Kingsley, Happiness, and Heartaches

I wrote this after visiting my friend Kingsley at the hospital. He’s currently fighting a cancer so rare; they don’t even have a name for it.

I don’t know how I would feel coming back to this place. Last time I was here, I saw my 5 year old cousin fought a war against brain cancer. Last time I was here, I saw him took his final breath as he proudly lay down his arms in this war. I didn’t know if it was the best for me or for Kingsley that I dropped by unannounced. I heard the news and had no other intentions but to pay him a visit and wish him well.

As I pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, memories flashed in my mind. I tried my best to block both the horrible and fund memories out of my head but it was useless. I saw myself and Cousin Sean going in this hospital and only I came out. I saw the tears in my family’s eyes as Sean fought his last few breaths here on Earth. It was that part of my life I just did not want to re-live.

I said a quick prayer before heading into the hospital. I was immediately greeted by a Drum Major. Then, realizing that was close to Halloween, I smiled at the Drum Major (one of the hospital staff that was sitting at the welcome desk) and went to grab a visitor’s badge. I truly didn’t know what to expect coming back here. Before heading to Kingsley’s room, I stopped by the bathroom and splashed my face with some cold water.

Everything felt surreal. I had no plans on coming back here any time soon and yet; here I am, visiting a dear friend.

I made my way up to the 7th floor and made my way to his room. I had no plans coming back here any time soon and here I am, rolling down the same hallway I did just a short year ago. Upon entering the room, I heard a weak, yet familiar voice.

“Hey dude, you made it.” Kingsley said to me.

I forced a smile and replied, “Hey.”

I didn’t know what to expect or how I’d feel. Last time I was here, my cousin was fighting a war against cancer. Last time I saw someone with cancer was Mom, her lifeless body sleeping peacefully in her old room. I couldn’t imagine Kingsley as sick as he was. In my mind, he was still the person filled with excitement and always out looking for something to do. Instead, what I saw, was a man swelled up from the chemotherapy and weak as a twig. There was an awkwardness between us and I think there was a big elephant in the room that neither of us wanted to talk about. Even though it was staring right into our eyes.

Kingsley and I caught each other up with both of our busy lives. I told him about what’s been going on and he did the same. As we talked, there was less awkwardness in between us, though we both did not wan to bring up just how cancer changed so many things in both of our lives.

Then Kingsley spoke, “Well…ya you know…” and with as much energy as he can, talked his hearts out. I have never known Kingsley for someone who will talk about his feelings or what he’s going through, but there he was, talking about the diagnosis, breaking the news to his parents and girlfriend, the treatment, and just how sick he feels on a day to day basis. I didn’t say anything but sat there and listened. Kingsley’s voice was sore as it can be and seem to give all his energy telling me just what’s going on.

I didn’t say much, just listened. It’s amazing what you can see and hear when you stop and listen.

Then Kingsley caught me off guard.

“Let’s play some Call of Duty, dude. Some friends lend me a PS3.”

We spend next couple hours playing Call of Duty. There weren’t many words as we geared up and the good old PS3. Despise the chemo and how weak he was, Kingsley pretty much kicked my ass. And like the Kingsley I know, threw some friendly competition words around.

I’m sitting here now, right by Kingsley’s bed as he just passed out cold from all the meds they’ve been given him. I still don’t how I should feel or the things I must do to keep Kingsley’s spirit in check. I’m just here as a friend and it is in the deepest part of my heart that I hope Kingsley can pull through this one. Kingsley’s a good friend and truly, I hope the best for him.

Kingsley’s up now…kind of surprised that I’m still here and asked if I’d like to have bucket duty.
Here we go.

I’ve visited Kingsley several times since the initial visit. He seems weak as ever and that somehow scares me more than usual. Seeing him struggling to pull up his own covers reminds me of how bad Mom got when she was sick. It reminded me a lot of things…and I am confronting them before I actually want to. But I’m here for a good friend; I’m here when no one else would even care. Just fighting through this together I guess.

Yesterday, I watched as they put a feeding tube in him. As the tube passed through the gastro reflex, the unspeakable came rushing out of his mouth, again, reminded me of Mom. Truly hope Kingsley will get the nutrition he needs ASAP. I plan to visit as often as I can. I know what support can do when someone is truly sick. There are just no words I can use to describe what's going on, simply because there is just too much going on.

On another note, Sarah’s first birthday is in two days. Both of my grandparents are coming to celebrate this milestone. It’s rather scary how fast time passed by and Sarah’s already one. I got her several gifts I know she’d like but at the same time, I wish I can give her one thing that I just can’t.

I’m dreading the day she opens her mouth and stare at me with those wondering eyes and ask, “Matty…where’s Mama? How come she’s not here? Does she not love me?”

I’m dreading it now, because I know that’s what she’s wondering about daily right now. She just don’t know how to put it in words.

And when she does ask, I wouldn’t know how to put it in words either.

I wrote this last night and slowly realize I haven't been happy in a long time. I laugh, sure. I smile, sure. But I haven't been happy in a long time. And as much as I'd like to fix that, I don't know how.

Relaxing on my parents' bed. Last time I was here, I was 5, snuggling with Mom while she told me jokes. We laughed and stayed in bed forever.

Now I sit here thinking of all the memories we made throughout the years.

Every time I see the sunrise, I remember sharing our ritual together. And I think of you.
Every time I hear our favorite song, I remember sharing a dance or singing a chorus together. And I think of you.
Every time I smell the items you once hold dear, I remember sharing stories and making memories. And I think of you.
Every time I touch your picture, I remember giving you a hug while you latch onto me forever. And I think of you.

My heart aches like no other tonight.
I'm just a little boy, asking for his Mama.

I miss you Mama.
Come visit soon.
http://www.twitlonger.com/show/6pjmsa

Happy Birthday Buddy

In the mist of current events and the busy life between home and school, I never would have thought I would forget Sean's birthday. But...I guess I did. Sorry kiddo

Up till now. When Nicole, her parents, and I are all chilling in the living room, with the TV on and talking about random thing, out of nowhere, I remembered. Tomorrow is February 27th, Sean's birthday.

He would have been 6 years old.

And thinking about his laughs make me smile. Thinking about his pain makes me thank God that Sean is no longer suffering. That somewhere up in Heaven, Sean is having the time of his life. Making friends, having fun, and so much more. But how I wish of the instead. How I wish that Sean is with us today so he can blow out 6 candles just as he blew out 5 candles the year before. How I wish he is here tonight asking for rides on my chair. How I wish to hear his laugh and chuckle as he ask me, "Wheelies? Cousin Matty?" Of course, buddy, wheelies, always.

As I think about Sean, I thought about my Uncle and Aunt. They both have been out of touch with us but I don't blame 'em. Between deployments and fighting this emotional war, I understand why they zone out from the rest of the family. They simply need time. But time, may not be the medicine they need to feel better. Sean, their son, is what they both need. And how I wish I can bring Sean back.

Because the world isn't the same without this little guy. The world will never be the same without the people we love.

Nicole and I were thinking about going to watch a movie tomorrow. We were even thinking of driving hours to the beach and just enjoy hanging out with each other. But I think, instead we're going to drive up to Duke Children's and see if we can bring some smiles to the cancer ward.

We can't hear Sean laugh and chuckle but I believe Sean would want to make sure all his fellow warriors are smiling and laughing everyday. ESPECIALLY on his birthday.

Happy birthday buddy.
Happy birthday.

Weekly Update

First off, for those who are wondering how I'm doing with the new blog, it's a work in progress. Since I'm back in school, I don't got as much time on my hands. So I'll try and get the test blog going and what not before making some huge changes to the main blog. Thank you for being patient with me as I get that sorted out and what not. Hopefully I can have the test blog up by the end of this weekend.

Now...onto several things that happened this week.

1. On Wednesday, I went to see my friend's Dad, who happens to be a Pastor at a Presbyterian Church nearby. We talked about nothing but religion. He told me a lot of things that I was just wondering about and well...after talking to him for an hour. I must say that I felt really good for some random reason and got this strange feeling that I've never got before. He gave me a lot of materials to read and after finishing up 3 little booklets of it, I'm glad I talked to him. I'm intrigued by the ways of the Presbyterian Church and so much more. Bits of me even wants to start going to a Presbyterian Service on Sundays just to see what's the difference between that and Mass.

If you don't know, I'm baptized into the Catholic Church, so well I don't know how my parents will feel talking to a Presbyterian Pastor about anything let along thinking of going to a Presbyterian Service. I do know what my Grandparents will do though if they ever find out. They'd probably throw a crazy fit and fly out here just to bitch at me.

