If I Could...

If I can look at your smile every day...I would.
If I can make you completely mine...I would.
If I can tell you my darkest fears and secrets...I would.

If I can pick you up from the ground and hug you like never before...I would.
If I can lift you up from the ground just to give you a kiss...I would.
If I can serve with you...I would.

If I can...I would.
If only I could.

I $*%^ You

Yesterday morning, I send out a stack of letters to Nicole yesterday. Funny how much you miss someone you care about when you can't talk or see 'em. The letters I wrote well, guess I can call 'em a typical "Hollywood Letters". I asked her about OSUT, I told her about the things going on in my life right now. I told her some of my grief but didn't storm her with what really on my mind. I guess I didn't want to burden her when she's busy with OSUT. I told her about Prom and how much I truly did't want to go because she's not here but I went anyways. And of course, I told her how much I miss her smile, her words, and mostly, her. I end the letters with "talk to you soon" or sometimes "miss you" or things of the sort.

It's almost 3 months since I asked Nicole out after the Pat Green concert we went to. And up till now, Nicole and I haven't say the word. Which word, the L word. At first thought, it makes me laugh because it reminds of me this Miller Light commercial:

I've gotten a lot of comments (usually from people around my age) saying I'm "weird" or "strange" because of the fact I haven't say the "L" word to my girlfriend. And what's even more strange is that Nicole haven't say the word to me either. Guess in a way we're "perfect" for each other because we're just that weird.

Truth is, I don't see the reason or need to rush and say the word. I've said before, "Love, like hate, is a strong emotion and I truly believe if used in the wrong context, you can hurt the person you are talking to. And worse, you may hurt yourself." With things that happened in my life, I don't see a reason in hurting myself more than things already did. This word can wait and Nicole and I are doing fine without it. We say what we mean and what's on our mind. We still laugh and smile when either of us say something funny. We're a good couple without the word and well...when the time comes, I think this word will makes us stronger than ever before.

So, for now, neither of us is saying the word.
And let's make sure it stays that way until either of us truly mean it.

Also check out my friend, Kert's blog. She wrote an entry on this topic also. Read Kert's entry and let her know what you think!

Becoming Someone I Don't Want to Be

Awhile ago, I was talking Army with my good friend Edmin. I learned that he is off to to OSUT soon (or he's probably already there by now) and I told him that Nicole is going to OSUT too, just not on the same post nor the same MOS. He didn't know about Nicole and after I told him about the relationship Nicole and I have, he asked me:

"Aren't you worry about you and Nicole? Aren't you guys just starting your relationship?"

He was right, Nicole and I just started our relationship and when Edmin and I talked, Nicole and I were together for about a couple weeks. I thought about the question he asked me then told him that I'm not worried, that I trust Nicole and hopefully, she trusts me. I know in OSUT Nicole won't have a lot of time to goof off if even if she she wants to so truly, I'm not worried. As for me, I can tell you that I am not a person to mess around when I'm in a relationship with someone. Yes, people make mistakes, but this is a mistake I WON'T make.

Edmin and I then went on to talk about the Army life. And then, out of nowhere, I realized, that though Nicole is going to OSUT, it feels as if I'M going to OSUT. Whenever we talk, I'm telling her about OSUT, I'm telling her about the Army (even though she was practically born with combat boots on her feet) and so much more. And like the perfect girl, Nicole never disagrees nor have she ever tell me to stop talking about it.

I can remember years ago, looking at some of my friends' parents (not going to point fingers but I'm sure we all know those kind of parents) I made myself a promise that whenever I'm a parent, I won't EVER make my kids do what I wanted to do as a kid. I won't ever MAKE 'em play football, or MAKE 'em take piano lessons, but instead, to encourage 'em of what's out there and encourage 'em to spread their wings and explore the world. I promised myself that I will never force 'em to enlist just because I couldn't.

