Our First Thanksgiving

You can say that today was our first Thanksgiving. Sarah's "first" Thanksgiving and walking around my Grandparents' place like there's no tomorrow. And of course, our first Thanksgiving without Mom. Or rather, with Angel Mama.

Wednesday early morning, we started the drive to my Grandparents. The drive was nothing too crazy, just a long drive and we only stopped once. Dad and I got some Whataburger before heading back on the road again.

We got to Grandparents' place late Wednesday afternoon. Before we went out to dinner, Dad, Sarah, and I went out and visited Mom. We brought her flowers, gave her some cards, left her a Whataburger napkin (because we both know how much Mom loves Whataburger) and talked. We told her how much we all miss her and told her how we are doing. Sarah sat near her grave maker as if sitting on Mom's lap. We talked, we smiled, and cried.

Grandma brought a lot of food this Thanksgiving because we were expecting not only family, but friends at the same time. Aside from family, we were expecting 3 other families. So trust me, Grandma went all out. She brought 2-30lb turkeys, 2-20lb ham, and made 6 pies (though one was said to be our taste test pies, so we finished one pie last night)

Today, I had a chance to head out and said hi to Airborne. He was still the good horse I remembered and he sure love 'em sugar cubes I kept giving him. I could tell he wanted to go for a ride but weather just didn't permit this time. Sorry, Airborne, we'll ride next time. We spend the most day away from the kitchen (orders from Grandma) and spend time with family playing Wii and PS3 and watched football.

And the dinner? Let's just say that I am more than stuffed.
We spend rest of the night eating, talking, and just enjoying the time we have as family. We talked about anything and everything. Including Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and so on. It was a mix of great food, family, and friends. Definitely good way to spend Thanksgiving.

After people left Grandparents' place and the clean up process. We sat in the lounge, enjoyed some coffee and talked more. We talked about those deployed and how they love their pies and turkey. We talked about what happened at previous Thanksgivings and of course, we talked about the ones we lost. We shared their memories and their laughs, we kept their memory alive.

We found things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving and not only for Thanksgiving, for rest of our lives.

Happy Thanksgiving, Mama.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

We'll Be Alright

After attending an event for a psychology extra-credit, I stopped by a coffee shop and brought a small pastry. In ways it was my time away from Sarah so I thought it's nice to take a break and people watch for awhile.

As I was ordering my pastry, I saw a couple walked into the shop with a stroller. The couple looked like they recently graduated college, got married, and now are the parents of a 4-months old boy. As I sat next to them and listened to their conversation with their friends, I wondered if that was how Mom and Dad were. I wondered if that's what they did an a Sunday afternoon and I wondered if that's how they spend their casual dates and visit with their friends.

Behind me sat a family of three, parents and a daughter. As they laughed and talked about some game on their cellphone, I smiled. I thought of when I was young and about our family outings we'd take when Dad was home. As the parents converse with their daughter, I could hear my parents' voice. I could hear Mom's laugh and Dad's never ending challenge to beat the game. I could see myself laughing and smiling like there's no tomorrow.

I smiled as my mind wonders on, it was as if the clock was turned back for our family. It was as if everything was alright and cancer never entered our lives. It was as if our family is whole again.

Or maybe, we were never broken to began with. I'm not sure.

As I was about to leave the coffee shop, a Dad and a 3 year-old girl walked into the shop. Her words were unclear and at the same time adorable. Her gestures were out of this world. I thought about Dad and Sarah as I made my way to my car. And during the drive home, I thought about Mom, Dad, Sarah, and our family.

A voice from the depth of my heart spoke as I turned into the drive way. "Dad, Sarah, and I will be alright. Mom may not physically be here with us but she's here in spirit. Mom may not be living in the house with us but she lives in our hearts. There will be difficult and unbarring times. There will be bucket full of tears and sadness. And there definitely will be hate but I think...I think we'll be alright."

I am sure we'll be alright.
We'll have Mom and God's blessings every step of the way.

Right, Mama?

Enjoy this week's Weekly Tunes, everyone, and remember to NEVER take your family and loved ones for granted.

Kingsley, Happiness, and Heartaches

I wrote this after visiting my friend Kingsley at the hospital. He’s currently fighting a cancer so rare; they don’t even have a name for it.

I don’t know how I would feel coming back to this place. Last time I was here, I saw my 5 year old cousin fought a war against brain cancer. Last time I was here, I saw him took his final breath as he proudly lay down his arms in this war. I didn’t know if it was the best for me or for Kingsley that I dropped by unannounced. I heard the news and had no other intentions but to pay him a visit and wish him well.

As I pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, memories flashed in my mind. I tried my best to block both the horrible and fund memories out of my head but it was useless. I saw myself and Cousin Sean going in this hospital and only I came out. I saw the tears in my family’s eyes as Sean fought his last few breaths here on Earth. It was that part of my life I just did not want to re-live.

I said a quick prayer before heading into the hospital. I was immediately greeted by a Drum Major. Then, realizing that was close to Halloween, I smiled at the Drum Major (one of the hospital staff that was sitting at the welcome desk) and went to grab a visitor’s badge. I truly didn’t know what to expect coming back here. Before heading to Kingsley’s room, I stopped by the bathroom and splashed my face with some cold water.

Everything felt surreal. I had no plans on coming back here any time soon and yet; here I am, visiting a dear friend.

I made my way up to the 7th floor and made my way to his room. I had no plans coming back here any time soon and here I am, rolling down the same hallway I did just a short year ago. Upon entering the room, I heard a weak, yet familiar voice.

“Hey dude, you made it.” Kingsley said to me.

I forced a smile and replied, “Hey.”

I didn’t know what to expect or how I’d feel. Last time I was here, my cousin was fighting a war against cancer. Last time I saw someone with cancer was Mom, her lifeless body sleeping peacefully in her old room. I couldn’t imagine Kingsley as sick as he was. In my mind, he was still the person filled with excitement and always out looking for something to do. Instead, what I saw, was a man swelled up from the chemotherapy and weak as a twig. There was an awkwardness between us and I think there was a big elephant in the room that neither of us wanted to talk about. Even though it was staring right into our eyes.

Kingsley and I caught each other up with both of our busy lives. I told him about what’s been going on and he did the same. As we talked, there was less awkwardness in between us, though we both did not wan to bring up just how cancer changed so many things in both of our lives.

Then Kingsley spoke, “Well…ya you know…” and with as much energy as he can, talked his hearts out. I have never known Kingsley for someone who will talk about his feelings or what he’s going through, but there he was, talking about the diagnosis, breaking the news to his parents and girlfriend, the treatment, and just how sick he feels on a day to day basis. I didn’t say anything but sat there and listened. Kingsley’s voice was sore as it can be and seem to give all his energy telling me just what’s going on.

