Our Danger Zone

I think we all have a time in our lives when we realize we ain't cut out for something we'd like to do. And for that moment myths become facts. For that moment, mysteries become realities.

Earlier this afternoon, I came home to a frantic call from Nicole. I could tell she's been crying because I did not understand a single word she left on the answering machine. First words she said to me when I called her back was...

"I can't do this, babe, I can't do this."

After several minutes of attempting to calm her down, it was clear that there was nothing I can say that will make her stop crying. So for 5 minutes straight, I sat there and let her cried. I let her cry till she said,

"Fool cut it out, you must be crazy."

Man I knew there were reasons why I like Nicole, she took lyrics right out of one of my favorite songs.

I said, "Crazy about you." And finally, something I've been waiting to hear from her, a small laugh. Funny how we both knew which song each other was referring to.

So, for the afternoon, we talked like we never did before. She told me her worse fears: the realization that she might not be cut out for her MOS, the realization that she might not be cut out for OSUT, the realization that she might not be cut out for the Army, and so much more.

Funny how much we can convince ourselves that these sayings are true if we just repeat it over and over again. And within our minds, what we once thought were our calling becomes out regrets and fears. I guess that's why we all need someone to shake us free from the negative beliefs, the negative vibe and reassure us that our calling is what we truly know and love.

And that's why I did, I shook Nicole out of her zone. I told her that everything will be alright, that she IS cut out for this job and there WAS a reason she went down to the recruiter's office AND sign the enlistment papers.

She sounded skeptical but hopefully one day, she'll thank me. We ended the call with our usual kisses and with some skepticism still in her voice, she said "Thank you, babe."

You're welcome, sweetheart.

This zone is our Danger Zone, this zone that many of us have been in or are in right now. We all need someone to shove us out of this Danger Zone. None of us may handle the Danger Zone all by ourselves and I hope that no one out in the world will ever have to. Makes me wonder, who shoved you out of the zone? Who did you shove out of this zone? and well...who shoved me out of the Danger Zone? or will someone ever do so?

I hope so.

Last thing before I end this blog. Out of the request (or rather demand) of my parents, I can't tell you here (or on Twitter) what's going on in the family right now. But if you pray, please pray for us. If you don't please send some positive vibes out our way, we surely need it. Thank you.

Another side to the brat life

This is the second day I got woke up by Mom after having gone to bed. She had some strange cravings that must be conquered at this early in the morning and well now I can't sleep.

So I got thinking and the more things I thought about the more shit I'm wondering about the other side to this brat life.

As I wrote before, when I was a kid, everything seems so perfect, even with the moving around and Dad gone all the time. In fact, I think that's how all kids are, young, innocent, and don't got a single worry on their mind. But when we reach a certain age we start to wonder and questions start to form. The series of questions are probably and most likely started off with, "Where is Daddy/Mommy going?"

Then we get older, we continue to ask our questions but at the same time, we're making statements. "My Dad is fighting the bad guys, is your Mommy or Daddy doing the same thing too?" or something of the sort. And before we know it, we're in junior high and high school and finally realize some extreme difficult questions we might have to face. Some questions like, "If Dad does not make it back home, what will happen to Mom and me? What do I have to do to keep Mom strong?" and so forth.

And just as the questions start to form, so does our responsibilities. From the time we are born, we are surrounded by the idea of "Army" or any other branches. As a kid we do what we do best, being a kid and do what we want to do when we want to. (as long as it's following the rules of course) And as we get older, we will one day realize the greater responsibilities when one or sometimes both our parents are deployed.

Stuff like laundry, school, chores and other simple tasks will mostly feel like you're building a pyramid on your own. With one or both of your parents gone makes it that much difficult. And while you're seeing your friends loosing their parents, in the back of your mind you are hoping you will never get that phone call or never get that knock on the door. Trust me, that makes chores that much harder.

Lately I haven't had the mind to write anything and trust me that can't be a good thing with AP testing just a week away. I'm taking US History AP test which means the DBQs -Document Based Questions- if you've taken the test you'll know what I mean. When Mom told me that we have to move again during the summer, it felt like my world is coming apart. Part from school, I was hanging the moving processes, studying for the AP test, and on top of it, worry about my social life and what will happen after I move. While most juniors are worrying about college, I am thinking about the rest of my junior year, my friends here and now, college, moving, going through the list of things to do, my senior year and so much more. It was only a matter of time when all this will stack up and bite me where the sun don't shine.

