Friday Before Father's Day: Missing My Parents

Today, on the way to class, I saw a Dad and his daughter walking down the street. When I turned around again, the daughter and father were happily skipping down the street. You read me right, they were skipping down the street. I personally believe that it takes more than courage for a 40+ year old grown man to be skipping down the street in his suit, wearing a smile and sharing a laugh with his daughter like nothing else matters in the world.

That is one of those moments in life where you can't help but smile. It's more than just a Kodak moment, it was a "wow" moment. And sitting in my car just a few feet away, I smiled and thought about Dad. I'm not sure why I thought of Dad. Maybe because Father's Day is just around the corner and Dad's somewhere in the world protection one of the things that matters the most to him: Freedom. Maybe in the mist of all the stress and things going on in our lives, I'd like to have my Dad home for awhile, a long while. Maybe, I just envy that girl that I saw on the street today, hanging out with her Dad. Maybe, I'm missing Dad more than usual this Father's Day, because this is the first Father's Day without Mom and with Sarah. Maybe I am sick of not having Dad home on Father's Day, a lot of maybes but I just am not sure what is the true reason.

But I thought about Dad more than I ever did ever before.

Every military brat in the world knows that feeling when a parent isn't home for some kind of a celebration, whether it's a birthday, holiday, graduation, or just a simple need-a-parent moment. Somehow, we get used to it and when other people ask us how we do it, we answer with "just do" but there always is something in the back of our minds wishing and hoping that our parent would be home for any occasion, even if it's not a holiday.

When I was younger, my Dad was my idol. I wanted to be just like him and everything he does, I wanted to do also. If Dad's getting ready for work, I'd pretend I'm getting ready for work. If Dad is shaving in the bathroom, I'd pretend I'm shaving also. If Dad's drinking coffee, I'd ask Mom for a cup of coffee. I wanted to have the same food on my plate as Dad does. Everything Dad does I wanted to do because truly I wanted to be just like him.

I can remember the first day Dad sat me down trying to explain to me what a deployment is. As you can probably guess it, I was lost as ever, asking things like, "Will you be home for dinner?" and "You'll be at my T-Ball game, right?" And I think after a few weeks of Dad not at the dinner table, I slowly realized what was happening. Very slowly though, I can still hear myself asking Mom if Dad didn't love us no more and that why he left us all by ourselves. (I'm pretty sure I made Mom cried that day) And I can still remember when Dad popped up on the computer screen telling me to be a good boy and that he still loves Mom and me and that he'll be home as soon as "the bad guys went away" and like that, slowly I was okay with Dad being gone. Because I can be the man of the house and plus, Dad is making sure the "bad guys goes away."

Years ago when Dad decided to take on his current job, he took me out on a fishing trip and told me his reason to do what he's about to do. He told me that if he got this job, he will be gone more often but gone for shorter amounts of time. He told me that he can be gone without letting us know and most of the time, he can't tell us where he's going or when he's coming back. "It'll be like a big game of secret, son." he told me, "and I hope you get better with secrets, because you never have growing up." and I smiled, it was true, I don't do well with secrets growing up but now, bits older, I know that with the Army, "secrets" or OPSEC is something that is extremely important. I told Dad I support him and I hope he gets this job. "I hope so, son, I sure hope so."

When Dad did get the job, we went out for a huge dinner and celebrated like there's no tomorrow. We laughed and smiled and though in the back of our minds we know how often Dad would be gone and on such short notice, we cherish every single moment with Dad. We made the time count.

Quite frankly, I don't remember the last time Dad was home for Father's Day. It seems like for years we either celebrate Father's Day early or late. I truly don't remember the last time Dad was home on Father's Day. And I think some time during the years growing up, I'm okay with it. I'm fine with Dad missing out on the birthdays, the celebrations, the holidays, and more. Or I think I'm fine with it, most of the time.

