Memory Visit

Dad, Sarah, and I spend the weekend in Oklahoma. Yesterday was Dad's birthday and he planned something for the entire family to enjoy.

We left Grandparents' house early on Friday morning and drove to Stillwater, Oklahoma, where Mom spend her undergrad years there. After eating lunch at Red Lobster, Dad took me around town. We took what he called a "memory visit" and went around the places that Mom loved, that Dad and Mom went and enjoyed the nice weather in Stillwater.

We ate Dinner at one of Mom's favorite place, Eskimo Joe's and walked around downtown Stillwater. Dad told me things about Mom that I never knew before. He told me about Mom's college days, he told me about Mom's love for OSU football and her love for her major and the people around her. Dad even told me how he and Mom met. About their first date and their first OSU football game.

We spend rest of the night and morning in our hotel room. (Which I must say that I am extremely impressed with Best Western. Our room was accessible, had a roll-in shower, lowered vanity areas and toilet. It doesn't get anymore accessible than this) Dad slept for most of the time, I think he just needed to catch up on his sleep from all the missions and the miles we covered within these few days.

Yesterday we ate small breakfast in the hotel and spend time in the pool area. I think Sarah loves the water as much as Mom does. We dropped off Sarah at one of Dad's friend's house and drove to Boone Pickens Stadium, where we met a few of Mom and Dad's friends for a tailgate party. Yesterday was the big game, OSU vs. Oklahoma and trust me, the tailgate party doesn't get any better than that.

We had a great time. Mom's friends talked about Mom as if she was their own sister. We ate, drink, and celebrated life. We celebrated the game and at the same time, celebrate Dad's birthday and the memory of Mom.

We didn't get back to our room until late. I helped Dad get a new plan with Verizon and canceled the phone plan he had with Mom. I think even though Dad seems excited about his new Blackberry Bold 9650, he was sad and hesitant of taking this step. The step of canceling something that Mom had. I think we were both hesitant but it's just another step in our lives. And we're taking it very slowly.

We drove home early this morning then got a bunch of baby proof items to baby proof the house. Sarah's getting active, wanting to walk everywhere herself so I think it's that time we actually baby proof the house.

Truth be told, I haven't heard Dad talk this much in a long time.
It was a good weekend.

Happy Birthday Dad
and thank you, Mama.

Enjoy this week's Weekly Tunes:
Forever by John Michael Montgomery

Our First Thanksgiving

You can say that today was our first Thanksgiving. Sarah's "first" Thanksgiving and walking around my Grandparents' place like there's no tomorrow. And of course, our first Thanksgiving without Mom. Or rather, with Angel Mama.

Wednesday early morning, we started the drive to my Grandparents. The drive was nothing too crazy, just a long drive and we only stopped once. Dad and I got some Whataburger before heading back on the road again.

We got to Grandparents' place late Wednesday afternoon. Before we went out to dinner, Dad, Sarah, and I went out and visited Mom. We brought her flowers, gave her some cards, left her a Whataburger napkin (because we both know how much Mom loves Whataburger) and talked. We told her how much we all miss her and told her how we are doing. Sarah sat near her grave maker as if sitting on Mom's lap. We talked, we smiled, and cried.

Grandma brought a lot of food this Thanksgiving because we were expecting not only family, but friends at the same time. Aside from family, we were expecting 3 other families. So trust me, Grandma went all out. She brought 2-30lb turkeys, 2-20lb ham, and made 6 pies (though one was said to be our taste test pies, so we finished one pie last night)

Today, I had a chance to head out and said hi to Airborne. He was still the good horse I remembered and he sure love 'em sugar cubes I kept giving him. I could tell he wanted to go for a ride but weather just didn't permit this time. Sorry, Airborne, we'll ride next time. We spend the most day away from the kitchen (orders from Grandma) and spend time with family playing Wii and PS3 and watched football.

And the dinner? Let's just say that I am more than stuffed.
We spend rest of the night eating, talking, and just enjoying the time we have as family. We talked about anything and everything. Including Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and so on. It was a mix of great food, family, and friends. Definitely good way to spend Thanksgiving.