But subconsciously, I'm doing it right now. Subconsciously, I'm pushing and edging things onto Nicole and just finally realized what I was doing. And again, like the perfect girl she is, Nicole didn't disagree or argue about this fact but just listened to me talk. Like I'm pressing my dreams onto her. I'm becoming someone I don't want to be.

I'm sorry Sweetheart for doing that, I just realized what I'm doing. And I'm sorry.

Why, I'm not sure. How, subconsciously. What for, because I miss that life. I miss aiming for something I know I can achieve. And looking at my friends all leaving for basic or OSUT is making me wish I can tag along with 'em. I wish I got my orders to ship out and going away for how many weeks it takes to make me part of something greater than I am.

Guess we all can wish.

Let's just hope I can break this "habit" before I become a Dad. Because truly, I'd hate to turn into a Dad that I hate and don't want to be.

Forgive me Sweetheart, I'll try not to be pushy and edgy anymore. And cherish the time we have before you leave for OSUT.

People have been asking me how I'm doing and how we, as a family, are doing. Me, I'm doing alright between the stress of school, of awaiting college acceptance letters, and finishing up Senior year with something better than an "C". We, as a family, are doing alright also I guess. Still got a lot of things going on right now but still loads of laugh in the family. We're doing the best we can and just cherishing the time and so forth. Thank you everyone for checking in and see how we're doing. Again, we're all doing as alright as we can be.

Now back to working on the research papers (yes I know, I'm a Senior and got more research paper than a freaking Sophomore, lame) Procrastination is catching up to me!

Our Danger Zone

I think we all have a time in our lives when we realize we ain't cut out for something we'd like to do. And for that moment myths become facts. For that moment, mysteries become realities.

Earlier this afternoon, I came home to a frantic call from Nicole. I could tell she's been crying because I did not understand a single word she left on the answering machine. First words she said to me when I called her back was...

"I can't do this, babe, I can't do this."

After several minutes of attempting to calm her down, it was clear that there was nothing I can say that will make her stop crying. So for 5 minutes straight, I sat there and let her cried. I let her cry till she said,

"Fool cut it out, you must be crazy."

Man I knew there were reasons why I like Nicole, she took lyrics right out of one of my favorite songs.

I said, "Crazy about you." And finally, something I've been waiting to hear from her, a small laugh. Funny how we both knew which song each other was referring to.

So, for the afternoon, we talked like we never did before. She told me her worse fears: the realization that she might not be cut out for her MOS, the realization that she might not be cut out for OSUT, the realization that she might not be cut out for the Army, and so much more.

Funny how much we can convince ourselves that these sayings are true if we just repeat it over and over again. And within our minds, what we once thought were our calling becomes out regrets and fears. I guess that's why we all need someone to shake us free from the negative beliefs, the negative vibe and reassure us that our calling is what we truly know and love.

And that's why I did, I shook Nicole out of her zone. I told her that everything will be alright, that she IS cut out for this job and there WAS a reason she went down to the recruiter's office AND sign the enlistment papers.

She sounded skeptical but hopefully one day, she'll thank me. We ended the call with our usual kisses and with some skepticism still in her voice, she said "Thank you, babe."

You're welcome, sweetheart.

This zone is our Danger Zone, this zone that many of us have been in or are in right now. We all need someone to shove us out of this Danger Zone. None of us may handle the Danger Zone all by ourselves and I hope that no one out in the world will ever have to. Makes me wonder, who shoved you out of the zone? Who did you shove out of this zone? and well...who shoved me out of the Danger Zone? or will someone ever do so?

I hope so.

Last thing before I end this blog. Out of the request (or rather demand) of my parents, I can't tell you here (or on Twitter) what's going on in the family right now. But if you pray, please pray for us. If you don't please send some positive vibes out our way, we surely need it. Thank you.

My Purpose In Life

When I write, I don't usually touch base on subjects that might seems controversy and subjects that would start unnecessary arguments and debates. Thus, I tend to avoid writing about religion and politics.

But something happened that caught me off guard last week I feel I must share with those who are willing to read it.