I didn’t say much, just listened. It’s amazing what you can see and hear when you stop and listen.

Then Kingsley caught me off guard.

“Let’s play some Call of Duty, dude. Some friends lend me a PS3.”

We spend next couple hours playing Call of Duty. There weren’t many words as we geared up and the good old PS3. Despise the chemo and how weak he was, Kingsley pretty much kicked my ass. And like the Kingsley I know, threw some friendly competition words around.

I’m sitting here now, right by Kingsley’s bed as he just passed out cold from all the meds they’ve been given him. I still don’t how I should feel or the things I must do to keep Kingsley’s spirit in check. I’m just here as a friend and it is in the deepest part of my heart that I hope Kingsley can pull through this one. Kingsley’s a good friend and truly, I hope the best for him.

Kingsley’s up now…kind of surprised that I’m still here and asked if I’d like to have bucket duty.
Here we go.

I’ve visited Kingsley several times since the initial visit. He seems weak as ever and that somehow scares me more than usual. Seeing him struggling to pull up his own covers reminds me of how bad Mom got when she was sick. It reminded me a lot of things…and I am confronting them before I actually want to. But I’m here for a good friend; I’m here when no one else would even care. Just fighting through this together I guess.

Yesterday, I watched as they put a feeding tube in him. As the tube passed through the gastro reflex, the unspeakable came rushing out of his mouth, again, reminded me of Mom. Truly hope Kingsley will get the nutrition he needs ASAP. I plan to visit as often as I can. I know what support can do when someone is truly sick. There are just no words I can use to describe what's going on, simply because there is just too much going on.

On another note, Sarah’s first birthday is in two days. Both of my grandparents are coming to celebrate this milestone. It’s rather scary how fast time passed by and Sarah’s already one. I got her several gifts I know she’d like but at the same time, I wish I can give her one thing that I just can’t.

I’m dreading the day she opens her mouth and stare at me with those wondering eyes and ask, “Matty…where’s Mama? How come she’s not here? Does she not love me?”

I’m dreading it now, because I know that’s what she’s wondering about daily right now. She just don’t know how to put it in words.

And when she does ask, I wouldn’t know how to put it in words either.

I wrote this last night and slowly realize I haven't been happy in a long time. I laugh, sure. I smile, sure. But I haven't been happy in a long time. And as much as I'd like to fix that, I don't know how.

Relaxing on my parents' bed. Last time I was here, I was 5, snuggling with Mom while she told me jokes. We laughed and stayed in bed forever.

Now I sit here thinking of all the memories we made throughout the years.

Every time I see the sunrise, I remember sharing our ritual together. And I think of you.
Every time I hear our favorite song, I remember sharing a dance or singing a chorus together. And I think of you.
Every time I smell the items you once hold dear, I remember sharing stories and making memories. And I think of you.
Every time I touch your picture, I remember giving you a hug while you latch onto me forever. And I think of you.

My heart aches like no other tonight.
I'm just a little boy, asking for his Mama.

I miss you Mama.
Come visit soon.
http://www.twitlonger.com/show/6pjmsa

If You Know the Address to Heaven...

“…those who are dead are not dead. They just live in my head…”

I think ever since I heard that song by Coldplay, those two lines are forever embedded in my head. Because when I have the days when I miss Mom, miss my family and friends, I think of this line:

“They just live in my head…”

I swear that makes me sound like I’m psycho. Don’t it?

Some nights ago, as I was trying to retrieve one of my textbook from my book case, my copy of Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell fell to the ground and with it, a letter, addressing to me.

It was another one of Mom’s letters, hidden and waiting for me to discover it.

Sweetheart,

I know at times you hurt and I hurt with you. I know your heart aches when you can no longer hear my voice. I know your heart aches more when your friends are with their Moms. And how I wish I can be there for you, for your Dad, and for Sarah. But I now sit with God and watch over you, sweetheart. No matter where you are in the world, I am always with you.

Remember when you were five, when I had to go on business trips, you would always want to know if you could come along? Your curiosity always tends to wonder what I will be doing and whether or not there will be presents for you when I come back. On top of all that, you always wanted to write to me, said that your words will make me come back quicker.

What a bundle of joy, innocent, and curiosity you were, honey. Your never ending strive to do your best made you stand out from your classmates and friends. Your never ending friendship and love for those around you made you an instant friend to all. On top of that, your words are truly wise beyond your age, honey. I read all your blogs and was in tears of just how proud I am of your work and of you. (And I’m not just saying that because I’m your Mama!) I always looked forward to reading your words and your work. How I wish I can do that today. But don’t worry, even when I am not near, I am always reading your blogs and your writings. Just remember what I said, honey, that words and freedom of speech are one of the most important freedom that a person can have in this country. Many people died fighting for that freedom and one of the things you can do to honor them is to continue writing and practice your freedom of speech.

I am never far from you, Sarah, or your Dad. Remember, sweetheart, no matter where you go in the world, I will be right there with you. Keep writing, even when your heart is not in the right place, write, because I am always looking forward to reading your words.

Keep writing, sweetheart. I look forward reading your work.
A few letters won’t hurt either, honey. If it’s from you, I’ll love it
Your Mama

Though reading letters like this makes me sad and miss Mom like never before but at the same time it makes me proud to call her my Mama. The letter got me thinking about writing her letters. So that afternoon, I stopped by a coffee shop and wrote her some letters.

There was only one problem…

I had no clue where to address the letters or how.
What’s the address to Heaven?

Then I thought maybe I should start another blog and I can put the letters on that blog…
I don’t know…I can hardly keep track of the two blogs I currently have, how am I going to maintain one more?
I don’t know…we’ll see.

If you know the address to Heaven, please let me know.
Thanks.

Some "Me" Time

Spend most of today and yesterday staring and looking at what once made me whole. Looked at what made me smile with joy and at times, full of anger when we lose a game. As I stared at the middle of the field and looked at the field goals, I could hear the crowd, wild on their feet. I could hear the cheerleaders screaming on the top of their lungs. I could hear my teammates shouting both praise and threats to each other. And in ways, I think those treats go farther than the praise ever did. I stared in the field and for a moment I was happy then an amount of pain flow through my body. It was as if someone wiped all the fans, the cheerleaders, and teammates away. And I was alone again out in that field.

Every so often, it'd hurt.
And at times, it hurts all the time.