And it did.

Life got caught up with me and without knowing it I didn't have time to think about what I need to do. I went on autopilot and almost end up killing myself. (Long story short, I forgot to use the bathroom at the time I was supposed to and end up blocking the catheter and it turned out to be a mess and that lead me to getting to the ER.)

School, living this life, college, life at home all added up to almost forgetting myself and killing myself. I wonder now if this is healthy. I can't help it, I put people before me. I put my family before me and as soon as I knew about the move, I had to make sure everything will go as smoothly as it can go. And yet, I realize I must take care of myself because without me, my mom, my Dad, this entire system would fail. And I am doing my best now to keep myself healthy and in the same time, get things done.

Going back to what I was saying earlier, I got woke up again for the two night in a row. Why? A couple days ago, I was told by my Mom that she is pregnant and though she would have told me earlier, she wanted to talk to my Dad first. After so long, she finally had the chance to tell me that soon, I will no longer be an only child, I would have to be a big brother for the newborn.

Just like that, I went from a high school junior to being a Dad. I took the liberty of what my Dad would normally be doing and put it on my shoulders. From looking at baby items to full filling Mom's late night cravings. She's eating for two now and me, I am working for four: Dad, Mom, my younger sibling, and of course, me.

Meanwhile some kids are complaining about the worries of applying to colleges. What is wrong with that picture...

I have never thought the idea of being a big brother would be so difficult. As I lay in bed, I couldn't help but wonder what the later years would be like. What would it be like when my younger brother or sister finally ask the ultimate question. "What happened to Matt, why can't he walk? Why can't his fingers move like mine?" What would I answer...how would I explain everything.

Just the idea of holding a baby in my arms scares me. What if I drop the baby, what happens when I can't even hold on tight enough and loose grip? Really...I am not ready to be a big brother, not at all.

And at this point, with everything going on, I am not sure if I can do anything right at all.

Welcome to the true brat life Matt...no more innocent and carefree days.
Welcome to the Army.

I'm finally home

After being in the hospital for more than two weeks, I’m finally home. I can’t believe how much I miss the house, the food, my dog, and even small things like my desk and bed. It’s good to be home. Good thing I never pack heavy. Because by the time I got home, boy, was I out of it and had no intentions of cleaning up what I brought with me to the hospital.

Ever since I was a kid, I knew how to pack and I knew how to pack well. With us moving all the time, I had to learn quickly what we need and what we can carry compare to what I want and what I want to carry. And after I got hurt, with the many hospital and rehab stays, I’ve learned to pack even lighter. Meaning, pack only the essentials. So, early this morning, I got back in my chair (with no help or anyone watching over me, awesome, I’m starting to go back to my old self) and started packing.

Like I said, I packed light. All I had was some toiletries, clothes, my laptop, a couple get-well cards from my friends, and of course, homework. I think I was gone packing hours before Mom said she was going to pick me up, around her lunchtime. So I just sat in my chair, talked to a friend online, reviewed my notes for the upcoming tests, revised my essays and sat waiting, extremely anxious just to get the hell out of the hospital.

Around 1030 this morning, I finally heard what I was waiting for. My nurse came to the door, knocked and asked, “You ready to leave? You know I’m going to miss you.” And with a smile, I turned my chair around was going to say “Ya sure you do.” But I stopped. Someone I didn’t expect was standing right beside the nurse. I didn’t even know, I had no clue.

Dad is home.

Boy if you could see the look on my face, I was surprised and extremely shocked. Dad’s home, wow….Dad’s home.

And for the month he was gone, I wondered where he was. I wondered how he was, what he was doing, how he was doing and so much more. I even wondered if he knew what happened to me and why I had to got this most recent surgery. But when I saw Dad standing at the door of my room, I didn’t care about any of it, he was home and that is the best thing of all.

But whenever Dad comes home from a deployment, there was always an extreme awkwardness between him and me. Someone said it was normal, for how many months he might be gone, not knowing when he will be home, it’s going to be awkward. I try to make the best of the situation and create less of a space between us by filling him in on what has been happening at school, at home, and everything in between. While most of the time I’d start the conversation, I didn’t this time. This time, he did.