Later that afternoon, I cried. Out of nowhere, just cried. Maybe it was the song I was listening to on my iPod or something but for some reason and at that moment I missed Sean so much, I cried. Wasn't for a long time, maybe 10 minutes or so while I shut myself in the bathroom and just cried. Now I hate crying and crying sure didn't make me feel better about anything around me so I don't even know why I cried. I was just missing the little guy is all.

2. Yesterday, Bama won against the Longhorns. Call me a "bad Texan" if you wish but I never was a Longhorns fan. Glad Crimson Tide won, extremely glad. I'm just going to post what I wrote on the day of the game.

"Sitting here hearing that McCoy won't be back for 2nd half got me thinking. When will coaches learn that you always got to train your backup player as if he's your star player. You don't leave a freshman hanging thinking that your star player is invisible. When will players learn that they got to train as hard as the star player and much more and always expect the what ifs. You can't go on your year thinking you might never play. I personally had to talk to my backup for hours just to get him going on the receiver spot when I got hurt. Truly, they say don't put all your eggs in one basket. And they're right."

3. Last night, I dreamed about football. Sure was nice to make a catch like that again on my own two feet. Sure is nice to hear the crowd and see my teammates out in that field. Just weren't happy I had to wake up because the alarm went off.

4. Before last night, I've been having the same dream over and over again. In my dream, I'm in my kitchen, telling my parents that I'm going to enlist. Next thing I know, I'm going to basic. Next thing I know, I'm back at home after OSUT. Next thing I know, I'm in the airport saying goodbye to my parents and Sarah because of a deployment to Afghanistan. I told my Dad I want to do SFAS when I get back. My Dad, being who he is, said to me: "There is nothing I can teach you that will prepare you for SFAS." after a long pause, he said, "when you come back, I'll show you what I know." I remember hugging and kissing my Mom. I remember holding and kissing Sarah and I remember shaking Dad's hands before leaving.

Then I heard a knock on the door while I was sitting in the living room. I saw my Mom answering the door. Two men dressed in their class A's were at the door. I held my breath, I knew they were CNOs. As my Mom asked 'em to come inside, I told my Mom to sit down next to me. We knew what was coming.

"The Secretary of the Army has asked me to express his deep regret that your son, Matthew was killed in action...The Secretary extends his deepest sympathy to you and your family in your tragic loss."

As my Mom sat on the couch crying, I couldn't believe it, I was sitting right there. I called her name but she wouldn't answer.

And just like that, I woke up. I don't know what this dream is trying to tell me or what kind of things may have happened. Just hope that this dream won't ever come back any time soon. I hate to see my Mom cry, when she hurts, I hurt, even if it's just in my dreams.

5. Today, I read an article on Major Nidal Malik Hasan from Time Magazine. The article had literally everything about Maj. Hasan, from his childhood life to his high school dreams and beyond. They even had pictures of where he was the morning of the shooting, pictures of the places he grew up in, everything. And let me tell you, it was 5 pages long. I read every single word of the article and first thing came to my mind was...

Why is it that in this world, articles are often published about the person who has done wrong. Why is it, that in this world, the media focus solely on the wrong doing of a person or the people? Why on earth, are we not reading about the life stories and dreams of the 13 victims at Ft. Hood?! Why are earth, are we not learning about their home-town, their high school buddies, their likes or dislikes, goals and aspirations?!

Articles and articles about such criminal acts are found everywhere. Colmbine, Virginia Tech, Ft. Hood, and so much more. We seems to know and heard everything about Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold, Seung-Hui Cho, and even Maj. Hasan but nothing about any of the victims of such criminal acts.

Why?

Anyways...that's it for this week, hopefully I'll have everything transferred to BlogSpot by the end of the month.

Thanks for being patient with me guys and as always, thanks for reading.

Scaring the Shit Out of Me

I'm in a writing mood so this is going to be a long blog. Don't worry about reading it if you don't feel like it. I just feel like writing.

When you're a kid, I think you tend to enjoy the story told by other people, especially by your grandparents. I don't know about anyone else but I sure love listening to my grandparents' stories. There's just something about their stories (maybe because they are grandparents? Haha) that would capture my mind every single time, no matter how many times they repeat it.

As technology got better by the year, I tried to teach my Grandparents what I know about computers, emails, phones, and so on in hopes that I can bring 'em joy to learning new things as they bring me joy for telling me about the past. They love the idea of today's phones and ability to call anyone in the world within minutes. (As my Great-Grandpa tells it "PHONES?! PHONES?! WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, YOU RUN TO THE PERSON'S HOUSE TO TALK TO 'EM! PHONES, HA, WHAT A JOKE!")

But when it comes computers and emails, I guess they're not ready to learn these new technologies yet. My Grandparents still don't know how to turn ON the computer let along USE one to get online, use Skype, and other good programs the computer offers. Guess it's going to be awhile before they catch on to this new idea. (You should hear my Grandpa rant about how he knew the M3 Stuart like the back of his own hands, now "this machine...this horrible machine!" haha :P)

There is a reason behind all my madness. If I can get my Grandparents to use the computer, there would be less money spend on say...postage (though I must say getting snail mail is still pretty cool) or even phone bills (Thank you Skype!) And with the amount of times we move around, emails and say text? (haha, can't wait till I have to explain that to my Grandparents) would be easier to communicate. But guess we'll just have to wait till that happens.

So, my Grandparents tends to just call us when they wish to talk. I don't mind that, I love talking to my Grandparents (even if it means staying on the phone for hours) but when they start going into story mode, that's usually when I put everything down to listen to what they have to say. (Telephone stories ain't better than stories live but hey, better than no stories!)

And that's how it was on Monday (December 7th) and I'm sure many of you already know which day it was. As President FDR said it man years ago, December 7th is "A Date Which Will Live in Infamy" Now my Grandparents didn't know each other when the attack on Pearl Harbor happened, but they sure got some nice story to tell. So for hours, my Grandparents each told their own story as if they were right in the house with us. And if you can believe it or not, the stories still captured my mind and full attention.

I think it's a skill, to be able to tell stories through the phone and still have everyone flabbergasted, ya it takes skills.

Sure makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to tell stories like my Grandparents. And also makes me wonder if Sarah will love their stories like I am now.

Second:

I have said it before, people give me more credit than I deserve in this life time. I'm not as smart as people think I am and I have done many things I regret. I have found that when people see my grades or test scores, they assume I am smart. They assume I get the materials that's taught by the teacher or every little things in life. Most of the time, I don't get it at all. A simple material needs to be reviewed by me many times before it finally register in my mind and that's just how I am, sorry if I throw you off.

What got me wonder the most is when people ask me "are you trying to convince me you don't get this? are you trying to say you're really that stupid?" It seem to be one of the popular questions of this semester. I truly don't know how to answer that one but, "yes I guess I am really that stupid."

Guys, I'm not as smart as you think I am and if that means give me less credit, please do so. My grades...I work my butt off for 'em. My scores, study for hours to get the score I want. I truly am a lot less than what people give me credit for. I'm not born smart or with a talent, I just work my butt off every time.

Third:

I think ever since Sean's passing, cancer's been a touchy subject for a lot of us. A difficult enough thing for us to deal with even if it's just on TV. (During Thanksgiving, as soon as we saw a commercial about cancer, we would switch the channel just to avoid hearing it) It's not that we don't wish to talk about Sean and how great of a person he was, but really, this subject is just something we as a family try to avoid.

But it's the when you least expect it, it hits you the hardest. Going through my Favorites on Twitter one night, I saw a tweet of me and Sean making caricature designs. And as I clicked on Sean's design I froze. Because that design is now a perfect world thing.

In a perfect world, Sean would still be alive.
In a perfect world, that family would not be missing a wonderful son and little boy.
In a perfect world, kids like Sean wouldn't have to suffer.
In a perfect world, shit like this just don't happen.

I sure miss the little guy. Every day, little things I do reminds me of him. The weather, the cars, homework, everything. And boy, what I would do to see him again. Maybe play a little football, race around the block, or just hang out like we used to, I'd do anything to see the little guy again. And I'm sure everyone is feeling the same thing, especially Sean's parents.

Forth and last:

Awhile ago, I wrote something about Dreams and Nightmares. The dreams (nightmares, whatever you want to call 'em) haven't stopped. And somehow, my brain is playing 'em like a movie and a broken record.