It hurts when I wonder what it'd be like to run around the corner.
It hurts when I think about where I would be today if I enlisted in the Army.
It hurts when I see my friends in 'em JROTC/ROTC uniform and PT uniform and wonder what it'd be like to be 'em right now.

I hurt cause I envy 'em.
I hurt cause I wish I can be 'em.
I hurt cause I am jealous of 'em.

But that don't mean I don't wish 'em well.
Good luck and good huntin', Midshipmen Harting

I sat there, stared, and I thought a lot about everything.

Monday's Mom's birthday. I sat in the quiet and I could hear her voice in the bleachers, cheering me on. She was a Southern girl and loved football and never played a doll. I sat there, and I could hear her voice, cheering me on to run that extra yard. I can see her run down the bleachers, too, just to give me a big hug no matter how well or horrible I did. I can feel her kiss me on the cheeks saying, "You did a great job and I am so proud of you."

I sat there and sang her Happy Birthday.

I got home earlier this evening with Mom's favorite cake, a small piece of Tiramisu, and while Sarah sat on my lap, we sang her a Happy Birthday song again. Then I told Sarah about Mom.

I'm just making the best of this week.
And the week after that.
And the week after that.
And for as long as I can.

I love you, Mama.

Making the Best of This Week

I ran into good friend today while sitting in the coffee shop. He saw me and remembered about the accident. After few awkward seconds, he asked me how I was doing. I was sure he knew that it's that time of year again and with a slow reply, I told him, "Just making the best of this week."

And it have prove to be a lot harder than I thought.

Four years ago, my life changed. Four years ago today, I had no clue what was going to happen. All I had was football on my mind.

Six months ago, I lost Mom to cancer. On Monday of next week, it's her birthday. Instead of celebrating a birthday, I am celebrating her life and at the same time, mine.

But trust me, this ain't easy at all. Not $*%^ing easy at all.

A week before, on a Sunday, one of Mom's best friend came to town for a business trip. We were able to meet up several times during the week and a half she was here. Yesterday, we hung out for majority of the day. She treated me to lunch and also dinner. She came to see the house and got to meet Sarah. We talked about a lot of things, from my education to the house and even technology. (She had just bought an iPad and asked me to help her set it up) We talked about Sarah, about Dosh, and of course, about Mom.

She told me a lot of things that I didn't knew and some, I didn't want to know. I think in way she believes talking about Mom will help me heal. But reality, too much information and stories only does more damage than good. But I didn't say anything but listened. I heard about Mom's adventures while she was in school, about how she was always the most studious and at the same time the biggest party animal around. She talked about Mom's love for Dad, for Sarah and for me.

"Your Mama loves you more than life itself, Matt. Remember that."
I remember. That's why I miss her so damn much.

After awhile, she asked me how I was doing. She wanted me to know that Mom would have been proud of any decisions I made. I lied to her and told her I was doing ok. That I have been busy with classes and chores around the house I didn't have time to think. Truth was, everything I did reminded me of my old life. Everything I did made me miss Mom. And every moment made me wish that Mom is here and what I would do to take her place.

I remember years ago, when talking to one of my doctors (who also have SCI) awhile ago, he told me at 3 years of being a SCI, I still am a "kid" and when I am at my 30th year, things will really come into place. I smiled and didn't say a thing. Truth was, I couldn't see myself at 30th year, I could hardly see myself in 10 years.

On the ride home, I told Mom about the conversation. She pulled over the car and told me, "Honey I already am very proud of you. You pulled through in the hospital and now you're pulling through every day. Three years or 30 years, no matter what, I know you'll do well and I will forever be proud of you."

I hope that's still true. Because worse thing in the world is to disappoint Mom.

There's too much emotions going on and I do not know how to control it or deal with it at all. The spasms and neuro pains have been bothering me so much I can't shake the fact that I am a SCI, not even in my dreams. I miss Mom like never before and wish she was here so we can celebrate her birthday on Monday. This is one of those times when everything in the world come crashing down. And I am about to break.

I hope I can hold on, for Sarah's sake.
I hope I can make the best of the rest of this week.

I miss you, Mama. Sarah does too. Please help us go through this week. Your birthday isn't the same without you. Every day isn't the same without you. I love you, Mama.

She Misses Her Too

After hours of trying to put Sarah to bed, I finally got her to fall asleep.

I was so sure that Sarah was full of excitement because she stood up by herself today. She grabbed onto my wheel and with a push, she stood up. All on her own. I was (and still am) proud of her. She's growing up so fast and exploring the world around her.

So when she sat in my lap and didn't fell asleep, I thought she was just still too excited to sleep. I didn't think Sarah would miss Mom. I just didn't even think that was possible.

Or maybe I was naïve.

As a last resort I played one of the bedtime stories that Mom had recorded and I put Sarah right in my parents bed and lay right next to her. Within minutes, she felt asleep.

I guess she just needed to hear Mom's voice and be in my parents bed.
I didn't think Sarah would know Mom when she only knew Mom for 4 some months.
I didn't think Sarah would remember Mom.
I didn't think Sarah would miss Mom.

But I was wrong.
She misses her too.

She misses you too Mama. She's missing you too.
I love you, Mama.

Sunday Hangout

Yesterday while I was waiting for Tiania at our meet up place, I saw a couple in their 60s or even possibility 70s. As I rolled by 'em, they were talking in a language I didn't recognize but I could tell they are madly in love. They talked, smiled, laughed, and even kissed.

For some reason, I couldn't help myself but smiled. I guess it's those things in life you smile and thank God for.

I bumped into someone in a chair while I was crossing the street. He saw my chair and I saw his and we both said, at the same time, "Nice chair." We went into the same coffee shop then talked about our chairs and our injuries like we've known each other since rehab. He was a complete stranger but funny how "close" you get with a stranger when you both have some things in common.

While Tiania was stuck in traffic, I rolled around downtown and saw this couple that are around my parents age. They were enjoying their lunch together and just one glance at 'em reminded me of my parents. I wondered what my parents would be doing on date night if Dad wasn't on a mission and if Mom was still here today. I wondered what they'd say to each other. And for that moment, I felt a pain coming from my heart.

I hurt for my parents. For the number of dates they were able to go on in the past and the number of dates they won't be able to go on in the future. I hurt for 'em, knowing that no distance can break their love for each other but it is also this distance between Heaven and Earth that's breaking both their hearts. And that makes me wish I can take Mom's place.

I said a quick prayer for Dad's safe return from his mission and thanked God for taking care of Mom and Sean. I prayed that they are both flying freely in Heaven and asked God to continue to bless our family. Mom always said, "Everything, EVERYTHING, is a blessing in disguise."