When I got to class, someone I didn't know told me, "Happy Father's Day, Matt" and I sat in my chair wondering why she said that to me. In her own way she was acknowledging the things I do for Sarah is not just as a brother but as a father. But unintentionally, she made me wish she never have said that. Because truly, I do not want Sarah growing up with me acting as her brother, her Mom, and her Dad. Don't get me wrong, I love being Sarah's brother and I will do anything for her. And I know what I must do for Sarah now that Mom is in Heaven. But I truly wish that I won't be Sarah's brother and parents at the same time. Because I know how much Sarah will hurt because of that in the future. Some things are inevitable and I hope this isn't one of 'em.

Guess I'm just missing my parents this Friday before Father's Day.

Love you, Dad, please be safe wherever you are and come home soon.

Love you, Mama, and miss you so much. Sarah's growing up so fast. You'd be so proud of her.

New Blog

Wow this has been a huge project...one I must say kind of went out of my own expectations of the release dates and so on.

A lot of things have happened in my life of which probably cause the late release of this new blog. But of course, trial and error and I finally settled with this theme not to mention the new banner. Through this, I've actually learned a lot about myself and also my skills regarding the use of technology and more.

New Banner!

As you can probably tell, there are a lot of new things going on with this blog. On the top right, just below the new banner, you can now see my tweets in a much cooler view rather than the old boring texts. There's now a search bar of which you can search through my blog of any related subjects.

There are now an easier way of displaying the amount of pages that this blog have to offer. It might not seem like much right now but trust me, over the years the pages will expand to a much larger scale.

One of the most satisfying new subject about this blog is the music. I've added some music that basically relates to who I am. If you're not hearing music, scroll down the page a bit and it should start playing on its own. If it doesn't play for you, please contact me and I will fix the problem right away.

Hope you guys like the new blog!

P.S. There are still some stuff I'm trying to figure out. Like having smileys on Blogger instead of the boring :) Also, I am patching up my new Reviews blog as we speak. Links are already provided but don't think it's the final draft!

Because tomorrow

We may not be born within the same family. We may not be born within the same year, or even the same decade. But we are all family and even with the distance between all of us, we all feel the same at times.

And with every military family, we all know that feeling. The feeling of missing someone, missing the little things they say, the things they do and more. The feeling like filling up a glass of water. Eventually, the water will over float and eventually what you manage to hold onto daily turns into tears, wishes, and screams.

I think this is one of those days. Every family out there is feeling the deployment blues. Every family is feeling the downs of deployment. Every little things you do seems impossible and waking up feels like torture.

When my Mom woke up late this morning, I knew it was one of those days for her. At the same time, I had a feeling everyone I know is going through the same thing. The day when Mom doesn't feel like anything. When she knows there are things to take care of at the office but will drive there just to get away, just to cry and hope tomorrow will be better.

Strangely when your civilian friends are wishing the best, they tend to make a fool out of themselves. The supposedly "care" turns into "pity", the "best wishes" turns into "stupidity" It is as if they just not care at all and it'll be better for all of us.

Mom left this morning with a sad look in her face and I know when she gets home, she'll head right into her room. As much as I wish I can make her and all my other friends feel better, I can't. Because everyone knows the best way to cure this is to bring their love ones home.

But that's not possible right now.

So we venture on, we keep on like we do every day. We do our best to give hugs and wishes to each other. We support each other when we all have our bad days. Because tomorrow just might be a better day. If not tomorrow maybe later, maybe next week. Whatever and whenever it's going to happen, things will be better.

Dad and other people deployed, know we're thinking of you and we miss you more than you might know. But not to worry about us, we're fine at home, watch your backs and keep your head down. We can't wait till you guys come home.

First "Official" Week of School

Today in school, they had all the seniors meet up for a presentation. The presentation was what you'd expect, telling all of us the year ahead, what to look for, and of course "be smart and make good decisions" They are really cracking down on the seniors who choose to challenge the rules and "have fun". So hopefully this year I won't make silly decisions and compromise my diploma :P

Thank you to all those who continues to ask about Sean and how he's doing. He is doing well and while the treatment is still going on, he's still got his smiles, laughs and random quotes from "Cars" and other Disney movie. Scans were done after the surgery and looks like he's in the clear! Just hope with this treatment, he will be in remission soon.