“Son, I’m only home for 36 hours, let’s make the best of it.”

And with that said, I didn’t know whether I should fill him in or not. 36 hours only meant this was just a short time to make the best of everything. 36 hours only meant that he was going to leave soon and just another chance for me to wonder when he’ll be home next. So I thought hard about it…whether to fill him in or not. And I had to say something.

“Yes, sir.” I answered him, “I sure will.”

During the short ride from the hospital to Mom’s office, I filled Dad in best I could. I told Dad what was happening at school, what is going to happen soon (i.e prom, AP tests, and such) and what my college plans are. I even had the chance to fill him in on the March Madness he missed. (Months ago Dad and I made a bet. Bet was, if Duke moves onto Final Four this year, I would get Dad’s pay for the month. If they don’t, I was to get at least 3.8 GPA on my second semester report card. Guess Dad knew it all along because Duke lost to Villanova just last night) When he heard that, Dad chuckled and said, “I told you, now remember our deal.” I just nodded, bet was a bet.

There were a few seconds of silence then Dad asked.

“What happened when your mother was on her business trip?”

My mouth glued shut and I felt as if my heart was in my throat. I had planned to tell Dad when he comes home for good, not for 36 hours.

“Son, what happened when your mother was on her business trip?” He asked again then continued. “You know I am going to read about it, hear about it from the MPs and other people anyways, so why not just tell me now. What happened, son?”

I still didn’t know what to answer. I did nothing wrong when Mom left for her business trip a month ago. I didn’t but someone else did, a group of someone else. And right there and then I didn’t want to remember what happened but mostly, I didn’t want to trouble Dad. 36 hours isn’t very long and I didn’t want to trouble him with what happened.

“Son, I am asking you a question.”

So I told him. I told him the incident and about the surgery. I told him everything and left nothing out. I desperately tried to reassure Dad that I was all right and that surgery was over, bed rest was over and everything can go back to like it was before. I am fine now but I guess Dad had something else in mind, a lawsuit.

“I will be talking to your Mom about this.”

This is not how I want Dad to spend his 36 hours home. So I finally said, “Dad, don’t, it’s over now. Just forget it, I’m fine. I haven’t miss anything at school, I’ll do more PT. Dad, you’re home for 36 hours, I don’t want you to leave thinking about this, you don’t need to be thinking of this when you’re gone. Plus…”

I still cannot believe I said that. What happened to me? What happened the me that did not care about anything before? Where did that Matt go? Are those words really coming out of my mouth?

“Plus, it’d be easier on Mom, with you gone and everything. She doesn't need the extra stress.”

I think I surprised Dad also because for a moment, he was lost for words. Then finally, he asked me if I was feeling good enough to go out for lunch or maybe we should just head home. I reassured him I was fine and he told me just before he went to grab mom.

“I will talk to your Mom about this but thank you for your input.”

Now I’m hoping he will actually listen to me this time.

After seeing how surprised Mom was, I don’t think she had any appetite to eat lunch. Still, Dad brought us out to a quick meal of KFC (since Mom had to go back to work). We ate, talked, and for that short lunch period, our family was a family again and it felt amazing. But work is work so we dropped Mom off soon after. Since it is Friday, we all agreed to Family Friday Movie night. But that gave Dad and me more than seven hours to spend together. And we did just that.

After a nice dinner from this sushi place, we went home, sat down, watched a movie. I knew Dad didn’t had a lot of time. I just excused myself from the movie and went back in my room so my parents could have some alone time. They need it and they deserve it.

When you’ve been gone for that long and haven’t slept in your own bed for days. Even the floor in your room can look extremely comfortable. I unpacked few of my few things, got online and told my friends I was home and I’d be back to school on Monday and started writing this. It was an extremely good Friday. Long, but an amazingly good day today, I got out of the hospital and got an awesome surprise.

Dad’s going to be home for awhile, not for good but at least he’s home.
Right now it is 2305 on Friday night, that means Dad’s got just less than 24 hour till he has to go.

I don’t even know why I count the hours. Maybe that way time will slow down, not only for me but for my parents also.

Welcome Home Dad.