The rest of the day was pretty good, Tiania and I hung out and talked about our summer and caught up with each others life. We stopped by the Apple Store and talked about Macbooks, iMacs, iPods and even iPads. I told her about my wants and needs list and she told me about her wants of moving out of her parents' place. And of course we talked about college and how much we both miss high school.

We had pizza for lunch, ice cream, and sushi for dinner. It was good catching up with a friend from high school. A good day for the most part and extra good when Tiania told me she knows yesterday wasn't a date. Which is good because I don't need her thinking it was and have her end up kissing me or something. It sure wouldn't be fun explaining that to Nicole!


How was you guys' weekend?

Week of August 8th, 2010

Yesterday I decided to take a trip with Sarah in honor and memory of Mom. One of the many special thing I used to do with Mom is just to take a random trips. Trips where there is no particular destination. We just drive and stop when we wanted to and stop when we discover a place that's cool or places that's just Heaven on Earth and undiscovered by the majority of the population.

Sarah and I took that trip today. Needless to say we stop by the mall and the Apple Store (Again, I got hooked on the iPad they had on display) so I can get new headphones but we took the trip and found an amazing place that is truly Heaven on Earth and that was when I decided to keep this secret place between Sarah and myself. And when Dad gets home, we can make this our family secret spot.

On the way home, I thought of Mom and Dad. I've always looked up to 'em for guidance and need but slowly I realized I am learning more from them than I initially believed. I see the love and relationship between 'em that can not be broken by deployments, sickness, or even death. And not too long ago, I vouched for myself to do the same in the future.

This song reminds me of my parents' love for each other. No matter the time, no matter the distance, I have a feeling they'll love each other till the day after forever. And I also have a feeling this is what Mom said to Dad when they last talked.

Oooh if our maker calls and takes me,
And leaves you here alone,
Don't be sad because I'm not that far away,
Once again hand in hand we'll walk the far side of the moon,
I look forward to lookin' back with you,
Oh baby,
I look forward to lookin' back with you.


Craig Morgan's Lookin' Back With You

I love you Mama

Observation: An Insight Into Today's Youth

An Insight Into Today's Youth

One weekend I had the privilege to be invited to a swimming pool and BBQ party. Privilege in ways I didn't think of until after the fact. I was asked to help with one of the most if not the most important job at the party. I was to sit by the pool and make sure the kids at the party were safe. By agreeing to help the hosting family, I would receive free food and beverages. You can say that it was more or less life guard duty but that night, I realized it was more. Through this event, I had the opportunity to observe the minds, the conversations, and acts of today's youth. I set out on a small adventure trying to discover how today's youth act and how today's world may affect their thinking process.

This group of grade school kids ranges from 5 years old all the way to their early teens. Majority of the kids knew each other since pre-school. And though some are siblings, this is a close group of friends, even amongst the parents. They also share something that no ordinary grade-school children share. They all knew a true and dear friend that lost his battle to cancer just three short years ago. And though this loss, they learned to lean on each other for comfort and at the same time, learned to share fund memories of Matthew as a way of finding comfort.

Majority of party the kids played with the water balloons, played in the pool and ate like there is no tomorrow. They laughed and joked with each other and even grouped together to "gang" up on a friend by teasing him and blocking him away from their games.

These activities I have seen before and thus no news for me. As the last few hours of the party edge closer and closer, I noticed that the older kids (mostly going to junior high school) separated themselves from the younger kids. They settled in the jacuzzi and in ways avoided the younger kids as they began conversing about their classmates and fund memories of Matthew. I listened in and slowly recognized the hurt of losing a dear friend may not always be visible but through the words, I can hear the pain from a kid I have never seen or met before.

Soon, their conversation carried from classmates to school. I grew interest and moved closer to the jacuzzi, simply because I know many things have changed since I was at their age. I was interested in how the conversation differs between me and my friends back then and now. As each of the kids voice their opinions of the new school year and grade, B suggested, or rather, informed the group that, "Did you know that if you're in a sport team in high school, you get less homework?"

I paused and wondered what could possibility be going through B's mind when he said that sentence to his friends. Have rumors and the wondering minds confuse the younger generation How does he retain his information and from whom was the sources? It was then I couldn't help myself but interrupted their conversation.

I stated, "I'd like to know which high school that is and why I didn't attend that high school."

The boy quickly responded with a random local high school name. Consequently, I graduated from that same school. So as he went on to try and justify his statement, I shook my head and told him the truth, "I graduated from that high school. And no they don't give you less homework. They give you the same amount of homework as others and you have to learn time management. If you don't, then it'll seem like you have more homework than your friends who are not playing a sport. They won't give you less homework simply because you play on the baseball team."

B stared at me and with a much delayed paused, he said, "Well I think schools in Japan are all like that or something since baseball is so big there."

The rest of the kids stared at me for a few seconds before going back conversing about school. I continued listened in while the conversation slowly carried from school to technology. It was then I realized that majority of the kids today live in a bubble. Kids may differ depending on where in the world they live in or whether or not they are civilians or military brats. But overall, majority of the kids today surely do live in a bubble. A bubble made out of technology, gadgets, and today's high tech society. Years ago, there were no such thing as cell phones. Years ago, I didn't know what the internet or the computer is. I had no clue of the technology around me, simply because there weren't that many high tech news in the world. Today, kids speak of technology daily. From iPods to computers to the internet. Today, every kid talks about technology like it's the back of their hands.

After several minutes of conversing about the technology around them. B, who I believe is going to 7th grade started again, "If you don't have e-mail, well then you're just lame."

That caught my attention. Growing up where the idea of an electronic mail sounds absurd, today's youth have qualified those without e-mails as "lame". My interest grew. I wanted to find out about youth's relationship with today's technology so listened in. Their conversations were about everything Google. From Gmail to GTalk. And with their conversation, I've discovered that they knew mostly what I knew about Gmail. Only difference was they seem to be born with such knowledge and I had to learn it myself. As the conversation carried, I wondered about each of their lives. I wondered whether or not what they truly know about technologies differs from whey are telling and sharing. I wondered how each of them would function without such technology and wondered if today's youth are truly that dependent on the technology that surrounds them.

Mostly, I wondered how much their minds would crumble at the sound and happenings of no technology around them. Simple things like looking up information by hand rather than Google just might seem "impossible" to today's generation. Simple things like finding a restaurant's information without an iPhone seems ridiculous. At my age and my knowledge of the technology past, I suddenly felt extremely old and out-of-date. I also felt some stupidity flowing through my veins because my lack of knowledge when I was the same age as the kids.