Someone once DM me on Twitter and asked me if I ever thought of maybe having PTSD. I told her "No" because these little things I go through is nothing compare to what my Dad or other people gone through. I don't need help, they need help because they deserve it. That person told me, "This is about you, no one else in the world, it's about you."

Maybe she's right.

This morning, Mom asked me if I was doing ok and truly ok. She told me she's concerned about me and there are a few things that she just can't keep ignoring. I don't know why I lied to her but I told her I'm fine. I didn't correct myself or told her sorry that I lied. I lied straight to my Mother's face and she accepted the lie.

I'm changing and it's scaring the shit out of me. It's making my parents worry. And worse, it's making me lose many friends I've made.

Tonight will mark the third time someone tell me (both online and in person) "You make no sense." Truth is...I know I make no sense. I don't make sense to myself. I'm changing to someone I'm not familiar with and it's scaring the shit out of me. This isn't the person I grew up with and know. This ain't me at all.

I'm changing and it's scaring the shit out of me.

Car Birth?

I never get why people hate school so much. I think if everyone just take a look at school in general, they'll see how great it can really be.

True that I, at times hate school and wish to skip it but overall, I think I just like (and even love) school. There might be a good reason for it also. After I got hurt I missed months of school to spend the time in hospital and rehab. I couldn't wait to go back to school. And as I live out my SCI, there are times (like the most recent visit) I need to stay in the hospital and well, that means missing school. It might seem kind of cool to miss school at first, but trust me, staying at the hospital is no fun. On top of that, after awhile, you get sick of the nurses, no matter how hot they might be.

So, after being gone for two weeks, I was truly glad to be back at school again. Even with the amount of tests I have to make up, I'm just glad to be back.

Today, over all was a good day. Friends were glad to see me and I sure am glad to see 'em. It really is good to be back.

After school, there were few errands (more like many) I had to run for Mom. While doing that, for the strangest reason, I swear I heard Sean's voice. Again, I know I'm going nuts. I didn't think much of it, really, at this point I know I'm out of it with lack of sleep and so on.

I manage to make it to physical therapy on time today, good stuff! Sure is good to be back to some sort of a regular schedule. Sure tennis is fun but hey PT still is pretty awesome, haha. :P I thought PT went alright, but right now, considering how different I feel, ya I know I'm out of shape!

Better lose those lbs that the doctor wanted me to lose, haha.

I got an email from Sean's Dad when I got home. He told me he saw a kid that looks just like Sean when he went on patrol days ago. I didn't say much to him about it but truly, we're all trying to recover and in the same time remember in our own little ways. Even if everything reminds us of Sean, I think and really hope he's still with us (if not watch over us) doing what he does best, goofing off and just ball of energy (whether he's on meds or not!)

Mom's doing well (for those who have been asking) she really is ready to get this baby out of her. Me, at the same time, is getting really nervous just to get her to the hospital in time.

And like my Mom, she said, "Don't worry Matt, worse comes worse, we'll have a car birth!"

Great...a car birth...
Why not just call her Saab then?

Thanks Mom...thanks, way to make me more nervous than I was before.

Halloween

First, I hope everyone had a happy and safe Halloween. :D

In my family, we ain't really big on candy. When I was younger, we would go out Trick or Treatin' but after I think I got to 5th grade, that just stopped. Since I'm not huge on candy, I guess I don't really have a huge lost in it.

I think as I grow older, the idea of getting candy is just not really huge anymore. Ya I may still dress up and go out to get candy, but really, I think the idea is all about hanging with friends. And though the MPs want to make sure that we older kids don't get in trouble, we still manage to find ways to mess up houses without getting in trouble.

Those were the days, thinking back to my first costume, I was only a kid dressing up in my Dad's BDU, I can't imagine me doing anything else. Just putting it that costume on made me believe I really was a soldier.

Crazy Times

Those were the times ain't it.

As I got older, we made it a family tradition to carve pumpkins. At first we weren't that good, using cut outs and other people's idea to go about our pumpkin carving fun. Then as years go on, we started to expand our designs to more than just the old fashion Jack-o'-lanterns.

Family Favorite

Even when Dad's gone during Halloween, Mom and I manage to get pumpkin carving to our own. I can still remember carving pumpkin at the hospital, Mom sneak in a small pumpkin so she and I could carve it together. (Needless to say I was too knock out from the meds to do anything. But still was fund memory)

This year, I invited some friends over. We sat around deciding on different things to do. A friend carved some Pokémons while another carved out his favorite college football team. I sat there and couldn't decide which one to do.

And it came to me like a whisper in the wind. I ended up decided on doing an Autobot. With a help of a friend, we managed to carve out a good looking Autobot right on the pumpkin. But with a slip, the top of the Autobot's head fell off.

Find where we went wrong

That did not make me happy at all. There was a reason I picked Autobot because Sean loved Transformers. It was in my mind to do something in his honor and memory. So needless to say I wasn't happy when it first broke.

But as the night went on, I guess it was ok. A lot of the kids that came to our house knew it was a Transformer and glad they loved it. After all, it's for 'em to see.

But as kids continue to knock on our door, every single one of 'em reminds me of Sean. The little costume, the little voice that barely whispers "Happy Halloween." and the smile when they get to pick out their own candy out of the basket. Every single one of 'em reminded me of Sean. Not sure if I should or how I can shake that feeling. I love it when I feel he's right next to me but at the same time, I ache for many different reasons.

Happy Halloween, buddy
I'll save some candy for you, kiddo.

Halloween Football! Winning team is in bold.
Army- Bye Week (Prepping for the game against AF!)
Maryland- Bye Week
Washington- Bye Week
Alabama- Bye Week

Ohio St v New Mexico St, 45-0

Virginia Military Institute v Charleston Southern, 31-21

Navy v Temple, 27-24
Texas A&M v Iowa State, 35-10
Texas Tech v Kansas, 42-21
Florida v Georgia, 41-17 Freaking awesome catch by Cooper!

Great Catch by Cooper!

Cal at Arizona St, 23-21
UMiami at Wake Forest, 28-27 Good win Hurricanes!
Michigan at Illinios, 38-13

Air Force at Colorado St, 34-16
UCLA at Oregon St, 26-19

Oklahoma v Kansas St, 42-30

LSU v Tulane, 42-0
USC at Oregon, 47-20 Really glad USC got their butt kicked. GO DUCKS!

Outta There!

I woke up this morning thinking of someone I miss dearly. I remember when Sean first asked me "when can we leave?" and that look on his face was just priceless. So upon packing up some of my things and leaving the hospital, I couldn't help but think of that little guy. And likewise for the rest of the day, I just couldn't stop thinking of that little man.

After Mom picked me up and dropped me off back at the house, I didn't stay long before I went off to run errands. The house felt different, my room, the car, and even Dosh felt different (even though she was extremely glad to see me) but then, they also did when I got out of rehab. You wouldn't believe how much things you missed while you're in the hospital and when you get discharged, you tend to lose track or time, date, and so much more. It's as if you're in a coma or something, you just can't seem to keep up.

I liked the weather though, getting the nice cold weather I'm hoping for and of course, snow. Ain't this weather just great? Can't wait till I catch some fresh powder and grab some big air.

I didn't realize how much errands I had to do. I was out the entire day and didn't get home till late at night. Don't think I realized just how much more baby stuff we need. (Though I did find a nice cool site with everything you'll need, called Diapers.com They got everything, literally, good place. Just might have to start ordering from there from now on) Mom is still thinking up a name while telling me what to pick up for the baby and what she'll need in a bag all ready to go just in case the baby decides to pop out of her early. (That bag now sits in my backseat, everything Mom ever need it for her hospital stay)

And while the day is busy and the hours are short, I still couldn't help but think of Sean. It's one of those days when everything I do reminds me of him. Every one and every thing I hear reminds me of the little man. And yes, I wish he's still here, running errands with me, or even just sit in the car and laugh our butts off at nothing.

I can't get myself to look at a picture of Sean. I can't get myself to listen to songs that reminds me of him. I can't even get myself to order Sean's favorite food. I miss the little guy, a lot more than usual today and while talking to my aunt (who is now back overseas to finish up her tour), I found out that we were both thinking about Sean today and as she cried over Skype, I couldn't get myself to. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing but I can't cry, but my heart sure aches like no tomorrow. I miss the man, our jokes, our laughs, and our serious time.