As I have said on January 8th, I had a great talk with my friend's Dad (a Pastor at a local Presbyterian Church) about religion and the differences between all these different "kinds" of Christianity. I think ever since I got to middle school, I've been pondering about God, Christianity, and religion as a whole. Though I am baptized into a Catholic family, I wonder about other branches of Christianity and just how different they are from Catholic beliefs.

So after talking to Pastor S, this strange feeling came over me. It's not a bad feeling at all, it's the same feeling when you helped someone across the street or when you donated money anonymously to a much needed organization. It's a heart-warming feeling. And I got the same feeling after reading the materials that Pastor S gave me.

With my parents' permission, I went to Church with my friends for last couple Sundays. Before the sermon, there's Worship (basically the singing part if you don't know what Worship is) then small prayer before the Pastor start preaching. Truly, I didn't feel like he was preaching to me, I felt more as if he's talking to me and laughing about daily happenings with everyone else who attended Church. Why I have never felt that way when I go to Mass, I'm not truly sure.

Anyways, for the last two Sundays, the Pastor talked about idolatry. And at the end of last week's service, my friend's sister (a 4th grader) handed me a booklet with this small activity that she and the entire family was doing. On one paged was to list your idols. Here are some of mine (thought of it on the spot):

1. Football
2. Success
3. Jealousy
4. Money
5. New and cool Chairs

And on the other page was the question that stomped me.

"What did God made you for?"

And like that, it felt as if God was talking right to me. "What did I made you for?" A forth grader whom I hardly know put me in my place like no one ever did before. I stared at the question for a few moments before Pastor S said, "She's got you thinking on your toes, doesn't she?"

I answered, "Yes, sir. She sure did."

I truly didn't know what to write because I truly didn't know the answer. So finally I wrote down:

I don't know what God made me for nor do I know my purpose in life yet. But I sure hope I can find out soon.

I'm not a man who is huge on religion. But I do believe in God and what He has in store for all of us. And strangely enough, it is only on Sunday when I truly think about Sean, about death, and wonder why with every answer about religion there is more that follows. I wonder about His ways and what He made me for. And last Sunday, through a 4th grader, I think somehow God was trying to tell me something.

I'm not sure what He's trying to tell me. But I'm sure ready to listen.

Off topic: I've gotten a lot of emails/IMs/contacts asking about this "Nicole" character. If you must know, Nicole and I have been friends since I can remember. We grew up together and our Dads knew each other since WAY back when (not to call 'em old or anything...) How close is my family with Nicole's? Well, Nicole and her Mom wished me luck before the game that day. Nicole and her Mom was sitting next to my parents on the stands and they drove my parents to the hospital. So that should give you a hint how good of a family friend we are.

After the surprise visit from Nicole, I asked her to come to the Pat Green concert with me and I asked her out. So that's who this "Nicole" character is, guys.

Anyways, thanks to those who have been asking how the concert went with Nicole and how we are doing. Again, the concert was great, you can read more about it on the bottom of my last blog.

I'd also like to take this moment to thank all of my readers. You may not be following me through Google Profile, you may not be constantly leaving me comments, but I know there are a lot of you lurking in the shadows reading my every blog. There's no way of saying how thankful I am you guys' support.

Truly, thank you for reading.

Wake Up Matt

When we were told I have Spinal Cord Injury, we knew there will be complications.

But somehow, subconsciously I've ignored that fact for the longest time. And somehow, my body have a way of reminding me. The UTI's, the fevers, Autonomic Dysreflexia, and now, Muscle Atrophy.

I'm not sure why I ignored it for so long, thinking that it'll just disappear if I don't think about it or don't worry much about it. I'm not sure why I'm not facing it head on and I'm ignoring the fact that I will have complications for the rest of my life, I don't know. I just ignore all of it.

Until, of course, it's blowing up right in my face.

Last week, my Physical Therapist told Mom and me that we might want to make an appointment with the doctor. When I heard Muscle Atrophy from my PT, I ignored it. In fact, my brain was thinking more of the weekend when I get to spend time with Nicole and go to a Craig Morgan concert together. I didn't even hear a word my PT had to say and well...maybe I didn't want to hear it. Or maybe I want to hear it from someone who spend years and years of their life in school. Just so I know for sure this is happening.