After people left Grandparents' place and the clean up process. We sat in the lounge, enjoyed some coffee and talked more. We talked about those deployed and how they love their pies and turkey. We talked about what happened at previous Thanksgivings and of course, we talked about the ones we lost. We shared their memories and their laughs, we kept their memory alive.

We found things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving and not only for Thanksgiving, for rest of our lives.

Happy Thanksgiving, Mama.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

If You Know the Address to Heaven...

“…those who are dead are not dead. They just live in my head…”

I think ever since I heard that song by Coldplay, those two lines are forever embedded in my head. Because when I have the days when I miss Mom, miss my family and friends, I think of this line:

“They just live in my head…”

I swear that makes me sound like I’m psycho. Don’t it?

Some nights ago, as I was trying to retrieve one of my textbook from my book case, my copy of Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell fell to the ground and with it, a letter, addressing to me.

It was another one of Mom’s letters, hidden and waiting for me to discover it.

Sweetheart,

I know at times you hurt and I hurt with you. I know your heart aches when you can no longer hear my voice. I know your heart aches more when your friends are with their Moms. And how I wish I can be there for you, for your Dad, and for Sarah. But I now sit with God and watch over you, sweetheart. No matter where you are in the world, I am always with you.

Remember when you were five, when I had to go on business trips, you would always want to know if you could come along? Your curiosity always tends to wonder what I will be doing and whether or not there will be presents for you when I come back. On top of all that, you always wanted to write to me, said that your words will make me come back quicker.

What a bundle of joy, innocent, and curiosity you were, honey. Your never ending strive to do your best made you stand out from your classmates and friends. Your never ending friendship and love for those around you made you an instant friend to all. On top of that, your words are truly wise beyond your age, honey. I read all your blogs and was in tears of just how proud I am of your work and of you. (And I’m not just saying that because I’m your Mama!) I always looked forward to reading your words and your work. How I wish I can do that today. But don’t worry, even when I am not near, I am always reading your blogs and your writings. Just remember what I said, honey, that words and freedom of speech are one of the most important freedom that a person can have in this country. Many people died fighting for that freedom and one of the things you can do to honor them is to continue writing and practice your freedom of speech.

I am never far from you, Sarah, or your Dad. Remember, sweetheart, no matter where you go in the world, I will be right there with you. Keep writing, even when your heart is not in the right place, write, because I am always looking forward to reading your words.

Keep writing, sweetheart. I look forward reading your work.
A few letters won’t hurt either, honey. If it’s from you, I’ll love it
Your Mama

Though reading letters like this makes me sad and miss Mom like never before but at the same time it makes me proud to call her my Mama. The letter got me thinking about writing her letters. So that afternoon, I stopped by a coffee shop and wrote her some letters.

There was only one problem…

I had no clue where to address the letters or how.
What’s the address to Heaven?

Then I thought maybe I should start another blog and I can put the letters on that blog…
I don’t know…I can hardly keep track of the two blogs I currently have, how am I going to maintain one more?
I don’t know…we’ll see.

If you know the address to Heaven, please let me know.
Thanks.

Some "Me" Time

Spend most of today and yesterday staring and looking at what once made me whole. Looked at what made me smile with joy and at times, full of anger when we lose a game. As I stared at the middle of the field and looked at the field goals, I could hear the crowd, wild on their feet. I could hear the cheerleaders screaming on the top of their lungs. I could hear my teammates shouting both praise and threats to each other. And in ways, I think those treats go farther than the praise ever did. I stared in the field and for a moment I was happy then an amount of pain flow through my body. It was as if someone wiped all the fans, the cheerleaders, and teammates away. And I was alone again out in that field.

Every so often, it'd hurt.
And at times, it hurts all the time.

It hurts when I wonder what it'd be like to run around the corner.
It hurts when I think about where I would be today if I enlisted in the Army.
It hurts when I see my friends in 'em JROTC/ROTC uniform and PT uniform and wonder what it'd be like to be 'em right now.