I talked to my aunt for a few after that on Skype. We talked about how thing are going around the house and she said she's excited for Mom to have the baby too. I don't think any of us is looking to replace Sean, but a new addition to our life would also be nice.

Here's something my aunt wrote, she gave me permission to share it with everyone and in hopes that Sean will read it like he did before.

We miss you buddy, very much.

Hey Lil Man,

It's 0200 and I can't sleep. With PT in just a few hours, I am trying not to hear my thoughts, but that didn't work. I miss you so much, your way of touching my face, your sweet kisses, the face you made when your nose tickled and the way you said "Mama, not my nose!!" I remember how I had told you one day that every time your nose tickled it was because I wanted to kiss it...you would even get mad at me when it just wouldn't stop annoying you. I miss your dino kisses. I miss your voice when you said my name, when you said "Mama, I just like you more better" I miss your dimples, no one can smile like you do. I miss your attitude, I miss hearing you say that you are the boss of stuff...

I am sorry for so much baby. I am sorry you had to got through it all and alone without me or your Daddy there. I am sorry I didn't let you go to school, I am sorry you didn't get to see the ocean and the ranch one more time. I am sorry you didn't get to see me or your Daddy one more time. I am sorry I couldn't hold you when you were hurting. I am sorry we couldn't make you better. I am sorry finger phones don't work in Heaven...

I look around this place sometimes, I just stand there and see everything that reminds me of you. HUMVEEs, pictures...I want to hug you...I can't hug memories.

I need you to help me out lil man. I need strength so I can be a good soldier. I know I am not doing the best job right now...I need you to remind me to smile, over and over again...I need you to tell me it will be okay because today more than ever since you died, I just want to hold you tight and never let go... I just can't do it without you ...

I love you
Your Mama, forever and ever...

Naive. Sick. Thinking.

Right now, I can't sleep. I got this horrible fever that I can't break nor can I breathe without this oxygen mask on me. I haven't been feeling well at all, even with the amount of time I spend sleeping these days. Whatever it is I have...horrible and I'm sick of it. This is one of many reason I why I hate being sick. It gives me too much time to sick or lay here just thinking and not doing anything. Which in ways, it's horrible.

I've been thinking a lot about Dad and Sean lately. Dad still isn't back yet and Mom's due soon and geeze I get sick at the worse time, ever.

I remember when Sean was getting treatment, I would sit by his bed (or on his bed) and some times, I would watch him sleep. I'd wonder if the poison that was dripping into his veins would do the trick, wondering if anything was growing in his brain. I remember wondering if my Aunt and Uncle would have to bury Sean, I remember thanking God for Sean and everyone in the family and wonder if all this he's doing is all part of his plan. Sean's always been a smart one. I remember when we had his latest MRI, he was sitting in his room and he told me, "It's back Cousin Matty. In my head, it's back!" and I remember telling him don't be silly and everything will be ok. Now I'm wondering if he knew it all along, he sure is a smart man.

At times, I wonder if I can just take Sean and run away. Hoping that the tumor and sickness won't hurt him anymore. Silly of me I guess. Within just 2 weeks, what was a small tumor the size of a nail turned into a tumors and sizes of a dollar and spreading like a germ and wildfire. It all seem like yesterday. Seems like yesterday he was just sitting in my lap, smiling and joking around. Seems like yesterday he took his last step, held his blankie, ate on his own, talked, and so much more. Really all seem like yesterday...I remember all the emotion that everyone in the family was feeling, that sadness, that pain, and so much more. We're all expected him to go to Heaven soon but that fear just scare the hell out of you. The fear I see when I saw him taking his last breath, his last heartbeat.

I remember reading somewhere that every day, 6 families will see their love ones leaving for Heaven. I remember thinking that can never be us, at least not this early.

I can be really naive sometimes.

I remember saying to myself that 45,000 troops is what Mr. President will go with. I remember yelling at the TV saying 45,000 troops. Then I realize people don't even know what really is going on. People hear about the troops and units being send overseas constantly but people don't really hear or think about those who deploy without us even knowing it. I've been ask before what my Dad does and I just told 'em "He's Army" and move on. I don't think people realize not everything in the Army is out in the open. And even when they hear about the 45,000 troops that will be needed for Afghanistan, they don't know or don't think about the people already there or in other parts of the world. I don't think people know what to ay when you tell 'em that your Dad isn't part of the usual group of Army. They tend to say "cool" and "sweet" and nothing more. Because they don't know what to say. Ya it's cool sometimes but really...it's more than being cool.

Sometimes, it's about staying up late or waking up early with nightmares wondering where Dad is, if he's okay, safe, and when he'll be coming home. The nerve of him being here one day smoking your butt out and the next he can be anywhere else in the word. And it tends to happen when I got nothing to do, when there's less things to worry about or more time to wonder about things like that.

I'm sick really sick and not sure when I'll get better. Soon I hope, really, so I don't have to have time to think about the stupid things. So I can have more time taking care of Mom and the new baby, so I'm not laying in the hospital bed wondering and thinking about the unthinkable.

God I can use a drink right now or at least a smoke.

We're All Hurting

I've never been a fan of silence. When the room is too quiet, I tend to listen to music or TV. Even if I'm not watching the show or the movie, I just like the background noise.

I went to pick up my Aunt and Uncle this evening. The drive there was strange, reminds me of the days I'd drive up in the dark nights to go see Sean. It reminded me of the nights I'd sit in my room wondering if I should drive up to the hospital just to see Sean. Makes me wonder if the school events I went to was worth it, if staying at home was worth it.

Was it?

Homecoming should be happy, should be joyful, full of hugs, kisses, and happy tears. It sure is different today. I saw my Uncle and Aunt, both in uniform, being thanked by strangers for doing what they do. And on their faces, I can see the sadness and urge to see Sean again. I gave 'em both a hug and went on towards the car. There was no words, none at all as we got in the car. I didn't ask how their flight as, if they are hungry, tired, I didn't. Because somehow, I knew all their answer would be "okay"

The trip was an half an hour drive and well it felt like hours. There was a cold silent in the car, a silent I didn't dare to break. It was one of the strangest drive, ever.

"Sure is nice to be stateside." My Uncle said and nothing more.

There still wasn't anything being said once we get home. I got stuff ready so my Aunt/Uncle can settle in. While Mom and Aunt cooked, my Uncle and I sat there and flip through the channels of the TV. Even through dinner, there was a strange silence.

I was told to do my homework that the adults will take over what's needed to be done. I didn't argue, though I had no mind to do my homework or write my college essays. I had no intend of doing any homework anytime soon but I didn't argue. Went into my room and sat at my desk, staring at my homework and wondering a lot about life and beyond.

I heard my Uncle said that he's going out for a smoke. And out of nowhere, I heard a cry. My Uncle's a Marine, he's a typical jarhead, tough, rough, and no emotion, ever. And there I was, sitting in my room, hearing my Uncle cry right outside my window.

I know he'll never admit this incident, I know I may never physically see him crying anywhere, but I know, we're all hurting.

Sean, buddy, see, your parents are home. They miss you and I'm sure they are proud of you. We all are.

Update:
Sean's always been a fan of my grandparents ranch down in Texas. After much discussion, Sean's parents have decided to cremate Sean's body then spread his ashes at the ranch. Sean's a huge fan of horses and love to be around 'em. I think it's this a good decision and fully support Sean's parents for it.

The memorial service will be tomorrow and it will be small and private. Since on such short notice, Sean's parents understand if there are family members that can not make it to the service. After the cremation ceremony, Sean's parents will be flying out to my grandparents' ranch to spread the ashes. They encourage everyone to be thinking of their love ones not only tomorrow but every single day, to know that life is precious and family is precious.

For family members and friends who like to support. Sean's parents wish for all to support their local children hospitals or St. Jude's in their fight to beat childhood cancer.

After all, all children should live carefree.

Side note:
We're all thankful for the support that our friends have given us. Thank you all for continuing to offer to help, your kind words, and more. Since Sean's parents leave only last a few days, please do not contact 'em in any way. We all just wish to put Sean in his resting place and slowly, move on with our lives. All inquires please contact me, my information can be found on the right side of the blog. Thank you all very much, we can't thank you all enough.

“No crying Cousin Matty, crying’s for babies!”

God I miss the kid.

He's fucking 5.
5 for Heaven's Sake.

Nothing make sense anymore.

I miss you bud, say hi to God for me. I guess right now you got the best seat in the world to look at football games, right. All the games you can watch and all the popcorn you can have. Go Navy, right?

I love you kiddo.

