3. How the best friends in the world aren't often the ones to give you a hug and tell you it's going to be ok. The best friends are usually the ones that can laugh AT you and WITH you at the same time.
4. I am a quadriplegic, I am a survivor of Spinal Cord Injury, and I am a survivor of my worse enemy: myself. And though at times I lose the battle with this enemy, there's always ways to beat myself at my own game.
5. No matter how pissed I am at Mom hiding my chair, I'm glad she did it. Without her doing this, I probably wouldn't have thought about all this.

So Mom, thank you, really. And I'm not pissed anymore, just give me my chair back.

Well ok maybe just a bit edgy.
I love you Mom.

Dad if you can somehow read this, you should know that Mom said "If your Dad was home, he'd take your chair apart and hide them all throughout the house! So you should be grateful I'm so nice to you." It made us chuckle because we both know that's what you'd do.
Come home soon Dad.

Polite. Not Apologetic.

Sometimes, I wonder why I wasn't born years earlier, sometimes, I wonder why people around my age don't act the same way I do. I wonder if it's them or is it be that is causing the issues around the place and the people I hang around with.

I talked to this person just minutes ago and days ago, we were friends and somehow, I realize that soon she will become my worse enemy and soon, she can be a real asshole to me for what I've said. I might sound harsh here, and I didn't want to but this isn't the first time it happened. In fact, this is the third incident and truly, I am sick of it.

[01:12] TC: Wheels.
[01:12] Matt: yes ma'am
[01:13] TC: Come go to sleep with me. Lol.
[01:13] Matt: sure
[01:17] TC: Matt you're awesome
[01:17] Matt: thank you
[01:19] TC: Come lay with me
[01:19] Matt: doing math, sorry
[01:21] TC: Aww
[01:22] TC: You plus me minus some clothes divide the legs and pray to god we don't multiply
[01:23] TC: Lol.
[01:23] Matt: tc...are you drukn
[01:23] Matt: drunk
[01:24] TC: No just thought it was funny.
[01:24] Matt: i didn't found it funny
[01:24] TC: I'm sorry love
[01:26] TC: Are you ok?
[01:26] Matt: fine
[01:29] TC: I'm close to drunk, vulnerable.
[01:30] Matt: ain't nothing i can help with
[01:32] TC: Come here. Lol.
[01:32] Matt: negative
[01:34] TC: Damn
[01:34] Matt: and you tc, need to back off
[01:36] TC: I'm sorry i didn't know i couldn't joke sexually with you.
[01:37] TC: But whatever.
[01:37] Matt: not when i'm 1. trying to focus on math and 2. already said no. this isn't the first im i got from you
[01:37] TC: Whatever bye.

A short 20 minute and my mind is confused as ever. So I IMed the one adult I know that's online (since my parents are both asleep right now) and asked her. She told me, "You didn't do anything wrong. Especially if that wasn't the first time this has happened with that person. You were a bit harsh, but it seems like that what they needed in order to get the idea." I didn't want to be harsh but it's the 3rd time and I was beginning to be sick of telling her nicely. "And it seemed like it wasn't a hey I really like you kind of thing, it was more of a hey I think I can use you to fill a void kind of thing...You're perfectly in the right."

Yet somehow I have a feeling it's going to come back and bite me where the sun don't shine. Somehow, this person is going to find a way to judge me, to say shit about me, and more. My mentor said, "It may. She'll probably remember it and be mad. And she may be bitchy about it and try to get you back or embarrass you. Girls that age can be real assholes... I should know I was one. But the important thing is that you had already said it nicely several times, she didn't get it, and you stood your ground. I don't wanna sound all mom-like, but I'm proud of you. Most young men would follow their penis right out the door."

I don't do shit like that because that ain't what my parents taught me and that ain't me. And things changed after my injury, somehow, I feel as if breaking my neck made me grow up faster than anyone else I know. A lot of things changed and me, I've changed, a lot.