I hurt cause I envy 'em.
I hurt cause I wish I can be 'em.
I hurt cause I am jealous of 'em.

But that don't mean I don't wish 'em well.
Good luck and good huntin', Midshipmen Harting

I sat there, stared, and I thought a lot about everything.

Monday's Mom's birthday. I sat in the quiet and I could hear her voice in the bleachers, cheering me on. She was a Southern girl and loved football and never played a doll. I sat there, and I could hear her voice, cheering me on to run that extra yard. I can see her run down the bleachers, too, just to give me a big hug no matter how well or horrible I did. I can feel her kiss me on the cheeks saying, "You did a great job and I am so proud of you."

I sat there and sang her Happy Birthday.

I got home earlier this evening with Mom's favorite cake, a small piece of Tiramisu, and while Sarah sat on my lap, we sang her a Happy Birthday song again. Then I told Sarah about Mom.

I'm just making the best of this week.
And the week after that.
And the week after that.
And for as long as I can.

I love you, Mama.

Week of August 8th, 2010

Yesterday I decided to take a trip with Sarah in honor and memory of Mom. One of the many special thing I used to do with Mom is just to take a random trips. Trips where there is no particular destination. We just drive and stop when we wanted to and stop when we discover a place that's cool or places that's just Heaven on Earth and undiscovered by the majority of the population.

Sarah and I took that trip today. Needless to say we stop by the mall and the Apple Store (Again, I got hooked on the iPad they had on display) so I can get new headphones but we took the trip and found an amazing place that is truly Heaven on Earth and that was when I decided to keep this secret place between Sarah and myself. And when Dad gets home, we can make this our family secret spot.

On the way home, I thought of Mom and Dad. I've always looked up to 'em for guidance and need but slowly I realized I am learning more from them than I initially believed. I see the love and relationship between 'em that can not be broken by deployments, sickness, or even death. And not too long ago, I vouched for myself to do the same in the future.

This song reminds me of my parents' love for each other. No matter the time, no matter the distance, I have a feeling they'll love each other till the day after forever. And I also have a feeling this is what Mom said to Dad when they last talked.

Oooh if our maker calls and takes me,
And leaves you here alone,
Don't be sad because I'm not that far away,
Once again hand in hand we'll walk the far side of the moon,
I look forward to lookin' back with you,
Oh baby,
I look forward to lookin' back with you.


Craig Morgan's Lookin' Back With You

I love you Mama

Happy Mother's Day

I know I am a day early but I'll be flying home in a couple hours so I thought I'd write this now.

First off, Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there.

We have a Mother's Day tradition (in fact, I realized we have a lot of traditions and well, this is one of 'em) in our family.

I can remember when I was a kid, I would make the card days before Mother's Day. I would pretend that I didn't care or forgot about such Holiday. And the night before, I'd sneak the card in Mom's purse and pretend I didn't know anything about it. On the day of, if Dad is home, we'd let Mom sleep in and then make her breakfast in bed. For the rest of the day, we'd bring Mom to anywhere she'd wanted to go and we'd go out for a nice dinner. After dinner, we'd come home with a huge Tiramisu (Mom's favorite dessert) and have Mom open the Mother's Day cards while we enjoy treats and maybe watch a movie or something. If Dad wasn't home, I would still "take" Mom out and "buy" her dinner and still "buy" her that Tiramisu. I can hear myself saying, "This cake please! For my Mommy on Mother's Day! Mama...can I have money? See, mama, I bought this for you!"

Such silly thing.

As I got older, the tradition continued. No matter how busy we were with PCS or where we were in the world. We always some how find the huge piece of Tiramisu and share it as a family while Mom open up the cards we made/bought for her.

Dad seemed to have his own traditions too. On top of the Tiramisu, flowers are a must. And towards the end of the night, Dad would take Mom out for a drive. I didn't know where they were going when I was young but years later I found out Dad would drive Mom to a very special place he found and share the time with Mom.