Well today...I know for a fact it's happening.

For those who don't know what Muscle Atrophy is, basically you are losing your muscle mass because you're not moving that part of your body (and no, old age got nothing to do with it) and well with paralysis, that's kind of a given. "Muscle Atrophy can contribute to more problems- and more pain- as it gets worse." My doctor said to me. Physical Therapy was supposed to help. But not for me. Something is just not right and well, PT didn't help.

So, starting from this week, I'm going to be on the FES bike (which is basically a stationary bike that "shocks" my muscles as it's moving...supposedly stimulating riding a bike and moving those muscles) more than I ever have before. My PT is going to be working her ass off trying to get these muscles going. (Poor her...I seem to make her job more interesting by the day...) I'm going to be on more supplements than ever (joy...more pills...) and Mom is looking into the possibility of getting an Endless Pool (ya right...in my dreams) for therapy purposes. We'll most likely end up trying to find the nearest place that have an Endless Pool so I hope in there and work 'em muscles as often as I can.

FES Bike

Doc gave us a couple months to see if the muscles will get better and worse comes the worse, I might need to do some Ultrasound therapy or even surgery. Let's hope we don't have to get there.

There are a few decent news lately: I got to spend time with Nicole on Saturday, the concert was amazing and BD's and Sushi Den was amazing also. Thanks to Kiev for suggesting 'em places for us.

Since Nicole is living all the way out in NC and trying to get her mind ready for Basic, I'm still trying to make sure that we see each other as often as possible before she leaves without breaking either her (and my) non-existing wallet. I asked her to go to the Winter Dance with me as a way of spending and celebrating Valentines Day early (and so either her or I have to spend more money trying to see each other) Now I just got think of something to give her. This is going to be a toughy so if you think you know your gifts for a girl during Valentines Day, Twitter me or contact me please, thanks.

Lastly, I finished Dr. Sanjay Gupta's Cheating Death (and starting to read SuperFreakonomics: Global Cooling, Patriotic Prostitutes, and Why Suicide Bombers Should Buy Life Insurance by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner) I am truly amazed what medicine can achieve if we just give it a chance. Be sure to look out for a review of the book over at Knuckles Reviews soon.

Random Thoughts

If you haven't noticed, my random thoughts are rather...long...

That's what she said...

ANYWAYS! Moving on....

1. Sorry for those who are just so eager to see/read my new blog and read/see my other blog that I'm going to start. Life's been pretty crazy right now and...well the plan to release the reviews blog didn't happen when I wanted to. I'm setting a goal for myself to have the reviews blog up by the end of the month. And hopefully this blog will be transferred over to Blogspot by the end of February.

If that doesn't happen, go easy on me will ya? I got 2 concerts to go to within the next two weeks. Then I got colleges visits coming up in February and March. So hopefully this entire blog ordeal can be over before I actually get to college!

2. Last night, just before I went to bed I tweet something that was kind of long/general but at the same time, for my good friend Elizabeth. Now I'd like to share it with you guys. Hopefully, that someday everyone may experience life through death. (When did I become so..."strange" with words?! I can still remember how I used to write...scary thought to look back at my old work)

When I was younger, I often hated the fact I'm part of a military family. Not because of the moving, not because of making new friends, but I was constantly surrounded by death. By the time I was in elementary school, I went to more funerals and memorial service than I can count. I knew what other kids my age didn't know. I knew that death isn't just about that "farm in the sky" or the fact that someone is "sleeping now." I was surrounded by death and I never really enjoyed it, I never really liked the idea. And truly, I constantly wish that it's something that we as humans can avoid.

But now, I don't mind it as much. Maybe it's because I've grown. Maybe it's because I've experience more than just death itself. I've experienced life through death.