"No crying Cousin Matty, crying's for babies!"

You're right kiddo, I'm a big baby
God I miss you.

Cal- Bye Week
USC- Bye Week

Army v Vanderbilt, 16-13 (OT)
UCLA v. Oregon- 24-10
Texas A&M v Oklahoma State 36-31
Alabama vs Ole Miss, 22-3
Ohio St v Wisconsin, 31-13
Oklahoma v Baylor, 33-7
Navy at Rice, 63-14

Maryland at Wake Forest, 42-32

UMiami v Florida A&M, 48-16
Texas Tech v Kansas State, 66-14
Stanford at Oregon State, 38-28
Virginia Military Institute at Coastal Carolina, 20-6

Texas v Colorado, 38-14

Air Force v TCU, 20-17

Florida v LSU, 13-3
Michigan at Iowa, 30-28

Washington v Arizona, 36-33

Winning teams are in bold

We'll Miss You and We Already Are

I once asked Sean if he can have one wish, just one, what would he wish for. He sat on my lap laughing and picking out all sorts of things from being a superhero to being just like his Dad, a Marine. From meeting a Transformer to being "all grown up" and as I told him he could only have one. He giggled and told me. "Three!" and I smile and told him, "Ok three" We had just finished watching Aladdin, and I'm sure that's where he got the three from

I said a wish. Sean says Three.

I wonder if Sean knew it all along. I wonder if he wanted to fight long enough to see his parents again. I wonder about a lot of things right now...

It's been a long journey, for all of us. And I think Sean knows it more than any of us do. I think he already knew when things started to go downhill. It's still a dream to me. Nothing seems normal at this point.

The new spot on brain, cancer cells is CSF, small lesion turns into tumor, then more tumors, seizures. Make-a-wish (or rather, three), more seizures, stats are dropping, need oxygen, catheter, morphine, Ativan, phenobarbital, Codeine, Zofran, Visteril, Morphine, more morphine. Nothing seems normal anymore.

The scared look on his face made all of us scared. He's just skin and bones, fighting for his last breath, mumbled "Mama" and "Daddy"

He fought till he couldn't no more.

I never thought I would hear those words about my 5 year old cousin. He's 5, for fucking sakes, 5. But after this morning, the words will forever be in my heart and mind. He's gone. Sean fought until the last painful breath. I'm not going to lie and tell everyone how peaceful he was. Because it was NOTHING peaceful about it. Sean was like a fish out of the water, trying so hard to breathe, but nothing.

When he started having a hard time breathing I went to get Mom. I sat on the side of the bed as Mom climbed in, we started talking to him. We told him that everything will be okay and that soon, very soon, his Mom and Dad will be home. We told him how proud we were of him and how much proud both of his parents are. I told him to say Hi to God and Jesus for me. I told him that there are a lot of brave soldier and marines waiting for him. That he will be safe and okay. Mom told him he wouldn't hurt anymore. I told him good night, I told him I loved him and Mom did the same.

We took off his shirt so we could touch him (Mom said that he could feel us and we needed to feel him...) Mom put her hand on his chest. Told me she could feel his heart beat. Then it slowed down. We weren't there to hear his first heartbeat but we felt his last one.

He fought as long as he could, he fought hard in hopes to see his parents again. He fought till he couldn't no more.

I miss the little guy. My bond with Sean is indescribable. I mean, I know we're not supposed to pick favorites but out of all the cousins in the family, I got to say I like Sean the most. There's just something about him, I don't know, something special about him. We're roughly 13 years apart and really, you'd think we'd be farther apart. But he was like my own little brother. At two years old, he of all people climbed onto my hospital bed (after I got hurt), smiled and hid his face right in my arms. He taught me with smile and laughter, there's nothing you can't conquer. That smile, that joy is something I can never and will never forget.

His body lay peacefully in the bed and we know he's already in Heaven, enjoying the Sun, the clouds, and many years of no pain and worries. As Grandpa (and many others) have told me before, "It's never goodbye, it's see you later."

See you later buddy, don't forget us.
Run, play, have no worries.
We'll miss you, and we already are.

Thank you to everyone who's been there for me and my family. Thank you for the emails and the Tweets (not to mention DMs) asking how Mom and I are doing. We are, well, as well as we can be at this point. We are both sad that Sean's gone but know he is no longer in pain. And with the end of this precious life, we know soon that our family will be joined by another. Maybe this is God's plan all along, or at least I think it is.

A lot of things (as far as funerals and flowers go) are, of course, still up to my Aunt and Uncle. We manage to get a word out to my Aunt and Uncle and well, at this point, we're not sure when either of 'em will be back in the states or how long their leave will be. Either way, we're here too help 'em with any thing they need.

For those who would like to help, I think Mom and I couldn't agree more the best way is to help others who are currently fighting this disease. Hospitals and organizations like St. Jude's Children Research Hospital, Cure Childhood Cancer, and Cure Search really help with the cause of finding a cure. This is a horrible disease and monster, one that no kid like Sean should ever need to fight.

I truly hope that one day, kids like Sean can grow up thinking about their favorite cartoon rather than how many more rounds of Chemotherapy they need to go through just to survive.

To all the brave little warriors out there, I salute you.
To all the families, I salute you.
To Sean, you'll always be my favorite. But don't tell anyone, they'll be jealous.

Rest well and play well buddy, you deserve it.

Cancer Pisses Me Off

I think living this long, a lot of things tend to piss me off. Stupid, ignorant people tend to do the trick. And then I've discovered that things in life do the same too. Things like my injury sometimes just piss the hell out of me. Well...cancer, is one also.

They said God has a plan for all of us. That everyone in God's eyes are equal and no matter how wrong it something is, it's all God's plan. And even at times we don't understand it, it's all God's plan.

Tonight, I hope whatever God has in store, it's a good one.

I remember at one of our family reunions, my Great Uncle would tell us, "Everyday is Christmas if you look at it, because greatest gift of all is to have all these people around you. Then you know it's a good day."

The news of Sean's diagnoses took a lot of us by surprise. And still I wonder why my Uncle and Aunt didn't share it with us earlier. But then I realize, even if we know, there really isn't anything we can do other than being there for 'em. There was nothing they can do either, filling for a late deployment, in ways adds on the hurt.

Earlier tonight, we got a call from the hospital. Mom and I didn't need to hear what they had to say and rush our way out here. The 2 hour drive turned into just a over an hour. We had been told Sean might not make it through the night...

And within both of us, there are panics, worries, and pain. But Mom always seem to know how to try and stay calm. According to her, "Pray, hope, and stay calm is the best anyone can do." (I personally don't know how she got the mind to tell me to do all that, stay away from the room for awhile and do my homework) I'm not going to lie, I'm not doing homework, not worried about school or college applications. I just want to be in there with Sean but Mom's orders. Pray. Hope. Stay Calm. Contact Red Cross. And do my homework.

I'd never thought staying calm could be so hard. All this time, I thought I was the calm one. Boy was I wrong.

While I'm sitting here, I thought about the amount of families that's going through the same worries. And there are so many good people out there, The good people, the compassion and even their dedication. The complete strangers who get together to give a kid his last wish. (And in ways, hearing the words "last wish" tears me apart. A kid, many younger than I am, how can they be having a last wish? That don't make no sense to me...)

I remember one night when Sean and I were hanging out, he asked me what Heaven is like. He asked me if he can get anything he wants at Heaven. He said to me, "I like to go to Heaven" And for that moment, a 5 year old scared me to death. He's five, laying next to me in his hospital bed, asking me about Heaven. And that look on his face, the seriousness...scared me the most.

Mom told me days ago that Sean ain't the same as he was before. The little bundle of joy is starting to be taking over by a monster he can't even see. By a monster that I, a 18 year old, have trouble pronounce. Sean hasn't been eating or talking, he's constantly sleeping, vomiting. And somehow, no one can do anything about it. Geeze...he's fucking 5. He wants to see the sky, the ocean, and real life Transformers.

I just hope he gets to. He haven't even fighting that long. His brain just ain't the same anymore, stupid tumor. He couldn't hold his toys anymore. And earlier tonight, he told me "my legs are tired" (Doc said that slowly, Sean is paralyzed from the neck down) I wish there was something I can do. A book I can read him that will make him feel better, a story, a face, anything. All just to make him better. He told us, "I want Mama and Daddy. Finger phones don't work in Heaven..."

Just makes me want to cry.