This year, I didn't plan on doing anything different. I knew I wanted to carry on the tradition for Mom. And that maybe in Heaven, she would love our Mother's Day tradition. And just like they were reading my mind, my Grandparents told me they wanted me at their place during Mother's Day weekend. They told me they already bought the flight there and all I needed to do was pack up some of my stuff, some of Sarah's stuff, and of course take Dosh along. So yesterday, I flew down to my Grandparents'.

So, the tradition continues.

During the flight I made a Mother's Day card for Mom. After I got to my Grandparents' at the early hours of Saturday, I stopped by and see Mom and told her I decided to skip school just to come and see her. And knowing her, she would see right through me to know I'm here to continue our tradition. To my surprise, a card and some flowers were already sitting by Mom's grave. A card to "My Sweetheart. My Love. My Best Friend"

Wonder who left it...

Saturday morning at oh-bright-hundred, I woke up and made breakfast and brought it out to Mom. Sarah, Dosh, and I sat next to Mom and had our breakfast together. I told Mom about a lot of things that's on my mind and told her how much I missed her. And Sarah had that look on her face. I don't know what the look meant but...well just that look. Anyways, after helping Grandpa picked out something for Gramdma's Mother's Day gift, I went out and bought a huge piece of Tiramisu. And after dinner, I brought the Tiramisu and the card to Mom. I sat near her, ate Tiramisu, showed her the card I made her and cried.

Happy Mother's Day, Mama. Hope you enjoyed the Tiramisu. I miss you every day and over this weekend, a hell of a lot more. I love you, Mama, Happy Mother's Day

I found this comic online. I think it says a lot about all the Moms out there:

So once again, to all the Moms in the world, Happy Mother's Day.

To all the kids in the world: hug, kiss, and thank your Mom every single day. Don't wait till it's too late.

Scaring the Shit Out of Me

I'm in a writing mood so this is going to be a long blog. Don't worry about reading it if you don't feel like it. I just feel like writing.

When you're a kid, I think you tend to enjoy the story told by other people, especially by your grandparents. I don't know about anyone else but I sure love listening to my grandparents' stories. There's just something about their stories (maybe because they are grandparents? Haha) that would capture my mind every single time, no matter how many times they repeat it.

As technology got better by the year, I tried to teach my Grandparents what I know about computers, emails, phones, and so on in hopes that I can bring 'em joy to learning new things as they bring me joy for telling me about the past. They love the idea of today's phones and ability to call anyone in the world within minutes. (As my Great-Grandpa tells it "PHONES?! PHONES?! WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, YOU RUN TO THE PERSON'S HOUSE TO TALK TO 'EM! PHONES, HA, WHAT A JOKE!")

But when it comes computers and emails, I guess they're not ready to learn these new technologies yet. My Grandparents still don't know how to turn ON the computer let along USE one to get online, use Skype, and other good programs the computer offers. Guess it's going to be awhile before they catch on to this new idea. (You should hear my Grandpa rant about how he knew the M3 Stuart like the back of his own hands, now "this machine...this horrible machine!" haha :P)

There is a reason behind all my madness. If I can get my Grandparents to use the computer, there would be less money spend on say...postage (though I must say getting snail mail is still pretty cool) or even phone bills (Thank you Skype!) And with the amount of times we move around, emails and say text? (haha, can't wait till I have to explain that to my Grandparents) would be easier to communicate. But guess we'll just have to wait till that happens.

So, my Grandparents tends to just call us when they wish to talk. I don't mind that, I love talking to my Grandparents (even if it means staying on the phone for hours) but when they start going into story mode, that's usually when I put everything down to listen to what they have to say. (Telephone stories ain't better than stories live but hey, better than no stories!)

And that's how it was on Monday (December 7th) and I'm sure many of you already know which day it was. As President FDR said it man years ago, December 7th is "A Date Which Will Live in Infamy" Now my Grandparents didn't know each other when the attack on Pearl Harbor happened, but they sure got some nice story to tell. So for hours, my Grandparents each told their own story as if they were right in the house with us. And if you can believe it or not, the stories still captured my mind and full attention.

I think it's a skill, to be able to tell stories through the phone and still have everyone flabbergasted, ya it takes skills.