Quote from doctor's notes:

"OPINION: STABLE POSTOPERATIVE CHANGES WITHOUT EVIDENCE OF TUMOR RECURRENCE."

Awesome!

On the business of school, everything is going well. I'm still trying to get used to a new school setting and hoping that my schedule is finally fixed. Never had this much trouble before but hey, guess there's a first for everything! As the first "official" week of school, I guess everything is going well. (Or say...as well as it's expected?) Just the same with a new school I guess, people staring at me while going to class (their first time seeing a wheelchair or something? Was it my hair? Hmm...), people staring at me while in class and so on. Nothing I'm not used to for years now, just happens I guess.

What you looking at?!?

I've also come to believe that I may be the only Army brat in the entire school. In AP Literature class, we talked about how the books relates to our personal life. As I was relating it to my life, I can tell that my classmates are thinking "holy cow...what a life..." or something like that. Even at my first tennis match, as parents were pouring in to see their kids play, bits of me turned into that little boy wishing for my Dad to show up and watch me play. It was my first match, my first take at tennis. Then I realized, I've been through this. This wouldn't be the first match of any sport that he missed. So, oh well. (I kind of laughed to myself when I also realize that Dad was watching me play football the day I got hurt. Karma? Haha.)

Now tennis, I must say when I wheeled on that court, people on the other team looked at me like "what's that spectator doing on the court?" and when I got into my tennis chair, they all looked at me like I was nuts while probably thinking how weird the chair looks. Even as I was warming up, eyes were practically glued to me. I bet none of them realize that we cripples can play sports. And I bet none of them realize they just might get to play a cripple and get beat by one too.

Coach pulled me aside and asked if I was ok. "Ya I'm good" was my answer and I wasn't lying either. I guess in a way, I'm used to the people and what I called "curiosity of the eyes". You should see the guy's face when I rolled up to the court. There was a lot of confusing eyes going on and with questions and what not (good thing Coach and I read up on our USTA wheelchair tennis rules) but I'm glad coach handled it so well and the other coach was so chill about it. Guess people just need to get used to the idea that standing tennis and wheelchair tennis belong in the same Federation and rules are all the same. (Look at the USTA/ITF wheelchair rules reference for more details)

Now the game itself went pretty well. I lost the first set to my opponent. Guest I just needed a "warm up game" if you will because over all, I won the match. (I'll get the scoring one of these days. Right now I just play and listen to my fellow teammates/coach, ha!) First game, I won, so hey I guess I'm not THAT bad. (Or maybe the dude was REALLY bad. lol. Note: my goal for today's match wasn't to win, but to hit my opponent with the ball. I know it was one in a long shot, but it would have been funny. Too bad it never happened, haha :P) We'll see if I settle on playing singles or doubles for the rest of the year. There sure are loads of room for improvements though! (You should hear my coach yelling at me telling me to push my chair faster, it was hilarious.)

At home, things are basically the same with Dad gone. Mom's still planning the nursery while I help out around as much as I can. (Trying not to burn down the kitchen!) Mom managed to asked some co-workers to come over to the house this weekend so we can get started on the painting process. So hopefully by next week the paint job would be done! (Next we'll start buying more stuff/putting things on the wish list to make it look like an actual nursery! And yes, Mom's still serious about the wheelchair accessible crib.)

Mom's Dream Nursery

Well I better get started on all this homework. Thanks again everyone for checking in on Sean and the good luck wishes on my tennis match :D

On a side note: I got yet another postcard today. From my "best friend", the Army! Boy they really wants me to join, haha! Guess I'll be calling up a recruiter soon! Haha :P

Another note: I found out today that my school's football team is looking for more players. Now I'm wondering...WHERE DO I SIGN UP COACH? Ha

Brat Blues

I think I'm taking Dad going away a bit harder than others this time...or maybe like other times, the first few days/weeks are always the hardest.