Soon my friend/mentor and I got into a short discussion about how to be polite and not apologetic. I think that is one of the many things in life that can stand on a so fine and thin line. I'm not going to lie, I don't know the difference and don't even know how to handle polite and not apologetic. Maybe soon I will. Maybe soon I'll be like my mentor and know the difference.

And yet...can't help but think to myself if this is what I've become. At least...if this is what others see me now. They see the chair and somehow, think of me as "easy" and "push over" as someone to make jokes with and the rest is history.

Sure don't make me feel like a person at all.
In fact...I feel like dirt as my heart aches with pain.

A What? A Chair. A Tennis Chair!

Back in the first few weeks of July, I had the great chance to try out wheelchair tennis. I was edgey about it at first but good thing I tried! (If you missed that post, read about it here)

With the summer coming to an end and school starting soon, I'm always looking for ways to get myself not only more focused on school but also more evolved with extra-curricular activities. If you know me, you'll know I'm big on sports and love playing sports even before my accident. So best way, duh, play sports!

So after thinking about it for awhile I've decided that I am going to try out for the school tennis team this year :D And tennis wouldn't be complete without a tennis chair. As mentioned in my old post, I emailed Mr. David Wagner and even got an answer on tips and which chair would be best. After some research I set tire out on a journey to convince my parents to help me pay for the new chair ("set foot out on" and "set tire out on"...get it? get it? lol :P)

After a long discussion, we came to an agreement that if I pay for 75% of the cost AND sell my old chair, they will help me pay 25% of the chair. And seeing how nice my parents are, they even help paid the extra 50 cents!

Quickie Matchpoint, new tennis chair!

So amongst all this chaos going on with Sean, the craziness of trying to finish up summer work, there is still happiness and excitement. Can't wait till this baby is delivered so I can start working on my tennis skills :)

Next on the list, sell my old chair!

A Run to Anywhere

This is going to be a quick one because I'm supposed to be unpacking my stuff from these boxes but I need to write. Dr. King's "I Have a Dream" speech changed the world. And I can say, truly for all the people with disability we all have a dream. But this dream, isn't one. It's a wish. Difference between dream and a wish? Most of the time, wishes don't come true.

I wish that one day, people notice me NOT for my wheelchair.
I wish that one day, people would be THANKFUL for EVERYTHING.
I wish that one day, people would think before they speak.
I wish that one day, there would be no need of speaking of "accessibility" because EVERYWHERE is accessible.

Now, a lot of people write for a purpose, whether they like it or not. It might be an essay for school and they drag on to finish it. It might be a letter for a love one thousands of miles away. But we all write for a purpose. Me....I write to cry. I've come to the realization that my words replace the tears. Funny in ways that society believe "men shouldn't cry" and truly, I am no fan of crying. It shows weakness and more.

So instead....my words replace my tears. And that, just may be why I write.

As I am was unpacking, I found my old football stuff. Some trophies, my helmet, and the pigskin from that night's game. I had the sudden urge to run out of the house and truly run. Run like I used to on the football field and run like Forest Gump. Just. Run. And it won't matter where.

Then it hit me.
I can't.

Fuck.

You know what would be nice? A run.
A nice run to the PX.
A nice run to the Commissary.
A run to anywhere.

Tennis!!!

Got to blog about tennis because really, I had a blast :D (Plus the Thai food I brought for dinner is still too hot lol)

Before I got hurt, I laughed at the sight of the tennis player. To me, somehow, it was one of those luxury sports like golf. The site of people wearing those short shorts playing tennis, cracks me up. So needless to say I never had the thought of playing tennis myself.

After I got hurt, looking at other people playing tennis, I still laugh. Really, who doesn't laugh at the short shorts. I've seen wheelchair tennis before I got hurt and always somehow thought you just have full hand function to play it. Needless to say I was wrong. There's a division just for quadriplegic players! (Of course still under the ITF and USTA- US Tennis Association) Boy did I get excited.