Seeing my friends and people around my age crushed by the death of a close family member or a dear friend hurts me and in turn wish that there was something I can do for 'em. But I can't, they must experience life through death also.

Ultimately, I'm glad I got to experience death so early in life. I'm glad that with deaths brought me knowledge, experience, and the will to live life to the fullest by challenging and questioning myself, constantly.

If I can have one wish and one wish in the world. Is to let everyone experience life through death. Then maybe, death wouldn't be so difficult to endure. Then maybe, people may realize that death is not the end but rather, a beginning.

Take care of yourself, Elizabeth. And like I said to Sean, "It's never goodbye, it's only see you later."

3. For those who have been asking about my family and how Sarah is doing, all I can say is fine and ok. The drama earlier with my parents seem to have been put away (but hopefully it's completely solved)

Dad haven't been himself lately and I don't dare to ask. Maybe it's got to do with work, with Mom, Sarah, me, or other stress an adult got to handle. So, I leave that be. (Though we've had several good talks when we are outside smoking- strange how something so bad for you can also be great...)

Mom's been doing good (or great?) she spend the weekend in Las Vegas- LUCKY!- for the CES (Consumer Electronics Show) -DOUBLE LUCKY!- and just got back yesterday. I think she's still enjoy her maturity leave and the time with Sarah. She's going back to work soon though, so haha for her!

Sarah's doing great. Well as great as a sleeping, crying, eating, and pooping machine can be! Can't believe she's almost 2.5 months old! Sure felt like we just brought her home yesterday!

Dosh is doing fine. About a week after Sarah came home, I am convinced that Dosh no longer likes me. Or rather, have a new favorite pal, Sarah. (Dosh's been sleeping in the nursery ever since Sarah came home) Guess in a way I should be glad I got someone to look out for Sarah when I leave for college.

4. Picked up several books that looks pretty amazing. After I read 'em (I'm still currently reading "Cheating Death", by the way...) I'll be sure to do a review on 'em for you guys (the reviews will be on the reviews blog...which, look over at thought #1 for more...) and if you read the book already and think they are just so horrible, I shouldn't even touch 'em, let me know!

The Books are:

D-Day by Antont Beevor
Valkyrie: An Insider's Account of the Plot to Kill Hitler by Hans Bernd Gisevius
Moment of Truth in Iraq by Michael Yon
None Left Behind: The 10th Mountain Division And the Triangle of Death by Charles W. Sasser
Little Brother by Cory Doctorow
From Baghdad to America: Life Lessons from a Dog Named Lava by Jay Kopelman- If you haven't read From Baghdad, With Love, you should! It's an amazing book! I'll be reading it again sometimes in the future (most likely before I read From Baghdad to America) and do a review on that also.
Shadow of the Sword: A Marine's Journey of War, Heroism, and Redemption by Jeremiah Workman

5. Got a surprise visit today at school from a good friend of mine whom I haven't seen since Freshman year. She's a brat also and with the PCSing and so on, we haven't seen each other for at least 3 years. (Nicole was one of my friends that truly stick around and helped me and my family out when I got hurt, she's a great person) It was sure a nice surprise to see her standing next to my car today when I got out of school.

Nicole and I talked and we did a lot of catching up on what's been happening for the last three years. Where each of us been, what we've been doing, and so on.

I told her my plans for college and she surprised me with "I enlisted". (She's the last person I'd thought who would enlist- her parents got a lot to do with it also) But she enlisted (31 Bravo) and shipping out soon.

I told her about Sarah and she hit me with a "I met her already, she looks just like you."

I said, "You look good." she answered with "You too and your chair does too."

I didn't want to talk about the chair or the accident but somehow she convinced me to. I think this is the first time I've ever talk so deeply about my injury with someone my age. And just as things get serious, she would make me smile about the crazy things we used to do.

We had an early dinner with Nicole and her family later on. It was great to connect with 'em and talking with 'em again. Sure hope we keep talking for a long time, hate to not being able to talk or keep in touch with such a good friend.

Overall, today's been a long day but it was a good day. A really good day.