As I get on Skype to talk to my friends, I hear them talk about their parents, how much they hate their Dad for not letting them go to the party, how much they hate their Dad for bitching at them, how much they hate it when...and it went on and on...

I didn't say a word. I sat there and listened to every. single. one of their "complaints" and said nothing. As I'm planning my weekend (Mom and I are going to go to Home Depot to buy some paint and painting essentials so we can maybe start painting the nursery and knowing my Mom, we'll probably end up at some baby store collecting items for her wish-list) and listened to my friends "complain" about their Dad doing so and so, I wonder how the hell I am keeping the urge to NOT burst right in their face.

And somehow, I remember what my Dad said to me before "Many times, son, people say things without thinking. A lot of us are that way so, just got to pardon their speech, and move on with our lives. Sometimes, best words are not spoken."

Right Dad, can't forget that. But I couldn't help myself but comment on what they're saying, "It's the little things in life you wish you can do/say at an impossible time. Makes me wonder why not do/say it while you still can." And really, I think they just brushed it off or didn't get it.

If Dad was here, I would do twice as much.
If Dad was here, I would help out as many times as I can.
If Dad was here...

But can't stay in the "ifs" better start now. Though I do wish Dad was here, it'd make a lot of things easier, specially make Mom feel loads better, happier too.

I think this is part of the brat blues...
And boy does the blues hurt.

Wherever, Whenever, Whatever....

I remember when I got to elementary school, while some people wanted to be fire fighters, some people want to be police officers, I wanted to be just like my Dad. I didn't even know what he does just that he's in the Army and a soldier. And for that simple reason, I wanted to be just like him and because it seems so "cool".

Same thing when I got to junior high school, ya I love football and wish to play professionally but still, I wanted to do what my Dad does. I wanted to follow in his footsteps and I wanted to just be like him. It wouldn't be the first time I talked about enlisting and like a wise Dad and parent, he would tell me to get through high school, get a good education then "we'll talk".

Up to the day I got hurt, I wanted to be just like my dad. I wanted to go to BCT, to walk the path he walked before, to carry the rifle he did before (though I'm sure it's nearly impossible but hey one can wish) and even get yelled at by the same he did before. (another near impossible task but hey it'd be cool) And when I got hurt...I think those dreams haven't gone away, they just sit behind my brain like it's an impossible wish. And even then, I want to do what my Dad does. I want to be just like him.

Lately I've seen staying up rather late just so I could finish my summer homework for school. With less than a week of school left, it's really rush time. I'm used to my Dad getting up early for PT and sometimes, he even asks me if I want to tag along. But when I heard his footsteps way early this morning, I knew something was up but just chose not to say anything.

We had coffee together and sat around the dinner table to talk about things that's been going on. He talked about the real world, about people's view on this so called "disability" of mine and about doing what you love and enjoy doing. When he told me he's got a job to do, I know not to question and yet as I sat there and listened to him, I can't help but wonder where he's going this time and just when he'll be back.

Then he told me this time is different, I not only have to look after myself, my Mom, and even my sister inside of Mom right now. He told me this may be one of the biggest task I will ever have to handle and with school year about to start, it just adds to the stress. And like the Dad I know he added "knowing you, I know you can do it. You ARE my son."

Couldn't help but smile, geeze...Dads.

After Dad left, I decided to make breakfast for Mom just so we can have breakfast together. There was a deadly silent in the house. Maybe too silent because as I was about to knock on my parents' door, I could hear my Mom crying, sobbing, and asking why. At that moment, I wish I was a genie so I can grant my Mom many wishes and I bet one would be for Dad to be home.

Like I said, I've always wanted to be like Dad and do what he does. And if given the chance, I'd do it in a heartbeat. There is one thing I highly dislike about Dad's job, though. Simple words like "I got to go" or "I got a mission" and all we can do is hope that he'll be home soon. It truly is a double edged sword. In ways it's a good thing that we don't know where Dad will be going but at the same time, it worries Mom and me not knowing where he's going.