So I did research, I read about tennis and wheelchair tennis in general just to find that they belong under the same league! Standing tennis and wheelchair tennis are both under the International Tennis Foundation. (And only difference is the two bounces rule. Though many professionals only need one bounce!) Meaning that anything from US Open to French Open to Wimbledon have the same qualifications for both stand up and wheelchair players. (Of course same goes with USTA and more) Really, how many organizations out there have the "integrated" league?

By the time I finish reading ITF's wheelchair tennis section and finish watching some videos like this one on YouTube, I was in love. I had to try this out myself.

So I did. Considering I'm chilling with Sean for now, I found an open tennis every Monday just a 30 some minute drive away. Really, I'd drive hours just to try it out. So, I contacted the person in charge and he said if I bring in myself and some tennis balls on Mondays, he's be glad to introduce me to tennis.

And before I knew it, I was on the court. I was sitting in my own chair looking at other players play. Moments later I transferred into a tennis chair and strapped myself in one of these baby:

Ain't she something?

I have to say, the feeling was just amazing. To warm up I went around the court twice and boy the speed and movement of the chair was just amazing! Now since I'm a quadriplegic and have no grip in my hands. The volunteers there helped me taped my hand to the racket (similar to how Mr. David Wagner- US Paralympian- taped his hands to the racket) and I was on my way to become a tennis star!

Mr. David Wagner

Ok maybe not, since I'm new to all this, I just rallied back and forth to get the feel of the chair and the game. I even manage to try out a match (don't ask about the score, I just knew I lost, bad. HAHA!)

Overall, it was an awesome experience. Getting the wind in your face and hitting the tennis ball (like hitting a home-run LMAO!) was just awesome. I can most definitely do this more often.

So people out there with SCI or other forms of "disability" don't be afraid to try out different sports or activities to find your favorite. You won't regret it!

Next sport: Wheelchair Rugby and Sledge Hockey! HOOAH!

I'm in a chair but I'm not dumb.

I got to rant because if I don't, I'll probably end up breaking down in front of Sean or worse, hurt someone.

After a big injury like Spinal Cord Injury, there will be a lot of changes in your life. From the paralysis to the medical situations, things change. From going to the bathroom to say getting in your car, things change. But hey we made due and we all do what we can to do things just a bit differently.

I'm never a fan of hiding, I like transparency as much as I can and especially online, I try not to hide who I am, my wheelchair, my life, my world. It's not something I'm ashamed of so in turn I try not to hide it. I try to let those who have questions ask, who wonder about my life ask anything they want and really, anything. And though people still say "I didn't want to offend you" or "I'm sorry" I'd tell them that I would get offended if they don't ask and there's nothing to be sorry of because they didn't cause the injury and plus, I'm proud of my "second life".

Society have a funny way of showing what's the majority and when you don't stand under the majority grid, they'll judge you, speak of you, stare, or worse, ignore you. I'm sure the thousands of people who have SCI know how I feel. The staring from people when you first get out of rehab hospital and back into your own life. The way people just look, may not be curiosity but most of the time, questioning. They look at you like they're playing bad cop with you, interrogating you with their eyes and make you feel so vulnerable and weak.

Then there's the people that ignore you when you're with a group of people. Say you go out to grab a bite to eat with your friends and there always is a waiter that tends to ignore you when they take your order. I'm not sure what they're afraid of but most of the time, they ask the people/friends you're with what YOU want to order. They ask like you can't order for yourself simply because they see the chair. Really...that pisses me off the most. Yes I'm in a wheelchair and I may be shorter than most people but I'm not dumb, I'm not deaf or blind, I can see what you're doing. I can see you ignoring me and asking my parents what I want to order. Now how does that make sense.

Maybe that's why I get online so often. People ask me why do you spend so much time chatting online. Because really, it's a place I don't have to deal with people staring at me, ignoring me, or look right through me like I don't even exist.