After the party, I decided to stay after and help the host family clean up the house. After inviting me to join them for dinner, I told the hosting family of my encounter with the kids. I told them of what I observed and the words that young B said about high school and technology. The hosting family agreed with me that he and a lot of the kids today live in a bubble. A bubble made out of technology and high tech gadgets. B is an exceptional example of this bubble, at his age, he already owns an iPod Touch, an iPhone, PS3, 2 computers, and 1 laptop.

I left the hosting family's house after dinner with a heavy mind. As I got home, I thought about today's youth and the observations I made that day. I then realized that the day was a privilege. I not only had free food and beverages, I learned and received much more. This party gave me the opportunity to observe the minds and today's youth ways. Surrounded by technology, I discovered that youth today are more isolated than ever before. Some may agree that technology simplifies life, but in ways, it is altering the youths like never before.

Whether not that is a good thing, we will just have to wait and see.

An Insight Into Today's Youth is © 2010 QKnckles
Contact Knuckles if you'd like to guest write something.

Recent Events and With Strength and Unity

Last night I went to bed with a heavy heart. This morning, I woke up with a heavier heart.

My family and The Ts have been family friends for a long time. My parents knew the Ts before they got married and way before I was born. They had two kids, one boy, M and one girl, M and this past October, another boy, J joins the family. The Ts truly are old and good family friends.

Three years ago yesterday, M lost his fight with ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia) To celebrate and honor his life and him, I decided to treat The Ts to dinner. I brought some of M's favorite pizza to The T's home, we said grace, and had a fairly quiet meal together.

During dinner, we spoke a few words about M and his personal favorite pizza, Cheese. We spoke of M's words and what he used to say, "I'm sick but I like games so I'll be okay." I could already tell that The Ts didn't want to go on, not because they don't like talking about memories but because it hurts so much talking about their beloved son that was on his way to fighting off cancer and yet still lost.

Mrs. T then asked me about college. She asked me how my classes were and how I like 'em. I told her about my C++ professor and his analogy of programming to murder and Harry Potter. We smiled and decided that the professor is a weird one. Mr. T then told us about his very first programming professor and the way that professor like to intimate the students. And for the first time last night, we laughed.

After dinner, as J and Sarah play in the living room, M showed me videos of her recent musical play and major events that happened at her school last year. After those videos, M schooled through a bunch of older family films. She stopped at a video that her family and mine took years ago. As we continued to watch the video, I saw the younger me, years before my accident. I saw Mom talking to Mrs. T and I saw young M and M playing happily in the show. Mr. T broke the silence, "This was before he was diagnosed." and I nodded, I remember that trip like it was yesterday.

M, Mr. T, and myself didn't speak much after that. In the silence we tried to heal the pain of losing our loved ones to cancer but at the same time, we tried our best to remember and honor 'em. I gave M and Mrs. T a hug before I left their house. Mrs. T said a quiet "thank you" as he carried J in her arms. I looked up at her and said, "No, thank you." before giving M another hug and left the house.

After Mr. T helped me put Sarah in her car seat, we spoke a few words about dinner, about Mad Men and then let the silence flow through the air. To my surprise, Mr. T gave me a hug. I could tell he was holding back the tears and pain but for that couple seconds, we felt comfort through each others arms.

I pulled the car out of their driveway and sat there dead cold for a couple minutes. I held back the tears for as long as I can but as I drove home, I felt a stream of tears fell down my cheeks.

I put Sarah to bed and told her how much Mom, Dad, Dosh, and I love her. And sitting alone in my room, my heart ached like no other. I miss a lot of people in my life last night. I miss Mom and wish she was here. I miss M and wish he was with his parents and his little sister. Cancer truly sucks. I miss Dad and hope he's doing well and that he'd come home soon.

I had a lot of things I needed to do last night but I wasn't in the mood and decided against doing anything. I checked my email and went to bed early.

I went to bed with a heavy heart and I woke up with a heavier one.

Reading some news this morning, I found that they have found the body of one of the missing sailor. My heart ache for his family, for his parents, and for his friends. I may cheer for Army and not Navy but he is still one of us. I may voice my opinions about Squids but he is still "family". I may not know him or his family personally but I hurt for 'em and prayed for 'em.

I woke up with a heavier heart.

I prayed and thought about a lot today. I pray for our troops all over the world, I pray for the other missing sailor, I pray for the family and loved ones of the fallen sailor, and I pray for all the military family out there. I'm thinking of those with loved ones deployed and I am thinking about Dad. Come home soon Dad.

Because it is only with strength and unity can we help and support each other in this time of uncertainty.

Side note: There's a lot of drama going on everywhere right now and truly I am just trying to avoid 'em best I can. Let me share something that my coach once said to the team.

"CUT THAT CRAP OUT. LOOK AT YOUR JERSEY, WHO DO YOU PLAY FOR?! AND WHO DO YOU PLAY FOR?! SO WHY THE HELL ARE WE THIRSTY FOR EACH OTHERS BLOOD?!? CUT THE CRAP OUT. WE'RE A TEAM. TEAM!"

Words I Can't Get Myself To Say

There's a part of me that always knows that this will happen sometimes in the future, whether it's online or in person. I just didn't know it would be this soon.

The same question was asked over and over today, both on Twitter and in person. "Where's mom?"
And I couldn't find the words to answer the question. On Twitter, I posted a link to the blog post for that person and nothing more. In person, I said, "away" and let the silence rang through the air.

I never thought it would be this difficult to answer a simple question. I never thought a question like that would make me hurt, physically. I felt my heart ache when the question was asked. It hurts.

Earlier today, I read Mr. Lance Armstrong's blog post For Stacy and just like that, missed Mom like never before. I missed her smile, I miss her cooking, I miss her words, I miss her.

I cried then the question came and my heart stopped.
I couldn't find the words to answer the question. And soon realized that it's only been 4 months since Mom passed away and already it felt like eternity. And that eternity feel made me believe that I could answer "Where's mom?" but I couldn't.

I couldn't say the words to explained what happened. I wouldn't say the one sentence that would answer the question. I just couldn't. There are just words I can't get myself to say. Even thinking about it makes my heart ache.

I can't say it even if I want to explain what's going on. I've already done it once through writing that blog and somehow, saying it again seems impossible.

So forgive me, people who asked me that question. I can't answer that in a short sentence because of how much it hurts me. Please make your way to the blog post and your question will be answered.

Once again, I'm sorry. There are just words I can't get myself to say.
At least, not yet.

I love you, Mama. Sarah's growing up so fast and we miss you every day.