Wherever he's going, I just hope he stays safe.
Whenever he's coming back, I just hope it's before Mom's due date.
Whatever he may be doing, I hope he knows that Mom, the baby, and I are all thinking of him and missing him every minute he's gone.

I got it Dad, don't worry, I got it.
I love you Dad, come home soon.

I never liked summer

Funny when you're young, all you can think about is summer. Because no school means more fun. No school means no homework and the ability to go out and run with your friends and jump in the pool and just have fun. I was just like that before and I don't know what happened but that innocence have been long gone.

I have both brat friends and civilian friends and summer seem like the time I don't know which group of people I belong in. I'm stuck in the middle and at times feel as if both groups are pulling me close to them. Both groups want me to feel welcomed and in a way, loved. But what end up happening is me getting lost, confused, and hurt even more.

There's just two days of school left after the Memorial Day break. Two days and I feel as if school is already left and gone. The friends I've made here are no longer close friends but "just friends" somewhere out there. The people I know on post is no longer the people I say hi to when I walk pass them. They're just "people" now. And like me, I flow in the middle wondering what's going on.

So I realized, I never liked summer. Well I did...but no longer do I cherish the feel of "summer vacation" because when you're a brat, there really isn't "vacation" or "breaks" you're constantly a brat and constantly breathing both the fun and dreadful life of being a brat.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the school year is over. Everyone can use a break from school work every once awhile but really, I'd rather have all those back. I rather be extremely busy with school than nothing to do at all. Like right now, laying out on the couch, watching ESPN and wondering about life.

Which eventually...I thought about Dad. For my civilians friends who are reading this tonight, you don't want to be my friend. In fact, I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to hear about why your parents yelled at you. I don't want to hear about the fight you and your Dad got into. Right now, I'm not your friend. Because in the mist of "what my family is going to do this summer" I can't help but think about Dad and what we're going to do.

Nothing, probably. Just like last summer and the one before that and the one before that.

Funny when someone is here, you hate them and when they are not, you want them to be here. I can still remember the days I "hated" my Dad for smoking me after I did something wrong. I "hated" my dad not allowing me to go to the pool with the guys and so much more. Right now, at this moment, I wish he was smoking me for leaving the lights on, for leaving shit around the house, anything....anything at all.

Right now I'm not proud to be an Army brat.
Right now I'm not fund of the Army.
Right now, I just want my Dad home.

And somewhere in me, there's a little Matt saying.
"When you coming home Daddy."

"When you coming home Daddy."

Another side to the brat life

This is the second day I got woke up by Mom after having gone to bed. She had some strange cravings that must be conquered at this early in the morning and well now I can't sleep.

So I got thinking and the more things I thought about the more shit I'm wondering about the other side to this brat life.

As I wrote before, when I was a kid, everything seems so perfect, even with the moving around and Dad gone all the time. In fact, I think that's how all kids are, young, innocent, and don't got a single worry on their mind. But when we reach a certain age we start to wonder and questions start to form. The series of questions are probably and most likely started off with, "Where is Daddy/Mommy going?"

Then we get older, we continue to ask our questions but at the same time, we're making statements. "My Dad is fighting the bad guys, is your Mommy or Daddy doing the same thing too?" or something of the sort. And before we know it, we're in junior high and high school and finally realize some extreme difficult questions we might have to face. Some questions like, "If Dad does not make it back home, what will happen to Mom and me? What do I have to do to keep Mom strong?" and so forth.

And just as the questions start to form, so does our responsibilities. From the time we are born, we are surrounded by the idea of "Army" or any other branches. As a kid we do what we do best, being a kid and do what we want to do when we want to. (as long as it's following the rules of course) And as we get older, we will one day realize the greater responsibilities when one or sometimes both our parents are deployed.

Stuff like laundry, school, chores and other simple tasks will mostly feel like you're building a pyramid on your own. With one or both of your parents gone makes it that much difficult. And while you're seeing your friends loosing their parents, in the back of your mind you are hoping you will never get that phone call or never get that knock on the door. Trust me, that makes chores that much harder.