But there always tend to have a person online that ignores you, it probably isn't for the same reason but really, sure make me feel like I don't exist. It brings back the horrible memories of the people that have ignored me, see through me like I'm nothing, like I'm not even there.

That scares me, to think that I'd be gone and people wouldn't even care or know.

People out there with SCI or other "disabilities" what do you think? I'd love to hear about how you deal with this. Or rant if you wish, we all need it.

Cuz there's just ignorant people out there.

Damn time goes by fast...WHERE'S THE PAUSE BUTTON

Right...so...after writing the amount of Knuckles Tips I think I'm finally settled down enough to actually write something in my blog. (If you don't know what I'm talking about then check here for Knuckles Tips. It's going to be a collection of tips that I've gathered either through life or from people. Who knows, maybe these tips might come in handy to someone someday.

Recent activities...where do I start.

Aside from the allergies and fever last night, everything is fine. We got X weeks till we move to Ft. X and with Dad back (hell yes!) things are a lot easier on Mom, which I am extremely glad. Well...considering she got this baby in her belly and then the moving part, ya, harsh on her.

Rewind back to what happened recently. I think I told you that Sean wasn't feeling well before and we had to send him to the hospital. So after school got out, my day is pretty much around this hospital and this X city. Nothing to complain about, as long as Sean is feeling somewhat ok, I'm good. Though he's too sick to leave the hospital, I think we came up with a plan for when we get to Ft. X so he can still feel like home even though he's staying in the hospital room all day long.

And Dad...well as mysterious as he left the house how many months ago, he just mysteriously came back. I woke up from a nap one day and saw this random dude with a beard looking right down at me. And he was the one telling me to shave...guess he got an excuse and I don't. Great to have Dad back though, this PCS and Mom's prego thing can go a lot smoother when there's actually a man that knows what he's doing.

Sean's doing ok, still a tough dude with crazy ambitions. Chemo and radiation have done a ton on his weight and looks but hey, his mind is still nuts like a 5 year old and even though he's sick most of the time. He still got his ways to lighten the situation up for all of us. I think that's the greatest thing about curiosity and innocence.

Aside from all this...when I was told we were moving awhile back, there were a lot on my mind and really, Airborne, my horse was one of the major ones. Airborne was a great horse before I got hurt and even after, he's still amazing. He's good with the chair and actually enjoy me riding him and taking walks. Even though I did what I can to convince my parents it'd be a good idea to take him to Ft. X with us...it never was ok. My parents were right, "If you want to play rugby, school, and help out with Sean and not to mention the house work. You won't have time to ride Airborne. He'll miss you like crazy and hurt him, which I'm sure you don't want."

Sure going to miss this bad boy

Funny...parents know what to say for you to completely drop the subject. So, after talking to my grandparents, Airborne will be going to their ranch which he will have room to go crazy if he wants to. (He already did by the way, left yesterday with my grandparent) Which is good in a way, wouldn't want him to be shut inside all the time. I sure am going to miss him though.

Coming back to current times...life's good, packing is crazy with so few weeks to go before the big move. And while my Dad can be strict sometimes, other times he's just nuts. He got back home, we talked, and out of nowhere, he told me he'll get me a new chair. Which, at this time, I am extremely excited about. The chair should be here today, so, I am extremely happy. I'll have pictures later but this is the chair picture on the webiste:

TiLite TR Rigid Chair. Titanium, it's bad ass.

One news that got nothing to do with me but got something to do with my parents. (Sort of got nothing to do with me...sort off...) My mom got her ultrasound today and looks like I'm going to have a sister pretty soon. (But not soon enough?) I'm kind of excited but like I said before...still nervous how all this will turn out. My Mom's already going nuts looking at names and planning the new house with the nursery and so on. It might be me but I think it's the hormones that's making her crazy, sad, and happy all at the same time. Not to mention the cravings she still got....

"She looks like a Sarah..." How original Dad...

Thank God Dad's home...he can deal with the food cravings drive while I chill out here with Sean.