John 3:16

I think every time I have to stay in the hospital or pay a visit to the ER, I meet someone that stops me dead in my track. Or maybe it happens to me all the time and I only notice it when I'm sitting in the ER or in the hospital.

Earlier this morning, I was getting some classic symptoms of Autonomic Dysreflexia. For some reason, I chose to ignore it and soon, found myself sitting in cold sweat, feeling all sorts of headache and truth be told I think I was starting to be delusional. So I called a good family friend, Mrs. N, that I needed help and something was wrong. She and Mr. N rushed me to the ER. I had a feeling it was AD and at that point I was panicking, I felt like I was dying and my blood pressure was at a record high. There was only one problem, no one on call knew a thing about Autonomic Dysrefleia (I'll write more about this later on) and the only person know something about it was me. And well...I was in my own little world of pain and agony.

Somewhere in the mist of getting the AD situation taken care of, I met a first-grader named Maxwell. He was singing Blessed Be Your Name and I smiled. He asked me, "You know that song too?!" and just like that, we were friends. We talked and he asked me what other songs I know. I told him "I Can Only Imagine" and he replied excitedly, "I KNOW THAT ONE TOO." I asked him how old he was, he told me, "6...WELL 6 AND THREE-QUARTERS!" and we got talking about Church and the Bible. I asked Maxwell what's his favorite verse, he told me John 3:16 and without me asking, he recite it to me:

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
John 3:16

I smiled and asked if he had it memorized and he told me yes. He then told me his favorite song was Blessed Be Your Name" and his favorite verse, Revelation

I woke up this afternoon thinking about Maxwell and the things we talked about the night before. This young and innocent first grader had me stop dead in my tracks. This stranger made me think of God and Jesus. This kid, out of nowhere, reminded me that Jesus and God is here and works wonders.

Maybe it's a sign, I don't know.
But it sure is a good one.

Maxwell, John 3:16 is my favorite verse also.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
John 3:16

If Only I Had the Power

I saw and read her profile for the first time tonight.

And...

I cried.

I cried because she knows what I'm going through but she doesn't.
I cried because everything is crashing down and because I am just that big of a baby.

When have I become such a cry baby, such an emo person? Crying in the dark of night and in silence being as quiet as I can so I don't wake up Sarah. Crying behind anyone's knowing so I can remain "strong" but in reality weaker and weaker everyday. "It'll get easier with time." is bullshit because chunks of my heart's been missing for almost 4 years now and now, even more is gone. Nothing makes it easier. So when did I became weak and vulnerable?

When?

Her profile says...
R.I.P. Mom; 05.03.1957-05.26.2008 I still need you. ♥
I read that and I cried like there's no tomorrow.
I miss her. I miss that part of my life. I miss a lot of everything.
I am vulnerable and I am weak.

If I had the power, all of us would get away. Far away with nothing but shot glasses and memories. Forever or for awhile. Let's get away.

If only I had the power.

I've Decided

I've been weighing this on my mind ever since Mom passed away. And for weeks I tried to put it in the back of my mind. I kept telling myself that I'll deal with it later when it comes up. I didn't want to think about this because making this decisions meaning pulling myself in 3 or even 4 different directions. It'll make me hurt, it'll make me wonder about the what ifs and it'll make me wish more that Mom never left.

So I put it off because we can't turn back time and I can't bring my Mama back. Though I wish I can, even if it means trading my own life.

So days went by of me busy with school and trying to ride out the rest of my senior year. Weeks went by of me busy with life and taking care of Sarah that I truly put this subject in the back of my head. But as the end of May and graduation draws closer and closer, this thing started to crawl back like a freaking cockroach.

So I sat in my car one day and thought long and hard about this decision. I thought about a lot of different things, I thought about Sarah, I thought about Dad and I thought about myself and my dreams. I thought about the years when I ran the bases with all my might so "I can play ball!" I thought about the years that football seems like the only thing that truly matters to me. And when I made up my mind, I thought about a "good" way to tell Dad when he gets home. I thought about a "good" way to tell my Grandparents. And even after I told 'em my decision, I still don't know if what I said to 'em was a "good" one.

I put off telling my Grandparents until after graduation, until the end of the dinner and events, until the guests left the house. Until I couldn't put it off anymore and I told my Grandparents my decision.

To my surprise, my Grandparents took it well. Grandpa didn't shook his head or sigh and Grandma didn't urged me to think about this just "one more time" They didn't say anything but nodded their heads. Maybe they didn't say anything this time because they are so disappointed in me, they have nothing to say....I truly hope this isn't the case. And now sitting alone in my house, I wonder if Mom would be okay with my decision, I wonder what Mama is saying in Heaven. I wonder if she's mad at me or if she's just yelling like there's no tomorrow. I wish there's a way for me to know...

I decided I'm not going away for college.

I applied to 7 schools and got into 4 schools (Kentucky, Ohio State, Florida, Texas A&M) and though I am extremely happy for those 4 schools for accepting me to their university, I am not going away for college and I will deny attendance in all 4 schools.

Call me all you want or think of me less if you want to. I don't care. Because I can't do it, I just can't go away to college without thinking about Sarah and about Dad. I can't go miles away thinking that Sarah's alone or at my Grandparents without Dad or me. I can't imagine her sad days of missing Mama without me or Dad I just can't do it. People kept asking me if there were any other way, there might be but I really don't want to take chances. Call me all you want but truly, I can't do it, I can't leave Sarah here.

But don't you guys fucking call my Dad names and think of him as selfish for not retiring now and think of him as a bad parent. Because I know where he's coming from. I know he is seeing the big picture and want the best for the both of us. Mama's not here anymore and things we used to have may only last so long. There are just too many things to think about and I know Dad's looking at the big picture. He's looking at the big picture even when he lost his best friend and his love. I trust him, he's my Dad.

And before you go into a rant about my bad decision, I said I'm not going away for college but that doesn't mean I'm not going to college. I'm already taking college classes at the local community college (15 units right now) and talking to counselors about which A.A degree will be good for me and the possibility of transferring to elsewhere for my B.A or maybe even Ph.D. degree. I know how important having an education is so I won't throw that completely away.

This just means that I won't be going away for college. I won't be partying at some frat house and getting myself drunk every week. I won't be living in a dorm or sitting at the students section of the football stadium. I won't be able to hear the noises during March with my own ears. I won't be able to go around checking out college girls and thinking about Nicole.

But I'll be with Sarah and I'll get my degree, you can count on that.