Lately I haven't had the mind to write anything and trust me that can't be a good thing with AP testing just a week away. I'm taking US History AP test which means the DBQs -Document Based Questions- if you've taken the test you'll know what I mean. When Mom told me that we have to move again during the summer, it felt like my world is coming apart. Part from school, I was hanging the moving processes, studying for the AP test, and on top of it, worry about my social life and what will happen after I move. While most juniors are worrying about college, I am thinking about the rest of my junior year, my friends here and now, college, moving, going through the list of things to do, my senior year and so much more. It was only a matter of time when all this will stack up and bite me where the sun don't shine.

And it did.

Life got caught up with me and without knowing it I didn't have time to think about what I need to do. I went on autopilot and almost end up killing myself. (Long story short, I forgot to use the bathroom at the time I was supposed to and end up blocking the catheter and it turned out to be a mess and that lead me to getting to the ER.)

School, living this life, college, life at home all added up to almost forgetting myself and killing myself. I wonder now if this is healthy. I can't help it, I put people before me. I put my family before me and as soon as I knew about the move, I had to make sure everything will go as smoothly as it can go. And yet, I realize I must take care of myself because without me, my mom, my Dad, this entire system would fail. And I am doing my best now to keep myself healthy and in the same time, get things done.

Going back to what I was saying earlier, I got woke up again for the two night in a row. Why? A couple days ago, I was told by my Mom that she is pregnant and though she would have told me earlier, she wanted to talk to my Dad first. After so long, she finally had the chance to tell me that soon, I will no longer be an only child, I would have to be a big brother for the newborn.

Just like that, I went from a high school junior to being a Dad. I took the liberty of what my Dad would normally be doing and put it on my shoulders. From looking at baby items to full filling Mom's late night cravings. She's eating for two now and me, I am working for four: Dad, Mom, my younger sibling, and of course, me.

Meanwhile some kids are complaining about the worries of applying to colleges. What is wrong with that picture...

I have never thought the idea of being a big brother would be so difficult. As I lay in bed, I couldn't help but wonder what the later years would be like. What would it be like when my younger brother or sister finally ask the ultimate question. "What happened to Matt, why can't he walk? Why can't his fingers move like mine?" What would I answer...how would I explain everything.

Just the idea of holding a baby in my arms scares me. What if I drop the baby, what happens when I can't even hold on tight enough and loose grip? Really...I am not ready to be a big brother, not at all.

And at this point, with everything going on, I am not sure if I can do anything right at all.

Welcome to the true brat life Matt...no more innocent and carefree days.
Welcome to the Army.

Wow it's been awhile...

Jeeze can't believe how busy I have been since I last wrote. It's 2230, had a busy Sunday and I'm still up studying and doing papers. So, taking a break, thought I write some stuff.

Like I said, it's been busy, after I got out of the hospital I had roughly a week to make up all my test before spring break so the proper grades will be entered to the progress report. I managed to study none stop and well, glad it's over. Had fun at the military ball that weekend and felt like I was somewhat back in the "loop" in terms of school and so on. Of course, I missed a bunch of school events which I wasn't happy about but hey it's life.

Spring break went fairly well, one of Dad's friend flew in for a visit but didn't know Dad was gone so he's pretty much hanging out with us till the end of his leave. Everything went alright till we found out someone on post was killed overseas and the nightmare happened again when someone else in Knox was killed.

Spc. Adam M. Kuligowski

When shit like that happens...it felt like everything around you stopped and time just doesn't seem like they're there anymore. None of us felt like hanging out, none of us felt like doing our homework, study, or even talk. Because when the news goes around, you can't help but think about your Dad or your Mom or maybe your brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts that are still serving out there. You can't help but think of the unthinkable. It's human instinct and you hate to think something bad but you can't help it. And that...most of the time, kills us slowly inside. But somehow, someway, we find our way to kick ourselves up and do what needs to be done. Weird thing is when all that slows down and you finally get the time to think, you can't help but wonder what you did wrong, what you could have done differently when the person was still around and more. Eventually you break down, you cry, you blame yourself, you blame others and zone yourself out. They called it "survivors guilt"...I didn't think it existed but it does.