Not that long ago, Mom shared with me something that my Uncle wrote:

"Out doing my job in this strange country one day, I couldn't help but felt an unbelievable pain in my chest...one of which felt just like a shrapnel wound. I expected blood, and with my shakey hands on my heart, I expected to feel the red liquid flowing through my fingers. But there were none. As I chow down the MRE, the incredible pain in my heart persisted and slowly I come to the truth: I miss my boy. My boy battling cancer.

The boys asked me what's wrong, if it was the food. And as I stare blankly into the dry sky, I shook my head. No one understands, and in this country, among the boys I trust my life with, I felt alone and lost."

I think we all feel alone and lost. Mom and I are taking shifts with Sean tonight and truly praying and hoping that everything will be alright. I've contacted Red Cross and getting the word out to both my Uncle and Aunt. Just hopefully everything will be alright.

After all, he is my little buddy. And always will be.

"We don't hug, Cousin Matty, we're boys!"

After my match today, I decided to drive up to the hospital so Sean and I can watch the Navy and Air Force game before it ends. We managed to catch the second half of the game and it was loads of fun to hear Sean yell "YAY NAVY" throughout the game (it was a great game, if you didn't see it I suggest you find a re-run of it)

Navy wins! Look like they might be holding onto Commander-in-Chief's Trophy for another year. Wonder when Army will get the trophy again, haha.

There's nothing more I like than hanging out with Sean. When I came in his room today, he jumped off of his bed and literally yelled my name. That smile on his face was amazing. As I was about to give him a hug, he told me, "We don't hug, Cousin Matty, we're boys!" Made me chuckle a bit, another one of those "kids say the darnest things" Though he did sneak in a hug later on while we were watching football, according to him it's ok because "no one's watching" :D

We watched a couple football games before he got sick of it. While watching football today I realized I'm applying to a lot of SEC schools. Coincidence? I'm not sure :P But hey it's kind of cool :D So I asked him if he wants to watch a movie. He looked at me and said yes.

So right now I'm laying in bed with Sean while watching Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. I can tell he's not feeling well and really, looking at him anyone would know he's sick. I would say his head probably is swollen about twice its original size- may be bits exaggerating, but you get the point. Mom said it's from the tumor, and ya, I can tell. His cheeks are swollen (I think from the meds?) and overall, his voice seems sore and tired. As he put is head against my shoulder, I could feel this strange pain in my heart. I ache for him, knowing he's hurting constantly. At the same time, I am still proud of him. Even with the pain, he doesn't complain as much as I think he would, he's still laugh and smiling at silly things and of course, still think hugs are for girls.

They say that strength comes in different sizes. And I think this pint size kid is one of the strongest person I know.

On a side note: I took a look at my September stats for the blog, it's amazing how it fluctuates like that. Imagine it being a company. Wonder how the stock holders of this "company" will think, haha.

Sept Viewing Stats

On another note: I've been watching Professor Shiller's Financial Markets lectures over at Open Yale Courses on my free time. It's basically college Finance lecture class and really, I think it's quite interesting. I'm having a blast watching the lectures and learning from them. (More than I am learning from my Finance class right now!) Call me a nerd but really, learning a lot about the subject, Professor Shiller, and just college lectures in general. Great heads up on college life I guess :D

Anyways, back to the movie. Then it's reading him a bed time story, make sure he's asleep and driving on home. Really wish I can stay but Mom's making me drive home so I can work on my homework and college applications all day tomorrow. She even suggested a homework/college applications party at the house tomorrow. Strangest idea, who would come to that?!

Texas- Bye Week
Florida- Bye Week

Michigan at Michigan State, 26-20 Didn't catch this game but WOW!
Maryland vs Clemson, 24-21
Army vs Tulane, 17-16

Alabama at Kentucky, 38-20

Virginia Military Institute vs Gardner-Webb, 27-23

Washington at Notre Dame, 37-30 (OT)
Stanford vs UCLA, 24-16
Texas Tech vs New Mexico, 48-28
Air Force at Navy, 16-13 (OT)
LSU at Georgia, 20-13

Ohio St at Indiana, 33-14
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt, 23-7

Texas A&M vs Arkansas, 47-19

UMiami vs Oklahoma, 21-20
Cal vs USC, 30-3

Oregon vs Washington State, 52-6

Winning teams are in bold

Though I Wish

It's early Saturday morning right now and well, I'm ready for my tennis match later on in the day so thought I write something. (Plus the fact I can't sleep, maybe after this I can get some Zs...)

So late last night, Mom decided to drive up to the hospital to stay with Sean for the weekend. I told her it's a bad idea to drive so late, she said she can't sleep and Sean can use the company. There was nothing I can do to stop her, I even offered to drive her up there, she said no. Said that since I got a match today, I need to stay home and that she'll be fine.

Moms...

Either or, she made it to the hospital okay. She saw me online and we got talking on Google Talk She asked me about college applications (no surprise), grades, school work, then we got talking about Sean. I asked her what's going to happen next for him. He's been through loads already and though I wish for him to fight on and be healthy again, sometimes, I wish he would just stop. Stop and go to Heaven so he doesn't have to feel pain no more. I don't know what that make me, selfish or stupid or even a horrible person, I don't know. Either way I feel bad just thinking about it.

What would we do without Google?

Mom told me what the doctor said about the last scan. I won't go into details for now, since we still need to reach at least one of his parents. Let's just say that they aren't the news we are hoping for. I guess tumors, in ways, are like dragons, nothing can kill 'em except a brave knight. And right now, no knight is powerful and brave enough to fight off this dragon. (Horrible analogy I know but really I believe Sean's a brave and strong knight, the dragon is just putting up a fight also) Sean's doctors have contacted St. Jude and they have agree that if it's what Sean's parents want. They can start treatment for Sean over in Memphis.

There's a plus side to St. Jude's, they have a great program and they focus sully on childhood cancer. There's a downside to that, it's nowhere near where my aunt/uncle is stationed. In fact, it's not even in the same state.

So Mom did some research and looked for places around where my aunt/uncle are stationed and Duke looks extremely promising. So there's a plus there for Duke, even if their focus isn't on childhood cancers, it's a good hospital.

Well, the ultimate decision is on Sean's parents. Since they're both deployed, we'll just have to see what they think once we can reach 'em. (I've been hearing about deployment extensions...I really hope Sean doesn't have to battle this thing alone for much longer. No matter how much time me or Mom spend with him, we know he wants his parents. After all, it is his Mom and Dad)

Knight v Dragon - Sean v Tumor?

I got to leave for my match in three hours and still having slept. Been thinking about my little buddy, hope he's doing alright. Today's the Air Force and Navy game, I just might rush up to the hospital after my match so I can watch the game with him at the hospital. We'll see.

Recap&Life

Wow so it's been 5 days since I wrote something and well, it's Saturday so you know what this means! FOOTBALLLLLLLLLLL :D

Quick recap on what happened during the last few days:

School have been going alright, just getting used to the senior year :) Loads of stuff going on with homework, college applications and so on so always busy there. My classes (German IV Honors, Study Hall, Calc AP, Finance, AP Literature, American Government ,and Psychology) are overall pretty good. Typical AP classes along with other college prep courses. Only thing I don't like is Finance. If you follow me on Twitter, you'd know that I have been tweeting about what's going on in that class. And truly, I'm not impressed.

Just recently we had a quiz on check writing. You heard me right, check writing. Is it just me or are these old skills that people should have attained long time ago? Or am I the only one that learned about banking, banking statements, online banking, balancing a checkbook, check writing, and more way before I got to high school?! (And yes, if you're wondering, I Aced it)

Tennis is going well and many thanks to the people who have been asking about the matches and so forth. I won some I lost some. Guess I can't complain when I'm just a noob at this game. You should hear my coach though, you can hear him yell "PUSH FASTER MATT" from yards away! :P

Outside of school:

Mom and I are doing fine with Dad still deployed. With the news of SFC Thornsbury, phone calls still keep us wondering while cars that drive by the house still keep us on the edge of our seats. But this is nothing new I guess, it's a deployment and Mom and I are doing what we can to get through it. No matter where Dad is, just hope he's doing well and staying safe.