Sure makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to tell stories like my Grandparents. And also makes me wonder if Sarah will love their stories like I am now.

Second:

I have said it before, people give me more credit than I deserve in this life time. I'm not as smart as people think I am and I have done many things I regret. I have found that when people see my grades or test scores, they assume I am smart. They assume I get the materials that's taught by the teacher or every little things in life. Most of the time, I don't get it at all. A simple material needs to be reviewed by me many times before it finally register in my mind and that's just how I am, sorry if I throw you off.

What got me wonder the most is when people ask me "are you trying to convince me you don't get this? are you trying to say you're really that stupid?" It seem to be one of the popular questions of this semester. I truly don't know how to answer that one but, "yes I guess I am really that stupid."

Guys, I'm not as smart as you think I am and if that means give me less credit, please do so. My grades...I work my butt off for 'em. My scores, study for hours to get the score I want. I truly am a lot less than what people give me credit for. I'm not born smart or with a talent, I just work my butt off every time.

Third:

I think ever since Sean's passing, cancer's been a touchy subject for a lot of us. A difficult enough thing for us to deal with even if it's just on TV. (During Thanksgiving, as soon as we saw a commercial about cancer, we would switch the channel just to avoid hearing it) It's not that we don't wish to talk about Sean and how great of a person he was, but really, this subject is just something we as a family try to avoid.

But it's the when you least expect it, it hits you the hardest. Going through my Favorites on Twitter one night, I saw a tweet of me and Sean making caricature designs. And as I clicked on Sean's design I froze. Because that design is now a perfect world thing.

In a perfect world, Sean would still be alive.
In a perfect world, that family would not be missing a wonderful son and little boy.
In a perfect world, kids like Sean wouldn't have to suffer.
In a perfect world, shit like this just don't happen.

I sure miss the little guy. Every day, little things I do reminds me of him. The weather, the cars, homework, everything. And boy, what I would do to see him again. Maybe play a little football, race around the block, or just hang out like we used to, I'd do anything to see the little guy again. And I'm sure everyone is feeling the same thing, especially Sean's parents.

Forth and last:

Awhile ago, I wrote something about Dreams and Nightmares. The dreams (nightmares, whatever you want to call 'em) haven't stopped. And somehow, my brain is playing 'em like a movie and a broken record.

Someone once DM me on Twitter and asked me if I ever thought of maybe having PTSD. I told her "No" because these little things I go through is nothing compare to what my Dad or other people gone through. I don't need help, they need help because they deserve it. That person told me, "This is about you, no one else in the world, it's about you."

Maybe she's right.

This morning, Mom asked me if I was doing ok and truly ok. She told me she's concerned about me and there are a few things that she just can't keep ignoring. I don't know why I lied to her but I told her I'm fine. I didn't correct myself or told her sorry that I lied. I lied straight to my Mother's face and she accepted the lie.

I'm changing and it's scaring the shit out of me. It's making my parents worry. And worse, it's making me lose many friends I've made.

Tonight will mark the third time someone tell me (both online and in person) "You make no sense." Truth is...I know I make no sense. I don't make sense to myself. I'm changing to someone I'm not familiar with and it's scaring the shit out of me. This isn't the person I grew up with and know. This ain't me at all.

I'm changing and it's scaring the shit out of me.

Halloween

First, I hope everyone had a happy and safe Halloween. :D

In my family, we ain't really big on candy. When I was younger, we would go out Trick or Treatin' but after I think I got to 5th grade, that just stopped. Since I'm not huge on candy, I guess I don't really have a huge lost in it.

I think as I grow older, the idea of getting candy is just not really huge anymore. Ya I may still dress up and go out to get candy, but really, I think the idea is all about hanging with friends. And though the MPs want to make sure that we older kids don't get in trouble, we still manage to find ways to mess up houses without getting in trouble.

Those were the days, thinking back to my first costume, I was only a kid dressing up in my Dad's BDU, I can't imagine me doing anything else. Just putting it that costume on made me believe I really was a soldier.