Mama, I truly hope you were at graduation today. I know I've told you it's just a little sheet of paper but I really wish that you saw it when I put it up to the sky for you. I also truly hope that you aren't mad or upset and disappointed with this college decision I've made. I just want what's best for Sarah and Dad. I really do. I love you Mama, please don't be disappointed.

Reality

Yesterday, while browsing around Military.com, I came across an article labeled, War Widows Struggle With a Special Grief and without thinking, I clicked on the link and read the entire article. The article was nothing special, it didn't teach me anything and I can't tell you about. I mean...you expect these things, even if you don't want to think or talk about it.

As I got to the middle of the article, I thought of Dad. He's working and somewhere in the world, a man is struggling with a special kind of grief. You often hear the word widow in the military. But not often do you hear widower in this community. Especially when your wife wasn't in the military. Especially when your wife was healthy as a horse months before she passed away. And that, makes Dad's grief a special one.

Now I don't know how Dad is dealing with all this. I don't know whether or not he's talking to his friends or a doc about it but I know he's not talking to me. I just hope he is talking to someone, and in some way, he is letting out this grief in a healthy way. I lost my mother to cancer. I can't lose my Dad to grief.

Though in ways, I feel I already lost him.

Towards the end of the article, something caught my eye, "...is among several...widows who still keep message machines tucked away in their closets..." I read that and I thought of myself and Dad, we still have the message machine in the house (in fact, it never even move an inch) We still have messages left in the machine. We still have the usual joyful greeting from Mom, "We're not home right now!" We still have a few messages on there left by Mom. And as much as I'd to hear Mom's voice again, "don't forget to pick up milk!" can and most likely will kill me all over again. So, for now, we leave it in it's place. In the living room, by the TV, and in our hearts.

"Reality is when you take your husband's name off your cell phone."

I completely agree...if we ever get the strength and courage to take Mom off of our phones, our answering machine, and our minds.

I don't think I ever will be able to do that.
I miss you, Mama. Dad is too.

P.S. It kind of hit me today that it's already May...which means there are about 17 days of real school left (plus senior finals and check out) then after that it's 3 days of mandatory fun before graduation on the 22nd. Time's going by too fast. And friends I met all over the world are graduating soon or already graduated. Really, where did the time go? I wonder if I'll ever get to meet some of 'em again...

The Tears Behind the Smile

I, am messed up. I can't think straight and I can't see straight. It's hard for me to find the motivation to do homework/assignments. I am messed up.

It took me months to finally admit that out loud, that I am truly messed up and I am truly not okay. And it took me even more time to finally decide go to talk to the school counselor. Thinking and hoping that they know the people that can help me. Because really, I am messed up.

I talked to the counselor for hours. I cried when I told her about Dad and I bawled when I told her about Mom and Sarah. She didn't say much, though, and parts of me felt like I wasted my time because the things she said, you can probably read it on one of those For Dummies book. She said that eventually, I'll come to accept the fact that Mom is no longer with us. Eventually she said and ya...eventually.

I wonder when that'll be.

Last night, I had a long talk over Skype with Ashlet, good friend of mine living in Hawaii. I didn't tell her everything that's going on in my heart but I broke down in front of her. I cried and sobbed because I missed Mom and the thought of "this just ain't fair" ran through my mind over and over again.

I told her my busy schedule of taking care of Sarah, high school, and college classes. I told her how lost I am in the world and wish that someone would just tell me what to do so I wouldn't have to think about it. I told her the frustration I have trying to decide whether or not Oatmeal Cereal or Rice Cereal is best for Sarah. I told her one of many reasons I can't go live with my Grandparents is because I am not ready. I am not ready to see where Mom lays every time I get back on the Ranch. Maybe in the future I will be able to but right now, I can't. I am not ready. I am not ready because my mind is still playing a trick on me, constantly.

There are just too many decisions I must make within the next couple months that are going to impact me for the rest of my life. And truly I don't know what to do. I got accepted to Kentucky, Ohio State, Texas A&M, and Florida. But as I read 'em acceptance letters, I hurt. I hurt because Mom isn't here sitting next to me reading the letters with me. I hurt because she isn't squeezing me tight in her bear hug as she tell me how proud she is of me. I hurt because I got into the schools I wanted to play football for. I hurt because I don't know what to do.

Even after the amount of times I called Sarah a whiny little $*%#^ I love her. I love her because she is my sister. I love her because she is part of Mom. And that is all I have left of Mom right now. I love her so much I do not want to ever leave her behind. Everything I do now is because of her and for her. And if Dad was here, I would be doing the same for Dad too. Because I do NOT want 'em to feel alone nor do I want to leave 'em behind. Ever.

Graduation is less than a month away. I already have college acceptance letters waiting for me. And I don't even know which schools I want to go to or if I should go to college. Going to college was a huge dream of mine. To be on my own would be amazing. To be dependent on my own and maybe Dosh would be freaking awesome. And my parents would agree, they wanted to kick me out as soon as possible.

But we never thought Mom would get sick. She did and now she's gone. That plan is different now. Leaving for college is different now. With Dad gone a lot of the times, Sarah would be alone. And when Dad is home, they would be alone, trying to fight through the days without Mom. Going to college is different now. I can't just leave for college without thinking about Sarah and Dad. People tell me there's relatives, my Grandparents, or even friends that would be there for Dad and Sarah when I'm gone. True but they don't live the life. They hear about it and feel for us. We are feeling it.

I am an Army Brat, I was taught at a young age to never leave anyone behind. I can still remember running laps with one of my classmates because he was the last one finishing up the mile. I ran with him even though people voiced their opinions. I did it because I don't leave anyone behind. And I am not about to leave anyone behind now. Especially not Dad or Sarah.

And going away to college, to me, is leaving Sarah and Dad behind. It's not the same when I can only visit 'em whenever I have break. And I know I will not be able to focus on schools miles away thinking about Dad and Sarah. I do not want to fail out of college nor do I want it on my record.

Going to live with a relative or Grandparents would mean leaving Dad behind. It'll mean that when Dad gets home from work, the house would be empty. It would mean that he would be living on his own or who knows, maybe he'll go back to the barracks. Dad is already dealing with work and the loss of his best friend, I don't think leaving him alone would be such a good idea. At all.

So you see, I don't know about college. I don't knwo what I'm doing to do, and truly, I can't even see straight or think straight. I just want Dad and Sarah to be okay and I sure as hell is going to do whatever I can to make sure they will be okay or at least have someone there for 'em when they are not.

I am in the middle of making one of the biggest decision in my life. Inside me I am FUBAR but I put on a smile for my friends and those that run into me. Inside though, that's a whole different story.