Mom's doing well, she's now 33 weeks pregnant (and huge belly!) and with the recent baby shower, she's more excited than ever to have this "thing out of me!" Lately it seems like all she's been talking about is baby names. Guess she and Dad ever came up with a name before Dad deployed and me, well I got stuck listening to her asking rhetorical questions about which names are better and which sounds "cute". The nursery is turning out well. With people coming over today to finish the painting, Mom's extremely excited. (I am too in a way...since I get to watch football and they do the work. According to them I'll just "get in the way" so hey that's just fine with me :D )

Mom's Current "Bible"

Sean is also doing well. Though he is still under treatment and last scan of his brain doesn't look so good, he's still fighting strong. He loved the toys I brought him and said he can't wait to watch all the football games. "YAY NAVY" he said but hey we all know he meant to say "Army" :P

As for people who've been asking how I'm doing, as in me, myself, well...doing well I guess. Listening to music daily and doing what I do best. The date of my injury is coming close and though I try not to think about it, it's still constantly on my mind. (Of which I'm sure it's something I can't help with, it is my love and a love that shattered my heart) There has been some random thoughts in my head lately, not sure what's going on but hopefully for the good. Some things are still happening but I rather not say it here.

On a side note: On Friday I had the sudden urge to make a website. And I am currently going through loads and loads of CSS codes and ideas for the site. I'm not even sure if I'm going to officially launch it or not, guess I just feel like messing with codes. I'll let everyone know if I do decide to go through with this or it'll just be some eye candy on my computer.

Sneak Peak of the site :D

Thanks again for everyone's DMs/IMs/emails about how Sean, Mom, and myself are doing. Truly appreciate the thoughts and kind words. Loads of things happening within the next couple months, excited and nervous but hey it's life! (Still hoping that Dad will be home when Mom gives birth. For the obvious reason of course plus I'd like to keep my hand. Would hate to have Mom "kill" it by squeezing it too hard :P)

Now onto this week's football!
Note: Winning teams are in bold

Michigan vs East. Michigan, 45-17
Army vs Ball St, 24-17
Cal at Minnesota, 35-21
Ohio St at Toledo, 38-0

Alabama vs North Texas, 53-7

Florida vs Tennessee, 23-13
Maryland vs Middle Tennessee, 32-31
Oklahoma vs Tulsa, 45-0
USC at Washington, 16-13 HOLY COW!!!
Oregon vs Utah, 31-24

Navy at Pittsburgh, 27-14
Virginia Military Institute at James Madison, 44-16

Texas A&M vs Utah State, 38-30
LSU vs Louisiana-Lafayette, 31-3

Air Force at New Mexico, 37-13

Texas Tech at Texas, 34-24

Little Monster

So after visiting Sean, I decided to take the 2 hour drive back home. (Just to get some homework started, you wouldn't believe the amount of homework I got assigned over this 3 day weekend) Since Mom and I drove only one car to the concert, earlier this morning I went back to the hospital to pick up Mom. (Yes she's having her baby shower tomorrow while me I'm still not getting this whole thing but I guess it's ok, I'm learning. Plus I'd be in my room all day anyways :P )

I got to the hospital, hung out with Sean for a bit (boy can he play Wii or what) and on the way home Mom told me the news. While she talked I started to wonder about this little monster inside Sean's head. Tumors, if you don't know, are like the annoying thing that just tends to not go away. As Dane Cook said it, it's like the annoying person at work that always tends to follow you even if you get a new job. Anyways, a month after Sean's surgery and with the treatments, guess who's back?

Ya the annoying little monster.

Not only it's annoying, it scares all of us. So according to the report, I quote: "This mass now measures approximately 1.5 cm transversely x 2.3 cm....extends medially...appears to be growing along the subarachnoid space in the left temporal region."

Tumor, the Little Monster

I never thought I'd hate the word "growing" so much. I just hope that with this treatment, Sean will be doing better every day. (Still admiring his laughs and smiles even when all this is going on. Good job buddy, way to go.) And with this stuff, life still goes on.

Just truly hope this little monster goes away soon.

Other news, I had a good time watching more than 12 hours of football yesterday. (As you can probably tell by the screen shot below) As much it sounds like I got no life, this is my life. I guess well the life I dream of. It's like what I wrote yesterday, football and I got a love and hate relationship going. Not sure if it's a healthy relationship but ya it's a love and hate thing.

Ya I know I'm nuts

Scores (winning team is in bold):

Grambling State vs South Carolina State, 34-31
Mississippi at Memphis, 45-14
Colorado State at Colorado, 23-17

And for those who are asking for concert pictures, Mom forgot the camera but knows someone who did took loads of pictures. So I'll share that with you guys as soon as she get them.

Long Month Ahead

Early morning on September 2nd, around 0115, I realized this is going to be a long month.

Yes it's true I am going to KYGO's 3rd Annual Summer Chill Out Concert with Darius Rucker, Pat Green, Jack Ingram, Eli Young Band, Kate & Kacey (Check out the plan route here) this Friday. I may not sound excited in this blog but really, I am extremely excited about the concert. Mom and I are both huge Pat Green fans and Darius Rucker ain't bad either. This will definitely be good for both Mom and I to get away from everything. Dad sure is going to hear all about it when he gets home

Pat Green

It's also true that I got invited to a tailgate party at the Army vs Air Force football game in November- Thanks Nate and Jimmy for hooking us up with the tailgating stuff- and I even brought two pretty good seats to the game. (Planned route here) Again, I may not sound excited but I am. Always love to watch a football game live and of course, watch Army and Air Force going head to head. Just hope Dad will be home by then so we can make this guys day out before the baby arrives.

View from our seats

And out of love for hockey (while thinking about the possibility of going to some Colorado Avalanche's game, even with the 2 hours drive up to the rink, what can I say, I love them. Still not sure which games I want to go to though, so we'll see) I brought a season ticket to the Cadet Ice 09-10 season. As much as I'm "hate" the Air Force (AF families, you know I love you guys, haha :P ) and wish to attend all Black Knights games, that's not possible right now, so I guess I'll settle for the next best thing- check out these plushies I brought for Sean, hopefully he'll like them. And these for the football game and the hockey games.

Air Force Cadet Ice Arena

Guess even when there are exciting things going on, at the early hours of studying and doing homework, I tend to zone off into a world of inanimateness and reality.

As I was sitting in my room studying at the early hours of 0115, for some strange reason, I picked up my old football helmet and put it on. And for hours, I just sat there and stared right at my wall.

I don't remember what I was doing, I don't remember what I was thinking, but I just sat there. Sat there and smell the sweat the helmet collected through weeks and months of practices and scrimmages. Call me weird but that is another thing I love about football, that smell of sweat and dirt collected over weeks and months. That smell you can't wash off even if you try to. I guess I was just trying to taking in the football smell as much as I can...

Before I knew it, it was 5 hours later and ready for school. As much as I didn't want to, I took my helmet off and head off to school. Sure felt like the entire world is against me this morning. At school, I saw people carrying their football gear like I once did and as I sat in class, can't help myself but feel jealous, anger, and regret.

I spend lunch and my free period doing what I wasn't supposed to do. I went against the rules and sat out by the football field. Just sat there and tried to remember something I once live for and still love. Trying to remember the crowd, the lights, the people, and the old pigskin.

I type this tonight sitting in the dark, wearing my helmet, with Dosh sitting by my side, thinking and wondering about what Coach said to me years before. Thinking about my football buddies, thinking and wondering about this amazing quote from Friday Night Lights

"We're all vulnerable and we will all at some point in our lives, fall. We will all fall. We must carry this in our hearts that what we have is special. That it can be taken from us and when it is taken from us, we will be tested. We will be tested to our souls."

I fell and I am being tested, constantly.
It's going to be a long month.

Sorry, Coach. Sorry.

First "Official" Week of School

Today in school, they had all the seniors meet up for a presentation. The presentation was what you'd expect, telling all of us the year ahead, what to look for, and of course "be smart and make good decisions" They are really cracking down on the seniors who choose to challenge the rules and "have fun". So hopefully this year I won't make silly decisions and compromise my diploma :P

Thank you to all those who continues to ask about Sean and how he's doing. He is doing well and while the treatment is still going on, he's still got his smiles, laughs and random quotes from "Cars" and other Disney movie. Scans were done after the surgery and looks like he's in the clear! Just hope with this treatment, he will be in remission soon.

Quote from doctor's notes:

"OPINION: STABLE POSTOPERATIVE CHANGES WITHOUT EVIDENCE OF TUMOR RECURRENCE."

Awesome!

On the business of school, everything is going well. I'm still trying to get used to a new school setting and hoping that my schedule is finally fixed. Never had this much trouble before but hey, guess there's a first for everything! As the first "official" week of school, I guess everything is going well. (Or say...as well as it's expected?) Just the same with a new school I guess, people staring at me while going to class (their first time seeing a wheelchair or something? Was it my hair? Hmm...), people staring at me while in class and so on. Nothing I'm not used to for years now, just happens I guess.