Crazy Times

Those were the times ain't it.

As I got older, we made it a family tradition to carve pumpkins. At first we weren't that good, using cut outs and other people's idea to go about our pumpkin carving fun. Then as years go on, we started to expand our designs to more than just the old fashion Jack-o'-lanterns.

Family Favorite

Even when Dad's gone during Halloween, Mom and I manage to get pumpkin carving to our own. I can still remember carving pumpkin at the hospital, Mom sneak in a small pumpkin so she and I could carve it together. (Needless to say I was too knock out from the meds to do anything. But still was fund memory)

This year, I invited some friends over. We sat around deciding on different things to do. A friend carved some Pokémons while another carved out his favorite college football team. I sat there and couldn't decide which one to do.

And it came to me like a whisper in the wind. I ended up decided on doing an Autobot. With a help of a friend, we managed to carve out a good looking Autobot right on the pumpkin. But with a slip, the top of the Autobot's head fell off.

Find where we went wrong

That did not make me happy at all. There was a reason I picked Autobot because Sean loved Transformers. It was in my mind to do something in his honor and memory. So needless to say I wasn't happy when it first broke.

But as the night went on, I guess it was ok. A lot of the kids that came to our house knew it was a Transformer and glad they loved it. After all, it's for 'em to see.

But as kids continue to knock on our door, every single one of 'em reminds me of Sean. The little costume, the little voice that barely whispers "Happy Halloween." and the smile when they get to pick out their own candy out of the basket. Every single one of 'em reminded me of Sean. Not sure if I should or how I can shake that feeling. I love it when I feel he's right next to me but at the same time, I ache for many different reasons.

Happy Halloween, buddy
I'll save some candy for you, kiddo.

Halloween Football! Winning team is in bold.
Army- Bye Week (Prepping for the game against AF!)
Maryland- Bye Week
Washington- Bye Week
Alabama- Bye Week

Ohio St v New Mexico St, 45-0

Virginia Military Institute v Charleston Southern, 31-21

Navy v Temple, 27-24
Texas A&M v Iowa State, 35-10
Texas Tech v Kansas, 42-21
Florida v Georgia, 41-17 Freaking awesome catch by Cooper!

Great Catch by Cooper!

Cal at Arizona St, 23-21
UMiami at Wake Forest, 28-27 Good win Hurricanes!
Michigan at Illinios, 38-13

Air Force at Colorado St, 34-16
UCLA at Oregon St, 26-19

Oklahoma v Kansas St, 42-30

LSU v Tulane, 42-0
USC at Oregon, 47-20 Really glad USC got their butt kicked. GO DUCKS!

We're All Hurting

I've never been a fan of silence. When the room is too quiet, I tend to listen to music or TV. Even if I'm not watching the show or the movie, I just like the background noise.

I went to pick up my Aunt and Uncle this evening. The drive there was strange, reminds me of the days I'd drive up in the dark nights to go see Sean. It reminded me of the nights I'd sit in my room wondering if I should drive up to the hospital just to see Sean. Makes me wonder if the school events I went to was worth it, if staying at home was worth it.

Was it?

Homecoming should be happy, should be joyful, full of hugs, kisses, and happy tears. It sure is different today. I saw my Uncle and Aunt, both in uniform, being thanked by strangers for doing what they do. And on their faces, I can see the sadness and urge to see Sean again. I gave 'em both a hug and went on towards the car. There was no words, none at all as we got in the car. I didn't ask how their flight as, if they are hungry, tired, I didn't. Because somehow, I knew all their answer would be "okay"

The trip was an half an hour drive and well it felt like hours. There was a cold silent in the car, a silent I didn't dare to break. It was one of the strangest drive, ever.

"Sure is nice to be stateside." My Uncle said and nothing more.

There still wasn't anything being said once we get home. I got stuff ready so my Aunt/Uncle can settle in. While Mom and Aunt cooked, my Uncle and I sat there and flip through the channels of the TV. Even through dinner, there was a strange silence.