I love you Mama and we miss you terribly.
I love you Dad, please take care of yourself at work and come home soon.
I love you Sarah, even if all you do is cry, sleep, eat, and poop.

Silent and Emptiness

On the way home yesterday, I had the random thought of wheeling to school on Earth Day. No, I'm not trying to start something, I just felt like doing it. So today, I did just that. I "walked" to school. 3.7 miles away and it only took me an hour and of course, I "walked" back also. So HA to all those extreme tree hugging people out there. I did my part for Earth Day, I went 7.4 miles just to travel to school from home and back. So HA.

Today was one of those up and down days. Classes and school went okay, (though I sat through one of the most amazing lecture I have ever heard) chores were chores and well...I got both rejection letters (from Maryland and Oklahoma) and acceptance letter (from Kentucky) in the mail. As I look up and saw Mom's car in the driveway, I somehow smiled. I rushed into the house with the letters on my lap, opened the door to an empty house. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I wanted to show Mom that I got accepted to Kentucky, my fall back school. I don't know but I guess I forgot. So I went in the empty and silence house, made copies of both the rejection and acceptance letter and burned the copy.

Maybe this way, Mom would know how the applications result.

For the rest of the night, I turned off the NFL Draft. I was no longer in the mood. I sat there and wondered what I wanted for dinner. I wondered about a lot of things actually. About Mom and Dad, about Sarah, about college, school, and friends. And slowly I felt this hole inside of me getting bigger and deeper. The silent is killing me. The emptiness is killing me. The decisions, the thoughts, everything.

They are all slowly killing me.
But I don't know how to make 'em stop. So, I just let 'em chew my heart out slowly and let 'em dig this hole. It's hurting so bad I am numb and don't feel anything anymore. If that makes any sense. It freaking hurts

I have a lot of decisions I need to make. And I don't know what to do...

For those of you keeping track:

Accepted:
Kentucky

Rejected:
Miami
Maryland
Oklahoma

Still waiting to hear back:
Florida
Ohio St
Texas A&M

Time Management

I'm not sure why this is happening...

For the last couple weeks, I told myself that I need a hour or so nap so I can function throughout my day, so I can have the energy to wake up from the nap feeling refreshed. So I can do my homework and assignments from both high school and college.

That never happened.

That, meaning, I never woke up from my so called "hour nap." Well, I actually did wake up and somehow turned off my alarm and then fell back asleep. When I open my eyes again, it was 0430 or 0530. Which means I wake up just in time to get ready for my day. This means that I never woke up in the middle of the night, which means that assignments weren't done. And that means the assignments weren't turned in. We're not talking about puny high school assignments, the work that's not getting done are college assignments. Assignments that the instructors DO NOT take late.

I'm thinking this is a huge FML, what do you guys think?

Anyways, I'm not sure why this is happening. Never before have I have the problem of waking up in the middle of the night to finish up my homework. Never before have I miss an assignment, let alone a college assignment. And now, it happened more than twice in the matter of two weeks.

I think I'm horrible with time management

I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what I'm doing. I don't know why this is suddenly happening and truly don't want to push every reasoning to the fact that Mom passed away. So I'm kind of lost and at the same time frustrated. I am NOT a fan of waking up and realizing I am late for class or school. I am NOT a fan of having Sarah as my alarm clock and I am certainly NOT a fan of not turning my assignments in on time.

But I don't know how to fix this situation.

That's the one only problem. Other thing is that I am finding myself losing motivation to do a lot of things, especially homework/assignments. Just like this past weekend, I told myself I need to finish all my homework on Saturday but that never happened. Now, days later, I am stomped with assignments that were supposed to be due last week: read 5 chapters and finish reading assignments; 2 staff reports; 3 section of math homework; math take home quiz; English paper and a lot more stuff I can't remember right now.

Needless to say, once again, I am frustrated. This have never happened before in my life and now, I am finding myself procrastinate more often, losing motivation to do my work, sleeping in when I'm not supposed to, not turning in my assignments, and so much more.

I'm at a loss cause on what I can do to fix this problem. I send an email to Dad earlier today and well...I have a feeling I'm going to get my butt smoked out for these reasons. I just don't know how to manage my time with what I need to do: take care of Sarah; take care of the chores around the house; make sure I get my high school and college assignments in; study for high school and college test/quiz; get to school on time; make sure I go to my Physical Therapy sessions (Confessions time, I haven't been to PT for weeks) and actually get a good night sleep (or at least not sleep through the night when I'm supposed to be doing my assignments)

Guess I know how single parent feels now. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
If you have any ideas how I can manage my time better, please contact me or tweet/DM me because I need help. I can't make a habit of not turning in assignments, it'll hurt and kill my college GPA/grades, the grades/GPA that truly matters.

Time management and Matt does NOT get along, at all.
Hopefully we will get along soon, for my grades/health's sake.

I $*%^ You

Yesterday morning, I send out a stack of letters to Nicole yesterday. Funny how much you miss someone you care about when you can't talk or see 'em. The letters I wrote well, guess I can call 'em a typical "Hollywood Letters". I asked her about OSUT, I told her about the things going on in my life right now. I told her some of my grief but didn't storm her with what really on my mind. I guess I didn't want to burden her when she's busy with OSUT. I told her about Prom and how much I truly did't want to go because she's not here but I went anyways. And of course, I told her how much I miss her smile, her words, and mostly, her. I end the letters with "talk to you soon" or sometimes "miss you" or things of the sort.

It's almost 3 months since I asked Nicole out after the Pat Green concert we went to. And up till now, Nicole and I haven't say the word. Which word, the L word. At first thought, it makes me laugh because it reminds of me this Miller Light commercial:

I've gotten a lot of comments (usually from people around my age) saying I'm "weird" or "strange" because of the fact I haven't say the "L" word to my girlfriend. And what's even more strange is that Nicole haven't say the word to me either. Guess in a way we're "perfect" for each other because we're just that weird.

Truth is, I don't see the reason or need to rush and say the word. I've said before, "Love, like hate, is a strong emotion and I truly believe if used in the wrong context, you can hurt the person you are talking to. And worse, you may hurt yourself." With things that happened in my life, I don't see a reason in hurting myself more than things already did. This word can wait and Nicole and I are doing fine without it. We say what we mean and what's on our mind. We still laugh and smile when either of us say something funny. We're a good couple without the word and well...when the time comes, I think this word will makes us stronger than ever before.

So, for now, neither of us is saying the word.
And let's make sure it stays that way until either of us truly mean it.

Also check out my friend, Kert's blog. She wrote an entry on this topic also. Read Kert's entry and let her know what you think!