Staff Sgt. Gary “Lee” Woods Jr.

When I was 7th grade, for some reason I developed a habit of looking at the casualty list from both Iraq and Afghanistan. Some part of me, when I read through the names, is glad that Dad's name or someone else I know isn't on those lists. I feel selfish for thinking that now. I feel ignorant and immature. It doesn't matter if we know them or not, it doesn't matter what branch they were from, what background they came from or what their favorite music was. They were family, the military family, and loosing any one of them hurt. Doesn't matter how many parents, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles have fallen, every single one we loose still hurts. Because loosing family hurts.

But we carry on their name, we will forever be proud of who they are and not who they were. And eventually, we'll put a smile on our faces. Not because we finally got over a lost of a family member but because we know no matter how much it hurts, how many tears dropped, we will always and I say always be proud of every single one of them.

My deepest condolences go out to the families who lost their loved ones. (If you're reading this, I love you Aunt Beth, don't worry, we still love and miss Uncle Jerry, even though he is an %*&^, just kidding) You're not alone and please remember we are always a family. Now I didn't know Spc Kuligowski nor SSG Woods before I heard the news but somehow...I know they are my brothers and they always will be.

Rest In Peace, Spc Kuligowski
Rest In Peace, SSG Woods

God Speed

Military Brat

I wrote this on my 18th birthday

You know...I never knew I was a military brat. Not until the day I finally knew why we were moving all the time, why Mom would go crazy just to make sure our move can go pretty well. My initial thought was, "This is cool...we get to go on a long trip and see different things." And as I grew older, I grew tired of moving. I wasn't fund of making new friends, new relationships with people on post, new teachers and more. I still remember making an offer to my parents about staying by myself when I was just 8 years old. Obviously, it didn't work.

I can still remember the first time I understood what Dad was telling me when he was about to leave for a deployment. "You got to be good now," he told me "I'm not home so you got to make sure you take care of Mom. You're the man of the house now. Think you can do the job?" And how silly of me, stood there at attention with a serious look on my face. "Yes, sir." And he nodded, gave me and Mom a hug and went off. He came back earlier than he said he would that deployment, I didn’t know why just knew we were finally allowed to go see him at the hospital. I never asked what happened or why Dad’s in the hospital I just did what I was told. When a stranger came into Dad's room and presented him with a medal. I didn't question what it was. I simply did what I was told, to behave when Dad's got company over. I didn't know then but I sure do now.

By now, I pretty much understand what Dad is doing and what being a brat is about. Mom found ways to sit me down and discuss what needs to be done around the house and allow me to finish some of Dad’s work when he’s deployed.

By the time I got to high school, things changed. With football, homework, and chores I thought I couldn't take it all being the man of the house while Dad's gone. But after hearing Mom crying in the bathroom made me realize even when we're not willing or not ready to do something, it must be done. I did what I can after that, helping with the many chores around the house. I wanted to do it all. But plans change, I got hurt. When Dad got home, I was out of the hospital for a couple weeks. I was just getting used to the real world again when he told me, "Son...being the man of the house doesn't at all times require physical strength and ability. Most of the time, it's up here, in your head that counts the most. You're still the man of the house and I trust that you won't let me down. I'm proud of you son."

So being in a family of three was something I got used to long ago. Missing Dad on holidays, birthdays, family movie nights was just another norm of being a brat. But this was the first time I had so much thought running through my head as we drove home after dropping Dad off. Mom said I'm finally an adult and starting to understand more of what it really means to be part of the “military family”.

With Dad deployed more often and most of the time, not sure where. I only come to understand that I'm carrying the military brat title. Being myself everyday and doing what I can for my parents. (Especially my Mom when Dad’s deployed) Guess that’s why I’ve decided to write. To leave my thoughts on paper so I can vent, think, and hopefully be better at being myself, being a son, and more.