I was told to do my homework that the adults will take over what's needed to be done. I didn't argue, though I had no mind to do my homework or write my college essays. I had no intend of doing any homework anytime soon but I didn't argue. Went into my room and sat at my desk, staring at my homework and wondering a lot about life and beyond.

I heard my Uncle said that he's going out for a smoke. And out of nowhere, I heard a cry. My Uncle's a Marine, he's a typical jarhead, tough, rough, and no emotion, ever. And there I was, sitting in my room, hearing my Uncle cry right outside my window.

I know he'll never admit this incident, I know I may never physically see him crying anywhere, but I know, we're all hurting.

Sean, buddy, see, your parents are home. They miss you and I'm sure they are proud of you. We all are.

Update:
Sean's always been a fan of my grandparents ranch down in Texas. After much discussion, Sean's parents have decided to cremate Sean's body then spread his ashes at the ranch. Sean's a huge fan of horses and love to be around 'em. I think it's this a good decision and fully support Sean's parents for it.

The memorial service will be tomorrow and it will be small and private. Since on such short notice, Sean's parents understand if there are family members that can not make it to the service. After the cremation ceremony, Sean's parents will be flying out to my grandparents' ranch to spread the ashes. They encourage everyone to be thinking of their love ones not only tomorrow but every single day, to know that life is precious and family is precious.

For family members and friends who like to support. Sean's parents wish for all to support their local children hospitals or St. Jude's in their fight to beat childhood cancer.

After all, all children should live carefree.

Side note:
We're all thankful for the support that our friends have given us. Thank you all for continuing to offer to help, your kind words, and more. Since Sean's parents leave only last a few days, please do not contact 'em in any way. We all just wish to put Sean in his resting place and slowly, move on with our lives. All inquires please contact me, my information can be found on the right side of the blog. Thank you all very much, we can't thank you all enough.

Not tired, can't sleep, don't know why.

I don't know why I can't sleep, why I'm not tired and why everything else.

Just thought I could leave this post happy and good things, the person I want to see the least showed up. I don't know what her problem is, I don't want to see her and she just don't seem to understand. Her, meaning my ex girlfriend from junior high. Yes you heard me right, from junior high. Her Dad got stationed in Germany but hey, since it's summer and she and her mom is on vacation visiting her grandparents, she thought "it'd be fun" to come and track me down and "just say hi".

I don't need someone who I haven't seen since 8th grade (that's what, 4 years?) show up on my life and have a "surprise" for me. She didn't even know I got hurt, she doesn't know a lot of things and her showing up. Boy...it was a mess and I did not want to re-live how I got hurt down to the deepest detail.

I took her off post to Sonic and just like a stranger that don't know anything about my injury, she stared without asking any questions. That upsets me more than one who ask questions none stop. I am not a statue nor am I a stone. Staring at me with that look in the eyes doesn't help. We just sat there for an hour, and for once, she had nothing to say. She just stared at me and I stared back.

When will society and the people learn not to stare quietly? When will society and the people learn to stare and ask questions? I wonder if I'll live that long to see it happen.

As I'm sitting in my room, looking around what was once a room full of trophies, posters, it's strange to say that for some reason, I have never felt the feeling I am feeling now. This house belongs to the government, it belongs to the Army, and as I'm sitting in my chair staring at the walls, I wonder if the years I lived here made a difference for the house.

I'm a brat and really, lived in many different houses already in my life. But for once, I am wondering about the people who lived in this house before me and wonder who will be living here after me. I wonder if the things I've done in this house will make any memories for others and the house itself. Somehow, I felt as if the houses I live are like letters and my family and many others are the post office stamps that leave marks on these "letters".

There's a saying "The walls have ears" and sitting in my chair at 0250, I wonder if they can hear me. I wonder if what I say to it now will make a difference. I wonder if I tell them my darkest, deepest secret, they'll hold it in the wall spaces and someday, think of me.

And for some strange reason, I have the biggest urge to put my hand against the wall, kiss it, and cry. I sure am going to miss this house. I really am.

Talking, kissing, crying to walls...I think I'm going nuts. Am I?
I bet I am...