What you looking at?!?

I've also come to believe that I may be the only Army brat in the entire school. In AP Literature class, we talked about how the books relates to our personal life. As I was relating it to my life, I can tell that my classmates are thinking "holy cow...what a life..." or something like that. Even at my first tennis match, as parents were pouring in to see their kids play, bits of me turned into that little boy wishing for my Dad to show up and watch me play. It was my first match, my first take at tennis. Then I realized, I've been through this. This wouldn't be the first match of any sport that he missed. So, oh well. (I kind of laughed to myself when I also realize that Dad was watching me play football the day I got hurt. Karma? Haha.)

Now tennis, I must say when I wheeled on that court, people on the other team looked at me like "what's that spectator doing on the court?" and when I got into my tennis chair, they all looked at me like I was nuts while probably thinking how weird the chair looks. Even as I was warming up, eyes were practically glued to me. I bet none of them realize that we cripples can play sports. And I bet none of them realize they just might get to play a cripple and get beat by one too.

Coach pulled me aside and asked if I was ok. "Ya I'm good" was my answer and I wasn't lying either. I guess in a way, I'm used to the people and what I called "curiosity of the eyes". You should see the guy's face when I rolled up to the court. There was a lot of confusing eyes going on and with questions and what not (good thing Coach and I read up on our USTA wheelchair tennis rules) but I'm glad coach handled it so well and the other coach was so chill about it. Guess people just need to get used to the idea that standing tennis and wheelchair tennis belong in the same Federation and rules are all the same. (Look at the USTA/ITF wheelchair rules reference for more details)

Now the game itself went pretty well. I lost the first set to my opponent. Guest I just needed a "warm up game" if you will because over all, I won the match. (I'll get the scoring one of these days. Right now I just play and listen to my fellow teammates/coach, ha!) First game, I won, so hey I guess I'm not THAT bad. (Or maybe the dude was REALLY bad. lol. Note: my goal for today's match wasn't to win, but to hit my opponent with the ball. I know it was one in a long shot, but it would have been funny. Too bad it never happened, haha :P) We'll see if I settle on playing singles or doubles for the rest of the year. There sure are loads of room for improvements though! (You should hear my coach yelling at me telling me to push my chair faster, it was hilarious.)

At home, things are basically the same with Dad gone. Mom's still planning the nursery while I help out around as much as I can. (Trying not to burn down the kitchen!) Mom managed to asked some co-workers to come over to the house this weekend so we can get started on the painting process. So hopefully by next week the paint job would be done! (Next we'll start buying more stuff/putting things on the wish list to make it look like an actual nursery! And yes, Mom's still serious about the wheelchair accessible crib.)

Mom's Dream Nursery

Well I better get started on all this homework. Thanks again everyone for checking in on Sean and the good luck wishes on my tennis match :D

On a side note: I got yet another postcard today. From my "best friend", the Army! Boy they really wants me to join, haha! Guess I'll be calling up a recruiter soon! Haha :P

Another note: I found out today that my school's football team is looking for more players. Now I'm wondering...WHERE DO I SIGN UP COACH? Ha

Feel Like Writing...

After waking up at 0500 with 5-6 hours of sleep…I realized this is the longest I’ve slept in a long time. (I know what you’re thinking "What? 5-6 hours, only?!?" but really it’s good hours for me considering the number of hours I've slept total just this week.) I'm not exactly sure why I slept that long (maybe it was cuz of practice or maybe it was from recent lack of sleep.) but I felt like I slept for days when I woke up. I even went out and ran a couple miles, it was a great morning indeed.

Tennis practice was canceled due to bad weather and now I feel like writing so be warned, this may be a long post.

First order of business: Can't tell you guys how much both my family and I appreciate everyone who have been asking about Sean, checking up on him, and even send him get well cards to cheer him up (Thanks Brooke! :D) As you guys may or may not know, Sean’s surgery was on the 5th, after leaving ICU and back to his regular rooms on the 9th, he once again start on his 6 weeks chemotherapy treatments on the 10th (and yes, radiation will come later). With the start of tennis practice yesterday and school starting in less than two days, I feel as if I'm letting Sean down. The "I'll be back, be good" I said to him a couple weeks ago is still on my mind. This is a time when I wish I live closer to the hospital just so I can visit him. Since the hospital is two hours drive away (one-way) from post, visiting him on weekdays just seem impossible. Hopefully I can work out some schedule for weekend visits and truly hope he doesn't "hate" me for not showing up if I can't. So once again thank you guys for the prayers, the good thoughts, and good mojo for Sean, my family and I truly appreciate it!

With the PCS, summer homework, and Sean…I never really had the time to think how many days of summer I got left, true I keep a countdown clock (yes I know I'm a nerd) I never really paid attention. Two nights ago, for some reason, I decided to expand my college search. I was looking at both different majors for the colleges already on my list and even other colleges I can add to the list. That's when I realized…school is starting soon and that means, I'm a senior. Strangely just four years ago I was wondering when I’m going to graduate and get out of this "hell hole" and now with only a year left, I am wishing for time to slow down.

Unlike my civilian friends, I didn't attend one single high school and though making friends over and over again can be quite difficult, I found "fun" in this "challenge" and while looking at colleges, I'm thinking about my friends I made back in Freshman, Sophomore, and even Junior year. I'm wondering if they're doing the same and if they all miss the same thing I am missing; if they all wish for the same thing, for time to slow down so we all can cherish this one last time. Because really, before we know it, they'll be calling our names on graduation day and I bet we all would wish for time to turn back.

Strange how my brain works…

Back to the college list, I've extended my college list by one, adding University of Kentucky to the original list (University of Memphis, Ohio State, University of Florida, University of Colorado at Colorado Springs, and University of Colorado at Denver) and yes, Memphis, Ohio State, and Florida are still my top three. I've also extended the possible majors for the "just in case" of life. On top of Criminal Justice (which is what I want to major in) I’ve added these to the list: Systems Analysis Engineering (only available at Memphis), Language and Linguistics, Electrical Engineering, Disability Studies and Rehabilitation Services (only available at Memphis), Economics, and History. Guess you can never prep too hard for the "maybes" in life. Hopefully I'll actually stick with Criminal Justice till my senior year of college, but hey who knows right?

School starts in less than two days and yes I finished my summer work and reading extra books but really can't help but scream "SCHOOL’S STARTING" inside my head, call me a nerd but I truly, truly enjoy school. Maybe it's because of the people I get to meet, the classes I'm about to take, or just sort of a "distraction" from all the things going on in life. But really, I enjoy school, a lot. People have always thought I'm weird when I tell them I like school, but if you roll a mile in my wheels (made me laugh that I typed that without thinking) you'd know school can be a good "distraction" when your parent(s) is deployed. Both distraction and stress I guess…guess you can’t "win" at this game.

But at the same time, starting school brings back painful memories that I live with on a daily basis. The start of school reminds me of how excited I was starting football how I would find all the tapes possible and watch them for hours just so I can learn something from the players. Starting school means fall is arriving and that means football season is starting. And that brings me back to the day I got hurt. Don’t think I don't love football, I do, but that doesn't mean I don't wonder what life would be like if I never rushed the yards that evening. September 25th will be the third anniversary of my injury. They say the first three years is the hardest…and boy I truly hope they're right. I’m proud of my wheels, I'm glad I got a second chance yet…the day, the incident still brings me nightmares. Nightmares like you wouldn't believe.

Anyways, I’m done writing for now, lost my train of thought thinking about THE date.
Shall write more later on.

Goodbye ICU!

This will be a quickie since I'm supposed to be working on my summer homework. Last couple days I've been hanging out with Sean for couple hours at once while my parents take their breaks. He's doing quite well and no sign of PFS! Seems like he's slowly going back to his normal laughing and joking self but still plenty of naps in between the hours. Guess there is one more good thing about this surgery, he is actually sleeping! (Which made my Mom VERY happy, because she's been able to get some sleep also last couple nights. And happy Mom = happy everyone :D)

Tomorrow we will be spending the morning getting Sean out of ICU and back into regular rooms then after lunch it's off to driving back to post so my parents can get settled before work on Monday. (Of course we'll most likely be unpacking more of our stuff before I drive back to the hospital and stay with Sean.)

Still got school things to take care of so there will be plenty of driving the next couple days. Thank goodness for AAFES gas stations huh?